Is CD an addiction that can be subdue or not ?

[Rayleen]

CD has nothing wrong, but can it be subdue if you need to stop.

[Vikky]

Not in my case. Maybe a week or two, more usually a day or two, but the 'need' some comes around again.
Vikky

[Jayne44C]

I don't consider myself an addict. I can and have stopped dressing for long periods, up to a year at times. Some unfortunately be that. Addiction is the inability to stop a behavior that has taken over your life in an unhealthy way. I believe a lot of people say we're all addicts and I would argue against that. I want to say more but am not sure if I can explain further without getting my blood pressure up. It's the stereotyping that others place on us, like the addict label I find upsetting.

[Maria 60]

It seems like it's in our blood, I quit smoking 10 plus years ago and still once in a while I still get the urge. In the past when I had to stop dressing for whatever reason it wasn't easy and when the urges came I would have those urges for weeks and they wouldn't subsid until I dressed.

[broadshoulderedbroad]

i think it's useful to make the distinction between compulsion/obsession and addiction.

compulsion: irresistible desire to behave a certain way, especially against one's conscious wishes.

obsession: an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.

addicted: physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance [or behavior], and unable to stop taking [or doing] it without incurring adverse effects.

those are just plain English definitions, btw, not necessarily the clinical definitions.

imo, if cd is getting in the way of you living your life, then it's an addiction or at least problematic, regardless of what you label it as. examples would be if it were getting in the way of your relationships, affecting your finances, keeping you from enjoying the things you used to enjoy doing. basically if you say to yourself "i wish i could stop but can't and it's ruining my life," then yes, it's probably an addiction. if you don't want to stop and it's not adversely affecting your life, it may still be a compulsion/obsession, but not an addiction.

compulsive behavior and obsessive thoughts can also be problematic though. i have found that when i have to hide anything, i tend to obsess more and feel more compelled to do it bc i am restricted. sometimes coming out to a confidante can be liberating in that way.

i am obsessive more than compulsive, but being aware of it and checking in with myself often helps keep me balanced. it's also nice to have an understanding wife that knows when to let me go off the deep end and when to rein me in.

[Jaylyn]

I would say it can be subdued for only a while I before I have to indulge. It can hit you when your not expecting it to so many things triggers it in me. When my wife had her last birthday I went to an department store just to buy her a gift card there. I was waiting in line at the checkout to get the card. I looked over and they had their cosmetics counter close by. I could see all the lipsticks the mirrors and the makeup girl looked super good. Her lips were perfect in a red color lipstick. I new I had to get dressed that afternoon and sure enough I did. Red lipstick and some ladies clothes just gets my dressing juices flowing.

[Sabrina.K]

I don't think it can fully.

I've gone through waves of it through most of my life. But it has never fully gone away. I think it's in your DNA.

[sometimes_miss]

I can stop it but I will get irritable and short tempered in a short time due to the stress of suppressing the desire to crossdress. I was able to stop for about ten years when everything else in my life was going very well; but as soon as relationship problems arose, so did the desire to crossdress; eventually it became all I could think about, and I had trouble sleeping and having sex as well.

It's not an addiction. It's not OCD. And it doesn't respond to any currently known treatment as a permanent 'cure'.

[Pat]

Not really something that can be decided by opinion poll. It depends a lot on why you crossdress and to what your definition of "subdue" is. I found I could stop completely (and have never had the slightest desire to go back to it) by recognizing it was the male clothing that was "crossdressing" to me. YMMV.

[Krisi]

I don't believe crossdressing can be labelled as an "addiction" any more than golf or fishing.

As for crossdressing being "subdued" (I assume you mean can someone quit crossdressing if they want to), you are asking the wrong people. This is a crossdressing forum and crossdressers come here with the idea of meeting and sharing ideas with other crossdressers. People who have quit crossdressing are unlikely to be on this forum.

I would say a person who wants to quit can quit. A person who does not really want to quit will make up excuses.

[Judy-Somthing]

I haven't dressed or put on any girl clothes on in eight months since my wife said it would be the end of our marriage if she caught me.
Also I use to have a safe three hour window to dress on Saturdays when the wife was at work but since my son has moved home that's gone.

I'm looking forward to the next chance to dress but I need at least four hours and a new dress that fits just right!

I guess if the Pink Fog hits me again like it did two years ago I'll go out of my way for the opportunity to dress!
One thing I find good about not dressing is that I have much more time to do other things I enjoy!
Last year I spent at least fifteen hours a week on cross-dressing, shopping, dressing, etc.

