Is it worth the risk?

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi all,

So you may or may not know I recently came out to my wife about my crossdressing desires.

Long story short we are currently going through an absorbsion period and there is little chance of me dressing in comfort anytime soon.

I'm content with that per say as I understand that time is what is required right now (along with a whole lot of love and support from me).

Anyway back to the point.

My desire to dress has not subsided and I want more than anything to do so sooner rather than later.

I have a long drive home after work and am seriously considering putting on a dress and heels to do so before changing again before I get in. It's night on the drive so very dark and from the observations I've made over the last few nights doing the same journey it's pretty certain I wouldn't get seen.

Then there is the 0.1% chance you get caught up in some sort of road incident.... But it's not like I have to worry about anyone telling my unsuspecting wife as she now knows. I suppose it's how I would deal with it and having gone through the process of telling my wife I think I could handle anything now!

What do you think, risk it and satisfy the need or hold off in the hope that sometime soon I will be able to dress in more comfort and security.

I'm sure this is a quandary many of us have found ourselves in along the way just curious to hear your thoughts.

Miss S

[Kas]

Do it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her! She would probably appreciate the fact that you are keeping it away from her and she already understands you have the need, so why not?

[Charlotte7]

Miss S, dressing is clearly a part of you so you'll need to find a way of doing it. As your title suggests, currently, this is a risk reward thing, so you need to find a way that gives a good reward for the lowest risk. The driving thing seems that it may work, but do think about all the consequences before actually doing it. Also, it seems that your desire isn't going to diminish so a longer term solution is needed, but from your post you seem to know that too. I can only wish you all the best for the future.

[Sara Jessica]

I wouldn't do it. I cannot see that plan as being remotely fulfilling. You should focus on communication with your wife and not stealing a moment or two should help you focus to ensure that you convey your feelings and needs.

[Elizabeth G]

I won't weigh in on the risk aspect as you have done a pretty fair analysis yourself but for me, from a purely practical standpoint, it wouldn't be worth it. Dressing is partly a tactile experience and partly (largely?) a visual experience. I don't think I personally would get much satisfaction out of what you propose but YMMV.

[NancySue]

I wouldn’t do it either. Two risks: auto incident..flat tire, accident, police, etc. and your wife finding out. Chances are.she’ll find out. As you say, she’s in a absorbion stage trying to reconcile many things, of which your CDing plus your secrecy/dishonesty about your CDing is probably at the top. If you get caught driving, that’s # 2 of more secrecy. I understand the needs of the pink fog, believe me..but you need to resolve each issue...one at a time. We live in a small town, making going out almost impossible...mostly fear of an auto mishap. Good luck.

[Kas]

Remember she does have her man clothes with her so she could always just change in the car if something happens to it... Unless she's in a serious accident, where I doubt that will be at the top of her wife's priority list of things to worry about. I think it's better to express yourself in some way rather than trying to suppress a growing desire.

[foxy bartender]

Why not just tell your wife of your plan? She already knows, and may appreciate your honesty, and willingness to compromise and not dress around her until she is comfortable. Just a thought.
And if she says no this time, abide by that, and tell her that you’ll ask another time, and give her the power to decide

[Pat]

It might be worth analyzing why you perceive it to be a risk rather than focusing on the mechanisms by which you may be "caught." You say your wife knows about your dressing and so that's off the table. What is the outcome you fear? Loss of respect? (e.g. strangers who you will never see again seeing you dressed and laughing at you?) Word getting back to your employer? (e.g. you get photographed by a newspaper or filmed and put on facebook?) What is it that is making you nervous and what can you do to mitigate or eliminate the consequence you fear?

[Sarah Doepner]

I suggest you have two goals. First is to meet your need to express yourself and the second is to be honest with your wife. If you dress on the way home, you are hitting number 1 but failing number 2. The downside of that is after sharing your secret with her you are reverting to dishonesty. My experience says it creates a feeling of distrust and that often results in more questions along the line of "what else are you hiding from me?"

You need to work on letting her know the need is real and the value you get is a true value. If you dress, do it at home where discovery will only be one more layer on an existing base. Dressing on the way home may be seen as putting yourself and your crossdressing at risk of greater exposure and that will could easily be seen as an even bigger problem for her to handle. You have invited her to be part of this journey, she needs to be offered a good seat.

