Going Out and Passing

[Julie Slowinski]

I’m still a newbe about going out en femme, but feel like I’ve learned quite a bit in a fairly short time. So, figured I should pass some of this along while it’s still fresh. This is actually a repost from another site, but I figure it’s a pretty similar audience. As usual any and all comments are welcome.

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I’d like to talk about the subject of passing while out in public. Now I get a lot of comments on my pictures saying that I’m totally passable. First, thank you for such a wonderful compliment – every compliment is nice, but those in particular make my heart soar. However, I assure you that I am nowhere near passable. I know cuz I’ve asked people (When did you first figure it out? Invariably the answer is immediately.)

Now some of you might be disheartened. But, you should not be. Think about what this means. Every person I’ve interacted with (a few dozen in conversations and hundreds just passing on the street) has known I’m actually a dude, but they were for the most part completely accepting. No pointing and laughing. No hey Mr. where’d you get that dress. Just regular people trying to be nice to a person that’s a little different (or even ‘being nice to another regular person’).

Let me actually backup a little and tell you that this mindset is what got me out the door the first time and is the foundation of every time since. If I worried about being passable and if this person or that person was going to figure me out, I would be a total wreck and would not enjoy even a single minute of my adventure. Since I assume they already know, I am free to go about my business of just being me out in the world enjoying life. Here’s the funny part – by assuming I’m not passable, I actually become more passable. The reason is that it allows me to be comfortable in my own skin and just be a friendly engaging person. People like that and generally react poorly to a person that seems overly nervous (what sort of no good are they up to?) Now I’m not saying I’m never nervous, my first time I was a total wreck. But, knowing that people were seeing a crossdresser and still not reacting with scorn definitely put my mind at ease. Plus, it definitely gets easier with practice.

If you’re planning to go out for the first time here’s some advice:

– Do not lurk in the shadows. I know that late at night, when nobody’s around, seems like the best option, but it’s actually just unsafe for you and if anyone does see you it gives the impression that crossdressers are just creepy dudes hiding in the bushes.

– For you’re first time, go to a trans friendly venue. Maybe a support group meeting, a cd meetup at a bar or just a gay club preferably one that has drag shows. You’ll be in an open public place (much safer and less creepy), and you will be confident that the people around you will be accepting. If you don’t know where to go, ask around on this or other sites.

– Keep those skirts long and those necklines high. Yes, try to be sexy (or not), but keep it respectable. Even in the craziest club, you don’t want to look like a hooker. You’re already exotic, no need to go over the top.

– Start with an evening event. I know I said don’t be lurking, but it cannot be denied that a little darkness will make you feel less exposed. Also, you’ll likely be over dressed for the daytime where sweatshirts and flip flops dominate over skirts and heels.

– Find a more experienced girl to go with you. Definitely a confidence booster to have that support and help. But, just remember that not everyone is G-rated. Some girls like mix it up, if you know what I mean. If you’re not into that and they are that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out. But, in either case, before you meet you should make your intentions clear with a simple private message. You should not think you are being rude by sending that ‘Hey were all G-rated, right?’ message. It has to be done, is extremely common and in the end saves everyone unnecessary embarrassment. I also advise having an in drab meeting (in public of course) before meeting in girly mode. This is not essential, but it will make you more comfortable when you get to the big night.

– If you need to, get a hotel room for changing. This kinda freaked me out at first, but hotel workers like cab / Uber drivers have seen it all and won’t even bat an eye.

– Don’t drink and drive. The last thing you want is to be in lockup in a dress. Ubers are cheap and as I said, they’ve seen it all. Just be prepared for the driver to drive right past you cuz their looking for a dude and not a dude in a dress. Okay maybe the one occasion where I’m passable. Of course, that ends as soon as I get in and start talking in my dude voice.

– Oh yeah, that reminds me. Forgot about that girls voice thing. If you can do it easily, fine. But, for me I figure why waste energy on trying to get my voice right, when they already know I’m a dude. I have much better things to put my mind on – like why does this club have so few mirrors.

