Effects on the children of trans parents

[ashleymasters]

Recently my wife gave me an ultimatum. Essentially if I take steps to transition physically then she will leave me. I think ya separating is on the horizon either way. What does concern me is her idea that me coming out to our young daughters (8 and 5) will some how traumatize and alienate them from me. I’m sure there will be hurdles. Everyone will be challenged to adjust but I jus don’t buy that my kids will be crushed by this. Especially at their young ages I see kids as being very flexible and receptive to new Information. Please if any of you have transitioned with young kids at home please share your approach or how they reacted. Thanks.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

all families are different..

My kids were 11 and 14... both girls...they were both devastated... my exwife was angry and devastated..

it started off very poorly..

however, we all hung in there.. i just kept doing what i did...the night i told them i would transition put a hole in my heart...they were confused and upset...my wife basically said "you better leave" after that...(we were separated already)
worst drive to an empty apartment in history...so sad

but over time i realized that my wife's anger included fear for her children... my kids were afraid too..

my real life transition, my commitment, my good (heh) nature, my research and care in how i communicated with them all went to stop the fear and loathing..
one thing i made sure of was this...if i was going forward (and i was!!), it was 100%...i was going to THRIVE, i was going to be a good dad, keep them safe, be there for them, and succeed at my life...
even my wife softened...she watched as a i transitioned...for 18 months i lost weight, got soft, grew my hair...i looked like a freak...but i was mostly fearless..i just kept going
she ultimately accepted what was happening and forgave me in her heart...

today we are all best friends..
we communicate all the time, we co parent we spend time together
...the kids are 24 and 21 now and doing very well

one thing i do is think of it this way..
my choice was to live my life as i needed to do..
or to lie and not live my life..how do i want my kids to live?? be themselves or not??

btw..

one choice i made was telling my kids...

I AM YOUR DAD..I will ALWAYS be your DAD....i told them they were safe...that i wasnt going anywhere...
they call me Kaitykait...they call me queen...they call me "dad who is a girl", and often they just call me
dad... it worked out for us and i hope it can for you too..
no reason to expect it cant

your kids are younger, you may have a simpler and easier situation if you wife can come to terms with it..

[LeaP]

:yt: And she indeed real ...

As for my kids, one was PO’d, the others fine. The PO’d one has gotten better. I don’t have Kaitlyn’s sunny personality, either.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

We had our kids when I was 14, 21, and 23; by the time the younger two came along i had already transitioned to living full time as female, so with them it was more a matter of explaining the reality of things to them once they were old enough to understand. As you suggested, they took it in stride, though it's hard to know how much of that is because it's all they had ever known. With the oldest, get first few years I was still at the stage where at home I inhabited my female identity but in public dressed up in man's clothes and played the part of a man as best I could-- what we found when we explained to her the ins and outs when I began the full time transition was that she had already identified that when I was "being a guy" that it was forced and unnatural and not really me. While she did have some little concerns over how her friends might react, she mostly wanted me to be happy and at peace, and that was at age 7. Kids are far more perceptive and adaptable than they get credit for, and in general just want everyone to be happy. It's a very rare child who would rather have an unhappy father than a happy second mother.