[BrendaPDX]

I would take the drive enfemme. It sounds like you are in a DADT already, you aren't hiding. Enjoy a little time, and don't feel bad or guilty. For me fighting the desire is useless, the pink fog never goes away, driving enfemme won't do it for me for long. I have to at least stand in heals taking a short walk (even just around the car) with a stretch and a twirl or two. Don't be too hard on yourself, you came out to your SO, that is a lot! Take care, Brenda

[DIANEF]

Normally I would say yes, do it, but in your situation, having recently come out to your wife, and then doing something behind her back, hmmm. A small chance she would find out, but if she did, well......

[Alice B]

I agree with Sara. Untill things can be resolved with your wife and some sort of agreed upon plan is made it is not worth the risk. The fear would not give you any relief. Perhaps with discussion you can get your wife to allow this type of drive home, with the understanding that you will change back once home. Doing anything behind her back will not have good results.

[FeWill]

For the most part I agree with Kas but there are a few things to consider:

No you can't turn that part of you off. If you do, it should win you some serious brownie points with your wife for denying yourself just so she can let it wash over you.

The biggest road problems are Accident and getting pulled over. Neither of these will give you enough time to change. You can underdress and eliminate the getting pulled over part being a problem; but if you do get into a bad enough accident they will strip you down to do an exam if they have to.

The flat tire part I would not worry about, as Kas said, you will have your man clothes with you. However, I think it is important to consider the likelihood of this as well as the seclusion of the trip. If you got a flat tire in the middle of no where, would you enjoy changing the tire in your dress and heels?

Colette

[gina shiney]

MissSecret
You should try and comply with your wife's request in the dressing, you made the offer and it was accepted. It is not easy and at times damned hard. Your own resolve is being tested (this is common in all relationships) in (future) dressing you are training yourself, that things are ok to do if not caught. (Unless resolved) Before disclosure what you were doing was not lying. This is important to any partner, if you are found out in this it will affect from that point on, your relationship. Guilt does strange things to our own minds and one starts to question every look and action. This can cause unbearable strain.
How to get your wife to talk about it I couldn't answer that. My wife has been attending my sessions for a few years and outside of that environment doesn't talk about my needs at all. Every thing is fluid ; what is ok today isn't always ok tomorrow.
When we tell our loved ones a huge burden of guilt is lifted from us, but passed onto them in ways we dont consider or even understand.
ok maybe I have read to much into this and it's ok to dress but not in her presence.
Best wishes for both of you. Gina

[Joni T]

In my opinion, is it worth the risk? In a word, NO.
Jon

[AllieSF]

It is not clear as to what was actually agreed to with your wife and what if any limitations were agreed to. If none were discussed, then why not? If ones were discussed and agreed to, then I recommend that you talk with her, or just try some underdressing or wearing some androgynous type clothing to partially satisfy your needs. It may not require an all or nothing situation. Good luck with whatever your decide.

[Ressie]

Where are you gonna change into fem, and where are you gonna change back into drab? How long is the drive?

If the drive is an hour or so it might be worth doing as far as time goes. But I agree with Elizabeth that an important part of cross dressing is seeing yourself dolled up. Maybe you only need to feel the clothing on you? For me, part of the fun of driving dressed is when I'm seen by others - even though it doesn't happen that often. But this would mean dressing fully!

You said that time is what is required now so maybe you need to completely stop dressing for a while.

[Stephanie47]

Risk v reward! That's the question we have to make with any issue. You alluded in a past post you do not know if your wife will divorce you. That is a possibility. You lose your wife and custody of your children. Reward? You can hang your clothes in a closet, line shoes at the foot of the bed, and dress whenever you want. Is there a negotiated settlement between the two? Maybe not. However, forcing your wife to make an uninformed decision may not be in your best interests. I sense your inability to express yourself freely will become almost a compulsion which may cause you to make unwise decisions.

I suggest waiting until your wife has time to mull over this revelation. With knowledge she is more apt to make an informed decision and not act impulsively.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you for all the replies. I was, in a way, surprised by the number of those suggesting that it was perhaps the wrong thing to do at this time.

It has made me reflect on how I maybe handling things since I came out.

Having said that, I did it.

I went to a car park, found a secluded space. Hopped in the back and got changed. Heels, and a jumper dress. I wore a bra and panties too. It took 5 mins to change from drab to femme.

I drove out the car park and travelled about 10 miles before pulling into a hotel on the carriageway and in their carpark changed back to drab.