– Bathrooms? If you’re in a trans friendly venue then there’s no wrong answer. If you’re in a mainstream place try to find a gender neutral bathroom first and if that fails go with your heart. What you should not do is piss yourself. You have dignity and have the right in relieve yourself. With all the media discussion on this subject it’s actually never been a problem for me. And, it has likely made more people who would normally sit on the sidelines, become advocates and welcome you in any bathroom you choose.

– Finally don’t forget to smile and have fun. You’re hurting no one and it makes you happy. Who could argue with that?

💋💋💋 Julie

[jennifer0918]

Julie very good advice

[DaisyLawrence]

Excellant advice Julie.

If you haven't left your house yet, read this, digest the advice and then get out there and live your life.

Daisy x

[Linda Stockings]

Excellent advice Julie. And I truly believe and agree with you that our moods, demeanor, positive vs negative auras, and whether or not we look or act scared. In the early 90's I went out a lot, was generally clocked very easily, and had some good outings and some bad ones. One of the best was when it was late in the afternoon, had been practicing my makeup application and thought it didn't look tooooo awfully bad. So I quickly put my bra and panties on, a white satiny blouse, pantyhose about my skin tone, and a blue pencil skirt that hit at the bottom of my knees. I slipped on a pair of nice black leather 4 inch pumps that were wonderfully comfortable. I drove to check my mail at the post office, to the library, where I browsed, read a few ladies magazines, tried on some shoes at Payless, and filled my truck with gas. My point here is that I spent 40 minutes on my makeup instead of the usual 4 hours, only about I did NOT try every skirt and blouse combination I had. I kept the time and effort to a minimum. Felt great that I hadn't used too much time, I felt my outfit was good enough but not out of place. And had more of that "I like it, and I hope you're okay with it too, but I really don't care. About 15 to 20 people walked by on the sidewalks and only ONE of those looked at me about 1 second longer than typical, then just went on by. I think it all had to do with my mood and my friendly facial expressions. I think our stories support the same conclusion.

Stay pretty,
Linda


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[LaurenS]

Thanks for spending the time to write this. Wise advice.

[Teresa]

Julie,
Many thanks for posting this I totally agree with all your points.

The paragraph on being passable or not should be a sticky, because they are the facts, we don't pass 100% as a woman because there are so many small details that come together to fall short of that ideal. I go out as me , a female version and one I prefer, I feel totally comfortable with that now. I also agree about the voice none of my social group alter their voice , it's impossible to keep it up and makes it look like an act you're putting on .

The only time I drink is when staying over at the hotel or a friend's house otherwise it isn't worth the risk.

The bathroom issue did catch me out on one occasion as I usually use the disabled one, it was out of order and stood there debating when a GG from my group grabbed my arm and dragged me into the ladies saying," you look as good as many women so why bother worrying, no one will know !"

Smile and have fun is a great motto , just be yourself !

[Rayleen]

Julie, its sound like excellent advice. Being yourself and confident.

Enjoy your outings !

[KimberlyJean]

I can usually tell when I am flying under the radar and when I am not. I have had multiple interactions where they didn't know or were really accepting or really good at not letting on. I have also had interactions where it was apparent from hello that they knew. Sometimes I think it is the outfit, sometimes maybe me, the way I am moving that day. Always being prepared to be read is tough when you just want to blend in.

I went out last Thursday to run some errands. I wore some white shorts with the red top in my avatar. My make up and wig were normal, I felt I was walking and talking fine but it was obvious that I was getting more looks than usual. But no big deal everyone was still being friendly, I had to ask a girl in the store where an item was and she went so far as to walk halfway across the store to find it for me. The women in the checkout lane were stand offish but when I started talking with the checkout lady they all warmed up. So things were going good. I decided I needed a coffee before I went home so I went to the local Barnes and Noble. Walking in an older man held the door for me and my fears from earlier were fading. I made my way to the line where a pretty woman about my age was ahead of me and getting ready to order. She glanced at me once then went back to ordering so I was just waiting and looking at the foods in the case next to the register. So when she was almost done she says in a little bit louder voice " I am feeling nice today so get him whatever he wants too" and pointed at me. I said no thank you but she was insistent. I really couldn`t figure out if she was trying to be mean or was just not sure how to act. The two behind the counter were more than awesome, I was a bit flustered when the girl took my order but she was never anything but super nice and walked me through it. I think if the woman was trying to be mean the staff did the best at shutting her down by not reacting and being super nice. The girl behind the counter went so far as to compliment my top and make small talk.
Overall my confidence took a hit but I realized I probably don't pass as well as I thought I did. I have been going over it in my head since and I have concluded that it won't stop me from going out and being myself. The last time I had something like that happen I rushed home and took everything off. This time I went home, but it was my planned next stop, and left my make up on and didn't change.

