Poll: Support by your SO

[Kimberley]

My wife is totally against my gender issues and refuses to have anything to do with them. It is a cause for friction in our marriage but one that I am dealing with.

[Jodie_Lynn]

My wife ia aware, and tolerates my dressing on occasion, but doesn't do anything to encourage or support it

[Rachael Warren]

Mine is fully supportive, she even buys my clothes for me these days. :happy:

[Jodie_Lynn]

Ya know, thinking about this, perhaps a better question would be:

How Important is your wife's/SO's acceptance and participation to you as a crossdresser/transgender?

[Jenny Beth]

My wife is fully supportive of this side of me and has been for over twenty years. I can't imagine what it would be like without it.

[KarenNY]

My wife is not tolerant of my dressing and would really prefer that it went away. However, she allows me to keep my Karen clothes -- in boxes in the attic -- and doesn't care that I dress up when no one is home. Therefore, I don't get to dress very often, so I have had a rather extended vacation from crossdressing over the last few years.

My wife found out about my dressing before we got married. I had grown up an only child in a very accepting environment with a divorced mother who bought me girls clothing, shoes, makeup, etc., and expected me to know how to wear and use them. Besides being her son most of the time, I was able to be her "daughter" sometimes, provided I learned to act like a "proper young lady" and treat my femme side seriously (not like a caricature of femininity).

Contrast that to my life now: After my "great purge" in college, I picked up CDing again in my early 20s (I was able to dress quite often as I lived alone) and a few years later I met my wife. She found out about my dressing months before we got married -- she found my Karen wardrobe in my closet while I was at work (she was at my apartment "cleaning"). She was actually relieved because she had thought they were "another woman's" clothes. She tried being tolerant for a couple of years and we would go shopping together but she never saw me en femme other than a few times. She knew about my mother but we never really discussed her involvement in my crossdressing to any depth. However, once we had children, she became non-tolerant of my dressing and couldn't figure out why I couldn't break my "addiction" to women's clothes. Since then, we have had an uneasy truce about the situation where we don't discuss it and I only dress when no one is around.

[Victoria-Marie]

Can't vote, as there is no choice for

Sorry, I have no SO

[Kimmie W]

My wife has come to accept that it is who I am and does all she can to make me know that she is ok with it.

That wasn't always the case, 15 years or so ago I told her and her initial reaction was shock, Just about a year ago she found my "girlie" bag and confronted me. We had a heart to heart talk and I told her how ashamed I was and how I never meant to hurt her. After a few days of awkward silence we really began to talk about what it meant.

It took some time, but we both came to understand that it changed nothing important about "us." We were still in love and we would make our way through this together.

I don't know where this will end up, but I am filled with hope and look forward to the journey.

[TGMarla]

My wife would fall into a fourth category: Totally against, yet tolerant if kept completely under wraps.

[Kathycd]

Hi there:

My wife, so far as I know, does not know about Kathy and if she did I would probably be divorced after 20 years of marriage.

So Kathy remains very descrete in her dressing at home. I have my own business and travel quite a bit and that is when I can dress freely when the opportunity presents itself.

In May, there is a group around Oklahoma City that will be getting together and I have made plans to stay the weekend at an inn that caters to CD/TS/TG and so forth. This Inn has 2 clubs, dining facilities and even live floor shows. So Kath is going to go out and spend a full weekend fully dressed 24/2. lol I can't wait.

hugs
Kathycd in Oklahoma

[Billijo49504]

My wife just asked me if I want to go to Avenue, to look for shoes. When she offered her card, I think that's support.;) Oh and she takes my pictures. Thanks dear.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kimberly

My Kat backs me all the way, we go out dressed together all the time. I'm very lucky to have her!

Karen

[janelle]

She hates it & hates me. She will not give me reasons or anything. I thought she was up tight due to the last 4 months of info i flooded her with. Its almost to her or dressing & the dressing has the edge as my health is better for it.