What did I get out of it?

Absolute joy of being dressed. A little bit of a buzz and a little thrill too.

Do I feel guilty about it? Not as much as I would have done when I was in the closet. Will I do it again? Probably.

My wife and I did chat again tonight about my CD'ing but that is for another thread sometime maybe.

Again I appreciate all your comments, most of which I saw after the event....

Miss S x

[Kas]

Congrats misssecret!

Good choice IMO.

[Alisonforme]

I think if you want to dress and you have the means to dress, you should dress. It's something that will bring you pleasure and the odds of a road incident are minuscule.

[Becky Blue]

Miss S in my opinion the urges to dress are going to get stronger the longer.. so if driving dressed helps you deal with your current situation in a more patient manner then I would be considering it. I think its a much better option than pushing your wife too hard to fast because your desperate.

I always ask myself when dressing out.. what is the worst that can happen and how would I deal with that if it did happen? If the answer is not acceptable to me then I don't take the risk. More often than not the worst case is not too bad.

BTW Miss S.. you may need a name change soon to Miss (not so) S

[Tracii G]

Glad to see you got your dressing fix for the day

[carolyn todd]

Miss S take thing slowly with your wife DON'T GO AND UPSET HER you don't want to do that she might start putting up fence's not nice.
as for driving dress BE CAREFUL don't leave any think in or under the seat the car?, i suppose the next step is get out of the car to have a walk around.

Carolyn

[Tamsin Secret]

BTW Miss S.. you may need a name change soon to Miss (not so) S

Haha yes Becky this has been mentioned before. I don't have a first name for my alto ego. Even when I do I think I will naturally adopt 'Secret' as the Surname. I think it has a nice ring to it e.g Miss Mindy Secret (Mindy was a name I thought about for a little while).

[Stephanie43]

MissSeret,

I recently came out to my wife as well. Although she is excepting, she is still processing and coming to terms with it.

That being said, if I were in your situation, I would not dress in secret or behind her back so to speak. It’s my opinion that if you do, her being able to absorb all of this could totally back fire on you. Even tho she knows now, being sneaky with your urge to dress could very well be dishonesty in her eyes (provided she found out you were secretly dressing). Trust me, I definitely understand that urge to dress. I think we all do. Us CD’ers have to remember that we have been doing what we do for many, many years. Our wives or SO’s are just now being brought into our world (for some of us). So they need time to wrap their heads around things. I believe that being honest (not sneaky) and doing our best to stay out of that “pink fog” will go a long way with her being more excepting.

At the moment, my wife chooses to be in the DADT group. It’s a huge relief to me that she knows now and I have the feedom to be Stephanie. However, I can’t let Stephanie take over. Would I love to be en femme majority of the time? Hell yes!! But, I love my wife of almost 22 years now very much. She is still my priority, not Stephanie. My advise would be to not let Miss Secret take over. Just imagine that little kid that walked into Disney World for the first time. They are overwhelmed with so many things all at once. I think our wives or SO’s just walked into Disney World for the first time.

Anyway, not sure if this is helpful or even makes any sense, but good luck.

[Maria 60]

Well it's not what we prefer to do but for myself when I don't get opportunity in the home for a while, a drive dressed is to me a sense of relief and satisfaction. As long as your wife knows the risk is less because in case an emergency she wouldn't be totally shocked. A fender bender can easily happen and in case of a flat or something you can put your male clothes back on. I only suggest you do it because I do it now and then, and if you read my last few threads, (Warning) its highly addictive.

[Tamsin Secret]

It’s a huge relief to me that she knows now and I have the freedom to be Stephanie..

Firstly can I say I understand the Colossus undertaking in choosing to tell your wife. It's such an emotional thing to do for both of you and I can only hope you get the outcome your looking for.

The reason I have quoted this part of your message (and thank you btw) is that having told my wife I haven't got this opportunity. I'm in a limbo of having told the biggest secret in my life but with no outcome... Good or bad. We have talked, but there is no clear message other than she doesn't think she can deal with it. (She has told one other person with my blessing so she hasn't to burden this on her own).

Having released this major part of my life I can't just now box it all back up and wait patiently until something never happens...

I'm not going to go prancing round the house 24hrs a day however I'm currently being told if it's done in the house she will feel uncomfortable and that is not fair on her.

I'm possibly feeling more lost and isolated than I did before I came out. The only solice is I no longer feel like I'm lying to her.