To come out or not to come out,I there's the point

[jennifer0918]

I'm a little nervous,today when I got home from work I noticed a piece of heavy furniture moved from in front of a storage closet in the attic where I have my femme stash. My oldest put up the Christmas tree so I don't know if she moved this piece to make room or she was going through the closet. No decorations are stored in this closet,so I started to wonder if she found my carry on,and 2 gym bags of cloths,wigs,shoes,and makeup ? My wife was off work today so she helped my daughter with the tree. When I got home about an hour ago no one said a thing neither looked at me funny no weird comments everything seemed normal. I'm freaking out a bit so I told my wife I'm going to the gym and I'm here writing this thread,I'm not ready to come out and I don't want to come out but under these circumstances I guess I may have a lot of explaining to do tomorrow or in a couple hours.
P.S.ladies I'm going to a lot of support to get through this one,please advise me I will keep you all posted . Crossing my fingers

[Christina E]

Its a tricky situation, my initial thought is wait and see if anyone else blinks, being outed would be tuff and as you say you dont want to come out yourself so holding off and waiting is best.
How likely were they to see/look into the bags when getting the tree out? If they were just going for the christmas decorations and knew where they were and your stash was hidden inside something in front, I’d be inclined to think you're safe, here's hoping there isn't more than one supprise stocking in your near future X


Maybe a new secure stash is needed.

[Kas]

I would just wait if I were you. Even if they did see, if it was THAT big of an issue I'm sure they would have said something the second you got home.

[Stephanie43]

To come out or not is 100% your decision Jennifer. I would venture to guess your secret is still safe. At the same time, I think you have to ask yourself if you want to risk being discovered or if you want to come clean and reveal. None of us really know how our wives will react, but I can tell you from a personal standpoint, I was relieved when I told my wife. She’s excepting, but still processing the idea as this was a recent coming out for me. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

Just roll with it for now. You have no indication they found your stash. If you want to 'out' yourself, please do not do it before Christmas. The last thing anyone needs before Christmas is a big confrontation.

[jennifer0918]

Thanks ladies,I see a cloths line full of femme and I want to paint black,black,on black is how I'm feeling now.
Correct me if I'm wrong woman will not keep this discovery quiet ? A husband with a secret closet of womans clothing. It's true what Kas says the second I walked in the house I would have gotten served? A new hiding spot I need to find one .

[sometimes_miss]

Thanks ladies,I see a cloths line full of femme and I want to paint black,black,on black is how I'm feeling now.
Correct me if I'm wrong woman will not keep this discovery quiet ? A husband with a secret closet of womans clothing. It's true what Kas says the second I walked in the house I would have gotten served? A new hiding spot I need to find one .

If you were looking for a reason to come out, and then using the possibility that someone might have found out but is not saying anything, then perhaps you need to reevaluate your own inclinations to out yourself.

Each woman is an individual. There's no way to know what anyone will do with a secret. As many here have found out, we simply cannot know beforehand whether a woman will accept a family member who crossdresses, or not.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
Been there and done this one !

Those assumption are killers in your mind, it was one aspect my first counsellor tried to stop me doing. Those what if's and buts , do they know or not ? what are they going to say or do and how am I going to deal with it ? One little voice is telling you to reveal all and the hell with it but the other is telling you all the things you are going to miss out on if it goes pear shaped !

A couple of questions , does you wife know anything about your CDing and how old is your child / or children ?

I'm glad all this is behind me know, OK I'm still in a DADT situation but my wife knows where all my things are and all my family know about my dressing needs. It's better they do know because it's mostly the reason we are separating and moving to different homes .

In the end you have to consider yourself first otherwise you just stop functioning , OK it depends how bad your needs are and if you're dealing with GD as well . I consider how different I feel dressed and how happy and comfortable I am , it does make you a better person when that part is allowed to come out . I know you will have follow up questions to answer , where do I go from here is it where it stops ?I still can't fully answer those questions so I'm not going to make any promises can't keep .

[Abbey11]

Hi Jennifer, it's the internal mind games that are draining, I wouldn't preempt anything, the chances are nothing was seen. Wishing you luck and hoping all goes well

[KymG]

Thats a tough one.
I know that if i was in yr shoes, it would kill me not knowing if they know or not.
How do you think she would react? Badly or would it be a blessing in disguise?
Best wishes on this one, either way.

