Teased, Tempted, now sick and Tired

[Samanthalatexcd]

Hello everyone. Brand new member, life long Cd.
Until 3 years ago I was a shame filled, guilt ridden, unsure and closeted Crossdresser. Questions and denial had become like second nature to me along with the confusion and the lies I learned to tell myself.
I come from a devote Roman Catholic Sicilian family. Youngest of 7 kids. I had 3 sisters, 3 brothers! To top it off my Grandfather, father, and 2 uncles served in the United States Marine Corps from World War 2, Korea, and Vietnam. I love my family but the elders of my family grew up in a different time, different rules, but with 100 times the intolerance towards anything or one who was different add that to close-minded bigotry and alcoholism that developed in every military male figure in my life and you have a powder keg of violance, abuse, confusion and anger. I developed an escape from the mental, emotional and physical/sexual strain and abuse.
I can tell you I was 8 when I first would take my mother's pair of kit leather gloves every night I could and sneak back to bed with her gloves on my hands run the supple leather over my body the feelings that exploded where unbelievable. I felt comforted when wearing my mother's gloves because her hands comforted me when scared, fed me, bathed me protected me. That safety and comfort plus the feel, smell and taste of her gloves was intoxicating.
Soon after my nightly glove habit began I wasent just wearing them for comfort, I would wake up touching myself, stroking my arms, or legs even exploring my male form.
Well this lead to stealing my sister's leather skirt and laying in bed draping her skirt over my body, smelling it, teaseing myself with it then wearing it and the gloves at night, when I could sneak a few mins alone, outside playing away from everyone. That is when the sexuality of what I was doing awoke my body and thoughts well before my body was ready.


Enough for now.
I will continue writing if I am asked to do so, I'm trying not to make an ass of myself.

[Tracii G]

I hope you weren't going all the way with Mom's gloves.

[kimdl93]

In a difficult family, children can feel emotionally threatened. One way to deal with that may be to find some sort of comfort in an object or a behavior. I hope that you’ve shared this backstory with a therapist. It may help you come to grips with your life.

[BrendaPDX]

Very few truly judgmental people here, pretty safe place to listen, share, and even venting a little. Wishing you the best, Brenda

[Tracii G]

BSB this site is for the CD and their families and friends so you need to keep the fetishy overtly sexual stuff to yourself.
States that under the site logo at the top of the page.
This site is different from the fetish/ porn CDing sites so best to read the rules first.

[Kas]

Broad,

I myself have posted sexual topics on here and have had no problem from the mods besides them cleaning up some of the language and I have gotten a lot of great responses from the community. I'm sure if you scroll through the last few pages you'll see one of them. I think the title was: Sex With Your SO (As The Woman), or something like that.

I do agree there should be more but I think many people are ashamed to post such personal things on a public forum.

If you do want to post something sexual, it can't be too graphic and most importantly, make sure it actually has a point. Like you can't just come on here and write an erotic novel just for the fun of it. Or tell us about what you tried in the shower last night when you were bored... Just remember as tracii said, there are family members, friends, children, elderly and all other types which can view these posts.

Also it may be a good idea to have a disclaimer at the start saying that the post contains sexual content. Not everyone wants to hear it!

[Ressie]

Interesting story Samantha. Crossdressing would be rough under those conditions. A lot of us started CDing at a very young age with panties or other garment.

My older brother was in the military and to this day I can't be my CD myself with him. My father was a WW2 vet and very religious, yet he had a lot of love in his heart. He might have accepted CDing but I never felt the need to share it with him. Mom knew I was getting into her clothes and didn't make too big of a deal of it.

So I can relate to your story even though the guilt I had wasn't as intense as yours. What level of crossdressing are you at now days?

[Teresa]

Samantha,
I realise this is only part of your story, some of the problem at the moment is we don't know how old you are and if you have a partner / wife .

Have you escaped most of these influences or are the still stuck in a very frustrating situation ?

Certain materials /fabrics can be very sexual depending the connection you make with them and the people associated with them . Do the gloves belong to a very caring mother ?

OK many of us have special feeling for some materials, as you can see in my avatar I'm wearing a leather skirt, I had a thing about leather until I wore this and a black one to my social meetings , now I'm over the feelings and just enjoy wearing them as much as any of my other clothes .

[docrobbysherry]

Samantha, this site is not for children. And, u should know that us dressers that involve sex in our dressing r often referred to as "fetish dressers" here. Altho technically, there's nothing I wear that especially excites me. It's the completed transformation in my mirror that does it!:daydreaming:

Tracii may have assumed your discussion about your mom's gloves was about your fetish for them. Altho I didn't get that from your post. Because what turned me on at age 8, 66 years ago, has nothing at all to do with things that do now!:D

[IleneD]

Ahem..... ,
I think I broke out in a bit of a vapor after reading that piece, Samantha.
Excuse me while get a drink of water.

[rachael.davis]

For what it's worth CatholicTrans is a very nice site for going over / getting over the guilt triggers from a strict childhood

catholictrans.wordpress.com

Dump the guilt, you'll be a happier person

[Bella.CD]

BSB and Kas,

Please feel free to PM me with anything.

If I can't handle it or if it is just too much for me to openly discuss, then I will just politely and without any reprocussions just tell you that it is too much for me.

Bella

[LilSissyStevie]

i'm new to the forum, but there seems to be a conspicuous lack of talk about sexuality.

There seems to be a certain type of CD that ascribes to a stereotype of women having little or no sexual motivations. They then associate their own lack of virility to "femaleness." Others are afraid their wives reading this forum will discover the true nature of their CDing. There's nothing wrong with that until they try to suppress others from discussing erotic motives. Sexuality can be discussed tastefully and clinically but some would rather it not be discussed at all or they want to throw up a lot of roadblocks so that you have to speak in code and euphemisms. It's difficult to find places on the Internet where these things can be discussed openly and seriously and that aren't just about indulging in the erotic fantasies that CDs might have. Few seem to wonder why they are aroused by these fantasies. I wouldn't CD at all if it wasn't for sexual motivations - too much work. I don't CD much anymore as it is so maybe in time the reasons will become moot.

[DMichele]

Samantha,
Welcome to the board!

I can relate to your feelings of shame and guilt, but I have overcome them. I am a trans feminine work-in-progress, who is striving to be true to myself. For me, the discussions on this board have had a therapeutic affect and have enabled me to realize that I, a near-female transgender, am OK.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and allow yourself to explore your true identity.

[Barbara Black]

Welcome to the forum, and a welcome from your home state. I hope you continue to express yourself here as it's important to you, as well as to us. I look forward to reading more about you and the severe challenges you faced growing up a CDer.

[Pat]

i'm new to the forum, but there seems to be a conspicuous lack of talk about sexuality. maybe i'm not yet able to see those forums as a new member? sure, it's a forum for crossdressing, but i don't think sexuality/sex is really off-topic.

Just for the record, note that this particular forum is open to the world -- you don't even have to log in to read it. That means we have kids and we have an international clientele that gives us a range of cultures that react in different ways to sexuality. So we insist you keep it to generalities if it comes up at all. It's kind of dogma here that sex is different than gender/presentation which is different from sexuality/attraction. The site focus is on support for people's gender/presentation issues.

[Teresa]

Pat ,
That is an aspect of the forum that is easy to overlook , we are visible to so many people around the World . To me that is the wonderful part to be able exchange views on all aspects of CDing with members from most English speaking counties, despite the cultural differences we still share similar problems and find similar answers help most of us .