Asking our wives...

[Stephanie43]

As some of you already may know, I recently came out to my wife. She seems very excepting so far. She’s asked that I not go out in public dressed, which at the moment, I have no desire to do. She’s also asked that I dress when she’s not home, which is also fine. After coming out to her, she allowed me to go purchase a few things and gave me a spending limit. I did not ask her to come with me and she didn’t offer to come. I bought a skirt, top to match, some heels, black thigh highs, a bra and a few rings (I already had a wig). I totally suck at clothes shopping and the items I mentioned are the only femme things I have. Also during our conversation, she said I could use her makeup, which I’m not great at using either. Anyway, here’s my questions:

Have any of you asked your wives to help with shopping for clothes and accessories?
If so, how did you approach the subject?
How long after coming out did you wait to ask?

Have any of you asked your wife to help you buy makeup? Help with applying makeup?

I came out to her about a month ago, so this is all still new to her. I don’t want to overwhelm her, especially right now during the holiday season. If the feedback from you guys is to ask her for help, I’m definitely going to wait until after the first of the year.

[Shely]

Sounds like a similar situation to mine, in a way. My first thought, is don't use her make up, and don't use her clothes. In fact don't use any of her items at all. Most women won't tolerate this. But do be sure t listen to her limits and try not ot push them too fast. Otherwise enjoy the experience of sharing the CD experience as much as you can. Good Luck!

[Kas]

How I went shopping with my SO for the first time was I just waited until we were already at the shopping centre together, then just asked if she minded I have a browse of one of the department stores (Kmart). She asked what I was looking for and I said I wanted some tights. She said ok that's fine I'll come. Once we got to the women's section she opened up a lot more, I think realising that it's not that bad/weird. We ended up both getting some tights and since then it's never been an issue. I think it's definitely worth it trying to get her onboard with the shopping. You fee much less out of place with a woman there. Also I would start off in department stores, rather than womens clothing stores as it's easier to make up an excuse if something unforeseen comes up. Same goes for make up. And yeah. You should buy your own make up too. What suits her might not suit you.

[Stephanie43]

Hey Shely,

Thanks for the reply. I only use her makeup bc she said I could. I would definitely like to have my own. I’ve never worn her clothes. She’s pretty petite, so me trying to wear her stuff would be like the hulk ripping through his clothes. Lol.

[Kelly DeWinter]

We talk constantly, Ask questions, however don't overload all conversations with Help me with my .... (fill in the blank)
I'd start off with an occasional " What color goes with .." or "How did you find your foundation ..)
Keep it brief and very occasional until the two of you become comfortable .

[Stephanie43]

Hey Kas,

Thanks for your reply as well. I like what you did by mentioning to your SO you wanted to look around while you guys were already in a shopping mode. Part of why I posted my questions is that it seems weird for me to ask her to go “shopping” with me. I’m not big on shopping anyway, at least not for guy clothes. Shopping for girl clothes is way more fun and surprisingly more difficult.

- - - Updated - - -

Kelly,

Thank you. I definitely don’t want to overload her. She’s like a wild animal. She spooks easy. Lol.

[Tracii G]

Remember you just came out to her and that alone is not a "green light" to go whole hog with buying stuff or forcing things on her too quickly.
You both need time to adjust

[giuseppina]

Hi Stephanie

You are right in not broaching the subject until next year. She has too much on her mind at the moment without the dressing issue.

I would not touch anything of hers. Your DSW is still processing the crossdressing.

Sharing makeup is not a good idea from a hygiene point of view. All of us have a set of bacteria on our skin with which we have developed a symbiotic relationship. Hers are different, and either may trigger a reaction in the other. I somehow doubt your wife would be impressed if she got a reaction from makeup she previously had no issue with. Eye makeup and particularly mascara are problematic in this regard.

I`ve seen good reports from MAC, Ulta, Sephora, and a few other stores where you can get a set of makeup that goes with your colouring. Getting your own may prevent some drama in this regard. I don`t know if it is a good idea at this stage or not, but telling your DSW that you`re getting your own makeup for hygienic reasons may tell her you`re respecting her things and her by extension.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
Some interesting question here, and some rules which at the moment I'm sure you'll live with.

