What do I want?

[VS Fan]

Hi all...

I started seeing a therapist (the regular kind, not for TG, since i'm "just" a CD) just to talk about life, stress, the fact that I have an in-law living with us, general run of the mill marital problems...

Naturally I brought up the DADT situation relative to my CD activities. I went on about how I'm in my 40s and I'm not overly happy and I just figured things should be different in my life.

The question that hit me was "What do you want your life to be like?" That stopped me cold, because I couldn't think of a good answer. So I've been sitting here thinking about all of this, and started to wonder... There are so many stories here about Wives who dump their CD husband when the truth is revealed, ones where the husband retreats to a varying degree of DADT, and ones where acceptance even approval is gained. I haven't seen many (I think *maybe* I've seen one?) stories here where the DADT situation became untenable to the husband, and the husband ended things.

I'm not sure I'm at THAT point... but what if "what I want" simply isn't acceptable to my wife? I know many of us on here would say "I love my wife more than my CDing" and would just keep it bottled up. But if we're being honest here, does that extend to "I'll suppress my happiness forever, for my wife?" ANYTHING could fall into this category... lack of sex, etc., not just CDing.

I still need to figure out what it is that would MAKE me happy (or happy enough) ... so for the moment I was just wondering out loud if it's ok to want to be happy... since at the moment, I'm very much not.

VS Fan

PS... I know my wife WANTS me to be happy ... but this obviously only goes so far. That doesn't make me question her love for me, because we all have limits. Just very confused LOL....

[ShelbyDawn]

Just my opinion; having spent 6 years with my therapist working through the same question.
First, it’s good you’re working with a therapist.
Second, take your CD’ing out if the equation and ask the same question then put CD’ing back and see if the answer changes.
Work through this with your therapist and
Finally, talk to your wife about what you discover, possibly with your therapist.
You absolutely beserve to be happy. If you’re not, it will impact every relationship in your life.
Don’t expect quick easy answers and don’t give up. There are a lot of good people here that can help you as well.

Good luck.

[VS Fan]

Shelby - thank you ... and good point on CD in and CD out of the thought process. Especially for me since I'm fairly certain that my NEED to CD is driven by other needs being unfulfilled. Not saying I wouldn't enjoy it or do it otherwise, but it definitely replaces some things that are missing in my life. And yes, I do feel like talking to someone professionally is the right thing to do... hopefully "they've seen this all before..." :)

[Gillian Gigs]

I find that happiness is a state of mind. If you have a difficult time loving yourself, then you will have a more difficult being happy, this is the old self acceptance issue. If you are not happy in guy clothes as a CD'er, then I doubt you will be happy in your girl clothes either! It's all about what is going on inside, going to a therapist can help you separate out the different issues. Keep seeing your therapist.

[VS Fan]

Thanks Gillian... something very good to think about. My therapists question "what do you want your life to be like?" I suppose is really the same thing as "what would make you happy?" I think I have "accepted" myself, but do not truly love myself... I think that part of that is that I can only BE myself WITH myself. Anyway, all good things to ponder, and yes, I definitely plan to keep seeing the therapist to work all this out... just ONE session opened up a floodgate of emotions and things to think about. Cheers :)

[Pat]

Remember you're talking to your therapist -- any answer you give is going to stay in that room unless you bring it out. So if your definition of happiness includes your wife accepting your crossdressing go ahead and say that. Also, your answer is non-binding -- it doesn't have to be The Correct answer. It's a place to start talking.

I've noticed good therapists ask very simple questions that really get into your head. The point is for you to think about them. As you churn through things trying to answer this simple question, you learn a lot about yourself. So, in that sense, congratulations! ;)

[VS Fan]

Thanks Pat! The one question you girls here have me pondering now is.... if "x" were to happen or change, would I still want or need to CD? Could I be happy without it? Or has it replaced what I initially needed for so long that I'm happier CDing than worrying about trying to get my wife to do x, y or z. Or is it not even a matter of replacement, but just something I want or need anyway... I can't tell you all how much I appreciate these replies ... thanks :)

[sometimes_miss]

It's certainly okay to want to be happy, but it usually comes with some sort of compromise. We rarely get everything we want. So we have to make do with what we can get. Relationships are give and take. Mostly, we don't notice, because we are able to agree on what's okay to do, and what's not. Crossdressing, however, usually isn't one of those things. Most women see it as a deal breaker. They don't want feminine husbands; because for them, femininity is a sexual turn off. It's not just something they're not into; it's something that shuts down the sexual desire completely, leaving them cold, or some even feel disgusted by it. It's that bad.