[DIANEF]

I think it is probably unlikely things would have carried on perfectly as normal if you stash had been found. I do sympathise as all my femme stuff is stored in my attic. I wouldn't worry too much if nothing has been said.

[donnalee]

There were 2 people who might have seen something and neither of them showed any reaction? I think you're home free.

[Pat]

Jennifer -- Right now you're experiencing fear of discovery. It seems to have driven you from your home and made you feel pretty bad. If you were not discovered this time, do you really want there to be a next time? Your call, of course, but the conventional wisdom is that disclosure it 'way better than discovery.

[alwayshave]

Jennifer, If your wife did see something, she may be playing it cool because of your daughter. Unfortunately, you will not know until you know.

[Jesskm]

Not to scare anybody, but I feel like we all get caught sooner or later. What happens after that is a big question mark.

But it seems like you might have narrowly avoided disaster this time.

[Sami Brown]

I echo the sentiments of the others here. If the stash was found, something would have been said by now.

I wish you well,

Sami

[Shely]

I think Jesskm may be right. It seems we all get caught sooner or later, it's too much to hide for ever. My SO knows and we have a DADT situation, no one else knows and I am sure my SO want's to keep it that way. I have no idea how my youngest daughter (40s) would react especially with a beautiful teen age grand daughter. It seems to me if the stash was discovered something would surface as soon as you and your SO were alone. Good Luck, and try and find a way to bring it into the open after the seasons with your SO.

[jennifer0918]

Nothing was said this morning she was her normal self no issues what so ever. She stepped out of the house for half hour to run some errands and I got busy moving things to a different spot. I got ready for work and left so nothing has been said,I hope I avoided disaster.

[Sandra_Dodds]

Sounds like you can chalk this up as another near miss.

Every time I dress and pack away, I'm anxious not to leave any trace and to make sure my stash remains hidden. A few years ago I slipped up and left a gorgeous pair of peep-toe heels out. My SO (knowing full well the answer) asked in front of my eldest who owned them and she replied "Not me, but I love them!". It caused tension and tears with my SO for a few days but my daughter never said anything more. At times I wonder what she knows or thinks.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Jennifer,

I'm glad it seems this was just a close call for you.

When I was closeted the feelings that you could have been discovered or left something out that has been found were horrible. As is the feeling when you get the chance to dress but as no-one knows panic that they may walk through the door early or have come back as they forgot something.

Ultimately these things led me to telling my wife about my CD life recently.

Was I ready to 'come out'? I don't think emotionally many of us in the closet will be fully prepared for the possible outcomes of such a revelation.

My personal experience is still raw. I'm still married, we still talk and do the things we used to but there is a definite 'air of change' but that is possibly due to us both adjusting to the new reality.

In other ways I do wonder if I should have said anything at all but I always come back to the same conclusion that I have done the right thing. Not only for me but for my wife too.

When all is said and done I was hiding/denying (what I am coming to understand) a huge emotional part of myself from her. I just couldn't burden that secret anymore. After all what we do is not wrong in anyway but it does affect our being and if we are unable to explain our various moods/responses/thoughts/actions because we are keeping secrets, for me, is not a healthy way to continue for either of us.

Sorry to ramble on, your post struck a chord with me so that's :2c:

Miss S

[jennifer0918]

Christmas tree is all put away kids back in school,yes indeed it appears I dodged a close one. Still not ready to come out to my SO,still not ready to ask for her permission to dress or not to dress.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes you have probably had a close call.

Just keep quiet and act normal, no searching questions to anyone and you may be okay.

In future just be careful and watch what you do.

[Cassiek]

Kind of in the same situation as Jen but a bit worse. A couple of days ago I dressed while everyone was at school and work. I apparently left my bag of jewelry in dresser to be found by my wife. Naturally I tried to lie about it saying it was old stuff from a friend to be given to granddaughter. That backfired. My wife has been avoiding me since until leaving a note for me by my phone last night while I slept explaining that she saw pictures of me dressed on camara card also in the bag. I had to leave for work and could not have conversation with her face to face plus I think this is going to require more time needed during morning rush so I sent text apology and very brief explanation to her to begin conversation. I pray now that I have not ruined our marriage.