[NancySue]

Definitely not for me. I ask myself, “why would I want to deliberately make my life miserable?” I realize there are many different circumstances, but with my supportive wife, my own things, I have the freedom to dress. Yes, I am fortunate and appreciate her totally.

[IleneD]

It's no more an addiction than is eating or breathing?
Being You just is.

[Donna June]

I've tried to stop, or subdue it many times and many ways, just can't. I like Ilene's way of putting it, it's being you. For me , it's just being me.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

for me it is a compulsion that controls my life

[CarlaWestin]

Having lived a lifetime of it, I can only logically conclude that it's just a natural passion.
I feel for those that fill the emptiness with golf, fishing, drinking, staring at the wall, etc..
Just try on a dress and stop over thinking it.
Life's too short.

[Cheryl T]

First of all I don't consider it an addiction.
It's as much a part of who I am as being right handed, or my eye and hair color. This was not something that I chose to do, like start smoking or drinking and the like. It's an integral part of who I am.

[DIANEF]

Well I'm not addicted to breathing, but I couldn't really live without it. I don't think I could ever stop dressing, not that I would want to.

[Ressie]

For some it's an addiction. And any addiction can be beat if the desire and will are strong enough. I think I'm addicted to the endorphins or other hormones associated with CDing, and many CDs are in the same boat. I'm referring to fetish crossdressing and you'll have to decide whether or not it's a fetish for you. The sexual charge for Fetish dressers is kind of like crack cocaine IMO. Extremely addicting because it's physical!

Giving up CDing is probably easier for non-fetish dressers.

[lmildcd]

I think CD as an addiction is debatable. I haven't worn anything in a while due to financial reasons, need some new stuff, or don't have the right clothes for the season. I like wearing long sleeves in the winter.

I don't know if I'm addicted or not since I go months without wearing anything femme. I usually wear panties when I'm out of regular underwear.

[Tina_gm]

I don't have what many describe as the feelings of it building up over time if I haven't. I can feel very little desire to if it's been a month and a strong desire to even if I am dressing on a daily basis. I dress mostly as time permits me to. Occasionally though there are just times when I still won't have much of an urge to even if time does allow for it and I have been quite busy which is frequent for me, I tend to have a somewhat busy life, although I can if I try hard enough find at least a little bit of time most days. These days I would rather spend more time then less in a given time, by that I mean I would rather spend one full day as opposed to a little everyday, but sometimes its just the way it goes that it is a little bit daily. Even then though, there are times even when I have had a lot going on and haven't had any time and then get time, but then the urge isn't there. I can't likely offer you much advise other than one thing

Stay busy, stay focused on something if time is what you are dealing with and a lack thereof or for whatever reason there is for you to have it subdued. It doesn't make it go away, but subdues it as you are asking, at least for me.

[Beverley Sims]

I thought this was the question we are all seeking the answer to.

That is what this forum is here for isn't it? :-)

Rayleen,
When you get the answer let us all know.

[Taylor186]

Can you stop crossdressing "if you need to stop"? Certainly you can stop physically crossdressing if the need to stop is strong enough. But to stop the desire to crossdress or to stop thinking about crossdressing is not so easy. At least for the kind of crossdresser I am. I've gone long periods without physically crossdressing but I have never actually stopped thinking about it for any length of time. Nor, have I felt the need as thinking about it doesn't effect the rest of my life. For me today, the ability to underdress and stealth dress helps curb my desire to fully dress. Many other coping mechanisms are available. You just need to find the one(s) that is(are) right for you, if that is what you are looking for.

[Piora]

I once stopped for 6 years. But, I assure you, the desire....the need, in my case, never really goes away. After my separation, while under a lot of duress, I purged every single female item I owned. Afterward, I was financially hurting for most of those years, so I couldn't afford to buy anything. With some willpower, I concentrated on getting through those years, and with considerable effort, stopped thinking about dressing. Put it out of my mind. Well, as much as was possible. Years later, when I landed back on my feet again, I came back at it like an out-of-control locomotive. That was 9 years ago. These days, I only get to dress on weekends.

You can stop for days, weeks, months.....years. But it never really ever goes away.

[Pat]

We do have to be careful that "addiction" has a medical definition as well as a colloquial one. In medical terms, crossdressers do not have an addiction. Colloquially we talk about being "addicted" to things when we just mean it's a behavior we repeat voluntarily. For folks who are transgender it's an expression of identity and so not an addiction in either sense of the word. There are crossdressers who say the are not transgender so I assume they're the latter behavior -- voluntary repetition. Perhaps they can stop when they feel like it.