[XemmaX]

thanks for writing this! really good advice for all newbies and people looking to get back out there again. it is true we mostly dont pass but it's how you carry it and also despite our worse fears about the public, most people really dont care.

[ellbee]

FWIW, these days I have absolutely no problems passing -- since I'm always in guy-mode. :D


Though passing as hetero may be a different story... :brolleyes:

[DMichele]

Julie,
Excellent post and advice. It is very encouraging advice.

[CarlaWestin]

Thank you, Julie. I've seen countless posts on passing and yours is one of the best. You've touched on so many things that many of us arrived at the long way. You know, like explaining to the police why you're in a deserted part of the city at 2:00am dressed like Carmen Miranda. I've found that toning down the accentuated and embellished feminine attributes (boobies) has helped me quite a lot. But, I live in an area where exaggerated mammalian protuberances are quite common with women. It's kind of an acceptable Vegas look.

There's another side to totally passing. Nobody notices.

:straightface:

[Tracii G]

Great advice and I agree 100%.
Worrying about passing is not needed because most of the people will know you are male and thats OK. Just be you.
I am going to stay quiet on one part of that article to see what happens.

[Ressie]

it cannot be denied that a little darkness will make you feel less exposed
I haven't been out in the general very much but I've found that being in a well lit store makes me more self conscious. And I'm not too crazy about being in sunlight while en femme. This is when being dressed to blend might help, at least for me.

Good post Julie

[Lana Mae]

Good post! It should be helpful to many here! Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

Lots of good advice.

[sarah_hillcrest]

just another thanks for an excellent post!

[docrobbysherry]

Passing is the Golden Fleece for dressers. Among the 100's maybe 1000's of dressers I've met only a hand full can pass consistently. And, that includes some trans that have gone all the way!

In Lincoln's words:
Some of us can pass some of the time.
Some of us can't ever pass.
A small few can pass all the time!

U can tell if u passed. Because people that believe your female without a doubt will treat u differently than as a possible MIAD.
I know. Because it's happened to me a few times around Halloween!:battingeyelashes:

[Teresa]

To add to Sherry's third paragraph, about being treated differently , I feel you know when you've achieved that acceptance level when a GGs has a woman to woman conversation with you .They do sense an openness and how comfortable you feel when dressed , I've been called a convincing woman and that maybe the issue, they are convinced enough to be OK with you , to me that is a wonderful feeling .

[Kandi Robbins]

Very well said. I've been out at least 300 times over the past 3 years and you hit the nail on the head on many of your points. I have three rules of the road. Be smart. Don't go anywhere you would not go if you weren't dressed. Be appropriate. That means dress for your age, body type and venue. Don't wear an evening gown to Walmart. Finally and this is the single most important thing you can do: be confident, SMILE! That smile will draw people in and make them overlook many of the keys that give us all away. There is a reason our TG sisters often have to undergo many different surgeries, because men and women are different. The sooner you accept that reality, the sooner you can enjoy yourself out in the world presenting as a woman. I posted a sign I saw a few months ago and it says it all: a smile is the prettiest thing you can wear!

