Fess up or Dress up

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi all.
My wife has been able to accept some aspects of my crossdressing, sometimes, since I told her about 2 years ago.
But not any more.
I've being dressing secretly some times without telling her but then sometimes I tell her(after the fact) that I dressed up in her dress one night or another. She asked how it made me feel I said "I felt nice/comfortable"...she now doesn't know where this is all going and she claims that I know. & To be honest - I don't!
When I dress up it's always only for a very short time I'm our house when she's out. Never more than an hour.
I feel good when I'm dressed up but it's always rushed and have never been fully made up or dressed up.
It's normally panties, tights, bra(stuffed with socks) & any dress or outfit that is handy. So, no wig, no high heels(or even low heels) sometimes I might chance my arm at doing makeup but that's rare because of the time constraints and my lack of ability to do it properly. I mentioned socks - I would love my own breasts obviously but even breast form.
Anyway, she wants me to come clean with her to be honest with her & also with myself and so I have a day or two to sort this out once and for all.
I haven't been much of a husband or even a friend to her lately and I've made some stupid mistakes in the past which I get reminded of nearly every argument we have.
I've been to therapy last year but it didn't last - the therapist said I wasn't doing anything wrong (more or less) and was more concerned about my wife hitting me on occasion.
So, what to do?
*Do I tell her I will refrain from using her clothes and get my own? I mentioned this option recently to a negative response.
*Do I tell her I won't do it again? Tried that too - hasn't worked yet.
*Do I tell her I want to get a wig & heels & makeup lessons? I've hinted at all three.
*Do I tell her that I love her and don't want to lose her or the kids and beg her to accept me ad all my issues?

I under dress nearly everyday even at work - meaning I wear tights, panties & sometimes have my toenails painted.
These are some of the things she has partially & unwillingly accepted but wonders what will creep in next to being accepted as the norm for me.
I am yet again desperate, lost & confused.
I want to be able to crossdress in my own home but would have a big fear of going out in public, although I wish I could - thanks society for that one!
I live in a small minded small town where everyone knows everyone so even someone passing the house scares me or did the neighbour see me that time or whatever.
I'm not 100% sure what she expects me to say in order to save the marriage - but she wants me to be honest - so in my opinion it will end in divorce as she can't deal with all my crap & seemingly I can't change.
Help appreciated

[Kas]

Hi baybeeblue,

I'm just going to jump to your points:

• You should DEFINITELY stop using her clothes... I don't know who gave you a negative reaction to this idea originally, but they're wrong. Women do NOT like sharing their clothes unless asked BEFOREHAND.

•Only tell her you won't do it again if that's the TRUTH. Telling her you "won't do it again" implies that that's it for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you say this, you must never dress and if you do, you are a liar.

•There is nothing wrong with telling her you want a wig and heels, but be prepared for a negative reaction. I also would not recommend any type of "class". I bet your wife never went to a make-up class (same with every woman I know) and I'm sure your wife would be thinking it's a very strange request.

•Of course you tell her you love her and don't want to lose her or the kids... Unless you think saying you hate her will help the situation?

I think most of these problems are avoidable if you think about things a bit more. It seems to me you are not really considering it from her side. Sorry if I come across as rude. All of the answers to your question just seem so obvious to me.

[nikkim83]

Then be honest with both her and yourself.

I love you with all my heart I love my children with all my heart nothing will ever change that.
I am not harming you or anyone else nor my children.
I have attempted to find peace within myself, I have been to therapy and counseling, and I have done have you asked, I have attempted to halt my feminine side to please you. I am willing to work on a compromise to mutually benefit us both, but there is no compromise in which I can totally eliminate the fem side of me.
I will be brutally honest with you regardless of how much it hurts, because if we can't be honest with each other there is no solid foundation to build upon.

STOP USING HER STUFF. I went and bought my own and my wife goes out with me all the time.