In terms of "subduing" the behavior -- you can do a lot by force of will. For example, folks who take a vow of silence "subdue" the very human need to communicate vocally. I suppose you could decide that you'll stop using your left hand if you wanted to. But subdual is by it's nature the suppression of something. It doesn't sound healthy to "subdue" a legitimate urge to do a harmless activity and I think there's a bookshelf full of psychological studies that say it is, in fact, harmful.

[Dana44]

Not in my world. Addiction is a thing, we are not addicted and it cannot be subdued. But perhaps you can, yet I see you in a dress. :battingeyelashes:

[Stephanie47]

I think one has to try to figure out, if at all possible, why someone engages in any behavior. What's the motivation? For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone engages in behavior that has known adverse consequences. It's been said if a person has uncontrollable urges to consume chocolates that personality can easily lead to alcoholism or drug addiction. It is a matter of substituting one thing for another. Only being an drug addict has more negative consequences that eating chocolate.

A counselor I see for reasons other than any identity issues is of the opinion each person has some degree of DNA of the opposite sex. It's just the pull is stronger in some more than others. I my situation I am very content being a male. I have enjoyed the role with some exception, i.e., combat infantryman in Nam. So why is it I feel the pull to appear as a woman? It's the old stress related thing. Relief. Escapism? Should I have become a drug addict instead to escape stress? Or an alcoholic?

I have found for myself that I can put wearing women's clothing on the back burner without any negative effects if there is sufficient motivation. For eighteen months my daily ability to be en femme was curtailed by my wife's medical issues; back surgery and recovery followed by breast cancer treatment. I suspect my DNA required role rose to the surface has helpmate and protector. I had no uncontrollable desire to be en femme. I was able to still come to this forum and participate. I did continue to purchase women's clothing. The other time I had absolutely no desire for anything related to sexual activity or wearing women's clothing was military service in a combat situation. Zero desires for anything other than to survive another day.

I suspect for many cross dressers the inability to be en femme feeds on itself which causes more stress and cranky behavior. I think it is best to give up trying to figure out the "why" you wear women's clothing because you'll never figure that out. But, see what wearing women's clothing does for you. It can be a soothing retreat from male reality or it can become an all consuming activity with all its negative consequences.

[Rachel05]

I don't think of myself as an addict and neither do I want to stop, I enjoy being me and crossdressing is part of who I am and stopping or subduing wouldn't be something I need to try

[Rowan Ailbhe]

All my life....I have been consciously trying to be a regular dude....trying to fit the male world...and over the last few years, I became sort of a slob....big beard, not taking care of myself, pretty much deliberately telling the world to eff off...I do not care what you think...
R removed the door to my closet so I could not hide anymore, and it has been like throwing a switch. Lloyd is all loud and in your face, go to hell aggressive attitude and damn the torpedos....Rowan is quiet, demure, shy and a little submissive...and worlds happier than Lloyd. In my case, and everyone is different, being a woman is part of me...an imporant part....denied far too long, and it made me miserable....Rowan is here...and she cannot be boxed up again. I truly think I would quickly have significant mental issues if Insisted...or was forced (good luck with that last bit)

It is looking very much like I am firmly on the transgender spectrum somewhere....we just have not figured out how far over the other side yet. I am going to start hunting for a gender therapist soon...if I can find one who is competent....preferably trans. and takes my insurance....

I think...if you are going to try and subdue this....get a therapist with direct experience....not one of the conversion therapy types...because it does not work, and it will most likely cause you problems. Find one who actually understands.

[Teresa]

Rayleen,

To me we are born with a female trait , there is nothing we can do about it , attempt to subdue it or suppress it will do no good long term, especially if you have GD .

OK some aspects of it can get out of control and lead to addictions, but that relates to none CDing activities , some have more self control than others , I don't smoke , I don't do drugs and I drink in moderation . I've seen the effects of heavy drinking and smoking can do and drugs you continually hear how they've totally destroyed people's lives .

I now accept CDing is a wonderful felling , to come to terms with the needs and understand why we do it , it's only the guilt and shame that pressurises us to trying to subdue it . What do people think , well it really doesn't matter because it's not going to stop how you feel inside.

[Rayleen]

Answering :

1- I may have use the wrong word for addiction, meaning addictive instead.

2- Sabrina, you may be right that its in our DNA, I agree

3-Beverly , yes I'm looking for the answer and will let you know but it seem some have the will power to stop or their female gender is weaker.

[Robin777]

I believe it is our DNA. I believe my DNA is more female than male.

About stopping. I can stop,but you wouldn't want to be around me after a couple of weeks of not dressing. I dress because it is what I need to do to be me. It is something I have to do. It completes me.

[Rowan Ailbhe]

R and I had a dinner date with another couple earlier....and as I was getting ready I found myself irritated to be putting on muggle clothes...I don't think I could stop...

