No too nice...but funny..

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Background...my two teen daughters detest their mother...like to the point they went out and acquired themselves new mom figures..smart kids. Their big coping mechanism in dealing with the fallout from what was a very bad situation is to roast her every chance they get....and they are both hilarious. (long and dpressing story in there...nobody got time for that...)
I sent my youngest brilliant makeup artist/actress my makeup practice selfie last night, for a critique...she loved it!
She asked how I was a prettier girl than she...and I replied that I never could be prettier than she....but that I am prettier than her mom....

Broke her up laughing....she said that that was so ironically true that it is just hilarious.

[DaisyLawrence]

So, if you find their mom so unattractive, how come you ended up having kids with her?

[Krisi]

I'm assuming a divorce?

It's tempting for the parents to try to turn their children against the other parent but in the end, that's not good for anyone. Your children know that they are from their mother and if you put their mother down, they will feel like you are putting them down as well.

[DaisyLawrence]

Wise words from Krisi.

[Joni T]

Agreed, wise words from Kris. NEVER talk down about your ex in front of/with your kids. And NEVER play the "Tell your mother (fill in the blanks)" game. One day the kids will figure it all out. Trust me, I've been there.
Jon

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Ok. fair enough. I probably should not have posted this. However...I have not done anything to turn the kids against her...she did that all on her own.

[Pat]

I have to go with the flow and say it's better never to say something bad about your kids' mother, no mater how true it might be; no matter how justified you might feel. It's the clearest case for "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." ;)

[Jaylyn]

Yep good advice usually aging something bad about any body will come back around one day to bite you in the butt. Especially an ex or a relative.

[suzanne]

You owe it to your kids to do better than just not piling on where their mother is concerned. You need to be the grown up and try to put an end to the trash talk. "You shouldn't talk about your mom like that." or "Regardless of how you feel now, she's still your mother."

IMHO

[sometimes_miss]

Way too serious. Teen females almost always rebel against their mothers during those years. Playful banter when you're in a good relationship is usually harmless. No one would take his remark that he's prettier than his wife seriously. It was a poke, that's all, I'm sure meant only to be comical. Sort of like when I was married, and my wife commented about a woman who had a really big nose. I said, I could never date her, as I have a rule that I won't go out with any woman who's nose is bigger than my dick. To which she replied, "Well, that could be anyone!" Everybody got a terrific laugh out of it, and I didn't take any offense. Sometimes something humerous simply comes to mind and we just say it. Laugh and get over it. People are way too uptight these days, everyone takes offense about everything.

And if wifey was upset about it? Explain and apologize. Nobody's perfect.

[Pat]

I think we all understood the humorous intent. But we also offered some (admittedly boiler-plate) words from our hard-won experience because we wouldn't be friends if we let it pass without comment. ;)

[Rowan Ailbhe]

I am a hard nosed old Chief..and I understand calling people on their ****....and I probably needed it.

It also says good things about y'all...

[GaleWarning]

As a divorced person, I am of the opinion that each former partner owes it to their children to ensure that they continue to respect and value both their parents. My 2p.

[Krisi]

Wise words from Krisi.

Been there, done that. Twice. Have the T shirt!

[Helen_Highwater]

Rowan,

I'm going to offer a different reply. You haven't written as to what turned the two girls so heavily against the mom and in truth, that's not for this forum. I can see however that expressing their dislike of their mom is a coping mechanism when dealing with the breakup of the marriage. Looking to you to buy in to their response may be a way of ensuring they have a closer bond with you. You're their anchor in a broken relationship and they need to know that you're with them. They need that feeling of solidarity. To know you are there for them.

What you have may not be utterly PC but the last thing they want to hear is criticism of their actions and to feel like they in some way contributed to the situation that's been wholly the making of two adults. So if the relationship you have with them works, i.e. it ain't broke, don't try to fix it.

[Pat]

Helen -- I think what you're describing is a different scenario. In the OP the kid wasn't initiating the comment about the Mom, Rowan was. I think the general reaction was that was a non-optimal response. ;) If one of my kids has something snarky to say about their Mom, I can confirm, deny or ignore the remark and feel completely on the side of the angels. It's only if I initiate or extend the remark that I feel like I'm in the wrong.

[Jenny22]

Rowan, good advice to NOT put down your ex with your kids (3, I believe, 2 girls and a F2M child). Based on their personal knowledge of their Mom, they have their feelings towards her. But as their MOTHER, they should respect what she went through (9 months each) to give them the life they now have.

[Helen_Highwater]

Helen -- I think what you're describing is a different scenario. In the OP the kid wasn't initiating the comment about the Mom, Rowan was.

Pat what you say is absolutely right, but, and this is a big but, those kids need to feel secure. Displaying empathy with them, showing them you're not disparaging of their comments, "being down wid the kids" plays a hugely important part in stabilising how they feel about the breakup of the marriage. They are the important element in this situation. Their mom is now playing a secondary role.


Rowan, good advice to NOT put down your ex with your kids (3, I believe, 2 girls and a F2M child). Based on their personal knowledge of their Mom, they have their feelings towards her. But as their MOTHER, they should respect what she went through (9 months each) to give them the life they now have.

Respect is earned. It's not a given. Parents have a duty to live up to the expectations of the role. There is no time limit, 9 months or longer, for discharging your responsibilities as a parent. Fail to do to invalidates the guarantee. Rowan is the one there for the children. She deserves our support not any condemnation.

[Sami Brown]

I am going to go against the current here. I saw the humor as a good way to bind with her daughter. There probably is already enough stress in her life, and this was a way to laugh it off.

My wife and I had an amicable divorce because both of us wanted to minimize the impact on our children. I had parents who did not do that, and it was tough for my siblings and me. I didn't want that to happen to my children, so I never intentionally speak negatively about my ex to them.

Compared to what my parents said about each other, Rowan's joke was nothing in comparison.

Sami

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Compared to what my parents said about each other, Rowan's joke was nothing in comparison.

Sami
That joke was nothing compared to what the girls come up with....and yes...it is a coping mechanism for them. The both have the choice of whether or not to contact her...and they are adamant about...nope. I maintain that they will try to reconcile with her eventually...but that they need feel no pressure or urgency to do so. Since this started I have insisted they make their own descisions, but I require rational descisions of them. I am not joking that they expanded their family enormously...four step moms...two dads and a slew of aunts...they live with a friend of mine and are doing great. Their mother has truly earned this...she is awful.

[Pumped]

Ok. fair enough. I probably should not have posted this. However...I have not done anything to turn the kids against her...she did that all on her own.

Not knowing your situation I will assume you and your children know how to handle it. Plus I get the feeling your kids are older and smart enough to understand.

[Beverley Sims]

When you married your wife she was the best choice, now that you have mellowed you can see the mistakes you probably both made.

With the girls, be a good mum to them but do not heap criticism too greatly on their real mum.

It takes two to tango and it was probably enjoyable raising your children together.

I do not think it was a mistake posting your thoughts others may not agree but I would say you have learned something from the experience.

For everyone's sake I hope relationships do get a little better between you all.