Why am I so scared of walking amongst people

[Samantha uk]

So today I forced myself to walk where there where tons of people, I wanted to see if there where any reactions (video here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MEYsVjPK14))
I know people generally don't notice and don't even care if they do but I find it so scary to do, I don't know if I'll ever pluck up the courage to go into a shop or talk to someone, I don't know how some of you do it

[DaisyLawrence]

You'll get used to it. Honestly.

Daisy

[kimdl93]

Hmmm, thinking back I had similar fears at first. I guess at one point the need to ask for help from an SA forced me to interact.

It feels more ‘normal’ and I suppose appears more so as well, when compared to how odd one might come across avoiding eye contact and interaction

[Teresa]

Samantha ,
If you have gone this far why not find a social group where you can open up to like minded people .If you are anywhere near our group in the East Midlands why not join us at the Ramada near Grantham. It's the best way of integrating into meeting the public , going to the bar and ordering a drink and a meal proves fairly painless . I now arrive early dressed and order afternoon tea and relax in the lounge area before the meetings .

At least it gives meaning to being dressed , rather than walking aimlessly round just waiting to see if people will react. I overheard a conversation between a couple debating if I was a woman or not, I found it amusing and settled the argument when I walked over to them to offer the local newspaper which I had just finished reading .

[Sheila B Kelly]

Well Samantha, I think you looked fantastic. Well done girl ! :)

[Princess Chantal]

Nice video. I noticed near the end where you mentioned that crossdressing is not a path he chose or wanted to take, but was chosen for him. Nice to see that I don’t fit into another generalization, as I did choose to dip my toes into crossdressing after seeing how much fun was being had from the local crossdressing social group’s website. How did I come across that website you may be scratching your head about..... my girlfriend had a Halloween idea to dress me up and introduced me to the website in which she came across while researching on the net (Masquerade). It kind of shocked me how the members looked. The quote “Where Boys have fun being girls!” kept my mind opened on her suggestion and got me curious whether it may ring true. I enjoyed the time of being dressed up for the Halloween party, however came to love the activity even more when I decided to take up crossdressing and became a part of the social group.

[reb.femme]

Hi Samantha,

You seem so near to your desire to just exist and I think that you're only a single move from fulfilment. I broke my duck by going into a motorway service station on my way home from Cheshire, a few years back. Toilet and tea but, not at the same time. Hell, I'm British, what oh! That Next shop you walked past? Go in next time. I hadn't shopped until I saw a skirt online and then thought, Dorothy Perkins (in up-market Croydon :heehee:). Skirt tried on, loved it, bought it. Seriously, I know how hard it is and would happily escort you if I could. You'll be surprised how easy it is.

You look great by the way. Tidier than this wreck but, that's no big ask. :devil:

Becky

[Julie Slowinski]

Hey Samantha, First off ... great video.

I too had a lot of anxiety about going out in public. My latest thoughts on the subject are in this recent post. Hope it helps...

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?254141-Going-Out-and-Passing&p=4173835&highlight=#post4173835

[Helen_Highwater]

Samantha
I once thought as you do. Now several years after taking that first step into a shop.
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?254241-Interacting
The truth is we create demons in our own mind. Shop assistants aren't going to be rude to you. Not if they want their job. And. ....most folks ARE NICE!
There are enough UK gurls dotted around who will meet up and act as a wingman if you want support in getting out there. Can I suggest you amend your profile to show the general area you live in and post asking for a good samaritan to meet up with.

[Barbara Jo]

Yeah, you look great and carry yourself well.
So, there is no reason to be scared . :)

You may think of yourself as a male is wearing female clothes but, others will just see a women wearing the clothes that women wear, and have every right to wear...absolutely nothing out of the ordinary . :)
So, just walk about as any other female would . :)

BTW, not every female is a runway model and some females are rather masculine looking. The public is well aware of this.

[Beverley Sims]

Samantha,
You are off to a great start, those that may have rumbled you may have been thinking of some other situation entirely.

I have walked past other women only to find that their attention was directed elsewhere when laughing and giggling.

As for talking to others it becomes easier when you are addressed a few times by others wanting your assistance.

The gremlins really do shrink after a while.

[Kelly4040]

I saw the video and that outfit is so cute! Good job!