[Michelle1955]

It starts with me wearing panties for the 1st time at 5 or 6 years old when a neighbor friend and I switched underwear. Then came the sears and j c penny catalogs to look at. Teenage years was sexual, but wanted to be a Girl deep down. Know at 62 years old still crossdressing, so does it go away no in my case. Which brings up crossdressing vs transgender, etc. deeper subjects.

[Joni T]

Yes it can be subdued. I've done it several times, sometimes for up to a couple of years. The secret is to not let it control your life. Make your life control it.

Jon

[Tracii G]

You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
If you want something bad enough anything is possible.

[Jessica86]

I do not think it is addiction as much as it is a part of you. It is just like your hair color. It never goes away. I have tried to supress it more times than I can remember. I remember being an every day poster on here years ago. I left, came back. I left again and came back. I have been dressing since I was five. I am thirty one. Jessica is just as much a part of me as anything else.

[Rayleen]

I love this forum and everyone can discuss every aspect of CD, each have their opinions and respect them all.

By discussion, we all understand more from each other experience. We have to live with whatever DNA we were born with.

Rayleen.

[DAVIDA]

I agree with those who have said that being a "cross dresser" is what I am. Cross dressing is what I do. If I never put another clothing item from the other gender on again, it would not change the fact that I am still a "cross dresser".
I would never choose to be this way IF it was a choice. I MIGHT choose not to dress, but probably not.:thinking:

[Sandy Storm]

Addictive I would say no, i have gone years without dressing mainly cause I thought it was wrong and was ashamed of who I was and was afraid for anyone to find out. But once I came to terms with myself I can still go long periods without dressing but than I will see a beautiful outfit and I go to day dreaming about How it will fell and than put it on..so for me I would say compulsive but definitely cannot get away from the clothes

[Stacy Darling]

My first thought was of washing spots off a snow leopard, such a beautiful creature!

My second thought was that I should ask my wife this question!

Stacy!

[Ginni]

Crossdressing is not an addiction, it is part of who I am. I can subdue it and control it, but still need it. When i'm dressed it feels normal.

[Pat]

Yes it can be subdued. I've done it several times, sometimes for up to a couple of years.

No disrespect meant, but that sounds a lot like the guy who says, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've quit five times now!" ;)

[CynthiaD]

As someone already pointed out, crossdressing isn't an addiction any more than breathing is an addiction. Yes, you can stop any time you want ( breathing, that is), but it certainly isn't a good idea. :)

Seriously though, I've tried quitting, and was successful for many years. But I constantly felt frustrated and unhappy, despite having every reason not to feel that way. I finally realized that when I gave up my feminine side that I had given up the things I liked best about myself. So now I'm sitting here in a dress, long blonde wig and breastforms, and I've never been happier. No, crossdressing isn't an addiction. For me at least, it's just the right thing to do.

[Joni T]

No disrespect meant, but that sounds a lot like the guy who says, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've quit five times now!" ;)

I said I subdued it, not quit. There is a difference. OP asked about subduing, not quitting.
Jon

[Ressie]

I stopped CDing when I was married. But then someone left a pair of panties on the bathroom floor. The temptation was too much and I had to put them on!

[IleneD]

If last night was any indication, there will probably NOT be much suppressing going on.
It's getting better (or worse?)....., no, BETTER.
285071

Went to the symphony last night.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sigh...
Again, no. It is not an addiction. Addictions are a particular group of pathologies. No one is drawn to something, as an addict is drawn to her "drug", without that first taste. Yes, there are similarities. Gender dysphoria might be compared to some aspects of the addict's experience, but the genesis of that drive is completely different.
No one is born addicted (the tragedy of those born of drug-using pregnant mothers being the notable exception). Most of us identifying as TG are "born this way". I was attracted to girly things from the time I was aware there was a difference. Hundreds of stories here are the same, not all, but too many by far to dismiss. There is a growing body of medical evidence (https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20032-transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan/) that there are identifiable neurophysiological differences in the brains of TG people. While far from conclusive, it certainly lines up with the experience of so many of us.

[Fiona123]

Not an addiction, not a compulsion either. For me it's about identity and authenticity.

[Charlotte7]

No, not an addiction here, I've never subdued it, I've never felt guilty about it. It's just me as I am.

[Marianne S]

"Can it be subdued?" Subdued, yes. Eliminated, never!

I prefer the word "suppressed" rather than "subdued." Not that there's much difference in meaning, but "subdue" carries the possibility (and the hope!) that the urge will remain "subdued" in the long term, while "suppress" reminds us that there is pressure involved: that some of the time at least, we will have to continue indefinitely exerting pressure to "keep a lid" on the urge--because the urge never stops exerting pressure of its own for us to give in to it!