Here is the advice I would give you. If she hits you again, file charges immediately, take your children out, find a lawyer and file for full custody, and a restraining order RIGHT AWAY.

If there is hoping of saving the marriage honesty is the only thing that will do it, built on love respect, and honesty.

[Majella St Gerard]

First of all, there is NO EXCUSE for her to hit you, that is unacceptable. Stop wearing her clothes. Do not lie. Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world. You will NEVER stop and she will NEVER accept it. What to do? Only you can decide. It's tough but the truth. Sorry for your situation. Good luck.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Dressing is the least of the problems you are facing.
. One spouse hitting the other is abuse.
. The issues shes bringing up, whatever they are might be the things you need a counseling for.
. Being open and honest for some works, for others it does not.
. Wearing her clothes is a huge NO
. If she wants you to talk, then talk, be honest, it sounds as if she has made up her mind, so dont be surprised if its an ultimatum.

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.

I'm not that bothered about the hitting as it doesn't happen that often and I understand that I may have driven her to it anyway.

I know I shouldn't be using her clothes - I need to actually get my own & stop hinting at it.
Kas you hit the nail on the head when you said I'm not considering it from her side & that I need to think more.
These are things my wife has also mentioned to me and I know myself that I don't think too much or consider other sides to a story so I need to work on that. I'm obviously too selfish &/inconsiderate.

- - - Updated - - -

Nikkim83 you mentioned that I'm not harming anyone...I said this to my wife before but she said in tears that I was stripping her of her identity. As I write this now I'm realizing that I am - by using her moisturizer, etc & wearing her clothes .
I am also turning her off me in everything I do. She didn't mind panties or tights for a while but now hates the thoughts of me wearing tights. Shaved legs is a no-no too.
She says that this is not what she signed up for. If I had told her before we got married or when we met we would not be together as she isn't into a man who wants to dress as a woman.

Looks like I'm going to have to man up & say it like it is.

[Majella St Gerard]

you are making excuses for her physical abuse of you, there is NO EXCUSE.

[BayBeeBlue]

Ok. I get your point and agree 100% with you but it's not a regular thing and I'll deal with it if I feel I need to. Thanks though. 👍

[Kas]

Lol if my fiancé hit me I would probably start laughing. No offence to any GGs on here, but girls usually don't hit hard. I think some of you are making a mountain out of a mole hill with the whole "hitting" thing. I know it is "technically" domestic violence/abuse and I'm not condoning that, but it's not necessarily a big deal... I know it feels good to take the moral high-ground, but when it starts to derail a thread from its original point it's not helping anything/anyone.

If the OP thought it was an issue they would have said.

BayBeeBlue,

That's is a tough situation which must be very hard for you. I'm trying to see how this can turn out positively for you, but I think unless you do what she wants, she is not going to be willing to accept you. Hoping this will change for you. It just depends which is more important for you I guess... Keep your family together or be who you really are. It's so hard

[nikkim83]

The first sign of an abusive relationship, the victim ALWAYS blames themselves, and always tries to justify it.

If that is how you feel, then buy your own stuff and resolve it. Honestly I went through the same thing with my wife, I told her one year after we got married that was 11 years ago. I never used her stuff and to this day still will not use her stuff even though she has welcomed me to it at times, (unless it was an old hand me down being donated).

You could certainly be more considerate about it, hence the mention of compromise in my previous post.
You are stripping her of nothing, (unless you are trying to have relations with her in girl form). Identity is more than clothing, and certainly more than moisturizer.
I mean lots of guys use moisturizer for "self relations", and does that strip identity?

I feel guilt about not being what my wife had dreamed of for herself, we recently had a long talk about separating and divorce, it came down to she has seen me in my female version many times, and she has seen me in my male version everyday. Our reasons were I was not what she signed up for and I feel guilt for it, and her reason was because there is no comparison in female form no matter what problems arise I always handle them better, AND I am overall way happier. We are still together for the time being, IDK what next year brings but for now we are in it together for the long haul. We accept each other for who we are and we grow together or we grow apart, life will not stop moving regardless.