[Judy-Somthing]

Coming out was tuff for me, after finding this site two years ago.
I started to accept myself more so I told my wife I liked to dress now and then and had some hidden clothes.

It didn't go well, she said quite a few hurtful things now and then for about a year. I guess I deserved them since I kept such a big secret for over thirty years.
Well I haven't dressed in about a year now and it's starting to catch up with me!

Things seem pretty much back to normal now, accept when she sees a cross-dresser on TV she'll make some negative comments.
If I get caught dressing I'm sure all Hell will break loose.

Good Luck!

[Monique65]

I'm quite meticulous about tidying up after a dressing session. I keep my things in a very inaccessible "hidey hole" behind a hvac vent in the bedroom closet. If I borrow anything from my wife's panty drawer, I try to make sure I left it as I found it. Of course, this doesn't mean I might not slip up at some point and forget something. If this were to occur, I would be truthful and regard it as an opportunity to begin "the talk".

[Sarah Doepner]

I was visiting an out of town support group once upon a time, long ago and when I mentioned I didn't plan to come out to my wife I was greeted with pretty much universal amusement. They all seemed to agree that it wasn't "IF" she finds out, it would be "WHEN" she finds out. I scoffed at the suggestion that my skills in hiding and timing my dressing interests were not up to the task. It took about 4 more years, but she found out. Now I'm with the group saying how unlikely it is that anyone with a significant interest and draw to crossdressing will be able to hide it from a spouse for ever.

You may not be ready for it now, but it's good to think about it and consider how you will respond when that moment arrives. Being prepared mentally and emotionally may help guide the revelation to a much better resolution.

[Monique65]

Thank you for your insightful comments, Sarah. I have been considering my response if (OK when) the situation arises. In a way, it would be a relief, which ever way it goes. I am not proud of the fact that I am keeping such a major secret from her. It may turn out to be a case of "do you really want to know", but whatever the outcome, I'll be honest and forthright with her.

[jennifer0918]

Thank you ladies for all the support and all this good advice. I know from reading threads on this forum that it's "when"she finds out and I'm preparing to face it head on,face up,shoulders back,and chest out. I'm sorry ladies and I know a lot of you disagree with me and a lot of you think I'm wrong but I will remain closeted for as long as I can.

[jacques]

I have never "come out", except to my wife, so I cannot advise you. I am sure that my crossdressing has "escaped" on may occasions.
As well as dressing up in private I have kissed my wife in bed but I don't tell other people about that but assume they might guess.
No one has ever asked me if I crossdress or confronted me about it, I suspect my reply now might be to not deny it but ask why the other person thinks she/he has the right to judge what I do in private?
BUT you have to do what is right for you... do it and move on (no regrets)
luv J

[kkaye]

Christmas tree is all put away kids back in school,yes indeed it appears I dodged a close one. Still not ready to come out to my SO,still not ready to ask for her permission to dress or not to dress.

I had a similar experience with my girl friend when she found some videos of me. That was out of neccesity and , I don't do it around her, We share makeup and shoes, Oh yeah. I love it. We wear the same size. But as to others. I feel it is a need to know thing. Some people will just ignore it.

[Pat]

I'm sorry ladies and I know a lot of you disagree with me and a lot of you think I'm wrong but I will remain closeted for as long as I can.

It is first and foremost your life -- you're living it, you know the context around it, and you are completely in charge. If we only did what people agreed with, none of us would be here. ;) I think we all just want to think you're heading into a happy result and we each give our opinion on how that might be done. At the end, each of our lives may be a role model or a warning to others. Good luck!:thumbsup:

[CONSUELO]

Jennifer,

You need to calm down. I doubt that your "stash" has been found so just relax.

I have always been open about my transvestism. I still have had many issues but I don't think I could have hidden something that is such an integral part of who I am.
Keeping a big secret must be very stressful so I hope you have ways to relieve the stress.

[Meghan4now]

Nothing was said this morning she was her normal self no issues what so ever. She stepped out of the house for half hour to run some errands and I got busy moving things to a different spot. I got ready for work and left so nothing has been said,I hope I avoided disaster.