How is CD like an "addiction"? I can't claim to be any kind of expert on addiction, but Maria's mention of smoking points to a likely difference. My wife and I both smoked on and off for much of our lives, but eventually gave it up for good. However, even after quitting for good, our "relationships" with the habit still differed. For myself, once I'd taken a few weeks to get over the physiological addiction to nicotine, the urge to smoke went away and in the thirteen years since then I've never had any real desire to smoke. My wife on the other hand was more like Maria. She did succeed in quitting, but still retained an "affection" for cigarettes, and even years later was saying that she'd still like to be able to smoke.

We did both have the "usual problem" with weight gain after quitting, and that's because for many people like ourselves who kick a habit there still remains an underlying urge of some kind. With smoking it's presumably for "oral pleasure" or stimulation, and when that's no longer being satisfied by smoking, we turn to food instead!

Regardless of these differences, the point I want to make is that many addictions, once we have overcome them, do stay more or less permanently "subdued." Or at worst, the urge to resume indulging the addiction does not grow with time. I do understand for instance that many alcoholics after getting sober can never afford to drink again for fear of a relapse, but I don't suppose staying sober gets any harder with time, unless they're subjected to exceptional stress. I don't know how this works for gambling addiction and the like, but I gather most ex-heroin addicts don't have to stay on methadone for life. So even that deadly habit can be gradually "subdued." As I said, I'm no expert on addictions, but it seems to me that having overcome an addiction of any other kind, continuing to resist it gets easier with time, or anyway no worse.

Crossdressing is not like that. While the need to crossdress may wax and wane for many natural reasons, the likelihood is that the longer it's suppressed, the more the urge builds up until either it's satisfied or--for some people anyway--they start to suffer growing stress and other psychological consequences. For some this can be serious. It depends of course on the motives for crossdressing, which are not always the same. But as others have said, that's because the urges "come from inside," not from some acquired dependency on a particular substance or habit.

Speaking for myself, in my teens I went through the same cycle of "purging" and eventually "giving in" and resuming crossdressing, at least twice and possibly more: an experience so well known to all or most of us here. I've also noticed how, if I've been obliged to suppress crossdressing at one or two periods of my life, the urge "breaks out" with a vengeance once the "lid is off" again.

Probably the worst example of that was in my mid-to-late twenties when for the first time I was living full time with a girlfriend. Prior to that I'd lived either on my own or with my parents. Although I had limited opportunities to crossdress (in secret, naturally) while living with my parents, I knew there would always be those opportunities for the foreseeable future. If my attempts to purge and give up crossdressing caused stress in the short term, when the pressure to resume grew greater it was easy enough to give in to it! But once I was living with a girlfriend, I was telling myself "This is it! It's now or never! Now that we're having regular sex I ought to be able to kick this crossdressing habit permanently!" Of course, as we all know, this never works! But the more determined I was to "kick" the habit, and the longer I tried, the more the pressure grew, until in the absence of a wardrobe of my own (which I'd purged for what I'd fondly believed to be the "last" time before we moved in together), I found myself sneaking every opportunity, at considerable risk, to slip into my girlfriend's skirts, blouses and dresses--and needless to say, her bras and panties!--when she wasn't around.

That wasn't the reason we split, because I found in time that we had significant incompatibilities. Not the kind to cause big fights, but the kind that would have caused problems further down the Great Highway of Life. But after we split, my feminine self (which I'm sure she would never have accepted) did breathe a huge sigh of relief, and I did "break out" into a mini-orgy of gratification for Marianne's needs, which had been sorely and unwisely neglected in the meantime.

I learned a lot about myself from that experience, painful as it was at times, and I never tried to suppress my feminine self again; only to keep her discreetly in the background when circumstances called for it. It is not an "addiction." It is part of who we are!

[Krisi]

Can a person stop crossdressing?

In the words of Stewie Griffin, "Whether you say you can or say you can't, you are right.

[Rayleen]

"Can it be subdued?" Subdued, yes. Eliminated, never!

I prefer the word "suppressed" rather than "subdued." Not that there's much difference in meaning, but "subdue" carries the possibility (and the hope!) that the urge will remain "subdued" in the long term, while "suppress" reminds us that there is pressure involved: that some of the time at least, we will have to continue indefinitely exerting pressure to "keep a lid" on the urge--because the urge never stops exerting pressure of its own for us to give in to it!