What do you want, are you dysphoric, what do YOU get from dressing. Do you have children? We struggled the first 3 years of our marriage, year 5 I had enough, I told her it was selfish of me, I hated myself for it, I was leaving her to be me. We worked through it together, but it will ALWAYS be an issue, because I feel guilt, and she didn't sign up for a gender dysphoric husband.

Marriage is compromise, not 50/50 it has to be 100/100 from each party.


Kas: It isn't about how hard one hits, it is about the fact that one is being hit. If there are children involved, and mom decides to go off the deep end and hit a kid, (as more than discipline). THe OP did bring it up or we wouldn't know about it. There are also other interest in being protected as well such as a woman claiming domestic violence when there was none. Divorces can get extremely messy and life is all about documentation.

This coming from someone who watched 4 separate divorces, one of which involved a car bomb, one watching an innocent person going to jail, and being the abused by a step father. DOCUMENTATION is EXTREMELY important.

[BayBeeBlue]

Hi Nikki, I don't like to give me or anyone a label. So I'm not gender dysphoric & I'm not a crossdresser and I'm also not female - am I male - yes because I have male genitalia but I prefer to say I'm just me.
As I told my wife once, as a child I tried to smother myself with my pillow because I was a boy. So maybe I am gender dysphoric?
Btw, she hits like a man - I just turn the other cheek. Enough about that though please - off topic.(thanks Kas).
I really appreciate all your thoughts and input. It has helped me before & yet again.

[Kas]

This coming from someone who watched 4 separate divorces, one of which involved a car bomb, one watching an innocent person going to jail, and being the abused by a step father. DOCUMENTATION is EXTREMELY important.


CAR BOMB?!?! WTH? You must lead a very interesting life haha. Sorry - back on topic...

[Samantha uk]

I feel for both of you. I've seen this pattern a few times on here, the wife initially accepts it, because thats what seems to be the right thing to do for the relationship, but then after while she discovers, rightly or wrongly, that her her perception of you as a couple has dramatically shifted. The other problem you may have is that you are confused and haven't worked out what this means to you either. After all how can you explain it to your wife when you can't explain it to yourself.

It sounds to me that you will both need to compromise to make this work. I think you have to both agree that you will remember to be the husband that she fell in love with but this won't be going away and she will agree to give you the space to work out how you feel which is not going to be easy as your wife is going to be of limited help to you although you will have to keep a dialogue open to let her know where you are with it.

This thread may be useful place to learn why you feel the way you do. Even if you don't read the book at least read Pats synopsis of it, I found it very helpful
Click here (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?253723-Our-favorite-quot-Why-quot-questions) to go to the thread

[Tracii G]

I think I would want to get away from her.
My first ex hit like a man too and she dared me to hit back so I did.
She cried and called her Mom and said I hit her. I heard her Dad's voice on the phone why did he hit you?
She said I slapped him and punched him really hard.
Her Dad said well you got what you had coming to you.Then her Mom picked up the phone and said you hit your man expect to get hit back.
That was a weird time in my life nothing was normal.

[Kas]

Damn U cray cray tracii!

[LeannS]

Blue
You say it is ok for her to hit you and it is not ok when she does it get pictures and document it.
2) get your own stuff don't use hers it is not ok
3) I don't know how to tell you that you might be a cross dresser you can deny it but you still wear her clothes
you will be better off getting your own clothes.
Divorce is NOT the end of the world trust me it isn't and you could find one that doesn't hit and could love you for just being you and enjoy outing with you being dressed.
and having a girlfriends time shopping.

hope it works out for you

Leann
but there again you already have your mind made up it is YOUR choice to be happy or not

[Dana44]

I can see she is really mad at you for wearing her clothes. So get your own dam clothes. I would sit down with her and have an adult talk with her and apologize for wearing her clothes. My goodness it is amazing she is still with you. She may be more accepting. just get your own clothes.

