Did I have to go insane to save my life?

[Jean 103]

I was thinking (not a good thing) that how I dress and act now is crazy, and I must be MAD. You know what? I’m happy. I have this new life that I give credit to for, saving my life.

Three years ago I separated from my wife. I life was over. I gave her everything as I wasn’t planning on being around long. I rented a room and lived one day at a time.

Something happened, I started making new friends. I met my best friend Ms. R, she was also at a low place in her live. We leaned on each other. This is why we are so close.

Thanksgiving, her boyfriend drove and we went to her sisters, a two hour drive. Her whole family was there they all know me. This is the first one since her mom past. You would not have known, everyone was in good spirits.

In the entryway on a table was a toy turkey decoration. Next to it where tail feathers, to write on what you were thankful for. I wrote “For the Love of My Friends”

After we were back at my best friends, she asked why I wrote that.

I have never told anyone this.

I told her that before we met I was planning on checking out. That it’s because of my friends that I’m still here.

I have this whole new insane life that I never knew was possible. I poured my heart and soul into this. I’m doing ok, thanks to the love of my friends.

[Shelly Preston]

Jean, I am so glad you you found those new friends and that you are still with us. :hugs:

Having such good friends is something we would all wish for.

[SaraLin]

sounds to me like you're finding your way toward SANITY, not the other way around. Keep going!

[Teresa]

Jean,
Many thanks for your honest story, I'm afraid I've been there and experienced all this.

It was twenty years ago when I first came out to my wife, the outcome was in a short time my whole being male /female felt rejected and unloved , it wasn't premeditated but in a split second I nearly drove myself over a junction into the path of a large dump truck. I don't often talk about voices in my head but in those split seconds of my foot going from the brake pedal to the accelerator something almost shouted in my head that I was selfish B* and how was that lorry driver going to get over injuring or killing me. There is only one way to go from there if you can walk away and that is dig yourself out of it, OK it's taken another twenty years, but my CDing insane or not has given me so much to live for . A new home , some great friends who all understand and support me and a life style I have thought about for years .

Thanks again for sharing with us, others who might have reached these depths should take heed and learn you are important and you can get through this . We aren't criminals it's just our wiring is different and we need to come to terms with it .

[Sara Jessica]

That is such a lovely story Jean, it made my morning. Thanks so much for sharing with all of us.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Jean,

Good to hear you are at one with you and are now in control of your destiny. It must certainly help to have those wonderful friends of which you speak.

On another note what was it that made you post today? Just one of those things or something else?

Perhaps I'm being nosey and if so I apologise just the inquisitive part of me I suppose :p

[Maria 60]

There's that saying that blood is thicker then water, but for some reasons when you need help or support its the water that saves you. I'm glad it all is working out for you and hopefully you forgot about those horrible thoughts and plan on making tomorrow a happier day.

[DMichele]

Jean,
Thanks for sharing your story. I too contemplated checking out, with the last recollection being about 10.5 years ago. Note - I am the type of person who hates to see harm done to others and the creatures on this good earth, so I probably would never self-harm.

I am now in a much, much better frame of mind and I enjoy life and the benefits of being trans.

[Jean 103]

Thankyou all.

There has been so much that has happened in the last few years. I was going to make another post about the last couple of days, when something inside told me it's time. I tried to stay on point. At times it's been rough. Somethings I thought would be hard turned out to be easy. That is to have people to accept me, and see me for who I am, not just how I'm dressed. I am on my third roommate situation. Each one I found myself living with people that love me. I have my reasons for moving, each time I felt it was time. Each time was very hard. I'm in a good place and feel this is were I belong for now. I rent a room a very accepting lady, and we have become friends.

[CONSUELO]

Jean,

I am so glad that you hung on to life and did not "check out". I have followed your posts for some years now and I always look forward to hearing from you. Yes, you have some good friends where you live and that is important but remember that there are many here who have read so much about you that they feel as if they are your friends too.
Your friend Consuelo

[docrobbysherry]

Good for u, Jean! I'm so glad you're still with us!:hugs:

After my divorce is when I began dressing. Our life, which was geared around our children and socializing with our kids friends parents, stopped abruptly for me. As we couldn't both attend events anymore.