The best way I can explain it, is, some people like to play in poop. It turns them on. Now, unless you're one of those people, could you see yourself playing in a pile of poop and enjoying it? Probably not, even if your GF wanted you to 'try it' because SHE liked it. It's simply something that most of us would find so very distasteful, even disgusting, that it would be a complete turn off for us. That's how bad crossdressing seems to most women. They simply don't want anything to do with it.

So, if that describes how your SO feels about crossdressing, you have two choices. Split up, or keep your crossdressing deep, deep in the closet, never to be spoken about, ever.

[VS Fan]

Lexi - yes, LOL, I think you're possibly on the money with her attitude towards it - but it's something I'll need to explore more with her... she's fine talking about it, but never in a million years wants to see it. And I'm not sure that I couldn't be ok with the DADT if other things were to resolve themselves... seems like I've just got a lot here to sort out. Thanks :)

[Sometimes Steffi]

There have been a few points where I was having difficulty compromising with my wife on how much I could CD. That often came with a large dose of complaints from her about the other parts of my life.

There were periods of time where my feeling was, "Make my day." By that I mean:

1. If you ask me to choose between you and CDing, you might not get the answer you're expecting
2. Sometimes, I thought of asking for a trial separation to sharpen the focus on what we would give up as a compromise to stay together

[Teresa]

VS Fan,
The first point I notice is you have hit your forties, I've found many stories where many of these questions arise and where Cders come out to their wives/partners .

I saw my general counsellor first to check I wouldn't consider thoughts about ending my life again ( which I didn't ) over my wife's rejection of me after coming out to her. We soldiered on but it appears it goes in twenty year cycles so now in my sixties after seeing a gender counsellor my wife and I have agreed to amicably part. The gap between my CDing needs and her acceptance level is too great . So you can put me down as being in an untenable situation , We are both unhappy and it's not going to improve , we are only intending to separate and both intend to support the family.

What I really want is the chance to dress as I choose, hopefully set an art group in my home and live my life more as Teresa, the clock is ticking for me if it doesn't happen now it never will .

I guess the bottom line is be honest with yourself , become comfortable with it and other people will start to believe in you , they may not like it but at least they will know where they stand . You have to get over the selfish label and accept you are entitled to happiness as well. The man in most marriages is usually the one making most of the compromises , at some point we have to say it's my time, ironically my wife is making plans for hobbies and outings that don't involve me so maybe the push from my CDing wasn't all bad .

[VS Fan]

Steffi -

Funny you should mention #1... I have asked the family repeatedly to let me get the mail allegedly so we don't "lose bills" but more so in my case because of certain catalogs, etc and other small parcels that at times come USPS. Today I come home and someone else got the mail... so I was like... "fine, f-it, ask me about x,y,z mail, we'll see if you really want to have that discussion." Turns out it there was nothing there today... but whatever. :)

As for the trial separation, i'm SERIOUSLY considering getting my own apartment here locally and spending 2-3 nights a week there. Now that my in-law is living here, it'd be the only place I can get real peace anyway.

Teresa -

I read your story, and I think to myself... "I came out to my wife 8 years ago.... will I go on like this for another 8 years and only THEN realize that I can't take it anymore, etc?" Being honest with myself is the key... *sigh*....


Thanks again for the support!

[Micki_Finn]

Just a couple of random thoughts:

Yes it’s important that you get what you want in a relationship. But keep in mind that it’s very likely that your SO wanted a full-time male and is making compromises for your sake.