[Aunt Kelly]

First off, let me say that I understand. The unknown is often scary. You have yet to experience what it's like to interact with "the normals" and the imagination can draw some pretty ugly pictures. The reality is otherwise. I can repeat that all day long, but you have to experience it to know it fully. Like Kandi and Jeri Ann have always said, an honest smile will disarm almost anyone who might be even the least bit taken aback by you. I wont' rehash it but I will point you to Julie's recent post along those lines. Go read it, then figure out how you will prove to yourself that the world is far, far less hostile than your imagination would have you believe.

Hugs,


Kelly

[RADER]

Samantha;
You look great, you walk is real good; I do not see any reason you should be taken
for anything but a girl out walking around.
The two GG's by the car where most likely admiring your dress, after all one hardly
see's a girl walking around in a dress and heals. You where superb.
Rader

[Tracii G]

Be honest with yourself and ask yourself that question not us.
Is it you being trans or homophobic? Let that sink in for a while
Same goes for issues like you wondering how to walk among so many people.
Its a fear of the unknown more than anything and its up to you and only you to deal with it and overcome it.
Now please people don't jump all over me for saying that because you know its true.

[Pumped]

I think you did very well too.

I find it hard to believe that anyone would pick you out unless they really studied you. Your walk is good, but try loosen up a bit, put a bit of sway or wiggle in the hips, your walk looked tense to me. Your face is a bit manly, but not too bad, again, it would take more than a casual glance to pick you out as a man. Perhaps better makeup, maybe different eye glasses might help? You are so very close! I wonder if the two women were just looking at something else because i find it hard to believe they made you as you walked across the parking lot, unless they caught a good look earlier.

At any rate, good going, you are so far ahead of me in appearance, walk and style! It frustrates me to see some of you gurls you do it so well!

[Sami Brown]

I encourage you to go out and do it again. You have gotten over the hump with your accomplishment. You will probably still feel scared, but I bet it will be a little less so.

Sami

[Diane Smith]

The video is great. Nothing about your outfit or movement would arouse any notice. And as you can see in the video, it's very unlikely you would get any negative reactions. Just relax a bit more - and pop into a few of those stores where you were window shopping!

- Diane

[docrobbysherry]

I was scared stiff the first time I went out amongst the muggles, Sam. Because I don't pass I get a lot of stares and sometimes negative comments or guffahs. :straightface:

Since then, I've been out there countless times. And, u know what? IT STILL STRESSES ME OUT EVERY TIME!:doh:

[Samantha uk]

Be honest with yourself and ask yourself that question not us.
Is it you being trans or homophobic? Let that sink in for a while


I definitely won't be jumping all over you for asking it, I think its very helpful to be asked difficult questions.

I'm certainly not transphobic or any other kind of phobic for that matter. In fact the funny thing is my wife and I are quite liberal thinking and we are absolutely fine with how anybody chooses to express themselves, in fact we actively encourage it.

No I think the difficulty comes from how ingrained gender expression is in our culture. I am from a military family with 2 brothers and we had a full on boys upbringing with some proper boys adventures, and adult ones for that matter, and I love that male part of my identity. Crossdressing didn't fully come to me until about 5 years ago in my late 30's so its been a uphill struggle to adjust the perception of myself.

It's not just my perception thats needed shifting, my wife is also having to change hers. She fell in love with the man bit of me and we are a typical vanilla couple! she is quite a petite feminine female and I'm a 6 foot manly man (mostly :) ). Now she's having to adjust to this female bit too.

We are getting there with it but we still have a way to go, she still hasn't seen me dressed yet. I think it will all seem less scary in the future as my wife gets more comfortable with it and I get more confident.

Anyway thanks for all the kind comments, not sure when I will get the chance to do any more vids but hopefully I will soon be able to do one of me talking to people :)

[Stephanie47]

For the life of me I cannot figure out where the comment "transphobic" is coming from when reading Samantha's comment. What I got from her statement is fear of others being transphobic (or homophobic) and acting on that hatred or bigotry or whatever one wants to call the feeling of negativity. It only takes one person to really mess up someone's day.

There is fear of the unknown and there is also fear of the known. Information is also learned from others' experiences. If I have not taken a stroll wearing women's clothing late at night through an unlit park should I not have some fear of doing this or should I be apprehensive based on the bad experiences of others?