I wouldn't count on it. Actually I think more women would not say an thing to someone else because of the embarrassment factor. Also just because the hammer didn't drop may only mean she is biting her toung or burying her head. That can be dangerous because thing could build till they explode. But every woman and relationship is different. If nothing else, this situation should be a cause to seriously consider the eventuality of discovery. Right now, you control the situation, but later you may not.

[sissythings]

For sure, it's a sticky situation. I'm now not married but in my prior two marriages, both ex's were very aware of my crossdressing and even participated on a limited basis. I myself can't imagine not being completely authentic with the woman I loved. That being said, I realize that every situation is different and can be complicated.

I echo the thoughts of some of the others expressed in this thread in that you may want to consider being more proactive with your situation. If your wife does stumble upon your secret by accident, she could react in several ways... some that could spell dire consequences to your marriage. On the other hand, if you pick a very strategic time to reveal your CD activities in a more controlled, loving setting, she may not be quite so shocked. It's a big risk for sure but the upside is you wouldn't be spending the rest of the relationship in 'fear-of-her-finding-out' mode. Who knows, she might even embrace your crossdressing and begin buying you clothes.

Of course you know her far better than anyone but still... she might surprise you. In coming clean, you would have to weigh the risk of her reacting negatively and possibly leaving you against your penchant for dressing up. Listen to your heart and go where it leads you.

[marilyn m]

hi jennifer,
i came out to both my ex wifes, who accepted the way iam and enjoyed shopping and sharing girly thoughts and clothes,
but eventually it became too much for them, if i married a third time i would never tell them, instead i would get a lock up, i never realized how much of a big deal it is too them, until i watched the kardacians and bruce jenner telling his family, and the emotional reactions, of his family, although not on the same scale but can be quite a shock, first thing they ask are you gay, then they ask do you want a sex change, quite traumatic, and difficult,for them and you ,good luck

[jennifer0918]

Ladies thank you all for your advice.
@marilyn even "with permission "doesn't mean they are completely cool about this whole cd rendezvous being on online cd forum drinks at big shot kinda thing,she may tolerate for a while but at the end she will be questioning her own sexuality. My SO was all into the Jenner transition yet she made negative comments about Jenner she couldn't stop watching it. I was "banned "from watching Kardashians or iam Kaitlyn, go figure. But I'm not a kid so I did what I had to do and watched it anyways.

[~Joanne~]

Still not ready to come out to my SO,still not ready to ask for her permission to dress or not to dress.

I have always had a problem with this. Why, as a grown adult, would you ever ask another grown adult for permission? DADT has always been a sword to me, either they accept or they don't but it changes very little about who you are. I am wondering, does she ask for your permission to wear anything certain? My SO likes guy's shirts, she has never asked for my option about her wearing them, let alone my permission to wear them. In return she respects me the same way. I am still "Me" under this dress and hose, it hasn't changed and you hurt no one.

[Monique65]

Joanne, I am happy for your good fortune in having a SO who respects you for who you are. Unfortunately, not all of us share in your situation. I have been happily married to my wife for over forty years. We have been through many of life's trials and tribulations together. I have kept my femme side well hidden, and I am not willing to take the initiative in revealing my secret. If the situation were ever to arise that I would be found out, I would, like Jennifer, be honest and attempt to explain my reasons for dressing. It is my hope that she will recognize that I have a feminine aspect and come to accept me as the person I have always been.

- - - Updated - - -

Well, I might have received my first glimmer of how my wife may react to my underdressing today. I have been wearing a bra and panties under my sweats for several weeks. This means, of course, there have been very few of my tidy whiteys in the laundry. Since I have been doing the laundry most of the time, I didn't think much of it. I went to town today ands when I returned, she had done a load of clothes, and folded on top of my stack of clothes were four pair of panties. We didn't speak of it, and I put them in my drawer, with a feeling that we might be making progress.

[jennifer0918]

Joanne I agree with you 100% we are both adults and "with permission "don't need it.

[Becky Blue]

I would imagine that your OK Jennifer, I can't see how your wife would be acting totally normally around you if she had seen anything. That is unless she already knew due to an earlier find...

I have to disagree with posters who say eventually everyone gets caught, it really depends on the risks you take. The more one pushes and takes chances the greater the likelihood you get caught. For example storing your stash at home is far far riskier than storing it somewhere else.

[jennifer0918]

Thanks Becky your right I need to start looking for a storage unit to keep my secret.