How is CD like an "addiction"? I can't claim to be any kind of expert on addiction, but Maria's mention of smoking points to a likely difference. My wife and I both smoked on and off for much of our lives, but eventually gave it up for good. However, even after quitting for good, our "relationships" with the habit still differed. For myself, once I'd taken a few weeks to get over the physiological addiction to nicotine, the urge to smoke went away and in the thirteen years since then I've never had any real desire to smoke. My wife on the other hand was more like Maria. She did succeed in quitting, but still retained an "affection" for cigarettes, and even years later was saying that she'd still like to be able to smoke.


We did both have the "usual problem" with weight gain after quitting, and that's because for many people like ourselves who kick a habit there still remains an underlying urge of some kind. With smoking it's presumably for "oral pleasure" or stimulation, and when that's no longer being satisfied by smoking, we turn to food instead!

Regardless of these differences, the point I want to make is that many addictions, once we have overcome them, do stay more or less permanently "subdued." Or at worst, the urge to resume indulging the addiction does not grow with time. I do understand for instance that many alcoholics after getting sober can never afford to drink again for fear of a relapse, but I don't suppose staying sober gets any harder with time, unless they're subjected to exceptional stress. I don't know how this works for gambling addiction and the like, but I gather most ex-heroin addicts don't have to stay on methadone for life. So even that deadly habit can be gradually "subdued." As I said, I'm no expert on addictions, but it seems to me that having overcome an addiction of any other kind, continuing to resist it gets easier with time, or anyway no worse.

Crossdressing is not like that. While the need to crossdress may wax and wane for many natural reasons, the likelihood is that the longer it's suppressed, the more the urge builds up until either it's satisfied or--for some people anyway--they start to suffer growing stress and other psychological consequences. For some this can be serious. It depends of course on the motives for crossdressing, which are not always the same. But as others have said, that's because the urges "come from inside," not from some acquired dependency on a particular substance or habit.

Speaking for myself, in my teens I went through the same cycle of "purging" and eventually "giving in" and resuming crossdressing, at least twice and possibly more: an experience so well known to all or most of us here. I've also noticed how, if I've been obliged to suppress crossdressing at one or two periods of my life, the urge "breaks out" with a vengeance once the "lid is off" again.

Probably the worst example of that was in my mid-to-late twenties when for the first time I was living full time with a girlfriend. Prior to that I'd lived either on my own or with my parents. Although I had limited opportunities to crossdress (in secret, naturally) while living with my parents, I knew there would always be those opportunities for the foreseeable future. If my attempts to purge and give up crossdressing caused stress in the short term, when the pressure to resume grew greater it was easy enough to give in to it! But once I was living with a girlfriend, I was telling myself "This is it! It's now or never! Now that we're having regular sex I ought to be able to kick this crossdressing habit permanently!" Of course, as we all know, this never works! But the more determined I was to "kick" the habit, and the longer I tried, the more the pressure grew, until in the absence of a wardrobe of my own (which I'd purged for what I'd fondly believed to be the "last" time before we moved in together), I found myself sneaking every opportunity, at considerable risk, to slip into my girlfriend's skirts, blouses and dresses--and needless to say, her bras and panties!--when she wasn't around.

That wasn't the reason we split, because I found in time that we had significant incompatibilities. Not the kind to cause big fights, but the kind that would have caused problems further down the Great Highway of Life. But after we split, my feminine self (which I'm sure she would never have accepted) did breathe a huge sigh of relief, and I did "break out" into a mini-orgy of gratification for Marianne's needs, which had been sorely and unwisely neglected in the meantime.

I learned a lot about myself from that experience, painful as it was at times, and I never tried to suppress my feminine self again; only to keep her discreetly in the background when circumstances called for it. It is not an "addiction." It is part of who we are!

Marianne, thank you for your post, I read every word you said and it make sens. "Supressed" is the best term.
In the example of smoking, I have quit 3 time and has been 5 decades since I smoked, but I still would like too but decided not to. I CD for about the same time but have not been able to supressed it. It always came back in a vengeance now that I live alone in my home. Where it will lead me , time will tell. I was reading about male and female chromosome and there are a whole population in the middle. I believe I'm in the middle 50/50 or some days more female. When I started, I was like the majority and did not know what was coming, but in the 60's it became clearer. We can all learn from each other and the support from each other.

[Taylor186]

Do you have a link to the article that suggests that there is a large population of people that are something different that XX or XY? I know that XXYs and XYYs are a very small percentage of the population (1 in 500 or less).

[Rayleen]

Do you have a link to the article that suggests that there is a large population of people that are something different that XX or XY? I know that XXYs and XYYs are a very small percentage of the population (1 in 500 or less).
Tailor 186
Link is Intersex Society of North America .