I may be reading into things here, but I think it’s telling how you address “happiness” as it relates to your relationship. I’ve always been of the opinion that one’s spouse should be the ultimate source of happiness in one’s life. But it sounds to me like you’re searching for happiness around your relationship and not from it.

[sarah_hillcrest]

I find that happiness is a state of mind. If you have a difficult time loving yourself, then you will have a more difficult being happy, this is the old self acceptance issue. If you are not happy in guy clothes as a CD'er, then I doubt you will be happy in your girl clothes either! It's all about what is going on inside, going to a therapist can help you separate out the different issues. Keep seeing your therapist.

I totally agree. Here's a thought consider when you have a bad cold. I fixate on how happy I would be to return to the status quo of not being sick. Once I'm better the proverbial thorn in my side becomes something else. Being happy is most importantly about acceptance, but we should not accept everything. If something is causing you a great of distress then the problem must be addressed. There's that prayer about having the grace to change things and accept the things we can't change or something, you know what I mean.

- - - Updated - - -


Just a couple of random thoughts:

Yes it’s important that you get what you want in a relationship. But keep in mind that it’s very likely that your SO wanted a full-time male and is making compromises for your sake.

I may be reading into things here, but I think it’s telling how you address “happiness” as it relates to your relationship. I’ve always been of the opinion that one’s spouse should be the ultimate source of happiness in one’s life. But it sounds to me like you’re searching for happiness around your relationship and not from it.

Very wise words.

[VS Fan]

Just a couple of random thoughts:

Yes it’s important that you get what you want in a relationship. But keep in mind that it’s very likely that your SO wanted a full-time male and is making compromises for your sake.

Oh I can only imagine... LOL... I'm quite sure she didn't want or expect this.




I may be reading into things here, but I think it’s telling how you address “happiness” as it relates to your relationship. I’ve always been of the opinion that one’s spouse should be the ultimate source of happiness in one’s life. But it sounds to me like you’re searching for happiness around your relationship and not from it.

Yeah I hear what you're saying... and that's my struggle right now...


I totally agree. Here's a thought consider when you have a bad cold. I fixate on how happy I would be to return to the status quo of not being sick. Once I'm better the proverbial thorn in my side becomes something else. Being happy is most importantly about acceptance, but we should not accept everything. If something is causing you a great of distress then the problem must be addressed. There's that prayer about having the grace to change things and accept the things we can't change or something, you know what I mean.

Yeah I know the one you mean ....
This is the hardest self analysis I've ever had to do....

[Confucius]

If I was asked, "What do you want your life to be like?" I would respond with something like this:
1. I want a lifetime relationship where I love someone and know that I am loved in return.
2. I want to be a person that is respected, and a positive influence upon my friends and family.
3. I want to be well educated, and help others to understand our needs and behaviors.
4. I want to be financially secure and able to retire while being charitable as well.
5. I want to be true to myself, understanding myself and being understood by those who love me.

So do I need to crossdress to be happy? Well crossdressing does make me happy, but it isn't the only thing that makes me happy. I have other interests and passions. However, I do not want to live without some crossdressing. I don't mind placing limitations on my crossdressing and living within the boundaries set by my wife. At least that is acceptable for me.

[Rayleen]

Partnership in marriage has always been for us anyway, about making deals and compromising .
I always said when she wants something that I do not agree, there are things I want and lets make a deal'

Communication is the key to solve things in our household.

I wanted one time to bye a boat and go boating which she did not want, and she wanted to travel and get a Camper.
so , we agree on one condition that next time she would give me a chance to go first.

It took me a long time to talk about the CD , trying to convince her that I was not gay, or going out to clubs.
The thrust we have between us is great , and our honesty in our marriage has made it easier to deal with my habit.

[kimdl93]

Let me chime in on trial separations. They are seldom a solution to marital issues and the vast majority result in divorce.

From what youve shared so far, you are just beginning to peel the skin on the onion of your discontent. (If there isn’t a book with that title already, I get dibs.)

Mid life often brings a period of questioning and its easy to invent or inflate problems, assign blame and begin the steady process of destroying the good in pursuit of the ideal.

While youre assessing your situation, remember that there is also good and the good is all too often and too easily taken for granted.