[Nikki A.]

It is not unusual to be scared or nervous being out in public in the beginning. You worry about being embarrassed or challenged etc. However after a while you learn that most people are in their own world or just don't see a reason to make a issue of it.
I do agree that safety is important, I know many members here do late night deserted walks, to me that is asking for trouble. Better off being out in daylight and with crowds. It's easier to blend in and there is safety in numbers
As someone who is out with the muggles as Nikki at least once a week, it has now become normal for me. One of my last fears that I had to conquer was supermarket shopping. I did a bit of gender blending at first, to get myself comfortable and now I go as Nikki usually right after church. No problems, no comments, hakuna matada. Funny thing recently, I was trying to reach something from the back of the top shelf and I could balance myself on the lower shelf to reach it. Another younger lady, more limber than old me came over and reached it and got it for me. Clocked or not I thanked her for her assistance and we went on our way. So don't be scared, but be careful,

[Pat]

Samantha -- Lots of great replies so far. As to "Why am I so scared" -- it's because this is your identity. You've been carefully hiding it for decades and now you're bringing it out in front of strangers. I know the fear -- it's the same fear you have when you first sing in front of strangers; the same fear when you first step on stage or play an instrument in front of strangers. You are putting yourself out in front of everyone, raw and defenseless. That's the fear -- that who you are is not sufficient. But the fact is that who you are is sufficient. And just as the world needs singers, actors and musicians, they need you. They haven't known it up to now, but they do.

How do we find the courage to go into a shop and talk to people? I think you're going to find out. ;)


For the life of me I cannot figure out where the comment "transphobic" is coming from when reading Samantha's comment.

The concept is "internalized transphobia" -- that is, the internal belief that we don't deserve to be who we are. Fear can come because we don't give ourselves permission to be who we really are inside. The more optimistic slant on the same thing is "self-acceptance." You grant yourself permission to be who you are. When you achieve self-acceptance, others lose the ability to ruin your day because we realize we are correct in what we're doing and they are wrong. It's like hearing someone say the sun goes around the earth -- you hear their words, but all you can do is marvel over how foolish they are.

[carolyn todd]

Well done Samantha
we all fear the unknown this is what keeps us on our toes it's like our built in radar always checking and checking where we are, what's around us what other people doing what they are thinking about, looking at us.
like Helen said sale assistant can't not be rude to you or any one else they are only doing there job, i was looking for false nails to fit my big hands gave up walk out the shop thinking why don't i ask
s a (yes scared) but if i don't ask i won't get any could not have been easier no problem madam come this way. right nails and got pink nail varnish as well (i was like a dog with two tails) i was so please
i told BOOTS head office i was Transgender (another label )what great service and how help full the young girl was and without a titter or laughter.
as the saying said TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED YOURSELF!.

WELL DONE SAMANTHA

Carolyn
p s waiting for the next one

[Stephanie47]

Even when a person fully accepts who they are there may be a nagging feeling that some in society will act negatively toward them. Do we not see it all the time on this forum? How many times have we read spouses quickly divorce a husband? Or family member shun them or not invite them to family gatherings? Or they are passed over for promotion or are fired? Anyone can read the climate of non acceptance in society for transpersons. The administration is outright hostile toward transpersons. You can accept yourself as much as you want, but, that does not confer acceptance by anyone else. Do other classes of people have the same challenges? It seems fairly evident African-Americans, Latinos, immigrants, gays and lesbians, women in general, etal can have legitimate fears based on non acceptance of others while fully accepting themselves.

Yes, there are many transgender men and women who have doubts about their own sexuality or sexual identity due to a lack of knowledge. However, that is compounded by a lack of knowledge or ignorance by others around them. My wife is an elementary school teacher and she has seen learned transphobic and homophobic behavior in children as young as kindergarten. She has seen girls belittled just because they are girls and not boys. Learned behavior.

I think "when you achieve self acceptance, others lose the ability to ruin your day" is pie in the sky. When you do not get the job because you're African-American, Latino, Jewish, gay or lesbian, speak with a foreign accent, etc someone's day has been ruined.

[Princess Chantal]

For one to overcome this internalized transphobia they need to not make and fear of the assumptions of what other people thoughts are of your crossdressing and/or gender expression.