[phili]

I have to justify the times I dress at home since to my wife it is like seeing me walking around muttering crazy nonsense and it worries her.
I feel like it's an addiction because it let's loose such a dose of pleasure, and I just want more.
On the other hand, it lets loose that pleasure because I spent 60 years stifling my self and feeling marooned in a unsatisfying and dark mine. I'm ecstatic to be free.
I can't give it up because it is my life ring, not because I crave the pleasure. In practice the intense dose of pleasure that comes when in the denied state becomes simply feeling normal when I can dress everyday.
At a certain point, I ditch dresses for pants just to enjoy the freedoms of being a man.
I think the addictive/obsession /compulsive feelings only exist because we are starved. We truly need to feel whole.

[CONSUELO]

i don't believe it is an addiction and the psychological studies I have read do not refer to it as such.
Yes, you can suppress it but I have found that doing so makes one very depressed and I have read the opinions of several counsellors saying that suppression leads to mental issues. It is as if I am denying a part of me.
As many here have opined, the need to cross dress probably comes in part from just who you are. You are born with it although it may require a trigger in childhood to set it off. That trigger may be when you were dressed in female clothing as a young child. What is interesting is that many young boys have been dressed by mothers or sisters when they were young but not all have a continued interest in dressing as adults. That is why many of us believe that there must be something innate.

[Taylor186]

Yes I know about intersex. But my reading of ISNA is that it is a very rare. As they state doctors claim 1 in 1500-2000 people have the condition and maybe 1 in 1000-1500 is you throw in the kitchen sink full grey areas. Not a "whole population in the middle" by my way of thinking.

I have a friend that is intersex: XXY. This person crossdressed from youth, married, fathered children and then felt the need to transition. When one or two others in the CD support group we attended (that is how we met) found about her XXY then they wanted to be that too. It would solve their dressing confusion and marital problems with a simple understandable rational for why we do what we do. The person went on and on with the XXY narrative until the wife said, "go get tested." The person did and found normal XY not XXY: no intersex traits. Their internal and external story had to change a lot after that.

You may be the 1 in a 1000, who knows. For me, I would get tested to be sure before I went down that route.

[Krisi]

I agree. If you are confused, get tested. Remember, not everything you see or read on the Internet is actually true. And remember, sometimes what you see or read is actually a promotion for a point of view.

[moniquemn]

for me it is a passion. love the feeling of pretty things.
for me I could never subdue the pink fog

[IleneD]

Loved your story, Marianne.
So much resonates.

[EmmyAnnRose]

I would not call my dressing an addiction. I believe a better term for me is obsession. Had to go for my yearly work physical and didn't underdress, and I feel very disappointed about it. I really miss my soft boyshorts today, but I was too nervous to wear them to the occupational med center.

[sometimes_miss]

I think one has to try to figure out, if at all possible, why someone engages in any behavior. What's the motivation?
then

I think it is best to give up trying to figure out the "why" you wear women's clothing because you'll never figure that out.
It's this assumption of never being able to figure it out, which is most likely the fear of finding out what we don't want to know. We've been brought up to believe that being feminine in any way is the most awful thing possible, so if we found out why, and the reason is that we ARE feminine, perhaps it would bring many of us spiraling down into depression or worse. This is the best explanation that I can find for all of those who give up trying to figure it out. Plus, for many, it may be something buried so deep in their psyche, that they cannot figure it out without a whole lot of analysis either on their own, or with help. It took me decades on my own, and I'm sure many aren't willing to put in that much work, so it's easier for them to just ignore the reasons.


For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone engages in behavior that has known adverse consequences.
Oh, that's simple. Because the alternative is worse.
In our case, keeping the crossdressing urge bottled up too long might result in violent outbursts, suicidal or homicidal behavior, etc..

It's been said if a person has uncontrollable urges to consume chocolates that personality can easily lead to alcoholism or drug addiction. It is a matter of substituting one thing for another. Only being an drug addict has more negative consequences that eating chocolate.
Not necessarily, but drugs have the potential to kill you faster than chocolate. But both can do the job.

A counselor I see for reasons other than any identity issues is of the opinion each person has some degree of DNA of the opposite sex.
Oh, man, I wish they'd have these social science majors take a few more hard science courses. But it does help explain why we're still misunderstood, even by therapists.

It's just the pull is stronger in some more than others. I my situation I am very content being a male. I have enjoyed the role with some exception, i.e., combat infantryman in Nam. So why is it I feel the pull to appear as a woman? It's the old stress related thing. Relief. Escapism? Should I have become a drug addict instead to escape stress? Or an alcoholic?
Well, then why do you suppose all the other servicemen don't use crossdressing as a stress relief mechanism?