[Janelle Young]

Ya know, thinking about this, perhaps a better question would be:

How Important is your wife's/SO's acceptance and participation to you as a crossdresser/transgender?
It is very important to me. I would like my next SO to be supportive of my dressing. I would like to find one that was but you never know when it comes to love. If I loved her and she hated the dressing could I still be with her? Hard to say but I am leaning to no as I probably would not be with her long enough to love her if she was not ok with my dressing.

[Julie Avery]

My s.o. is supportive, helps me shop if I ask, will help with photos if I ask. I don't think there's anything in my crossdressing that's "exciting" to her, it's more a matter of keeping our relationship one in which we're emotionally open to each other, that's what's exciting to both of us.

I suspect that many my age had, like me, a first, failed marriage (mine was of 20 years duration) in which the other partner was really not at fault for the breakdown of the relationship, and a second better suited relationship. I still suffer a lot of guilt over the part my secretiveness played in the breakdown of the first marriage. That one can't be patched up, she didn't know who she was marrying.

[toniloraine]

my wife supports me 100%, she takes me shopping and is going to teach about makeup. she also takes the pictures and picked out my nightgown. went through some of clothes and gave me some. now all i need is breastforms(dont know what size), a wig and waiting on some shoes. i thank her everyday, i also think this brought us closer.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Kimberly,

I joined in with the voting on your poll and voted #1. As most people know, I'm one of the lucky ones. In my marriage crossdressing isn't "my thing" it's "our thing". It's become an integral part of the love and life that we share and I know I very very fortunate to have Marla in my life for so many reasons, not just cding.

[HaleyPink2000]

Well I had to vote #2 on your pole. My Wife lets me dress at home. We have grown up children that live away. My Daughter knows, and I'm sure by now my Ex has told my Son. Some secrets don't last long in divorces.

My Current Wife of 25 years like I said lets me dress at home. She does not like me going to TriEss meetings at all. Even though It was her Idea in the first place that I find a Doctor or a suport group to go to. Now She's been to Two TriEss meetings. One Haloween and one in Champaign Illinois. It's like I was a little kid or something, She won't let me go by myself to the Hotel the meetings are at. But She won't attend the meetings or talk to the other TriEss members. She did talk to one of the Wives of one of the members, and that was not a cool thing at all. As the woman was very anti CDing and we are all going to Hell. My Wife agrees with the going to Hell thing. If She'd go, and at least try to get to know people. Then She'd find out that they are not freaks. I know She'd be alot more supportive then.

I've been dressing a little since I had surgery about 23 years ago. I wore a Bra to stop pain in my left side as the pushing on the side did keep me from taking so many meds. Since then, It's been a little more at a time, and now I dress completely when I want to, for the most part.

Now days She " My Wife " will buy me certain items of clothing, Bra, panties. But mostly wants me to go and buy them myself, so I do. My clothes take up half the closet, and at times I find her wearing my items of clothing, or wearing my perfume etc. I don't touch anything of Hers at all. No No!

So thats the short form of this relationship. The long form would take volumes.

[Gisele]

My SO knows and loves it! She pushes me to the edge. She just can't push me into a store while dressed....yet.

Soon I will be ready to walk the walk.

Beth

[jamiesmith]

My SO knows and loves it! She pushes me to the edge. She just can't push me into a store while dressed....yet.



Yesterday my wife and I BOTH confessed to feelings of having been "pushing" the other to go faster than desired! We had a good laugh over it.

Despite answering in the affirmative to "complete support" above, it can be a strange thing to deal with and requires tons of communication, even when she is supportive...

[sara_also]

I had to vote #1
and I echo Angel Darling's words. My wife is a wonderful lady.

[elizabeth nicole]

i also had to say 1. my gf is very supportive and wants me to go out more. i want to slow her down a little,she has me at the edge and i am not sure i can take the step yet.she wants me to be out during the day and to clubs that may not understand.