[Pat]

I think "when you achieve self acceptance, others lose the ability to ruin your day" is pie in the sky. When you do not get the job because you're African-American, Latino, Jewish, gay or lesbian, speak with a foreign accent, etc someone's day has been ruined.

Ah...OK. But the question was why someone was fearful walking in public. Yes, self-acceptance does not make others accept you. It just removes your personal fear.

[BettyMorgan]

I definitely won't be jumping all over you for asking it, I think its very helpful to be asked difficult questions.

I'm certainly not transphobic or any other kind of phobic for that matter. In fact the funny thing is my wife and I are quite liberal thinking and we are absolutely fine with how anybody chooses to express themselves, in fact we actively encourage it.



A good start for showing that you are not phobic is to remove the captions from your video that say "I'm not gay." If you are not phobic, trans or otherwise, then it should not make a difference so why include it? Homophobic people have a tendency to do things they think other people will perceive as gay and will state after the behaviour that they aren't gay (or the disgusting "no homo" line). As if the behaviour is derogatory or that being gay is something to be ashamed of. As an LGBTQ ally (and I hope you are), you should not worry whether people (including your YouTube audience) wonder if you are gay or straight, married or not. This is just your gender expression we are witnessing.

Gender expression is different than gender identity and sexual orientation. And FYI, you express yourself beautifully. You look classy in that outfit while most people in your scenes are wearing dull yoga pants and bland winter jackets (but that's there choice and right). The females who noticed you - I would look on the positive side and assume they thought it was cool that they saw a trans woman. It was their lucky day.

I remember my first experience out. I was so scared that everyone would be staring at me, even though I knew I would be in my car after dark. It took me a whole year to summon the courage to try again. It's still a little scary but only a little. Time and experience will increase your confidence and comfort level. Enjoy it.

[ellbee]

Nice vid! :thumbsup:

And congrats for getting out there. I know some can't/won't, as it can be kinda a big step.


Yes, it can take some time -- and nerve -- to further build up that confidence & finally talk to someone and/or go inside somewhere like that. But, you simply do it, if you feel the need to. There is no getting around that... You just have to make the conscious decision & actually follow through.

I used to go out en-femme all the time, back in the day. And yeah, it could be nerve-racking at first, sometimes. But even these days, it can still happen to the best of us. Just this morning, I sat in my car for a couple minutes in the grocery store parking lot, just because I was wearing a hoodie-&-leggings outfit, entirely from the women's section, but I was in guy-mode -- and I was a bit anxious/nervous! No idea why, just one of those things. I guess I had to calm myself down a bit at first, as it was my first stop of the day? :strugglin

When I got tired of waiting for the "right moment," and realized how silly I was being, I just said screw it, opened the car door, got out, and finally headed inside. And once there? I soon found myself actually taking my time, since I was now relaxed & having fun with it all, trying to think what else I could possibly buy... "Ooh, let's go back down this aisle... Wait, cross half the store again, for something else!" Just so I could spend more time in the store, despite having other stops to make elsewhere, afterwards, LOL.

Yeah, it can be weird like that sometimes. And by the end of my errand run, I actually didn't want it to be over! But in order for me to get to that point, I first had to make the conscious decision to do it -- and actually follow through, by taking that figurative & literal first-step, to get things rolling.


Anyway, enough of that. Just know that you're not alone in this kind of stuff.



A few observations, if I may? :)

- What is that in your hand? A car key? Maybe it's just me, but why does it look like you're walking around with a knife or something? LOL. A bit intimidating, methinks. It looks a bit odd, IMO. And if it caught my attention, perhaps it caught others', as well? I say keep it in your purse.

- Out of all the GG's in your video, I saw only one wearing a skirt/dress. And even then, she was wearing thicker opaque tights & "non-heels." I understand the CD'ers' general love of skirts/dresses/pantyhose/heels, but when you're pretty much the only one? Yeah, you're going to call some attention to one's self. Why not dress like pretty much the rest of GG's? I know, I know... It's not "fun." Bah, I say! But a pink floral dress/skirt, at that? Wear what you want & what you like, of course, but just be mindful that one's chances of being noticed/read/not-blending pretty much skyrockets, IMO. Personally, I thought some of the GG's outfits looked pretty cute. :thumbsup:

- Looks something like 3-inch heels? You're already 6-foot. Yes, there are a few tall GG's out there... But they are the exception, not the rule. I'm 5'9", and even then I felt pretty tall while en femme -- while wearing 1/4" flats, mind you. I understand the love of heels... But at the same time, I really don't get it, when it comes to public CD'ing. Again, everyone should feel free to wear whatever she wants. Though just be mindful of the unintended results it can bring, too -- especially if one isn't more or less average-GG height.