[BayBeeBlue]

I'm going to get my own stuff. I'm actually quite excited about it too. It should enable me to be me, I hope.
It'll have to be done via online shopping though as I wouldn't have the courage to go into an actual shop in my town and try to come up with excuses - too stressful for me.
But looking forward to dressing up in some nice girly clothes that are mine that I don't have to worry about "did I put that back in the right place" kinda stuff or "damn, I'm after getting some make-up on that dress" ....
So I will see how things go for now....fingers crossed!!
💃💅👗💋💄👙♀️👢👠🍷

[Kayliedaskope]

Now, to be fair, you may have a bit of trouble with shoe sizing online. Remember that women's shoe sizes run approximately 1.5-2 sizes larger than men's shoe sizes (9 men's = 11 women's). I tend to shop for shoes in person so I know what I'm getting right away. It takes some courage, but most sales associates are pretty cool about it (the ones I've run into, anyway - I also like female SA's, as they seem to be more friendly.)

And if you're nervous about shopping in town where someone might see and recognize you, there's an easy solution for that - shop in another town! :) Seriously, this is what many of us do. The idea is, those people won't see you again - unless you go back, and I do when they're nice to me - so just go ahead and enjoy yourself. No one is judging you, there will be no peasants with torches and pitchforks, no one is calling the police and screaming that there's a MAN in here looking at ladies clothing ... all those fears are in your own mind because of our upbringing. Men are men, women are women, men should be masculine, yadda yadda ...

And always ALWAYS remember that if you do work with a sales associate that genuinely wants to make you happy and feel comfortable while shopping, make sure you get his/her name at checkout, and send a nice complimentary letter to the corporate office of the store. "Hello, my name is Jan, and I wanted to tell you about the lovely shopping experience I had with Elizabeth, one of your sales associates at whichever store ..." Mention that you are a CD, or transgender, or whatever you identify as, and let them know how pleasant it was to have this person help you. The same also goes for the rude ones - let corporate know that this person was obnoxious, didn't care about customer service, made you feel uncomfortable, etc. Many stores have training that does include how to respectfully handle people of all genders.

Now, get out there and start melting the magnetic strip off your credit card!

[nikkim83]

I'm going to get my own stuff. I'm actually quite excited about it too. It should enable me to be me, I hope.
It'll have to be done via online shopping though as I wouldn't have the courage to go into an actual shop in my town and try to come up with excuses - too stressful for me.
But looking forward to dressing up in some nice girly clothes that are mine that I don't have to worry about "did I put that back in the right place" kinda stuff or "damn, I'm after getting some make-up on that dress" ....
So I will see how things go for now....fingers crossed!!
������������♀️������


Great move, HOWEVER I caution you as female clothing is WAY harder to size than male, I wear a size 9 in some stuff, average a 10-12 and have had to go to a 16 before.

[Kas]

To add to nickie's post, also be aware that your top half may be a larger size than your bottom half. For me, I usually wear size 8/10 bottoms, but when buying bras I have to get at least a size 12-14 or it just won't fit around my rib cage. Men usually have a broader upper-body so keep this in mind too.

[BayBeeBlue]

Wow! Tnx for those tips everyone.
I'll be judging by my wife's stuff what may suit or fit me. I'm a bit of a skinny rake - 26" waist. Will have to go to another town for shoes definitely. That'll be a tough one to do. I've pulled up outside shops b4 but chickened out at the last minute. Have to get out more too. Size 10 in shoe. And wide feet too. Going to be scary but hopefully I'll get the bug.
Hugs to all. Thanks.

[Kas]

I've pulled up outside shops b4 but chickened out

Don't be nervous. Just say they're a present for your wife. If they don't believe you who cares? Not like they can prove anything. I do it all the time, even pretending to myself, telling myself they're for her to stop the stress. You'll get used to it.