[Lindahexi]

My wife is tolerant to a degree, but rarely discusses it. This morning she saw me dressed (but no makeup) and commented how nice my legs look in pantyhose. Maybe she will eventually accept me fully and join in the fun; I just wish she would talk more about it.

[Josi]

My SO has been amazing .. when we met just over a year ago, she knew I was CD ,, but she had never encoutered it before. From confusion and even some fear she has become an encourager and a most gracious and generous partner.
The words "you can wear my clothes" were a gift of love. I dont like to "push it" by asking if I can dress, but she seems to sense my desire and says (like yesteday) ""do you want to dress, your stuff or mine .. help yourself" ... then pointed out I would look better with natural shade stockings rather than black stockings AND get them for me. She even compliments me upon my appearance ...

Often, I dont NEED to dress .. but she knows I love painted nails .. so does them for me.

When we met for the first time after meeting online, she brought a gift of lipsticks ... and subsequently I have received some lovely femme presents.

I am really blessed.

Outside of the "dressing" she is a beautiful spirit. A warm, caring human being and thrills me by just being her ...a wonderful feminine woman who knows I enjoy her femininty too.
I am happy to declare that I love her beyond measure and recognise how far she has come and how much she must love me to accept all of who I am.

My SO is Annie GG ... Thank you Annie xxxxx

[Mary Jane]

My wife is tolerant in the fact that I can dress when she is away from home. She definitely would rather I not dress but I guess she wants me to be happy too. I keep hoping for more. I do not push and rarely mention the dressing.

[Francesca Chantel]

Are you kidding? My wife got me started... :D

[audrey-1960]

My wife who is my best friend, mother of my children(5), lover ........
Absolutely despises anything to do with crossdressing. I revealed to her several years ago before there was children. She is well educated, well read individual but still looks at crossdressing as an act of peversion. I get so envious when i read about other very supportive s.o.'s.

There are times when I wish ther was some way to leave just so I could have the opportunity to dress.

Unfortunately my house is way to busy to get that private time required.

THATS MY TEN SECOND BITCH

[jackie]

we just got back from shopping, she picked out things for me to wear , and we just got done doing each others nails guess thats a#1 Jackie

[Veronica E. Scott]

My wife of 40 yrs nows of my dressing and will not support or participate in any form at all we are to the point where we are sleeping in different rooms because she cant stand the the thoughts of my shaving and my ( girlie)side.
Her word for my female side.

[Deborah]

Can't vote, as there is no choice for

Sorry, I have no SO

Ditto...me too, but then this thread is only made for those with SO's i guess.
Sniff sniff i feel so left out. :cry:

[tamyracd]

wife has known for years at first we experimented a little at first but she didn't like it ,so i've had to keep it out of site. but now my kids are close to gone and i'm hoping she'll give in a little...0.02

[Sweet Susan]

I'm really surprised that the supportive wife selection is leading in the poll. Just goes to show that you really can get a poll to say anything you want.

[Staci]

My wife is very supportive. Buys me panties, tops, skirts, nighgowns. Even make-up. Just got me a new cover girl lip gloss.

[Amanduhrob]

My first wife was not accepting, it was a "out of sight, out of mind", kind of deal. My current Fiancée is not only accepting, but could care less how I dressed, or my hair length.

My Fiancée is also a Dominant, so we both put everything on the table before we decided to make our relationship, a long term one.

[joanlynn28]

My wife is 100% against my crossdressing, she being a christian woman and calling it a sin. Actually I starting dressing more often wanting to know how I would look as a woman. To me my crossdressing is a gateway into finding out if I am really TG and want to seek counseling regardind SRS. Honestly I made a choice of between her, our marraige, and our home, or me wanting to find my true self, I can't live the lie anymore.