I always promised my wife my dressing wouldn't cost a fortune , initially I was using bits and pieces she handed down . It took me a while but forced myself to use charity shops , now I'm perfectly OK with that , in fact I've made some lovely friends , it gives you the opportunity to buy top grade clothes at knock down prices, and they do have a return policy. I have to say now I go out socially it has focused my dressing needs, it has given some purpose to the items I buy , I enjoy putting the whole look together.

Just before my first outing I asked my wife if she would help in anyway , her answer was a resounding NO ! So I bit the bullet and went to get a colour check for make up , I became braver shopping and began to realise many of the restricting fears are in our heads. I soon started having fun with SAs.

I came out to my wife in my forties about twenty years ago , I've been going out socially for two years and wished it had happened sooner .

Doing it all for yourself is hard at first, now I prefer it, involving my wife would be too restrictive , I honestly don't believe she appreciates how open I am with people about my CDing , how I just walk into shops and openly look for clothes or shoes .

I hope you can come to this without major upheavals, you have to come to terms with these issues even if you don't fully understand them, best of luck with your shopping !!

[NicoleScott]

It seems clear that she's willing to tolerate your crossdressing, but she doesn't want to participate. Don't push it - appreciate what you have, which is doing it without her. Satisfy your desire to crossdress privately.
Get your own makeup. That's a must.
(And makeup remover).
I think you should find different sources of help than your wife. SA's, online makeup videos, fashion magazines, etc.
You may think my answers to your questions are strange, but ....
My wife is OK with my CDing, and after she bought me a top and a department store lipstick, I asked her not to buy me things, explaining that I appreciated her support but my tastes are different ...... and narrow. Things I buy and wear must pass the eye test - my eye test. She understood, no problem.

[Rayleen]

Stephanie, I also started small , shopping at second hand store, to see what would fit and look good on me,
Its less intimidating when you shop where its a family store and you can try them if it fits.

Its a slow process at first, once you get some clothe, you think about a wig, buy a cheep one first, something you think
will fit and look good.

When it comes to makeup, I got some lipstick and experiment with it. I learned a lot about makeup on you tube videos.

I sure spend a lot of time by myself in the mirror and asking advice from my partner.

I find every time I improve my looks, its a great feeling inside and it feels great to experiment you feminine side.

Have fun Stephanie

[Linda E. Woodworth]

To reinforce what's already been said, and applies to myself as well.

Respect her boundaries. Be very, very wary of exceeding them. You may think you're taking things at glacial speed while she thinks you're going at Warp Factor 7. Been there done that, got the scars.

Buy your own makeup. The health reasons are clear and besides, you won't feel bad about experimenting and using it up. Practice makes perfect, the more you do it the more you'll improve. YouTube has a plethora of video's on how to apply makeup for both GG's and CD's. Yes, there are differences.

I asked my wife for help with my makeup and got a brush off with she doesn't use it much and doesn't know anything about it.

For your wardrobe put GoodWill and Thrift stores at the top of your list. I've shopped in many of them in "guy" mode and nobody cared. You'll have a ball going through the racks looking for things and then trying them on. Best of all, you won't spend much money. Since you're not going out in public, who cares if something doesn't coordinate or a skirt is a little too short?

I have asked my wife for wardrobe help in the past and either was brushed off or had a tepid response at best. In the end, I had to do it myself and learned form the experience.

Lastly, I can't say enough, GO SLOW!

Good Luck and we're all here if you need us.

[Stephanie43]

Thanks everyone for the tips and advise. The few things I do have, I purchased from Goodwill. The geographical area I’m in is pretty upscale, so this particular Goodwill usually has very nice clothing (men’s and women’s). I’ll definitely be buying my own makeup. I don’t want to waste hers or cause her a skin issue (she takes very good care of her skin).