- I believe the blonde (of the pair of GG's) was the first to spot you. She then alerted the (hot :D ) brunette with the baby stroller, who otherwise probably never would have noticed. I don't believe they were making fun of you or anything, per se. Though I'd love to have heard their conversation in full. I could be wrong, but I also get the impression that they were kinda cool with the whole thing, on some levels... And I really love the way the brunette looked over & smiled for the *third* & final time. In addition, I believe the redhead possibly noticed you just prior, but also perhaps then overheard at least part their conversation, which further piqued her interest.


It may sound like I'm being too negative & nit-picky. Sorry if I might come across like that. But I'm simply stating some observations of mine, which may or may not be of any use, LOL.

Thank you for sharing your video.


Anyway, question for you: If your camera wasn't rolling, would you have known that those 2 GG's (blonde & baby-stroller brunette) had noticed you?

Food for thought, for any & all... ;)

[Barbara Jo]

BTW, even it someone does happen snicker or point at you (not likely to happen) what is the very worst that can happen .... assuming that you are in a safe environment?
Just ignore them and continue on.

Fact is, people can generally detect fear in people. People can also detect confidence. They can react to you accordingly.

It's your life and do not let others, and your unfounded fears of them, dictate how you live it.
Do you honestly think that the people around you as you walk about give a damn about what you think of them? :)

[Hidey]

What a super video you look so confident. Would be so wonderful to be able to totally dress and go out....

[suzanne]

Confidence and success grow (or shrink) together. If you can convey that you are confident, it tells others you feel you belong where you are. They believe it and let you be. That's a successful outing and another reason for you to be confident next time.

But the entry way to this cycle starts with you. You need to believe, not necessarily that you are passable, but that you belong. Then put yourself in a situation where success is likely. I STRONGLY recommend that you go dress shopping and actively work with a SA. if she is supportive in the least, you will get enough affirmation to quickly build your self confidence.

[Jean 103]

Simply I just do.

What did you expect? Men in white coats? People stopping and staring, or yelling at you?

Ok the last one has happened a couple of times. When you compare it to how many times I been out in public, it's less than one percent of the time, as I can only remember it happening three times and I've been out hundreds of times. I've been full time for the last couple of years.

So I watch your video. Nice, what I saw was just some walking. Really nothing to get worked up over. You do have bare legs, but still very conservatively dressed.

You look just fine, talk in a softened voice and you can go anywhere. Its not about passing, its about being yourself. It's a whole lot easier then that video was to make.

Its like riding a bicycle, at first your all wobbly, unsure, but you keep going. You may start off with training wheels. After a while you get to a point you are no longer having to pay as much attention to riding, you are now taking in the sights and sounds around you.

I think you are ready to go into that shop. The only thing holding you back is you.

I wish you the best Jean

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Samantha :hugs:, I think that you really nailed it , You look great.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[BrendaPDX]

Samantha, You have nothing to worry about, your presentation is near perfect if not perfect. If anything you may be overdressed a little. You look great. Go for it.

[Barbara Jo]

................- What is that in your hand? A car key? Maybe it's just me, but why does it look like you're walking around with a knife or something? LOL. A bit intimidating, methinks. It looks a bit odd, IMO. And if it caught my attention, perhaps it caught others', as well? I say keep it in your purse.........'

Very good point.

[Suzanne Blake]

Samantha you have very natural and feminine movements, in addition to your look. Watching the other people in your video you seem to blend in well.

[CynthiaD]

Just because something is scary is no reason not to do it. Some men climb mountains some men swim the sea, and some men dress up like women and go into shops and buy things. To each his (or her) own adventure.

[Teresa]

I can see the point of carrying your car key, it is to hand if things go pear shaped. I know keys can be notorious for burying themselves at the bottom of a handbag, I now make sure they are in my hand before leaving the hotel to avoid standing in the cold and rain searching for them .