[KimberlyS]

i voted for: Tolerant and will not participate

But my wife is more of a: My wife accepts that i have a strong feminine side and likes many of the characteristics, she just would rather that they not come out also looking like Kim. I can dress around my wife when the kids are not home, but my wife would rather that Kim did not go out of the house, even though she has now been out in public with Kim.

I am very lucky to have a loving wife that is willing to work with me to find how Kim will fit into our marriage. And we are still very actively working on finding how that fit will be.

KimberlyS - CD

[EricaCD]

My wife, whom I love more than anything save our two children, is a classic conflict avoider. A few years ago she discovered some of my clothes and I had to come clean.

She immediately accepted my acknowledgement about my crossdressing, and just as quickly sought to figure out a way NOT to come to terms with it. Once she realized that (1) I wasn't gay, (2) I wasn't pursuing other people, (3) this had nothing to do with what she was/wasn't giving me sexually, she shunted it into a "not threatening" category. I think she now views it as something like checking out porn on the 'net - as long as I keep my hands off and it does not change our regular sex life, she's ok with it.

That said, she made it clear that she was not interested in participating - or even knowing anything more about it. True to form, she simply avoided. Now, I am not going to rub her nose in this, and honestly my interest in dressing does not come close to matching my interest in our relationship. So I dress, quietly, on the side. Could be better but could be much worse...

Love to all,
Erica

[Trish]

My wife is fully supportive of my crossdressing. She actually got me into my first dress, over thirty seven years ago. In fact, this past Christmas, all I got as gifts from her, wer fem items, nothing for the male.

[sharifemme]

I used to have complete support but that has moderated to tolerance most of the time. I guess I tend to push it too much to the point where she misses the man she thought she married. How important is support from one's SO? I think it is the most desired type of support a married transgender person strives for. However, as we push our gender variances more, we have to expect our SO's to have reservations. Thankfully, I have reached the point in my life where I am able to express my other side without many new types of experiences. I won't be needing hormones or surgery because I am already really happy with who and what I am! Whatever that is!

Sharifemme

[Melanie R]

I am like Angel. My dressing is our thing as my wife fully participates. As I write this she is picking out Melanie's clothes for our next crossdressing cruise on April 2. On this cruise I will be dressed as Melanie 24/7. Now I will go see if I agree with her choices as we share many of the clothes. The picture below shows Melanie with Peggy in the New Year's Eve formal outfit she bought me for a GLBT benefit dance we attended this year.

Melanie

[JoAnnDallas]

There is a missing item on the poll. I bet if the bottom selection was "Wife does not know", I bet it would have a strong showing.

[SuzyZahn]

I guess i`m with the `lucky` ones whom wives accept,,,took awahile and is always ongoing I feel..Told her before we married so I was open and upfront with her,,and honest,,,always have been ,,,even if it hurts,,,sometimes she hated that,,,anyways,,,our relationship wasnt based on sex ,,,more of a mature outlook into each other and who we were instead,,,,came to love our persons,,,so after 13 yrs ,,it still is going good,,,,keeping fingers crossed

[elita]

My story is slightly different to most on here.

My former wife would not tolerate my lingerie fetish in any shape or form. She just could (or would) not understand it. I tried everything to get her to accept that I wear female underwear and that's all, but she wouldn't accept it. She even stopped buying pretty underwear for herself because she feared that I might wear it. I wouldn't have, as my wardrobe was far prettier than hers anyway! I was living in Canada at that time and got offered a job in Spain, which I took and so left for Spain, initially on my own. She was to join me four months down the road.

I guess you know what's coming now...
Sure enough I met a Brazilian GG who was over the moon when she found out about my lingerie fetish. She fully supported me in it and for three and a half months we had a ball. She would buy me bras, panties, stockings nighties everything.

Of course the fateful day came when my wife arrived from Canada. And yes, she found out about the girlfriend. By this time I had moved in with the gf even though I had an apartment. My wife stayed in that apartment and I would visit her very often to see where we were going from that point. I told her that part of the problem was her intolerance of my lingerie wearing. I also told that the gf was totally supportive.