[Tamsin Secret]

Stephanie,

With regards to makeup matching I bought a few foundations from the £1 stores. I got about 5/6 and tried them all. I settled on one I thought was right for me colour wise after a few applications.

My point is for half the cost of a moderately priced foundation I had a chance to try before I buy and there were no awkward Sales Assistant moments to deal with either (I'm not quite ready for that yet).

The make up quality is questionable at best but now my next purchase of the more expensive stuff will be in a colour I'm happy with off the bat.

TBf I can't wait to go get it either :battingeyelashes:

[sarah_hillcrest]

[QUOTE=Stephanie43;4176167] Anyway, here’s my questions:

Have any of you asked your wives to help with shopping for clothes and accessories?
If so, how did you approach the subject?
How long after coming out did you wait to ask?

Have any of you asked your wife to help you buy makeup? Help with applying makeup?

[QUOTE]

After "coming out" to her I've adopted the strategy to be as natural as possible and avoid being pushy. I started by shopping with her and showing my interest in her clothing and accessories. My wife has no shopping pals and she really enjoyed having someone around, in all the years we'd been married I'd never acted interested in shopping with her. Every now and again I would mention that I really liked something, one of the first things was what I've learned are called bell sleeves. She explained to me how inconvenient they are and we had many discussions.

Make up was much easier for me. She has really gotten interested in makeup in the last few years and has a huge collection, and made it clear she didn't want me messing with her good stuff. She started giving me some of her excess makeup unprompted. When I very casually hinted around that I had no idea what I was doing she thought it was funny but at first had no interest in helping me. I occasionally watched her doing hers and eventually she just started showing me things here and there. Though she still doesn't want to see me all made up, and only likes to do tutorials on parts.

Overtime things have gotten kind of strange, like last night we went to Wal-Mart because she wanted to see if they had any of the tights left that they had on black Friday sales. They did but it was a rummage sale. While we were digging around a couple we knew walked up. They talked for a bit and then she found a set she was looking for. "What do you think of these," she said. "They look fine," I replied. "Do you think XL will fit you?" she asked while her friend was standing right there. "Umm, yeah."

So my advice is just let things happen if they are going to happen, pushing things is only going to drive you apart.

[Secret Sis]

I came out to my wife about 3 years ago after hiding this from her for over 15 years. She was ok with it but it took a good six months or so before she was willing to see me dressed at all. We started with some pretty lingerie and eventually in time she has seen me in just about every item in my wardrobe. She knows that I have no desire to leave the house dressed. As I've stated on here most of the clothes that I like wearing are pretty inappropriate for someone of my age and weight, so staying home while dressed is just fine with me. I modeled my newest tutu that I bought last week and she actually said the it looked pretty on me. I do think she wishes I wouldn't dress at all which is understandable but she knows it makes me happy so she's ok with it. We make little jokes about it from time to time and I think we both enjoy having our little "secret".

[NancySue]

I told my wife before we wed...honestly, expecting her to dash to the nearest door. She didn’t. She’s been totally supportive. Much good advice in threads, with consistent advice....go slow....be patient...keep communication open...keep a sense of humor. For example, she hates underwire bras, heels and pantyhose..my favorites. Her favorite tease, “I can’t wait to put on...what she can’t wait to take off”. True.lol I have all my own things, of which, many she’s purchased. Makeup? All my own. We have different skin tones. Yes, I sometimes ask and she helps with makeup...by now, I’ve practiced enough that she thinks I do about all I can. Sometimes, I put too much on, so I always ask for her advice.

[Beverley Sims]

I have never asked my wife to partake in any activities, I have let it happen naturally and casually.

Takes a few years and lots of patience, don't rush it. :-)

[Sandra]

GG and wife chiming in here :)

A month is such a short time and my guess would be that she is still processing everything. You need to give her some time and don't try and rush things. The last thing she needs to feel is being pushed into doing things she's either not quite ready for or doesn't want to do.

On another note we do have a private section here just for wives/partners where we support and help each other, it might help her if she joined the forum and then she will know she's not alone and that there is others in her position.