Because they aren't stressed out by NOT crossdressing. You can only get relief by addressing what it is that is stressing you out in the first place. Putting a normal male into a woman's outfit when he's stressed out will only exacerbate his situation.


But, see what wearing women's clothing does for you. It can be a soothing retreat from male reality or it can become an all consuming activity with all its negative consequences.
It certainly won't make a non crossdressing male feel 'soothed' to dress him up as a girl.



I have found for myself that I can put wearing women's clothing on the back burner without any negative effects if there is sufficient motivation.
Then the question becomes how long can you to it without the desire to poke it's head into your life again. I went for ten years. Others, even longer. Then the question becomes, what was the trigger that brought it all back to us. Sure, we could have continued to NOT crossdress, but with other stress related behavior coming to the surface instead.


I suspect for many cross dressers the inability to be en femme feeds on itself which causes more stress and cranky behavior.
What we see most, is the stress of feeling guilty about it, which further stresses us out, decreasing our ability to suppress the desire to crossdress, and then the cycle repeats.

[Fiona123]

For me cross-dressing/being transgender is not an addiction, it's not a compulsion and it certainly not anything to be ashamed of. For me it's an identity, when I'm dressed I'm striving to be the authentic me.

[MissPaula]

I'll admit to being all of the above! lol, but I'm ok with it. If I didn't dress, I'd be very depressed!!!

[Carolyn]

So many interesting responses. What I have learned over the years is that it is something different for many.

I give my reply based on the following.

My wife's ex became a woman and she went through the whole process, until they broke up. He basically used her to get there. Fine, so be it.
She has had TG and CD friends but I have never had either. I have wanted to and my response is based on that want.
I am straight, no bi tendencies what so ever which seems to be an anomaly and I'll explain why.

My wife has known about my cross dressing from the time we met. I openly wanted to allow us to talk about anything and shared all my secrets so that our relationship would not start with secrets. I also learned hers and doing this allowed us to build our relationship not only on trust and honestly but on understanding each others differences. I could not fathom the idea of keeping my CD interests secret in a long term relationship.

While it is not my wife's favorite thing to do, she has always been very fun about it. She makes our play evenings enjoyable, sexy and much more.
She has her own little things that she is into and I work hard on making those as fun as they can be for her. She surprises me by bringing home tops, skirts, all kinds of fun things and I in turn look for opportunities for her to get to enjoy what she likes too.

We typically play 2 to 4 times a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. In all these years, I wish I would have known someone like myself, who understands, appreciates and who also would enjoy having someone to not only communicate with but perhaps to even dress together. Something I have never done with another guy.

I have advertised for years and nothing ever works out. first, I am straight and 99% of the replies are from guys who want sex with other guys. As I said, I have no issues with bi/gay, it's just not my thing however. I am not at all curious or interested in being intimate with another man.

Most times, when the guys finally focus and understand that my ad said very clearly that I am straight, they get angry and most ultimately flag my ad.
Yes, people respond knowing full well that my ad said straight and then get angry when they realize I'm really, for sure, not interested.

I have also communicated with a lot of CDs and I walk away with one thing that I constantly see. Most are looking for acceptance, some kind of support, 'let me be who I want to be', 'don't judge me', etc etc. I am not here to be someones support center, I simply want to enjoy this for what it is.

For me, I have no need to pass or be accepted etc. I am not confused about my kink, I take it for what it is. It is something that I somehow became interested in and it has become part of my life. While I do not obsess about it, I have tried to purge thinking I could put it away if I wanted to but found that I was unable to. I wanted to understand if it was something I absolutely needed and mainly ended up having to buy new wardrobes each time I thought I could live without dressing up. Great way to put together all new outfits :).

If I knew another CD, I would not want our friendship to be only about CDing. I would not want to constantly talk about dressing up or shopping or girlie things. I would want us to have a healthy guy relationship based on having lots of things in common including this amazingly fun side of our lives.

I would want to incorporate it into some of the guy things that we do into an all around friendship. I absolutely would enjoy shopping and talking about our naughty side and would love to get to dress with another guy some day but again, would want this to be a friendship based on other things as well.

Dressing up for me is something that I love doing, something I enjoy, even get totally excited about planning my next time but I don't find it confusing, I don't find it weird and always remind myself that there are plenty of people out there who really do have very weird kinks, even dangerous to themselves and others. I am happy that mine isn't those things and that my main goal is not getting caught by friends or family. I have no need what so ever for the world to know my secret.

Finally, on that last note, this is a secret, this is private and this is not something I would want to go mainstream because it would take the naughty out of it, making it 'normal' and I do not want that.

Carolyn