[Rachael Leigh]

Julie, all great advice and even for one like myself who is in the process of going fulltime to a transistion,
I’m well aware that I don’t pass 100 percent I hope my presentation will improve once I get on hormones but even that is
not a guarantee.
So yes just do as Teresa says be you as a women and it will work out good.
I do find myself more open and friendly when I’m out now so it’s easy to smile and just be me and for me knowing this is
how I will dress everytime I go out helps me relax.
The normals do seem to becoming more accepting for sure
Rachael

[carolyn todd]

Good advice
be confident, go out, be your self, i have found that when i go out in the day time shopping people don't always look at what's around them if they have they have not said any think.
I am not as attractive passable as most of the girls on this forum but i am bl&*($ enjoy my self it would be nice to have some one with me but you can't have every think can you.
if you going to go out ENJOY IT AND HAVE FUN DO IT.

Carolyn

[Dana44]

I would also like to add. That a good attitude helps also.

[suzanne]

Julie, that's an awfully comprehensive list of suggestions. All really great advice. Thanks for taking the time to put it all together.

I'd like to add just one more confidence building point. Go dress shopping. Get accepted and become a regular customer at one or more places. I've found it works in at least two ways. First, sales staffs are very accepting and good at making you feel like you actually belong there. Secondly, working closely with specific sales ladies, you develop a sense of what works on you and why, so you know how to look your best when you go out.

A few years ago, I found a small group of SAs who really get me. I have gotten lots of clothes and advice from them (and others), and now I KNOW my outfits look good. Never mind that I'm 57 years old, over 6ft and 300 lbs and bald. And it's not just my imagination. I get compliments all tne time from random women.

[Nikki A.]

Julie made many great points.
I think the most important point was, when you don't worry about passing it you're less nervous which in many ways makes you more passable.
Another thing, when I first started going out, it would take me 2 hrs + trying to get ready. While I still do dawdle a bit, I've got the whole transformation down to under an hour. My best time was when I overslept, was 35 mins from 100% male to full on Nikki.

[Jean 103]

Good for you. It sounds like you get it. It's not about passing, well at least for me. It's about being myself, and getting positive feed back.

So it's a bit of a learning curve to find what works and what doesn't. Everyone is different, with a different environment. The one thing that is universal is attitude. Being relaxed and pleasant really goes a long way in getting people to immediately accept you.

[BarbraAnne]

Love your advice Julie. I have passed it on to our group.

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

As everyone has stated, great advice. I really agree with the "keep it toned down" mindset, I see WAY to many new girls out in fetish clothes that honestly look stupid anywhere other than a fetish club or S&M Dungeon! Dress age, area, and seasonally appropriate. I get that some of us have a thing for 6" heels but you don't see many GG's wearing them to the mall! Thanks for the post!

[Robyn n TN]

Julie, thanks for the post. You hit it on the head on so many points...one thing I would add is to not spend the whole evening looking around to see who is watching you... now if i could just learn to do that.....lol...thanks....

Robyn

[DIANEF]

Ive been out about 25 times now since I first stepped away from the car, so far without a single incident. I follow some simple rules; go to a place where you will be safe i.e daylight with plenty of people about, dress and make up appropriately (I'm not going to wear my heels and best ball gown going to ASDA), don't walk around looking at the ground or suddenly turn away every time someone comes near you, and be confident about what you are doing. As for passing, few, if any of us truly do, so worrying about that is not worth it.

[nikkim83]

And don't forget about the seasons as goofy as it may sound. Sometimes pants are more appropriate than skirts, and skirts are more appropriate than pants. Think about how many times you actually see a GG at the mall in a pair of heels (you don't and for good reason).

I can tell you one thing for sure it is very nice being greeted as Maam do you need some help, or Hey ladies what are we having for lunch today.

The way you stand, the way you walk the way you carry yourself, it all makes a difference.

[Samantha981]

Julie, thanks for sharing. I agree it sums up a lot and has many truths, especially passing. One thing I'll add is when I'm out my radar is up and I pay much more attention to my surroundings, especially when leaving a shopping mall for instance. In guy mode I don't pay any attention, unless in a sketchy area, but en femme, I pay attention when leaving buildings.

[Barbara Jo]

I will add.....