But then, Sherry showed up! And, now I have a whole new life. Geared around my fantasy woman, Sherry, who lives in a fantasy world. And, a real full social life filled with T's and T friends who know and accept me as a CD!:D

[CynthiaD]

Jean, maybe you didn't go crazy. Maybe you went sane.

Actually, that's how I feel about myself. Pretending to be male all the time nearly drove me insane. When I began crossdressing every day, all that went away, and I became normal. And happy.

[AllieSF]

Thank you for such an honest post. Congratulations for making it through to the other side. Thank you for being you! Hugs and stuff.

[DaisyLawrence]

There's that saying that blood is thicker then water, but for some reasons when you need help or support its the water that saves you.

Indeed, family you have but friends you CHOOSE. One good friend is worth a million other people. Lovely story Jean, thanks for sharing.

Daisy

[Dana44]

Jean, thanks for he post. Indeed good friends can help. A whole new life is good also.

[Jean 103]

Consuelo, Yes you and others have touched my life, for this I will be forever grateful.

Sherry, I do know what it's like as I have been exiled from my family after 30 years of marriage.

I don't know if I pick them or they pick me. I do know for someone to look past how I'm dressed, and be willing to get to know me as a person , says a lot about them. So this is why i'm proud to call them a friend.

[Heather J]

Still thinking about "checking out"

[sometimes_miss]

Wow, I hear ya. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, my life fell apart. When she blackmailed me for everything we owned, it REALLY fell apart. All I did for a few years was work, eat, sleep, and visit the local gogo bar for some much needed couch time with one of the dancers. No, not the bump and grind, but simple sit and hold her close, and remember what it felt like to cuddle up to someone who was being nice to me. It took a few years to start dating again, and even longer to figure out that there simply was no known solution to finding a woman who would accept my crossdressing. When THAT realization sank in, back I was to the go go bars until I could accept that I might never have another LTR. But it gets easier to deal with over time, or, perhaps maybe that as more and more men die off, there are simply more women out there who aren't as fussy about which man they will go out with. Everybody gets lonely eventually, and at some point, I guess a few of those who once saw us as completely unacceptable will change their minds. At least, I hope so.
At one time, I had a couple of friends who knew that I crossdress; both very nice lesbians who were also in the closet. So they understood my predicament. One by one, they both moved away, and now the only ones who know are the folks online, here. But with my inherent distrust of men, I don't feel comfortable meeting anyone IRL.
Still, life goes on. Who knows, some day I might win either the lottery, or the crossdresser lottery. Life is okay. could be better, but it's okay.

[karrin]

Hi Jean, Thank you so much for sharing those personal experiences with us, I'm very glad it's working out for you :) be safe Karrin

[Jean 103]

Heather, No I'm passed that. I have this new Life now with people that love me.

Sometimes Miss, There are women out there that will see passed the cover to see the person inside. I know two of my friends that are this way. They wanted me to date them. They each assured me that my dressing would not be a problem. It was a couple years ago, it was just too close to my separation. There were a couple of other friends of mine that I would spend the night with and we would cuddle. One was a guy and two were woman.

I have chosen only to date guys. I currently have two long term casual boyfriends. I met one on line, the other picked me up at Walmart. At the bar I have a few admirers.
Relationships can be a little complicated sometimes. Last year I was living with one of my closeted boyfriends. New Year’s Eve after everyone had gone home, we are laying on the couch, and he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m not sure why but a couple months later I dumped him. I think I just freaked out. My head and hart are at odds, in the end my head won. He wants to stay friends, I have been resisting, I know that I will slip and we will be back together.

The two women that wanted to date, I should Say that they are each amazing, if I were a straight guy I would marry either one in a hart beat. I didn’t and still don’t feel it would be fair to them, as I’m still looking for answers.