[aprilgirl]

Hi Stephanie, Congrats on coming out to your spouse, and your wise to take things slowly.

My wife (then gf) started shopping for me several months after I told her, hanging the purchases in our closet. Prior to, she had thrown out what I had, unbeknownst to me, but I had lost weight, and my wardrobe benefitted from a makeover. I was, and still am, all thumbs when it comes to accessorizing, and she took it upon herself to buy things for me, or loan me hers. Regarding makeup, she doesn't use much, and when we do glam up to go out, she'll ask me for advice.

Just remain patient, and hopefully things will progress with the benefit of open communication when the time is right. Kim

[Genni]

My wife has known of my CDing since before we married 40 years ago. Her tolerance has waxed and waned over time, but she has never been comfortable helping me shop. When she learns of my having gone shopping she will usually complain about what I spent despite my shopping thrift stores and clearance racks exclusively. I suspect her concern is not really the money.

As Sandra and others suggested, a month is not a lot of time for your wife to internalize this. My only suggestion is to include this topic as you focus on communication in your relationship overall. In my case, our failure to openly discuss my desire to crossdress formed the foundation of a barrier to communication that we are only recently making progress to break down.

[Sidney]

My wife absolutely HATES, HATES, HATES to shop so I am on my own. On a few occasions we have been out and she has helped me pick out bras and panties

[Tina_gm]

From personal experience I can tell you that the holiday season can be very touchy and emotional and typically more difficult to deal with especially when crossdressing has just come forward. It was not my intention to have the talk a couple of weeks before Christmas. it sort of just happened one night. I was intending to have that talk and figured it would happen after christmas, but somehow it all ended up coming out one night. One thing led to another and then it just happened. Drinking was not involved either, it wasn't some slobbing sobbing drunken confession. What did happen though was that giving gifts that year became a serious issue for her not that I had asked for anything, and in general it was about the worst time for me to have had that conversation, even though it was not intended at that exact time.

So any advise or suggestions I would take greatly into consideration about waiting till after christmas which you already seem to be doing, please definitely wait. And not just the day after either, probably sometime after the new year. It will also give her the additional time to process, and the Holiday time is and can be generally stressful for many and for your wife her mind has probably a lot going on about who and what and how to buy for, dinners or where to go what to bring and on and on into infinity.

As for how to approach that kind of subject, when a talk does happen about it, there can be a gradual way of leading into it. One good idea would be to ask her about her own wardrobe, and really making the conversation about her. It may take a few or perhaps several conversations about her wardrobe and sooner or later there will end up being some very small way in which it can lead into yours. I probably should capitalize the word subtle here. I think Beverly said it quite well, that it took years for that comfort level and that it happened naturally. It may not take your wife years, but it may, if often does.

[Charlotte7]

I was lucky. I told my then, newish GF very early and before we fully moved in together. She is accepting and has often bought me things, even from the earliest days. But, even after 30 and more years of her knowing there are still rules and boundaries, all unwritten, mostly unstated, but they are there. My experience shows that you have to take it slowly but you can push the envelope but only very, very gently. But the envelope is always there and it is not, nor should it be, defined by me. And doing it this way means that I can dress freely and my dressing will not drive us apart. I wish you both well.

[Veronica S]

I think my experience is probably a bit different, because I believe that my wife had me figured out before I told her. Women are good at that, don`t underestimate them.

We were out shopping one day about 15 years ago, and as we were looking at some skirts I said that I liked a particular one, and she said that it didn`t really suit her. I said, - not for you, for me. There was a bit of a pause, and a look, and she said - ok, why not. Went in the dressing room together tried on a few things, and took some items home. She was a bit at odds with it at first, but over time that passed, and we have frequently shopped together for a long time. Fortunately, because she has better taste than I do.

One thing though, I never try on or buy anything that is age inappropriate, such as skirts or tops only teens would wear. Also, even though she says it doesn`t matter, and I believe she`s sincere, I don`t buy the same item she has.