I have found that weekday mornings to about noon time is the best.
There is usually a much older (safer) crowd then and no one will pay any unwelcomed attention to you... as you walk about, shop, etc.
You can even dress like a business woman (pencil skirt. blouse, etc) and fit right in at the mall and in stores.

Of course, I'm retired so, I have the free time :)

[Kayliedaskope]

Heels will ALWAYS attract attention, especially when combined with skirts or dresses. I've caught myself turning towards the sound of a heel more than a few times, and admiring some pretty nice legs under a short skirt or dress. My gaze usually travels upwards from there to take in the rest of the scenery.

[Anne K]

Excellent point, Kandi! SMILE!!!

[Tracii G]

I went out today to take a few items back to Catherine's and just did light makeup and some eyebrow filling in and mascara.
Put on a wig because my natural hair was a mess today.
To me I looked more guy than girl so I changed into a v necked A line peasant top.
Did all my things I had to do and the SA's in Catherine's said you going to stay around and shop we have some cute new stuff in.
I said maybe next week I have bills to pay first.
The SA said oh I hear you I do too.
Main thing is be you smile and be nice to people.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Julie, Thank you very much for this post, you touched on some of the very things I have been doing wrong, but done so in a constructive way. The comments you have received/prompted have all been very supportive and constructive. Excellent post. Thanks again, Brenda

[Wasp]

I love this. I'm still terrified to go out. My friends want me to, but being in a new city scares me. There are so many things that could go wrong

[Jennifer_Ph]

I go out and pass all the time, but then again, my truck is pretty fast!

[Tracii G]

Wasp if your friends are going with you what is there to be afraid of?
Being in a new city is a golden opportunity IMO.

[Wasp]

Wasp if your friends are going with you what is there to be afraid of?
Being in a new city is a golden opportunity IMO.

Idk before I was in NYC, I was familiar with the scene in Chicago and I knew a lot of people in the lgbt community so that if I did get separated from my friends for whatever reason, I was safe. But now I know like 2 people here and like if they both find a hookup I'm on my own...

[Sabrina.K]

I've always dreamed of going out fully dressed up. But I suffer from what I call "Super-Manly-Face", so I've always avoided trying to "pass". No amount of tips or guides can change my face :(

[ellbee]

I have found that weekday mornings to about noon time is the best.
There is usually a much older (safer) crowd then and no one will pay any unwelcomed attention to you...

Unless it's the day before Thanksgiving! :D

I had to hit a big-box pet store this morning. Arrived shortly after it opened at 9:00. Just wore a hoodie/running tights/running shoes (all women's stuff), in guy-mode. At least a dozen people in there -- mainly GG's in their 20's thru 40's. Got a couple quick looks, that I was aware of... But they tend to do that. :o


But yeah, lots of traffic. Plenty of people have the day off from work, I suppose.
And when I drove past the grocery store? Mobbed! :confused3:


Also want to add: At least in my neck of the woods, on Saturday mornings things start really picking up around 10:00.

[Abbey11]

Great advice, especially the bit of what not to do under the bathroom section, which is something that I feel I might do when I first step outside :)

[CynthiaD]

I prefer going out during the daytime. My first few times going out were all during the day, and I had a great time. When somebody pulled up next to me at a stoplight I kept thinking "gee, I hope they're looking at me!"

I like it when people look at me, especially at my chest. I've wanted to have breasts all my life, and now I do (well silicone ones anyway). I love showing them off. And if I get clocked? So what? They're still my boobs.

I guess I'm a little weird.