She changed instantly, telling me how many years she had wasted in denial. But alas, it was too late, I had lost all my feelings for her, and so we parted. She went back to UK and I stayed in Spain. I am still with the Brazilian four years on even though I live in the UK, I go "home" to Spain about every six weeks or so. Our sex life is wonderful and she is still buying lingerie for me.

I know that it may seem that I blamed everything on my wife, but it was far more complex than I have explained here. I only wanted to stay on topic, not wanting to go into a lot of personal details.

Anyway, I hope those of you with non-tolerant spouses get what you desire eventually, like I did, with or without your current partner.

Hugs to all

[maid phylis]

my wife knows and since i told her she is ok with it as long as she doesnt have to see me dressed,for her as long as i am happy in what i am doing and just be carefull when i go out to my cd group.:D

[Ellie]

My wonderful S.O. is very supportive.

I am very very lucky to have found her and to be with her when I finally decided to fully dress.

She and I like to shop for Ellie and we even openly talk about her when she is not around. We haven't been out dressed together yet but Ellie is something of a home-body anyway so she and my S.O. mostly hang out at home taking pictures of the outfits that my S.O. has picked out for Ellie.

Ellie is My S.O's living Barbie Doll for her to dress up and play with. She has also found a Ken doll for her and Ellie to play with in a few months.

hehehehhe.

It will be Ellie's first time with a guy so she is very excited to try out a lot of things.

[RenaCD]

I Definitely go with the #1 very supportive SO. For Today is the 3 month anniversary of Rena and SageGG meeting and it's been one hell of a ride. (eat your heart out Disney)
The Shopping,the make-up, the nails,the Hair,and OH-OH the Shoes, But best of all is the Closeness, The Love.
Why in God's name did I wait so Long to be Loved and Accepted?

Happy Anniversary Sage I Love You So Much!
Rena
:yrtw:

[Girly Sara]

My long-term girlfriend of 10 years fully supports me and has helped me to gain enough confidence to come out as Sara three years ago to the present day where i did my first ever girly shopping trip enfemme (again she was there guiding me all the way) To say i'm lucky to have Michelle is a major understatement.

Sara xxx

[Kimberley]

There is a missing item on the poll. I bet if the bottom selection was "Wife does not know", I bet it would have a strong showing.
**********
I thought about that one JoAnn. I didnt put it in because I thought it would open it up too much into the realm of singles with gf. It stuck me that the number of us struggling with SO's who won't support us in any way was more telling. As the numbers are showing this is less the case than the perception. However if someone in this situation as you described were to vote in the nonsupportive category I think it would still be relevant.

I think it might be worth looking into as a separate question though. And yes, the reasons behind it would be very telling.

Kimberley.

[Julie Avery]

**********
It stuck me that the number of us struggling with SO's who won't support us in any way was more telling. As the numbers are showing this is less the case than the perception.

Interesting stuff, Kim.

I think the pain experienced by those who struggle with nonsupportive SO's to whom they've come out would explain why we may hear from them in a disproportionate way. I would think that that just has to be a really hard place in which to find yourself, and if I were there, I'd sure be looking for support in a place like this.

By the same token which makes having an SO's support so significant to those of us who enjoy that blessing, an SO's rejection of honest self-disclosure has to just reinforce all the painful fears that have kept so many like myself in the closet for so long.

And I agree with JoAnn, it would be interesting to get a fix on how many are in a long-term relationship where the SO has no idea, perhaps, as you say Kim, on a new thread.

Great thread, thank you for getting it going!

[Kimberley]

Julie,
I agree. Perhaps we are more vocal about our situations that those with accepting SO's. I think we are also suffering all the usual symptoms of guilt shame and fear as a result. Perhaps this is why we are more vocal because of the need to get it out. Just a thought.

Kimberley

[Kimberley]

Thanks to everyone who participated. This was very revealing.

Kimberley.