As far as feedback goes, I think you`re right to take it slow. They say that good things come to those that wait.

[Rogina B]

Remember you just came out to her and that alone is not a "green light" to go whole hog with buying stuff or forcing things on her too quickly.
You both need time to adjust

What Tracii said..You are about 30 seconds past your "reveal" ...And,please don't touch her makeup ! Screw up the courage to learn a little bit of makeup skills from a pro.

[deebra]

Stephine43,

For makeup type in You Tube: How To Apply Women's Makeup. An expert will teach you.
For help with clothes go to a dept. store and then the women's section and ask the sales person could they help you find a skirt and matching top(of course they will think it's for your wife, (Christmas). Once she leaves then shop your sizes.
Wear hose and panties and you will be more in tune with shopping women's clothes.

[phili]

I'll toss in a contrarian point here- if your wife doesn't mind you using her makeup- it may be best to keep doing it and building slowly with that. It is a space where she understands exactly what you are putting on, and can easily feel ok with it because she does it too. If you get your own she may spook because it means you are becoming independent of her embrace, and that is easy to lead to imagining then what?!!#%

I would spend time thanking her very sincerely for these micro experiences of sharing her world, and then stop and wait, and, then or later, leave silence to let her talk. It may come out in bits and pieces. And if she feels like she is 51% of the relationship control, then she will let you know what else you could try.

The sociobiology of male female pairing is that females need to feel the male is sticking with them, devoted to them, paying attention to them, and is going to be there tomorrow and forever. In this safe zone females can let their men play female if they want, since it is not threatening, but something they can do to met your needs and bolster their importance. It doesn't affect their social status if in the home and no one knows. Women have the long view- so they are thinking far ahead most of the time.

It is tough for us since we want to move fast and break things. I have come to regard marriage as like tempering steel- really uncomfortable processes but I'm better, more resilient and useful afterwards.

[leotard fan]

i have panic in buy clothes in shops. i have afraid the salesman or saleswoman notes that it´s for me the clothes i buy. so my girlfriend buys it for me. she already gives me some of her clothes.

[Glenda58]

Asking my wife about LOL. She doesn't wear make up I wear more than she does. She had some friends over one time and I was home. They started talking about make up with my wife and what she needed to do. They thought I was broad with the talk. After they left my wife asked if I knew what they were talking about and if I wanted to answer them. Yes I knew but decided to keep quite.

[char GG]

Many good comments about taking it slow. This is all new to her and her feelings will most likely change day by day. If you overwhelm her, she may think you have gone overboard. The first of the year is only two weeks away. Unless she is unusually accepting, that is too soon. When my SO began CDing, I went from acceptance to hating it to acceptance very quickly. It takes a while to get used to the idea. If you push, you may find "tears and fears" in your future.

I agree with everyone's comments about getting your own "stuff". Even though your wife apparently told you that it was ok to use her makeup, I would really recommend that you buy your own. Ulta brand makeup is much cheaper than the department store brands and I like it just as well. Makeup from local drug store is also a good option (Wet & Wild, Cover Girl, etc). You don't have to go out and buy the high priced brands like MAC. Don't even think about using her eye makeup! Good way to pass along infections, colds, and other nasty bugs.

[Jaylyn]

I would recommend to slow down and let it come to you little by little. Also don't be afraid to ask her for a little help. She asked you not to go out dressed, be sure you don't bring it up in a conversation. I showed mine my feminine side by attending chick movies with her and having input on things like love and just being a softer sided guy to her. At first she helped me buy things and even bought Jaylyn things for Christmas.
You have a good thing going so don't screw it all up by pushing too hard.

[Stephanie43]

I appreciate all the advise everyone has given me. I haven’t brought up anything CD’ing related to my wife all month. She hasn’t either. I’m definitely taking things slow. I posted in another thread that she pointed out to me that one of my Christmas presents from her is wrapped in girly paper, complete with pink ribbon and bow. Slow seems to be working, so I’ll maintain this speed. So far so good.