[julia marie]

Great post with great advice. Thanks.
One thing about "passable". It's a matter of degree. I've found that heads don't usually turn at 15-20 feet, but when someone is just 5 feet away they know I'm a guy in fem mode. Over the years I've been fine with that scenario because the people who are five feet away are those such as wait staff and sales clerks. They have seen it all, and the cool thing is that some of them actually compliment me on things like my top or bracelet. Good point about staying out of the shadows. When our confidence is low it's kind of an easy default. Don't do stay in the shadows! Not safe. Bathrooms aren't nearly as challenging as they seem. First, most states (sorry people in North Carolina) don't have laws about men in femme using the "ladies" room. (Note, I've been in mens rooms a half dozen times and have had women walk in, either by mistake or because they didn't want to wait in the womens room line). In the multi-use ladies room, the toilets are enclosed in stalls. There is nothing to see. It's not like the mens room where "everything" is hanging out at a urinal. So, get in to the ladies room, lock the stall door, go pee, and get out, after you wash your hands. Despite the movies, there aren't a dozen women hanging around the sinks, chatting and looking at themselves in the mirror. My caveats: Don't go into a womens rest room if there appears to be a father waiting outside for his "little girl" while she's in the bathroom; and don't go in with a bunch of teen-aged girls (they can get catty and single you out).

[sometimes_miss]

Now some of you might be disheartened. But, you should not be. Think about what this means. Every person I’ve interacted with (a few dozen in conversations and hundreds just passing on the street) has known I’m actually a dude, but they were for the most part completely accepting. No pointing and laughing. No hey Mr. where’d you get that dress. Just regular people trying to be nice to a person that’s a little different (or even ‘being nice to another regular person’).

What people do and say to someone's face isn't always how they react once that person is gone. Not being 'out', I get to be the proverbial fly on the wall, and it's usually not pretty when the CD'er, transgender or transsexual is out of sight and earshot. The jokes, the ridicule, the derogitory comments all come out after they're gone.

Courtesy and being polite are often simply a way to avoid conflict. As seen with all the folks mad about bathroom bills, there are a whole lot of folks out there that don't like us.

Go out. Enjoy the freedom of being yourself. But always, always be safe, and have an escape route planned from any possible trouble. Because bystanders just might not be on your side if an altercation occurs, despite them smiling at you.

[mattea]

What a great conversation and thread! All of this is very helpful and encouraging. We were in Philly not too long ago, and I had a bit of a panic attack and took a hit to my confidence, most of the issue was in my head and have been slowly building myself back up. My wife has always been encouraging and supportive and that day we just were not clicking then we got stuck in the rain! After 23 years together you have days like that you just don't jive together. On the way back to the car from the rain, I had my head down and was just trying to get out of there. Later she pointed out that if there was ever a time I was "not passing" it was then, because of the way I was acting and just trying to get away, I was drawing more attention to myself and she was right! It is certainly all about attitude. We were at a Wal-mart the other day out of town picking up snacks before heading back to our room and I just felt great, as we got out of the car she said "you got this!" That little bit of encouragement was all I needed and I felt great. As we were walking around, there was this mother with the cutest little boy (mine are all grown now) and we cooed at him and he gave me a big smile! The mother was a proud mother, and had every right to be he was as cute as he could be. A little further down the lane, I noticed another young lady sort of checking me out, when our eyes met, she smiled a very warm smile and just went on. My wife noticed and said she had no idea I was CD that she was checking out my boots, but I realized then I don't care anymore what people think! That was a good "girls trip"! It is absolutely all about attitude, and having fun! When you are happy and having fun most people will see that and just go on or maybe have fun with you! Looking forward to our next adventure, with the holidays we will be doing more traveling seeing family but will get a few "girls trips" in! Again thank you to everyone here who has posted you bring a lot of insight to this conversation and its all helpful! Happy Thanksgiving!

[Kas]

I think Sometimes Miss has a good point. I can admit I used to be one of those people who would always have to make a comment whenever I saw a CD/TG/TS. Never to their face though... It wasn't necessarily negative comments, but I would always point them out. I feel silly for doin it now.

[Jessica Heart]

i love the advice you give. thank you for that. im about 45 minutes away from a cd/tg friendly bar and i keep trying to build myself up to get over there one night. :)

[Becky Blue]

Julie excellent post with excellent advice... and lots of good comments from others too!!
All I can add after going out around 30 times over the years is when you speak try speak softly, easy to say much harder to do!!

For me its not about whether I pass or not, but hopefully and often I do blend in, by this I mean that most people don't look closely enough to process and just see a woman out doing her thing.