[nikkim83]

To add to nickie's post, also be aware that your top half may be a larger size than your bottom half. For me, I usually wear size 8/10 bottoms, but when buying bras I have to get at least a size 12-14 or it just won't fit around my rib cage. Men usually have a broader upper-body so keep this in mind too.

KAS is spot on it is ALWAYS the rib cage.

IDK where you are at but I have found Ross to be very accommodating. JC Penny as well, as Belk. There is no more fun experience than Sephora for make up. My last experience at Sephora went so well I sent an email to corporate on behalf of the rep saying thank you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm not that bothered about the hitting as it doesn't happen that often and I understand that I may have driven her to it anyway.

Umm, yeah. Classic abuse behavior, but it's usually the man hitting and the woman receiving.


My neighbor lady must have had quite a temper. Her first husband let because of the abuse he was getting.

Then, she hit her new boyfriend. He tried to call 911. She took the phone from him. He eventually called 911. When the police came, they arrested her. This is not a euphemism. She did get arrested, taken to jail and then released after booking. Apparently, it's against the law (at least in my locale) to take the phone away from someone calling 911 in a domestic situation. He was provided with a 3 day protection order. I don't recall who moved out of the house for 3 days, but one of them did.

You are free to handle this however you want, unless the police show up.

As to the CDing, you either have to separate or compromise. I've told my wife (honestly) that I'm just a CDer. But she still asks me if I want a sex change now and then

[BayBeeBlue]

Well ladies, had the talk this morning which lasted hours & hours.
And I don't think it's over yet.
I told her exactly what was on my mind and what I wanted - selfish me.

I'm sorry for wearing your clothes it won't happen ever again.
I want to wear my own clothes, get a wig, wear make-up and I want to get heels.
I was asked did I want to become a woman - No.
She said I have given her this burden to her & her only to keep secret from the kids & family - not fair.
I was asked if I had to choose would I choose "lady clothes" & "prancing about the house in them for an hour or so every week" over the love of my kids & youngest child especially - I would choose my kids.
I told her I regretted telling her anything about this in the first place - mature!
Honesty is the best policy....hmmmm?

I had all my life to sort this out (my cd-ing) but I chose to pack it all up over the years & keep it in storage in a freight train to wait for the right moment to run her over with it....in her words more or less.
I need to take a step outside of myself and look at what I'm doing....I need to sort out my mental health issues...I may need to go on medication...all her words.
I'm not in touch with my feminine side as if I was I would be more nurturing...and being in touch with your feminine side is not just about wearing women's clothes.
She's not willing to accept this s**t from me anymore. Not what she signed up for.
Was told just because I told her all of this does not give me the right to go out & buy heels or wig or dresses.
Separation was mentioned but she mainly wants me to work on myself and my issues of selfishness, lying, mental health, etc etc.
She probably right though in some aspects as life lately has been pretty mundane, monotonous and overall s**t.
I've probably let this get in the way of everything else.
So, overall I was given plenty of food for thought - I just have to figure out how hungry I am.
At least I didn't get hit !
I probably shouldn't even be relaying this on the forum as she has been scouring the internet in relation to cd-ing.
She has told me that if I wanted validation for what I'm doing to go onto any CD forum/website & I will be told I'm not doing anyone any harm by fellow cd-ers but she could find little or nothing from wives of cd-ers who can't or won't cope with it.
So it's out there now....something to be sorted.

[Kas]

Baybeeblue,

Once again, that sucks. It seems she is not even willing to consider it... It just depends on what's more important to you. I am lucky that my SO is accepting and supportive, but if she wasn't, I would always put her and the kids first, even if it means never dressing again.

The problem now though could be that even though you might tell her you will never address and actually mean it, she still has this altered view of you and will never be able to get it out of her head that you want to wear women's clothing.

[BayBeeBlue]

Baybeeblue,


The problem now though could be that even though you might tell her you will never address and actually mean it, she still has this altered view of you and will never be able to get it out of her head that you want to wear women's clothing.

Very true. She will never get it out of her head. She knows it's going to be lurking in the shadows. I need to man up and try to reassure her in whatever way I can verbally & physically i.e. I need to occupy my mind (& hers) with other stuff like paying more attention to her & her needs. I'm such a sap really....it took me to do all this typing from the start to make myself think about what's going on and what a mess I've potentially made of her life. I suppose it's therapy in a way too. Fingers crossed. Thanks again to all for your time & input & help.

[Samantha uk]

Sounds like you should let things lie for a little while, be a husband and dad for a few weeks. You might also want to think about counselling too.

The other thing you have to be aware of, and I'm speaking about my own experience, is that CD'ing can be an addictive behaviour. Most CD'ers are not free to express our feminine sides and when we do finally get the chance we get a rush of endorphins. It then becomes a reinforced behaviour, the more we do it the more we want to do to get the same kick again.

The trouble with that is you can find it hard to focus on the other parts of your life and the only way your wife can support you with this is if she feels supported herself and remember you will be a lot further down the crossdressing road than she is.

Experience has taught me that if I'm a good husband and I reassure my wife that I love her at every opportunity (which is what I should do anyway :) ) then she not only feels she's not alone with it but she also knows her husband is still the man she fell in love with and then slowly but surely you can both find a way through.

She may never be able to accept you as CD'er but if you try and force her she will kick back, it has to be collaborative not confrontational.

[nikkim83]

Well it's out in the open, and ultimatums have been given. You need not choose between your children, and the fem side of you.

In my case my gender dysphoria is my burden, I have chosen to share it with my wife as a respect and honesty thing, if I could wake up and this be gone and I have no memory of it I would be relieved.

Documented domestic abuse trumps wearing a dress all day every day.

There is no medicine to take, well there is but that's a different tale for a different day and different section of the forum.
To a certain extent its my da$%$$ money and I have a right to spend it as I choose.

There are counselors to talk to but they cant make it go away.

I am guessing she told you what to work on? There are two sides to every compromise? What is she willing to give to get in return.

If you are a good dad, and loving with your kids. The nurturing side is there.

Remember yes you are the one with the problem(if you want to see it that way) but you came to her with openness and honesty.
You are reaching how far does she wanna reach back, you may even propose a DADT setup.

[BayBeeBlue]

I watched my youngest girl happily run into her school as I dropped her at the gate...and I thought how lovely and happy she is and how innocent too. I welled up inside - maybe that's part of my feminine side right there. She hugs me at EVERY opportunity she can (nearly every 5 seconds - it feels like) and I thought to myself - I could quite easily lose her by what I'm doing - and yes it is VERY addictive & I have a very addictive nature anyway so I realised then that I should relax a little with my CDing and stop obsessing about it all the time which I've been doing a lot lately. If she knew she might not understand and it could possibly ruin our relationship. When I'm in my obsessive mode I realise that I consider nobody around me only myself and what I'm doing. She's only 7 and is my best little helper - no matter what I do she is ALWAYS by my side watching, questioning & offering help. I love her to bits. Actually a couple of weeks ago I was with her - she was sorting her bits & pieces & found lipstick & nail varnish & asked could she do my nails - I was very tempted but just said no thank you. I didn't say "no men don't wear nail varnish or make-up" but did say that "mammy might think that would look silly on daddy's nails".
Anyway, went off topic there sorry...
I couldn't have got to where I am currently in my head without all the advice, experiences & help from everyone here ... So yet again I thank you all.
I'll still be around here though visiting reading & hopefully helping others too.
If anyone wants to chat I've no problem with that at all.
Will keep you posted with what's going on.
I'm not saying goodbye just saying goodnight really.
Virtual hugs to all. 🤗��🤗🤗🤗