Tongue tied over names... overthinking most likely.

[Littleg2]

Hello All,

I know for each relationship it’s always better to get it from the source, your SO, or in this case mine, but, I wanted to get a few more opinions before I blurt out a *silly* question to my lovely cd’er…

I have found recently that in certain situations I pause when I’m about to use his/her name (male or female). I know perhaps some might think it’s as easy as saying “When he presents as a male use his male name and when she presents as a female use her female name.”, but it doesn’t always seem that black and white.

My SO identifies as Transgender/Gender Fluid. I accept this and can tell there’s an internal struggles as whether he is more male at times, or feeling and behaving more female at times, clothing aside. We do have loving nicknames for one another, but when I am about to say “I love you …”, or if it’s in a moment of passion, that nickname seems to fall short of containing the emotion I want to portray and I want to use a name, and so I pause or get tongue tied. (I really hope I am making sense so far)

There are studies that say (most) humans desire to hear their own name (hoping that you like your name and hearing pass from your loved ones lips is a good thing). Most enjoy hearing their name and it can make you feel good, simply put. But the tricky part for me is that I have never been with someone with two names.

My questions are; What is your preference? If you are out to your SO, would you prefer them, specifically, to use your female name (situation acceptable) only when you present as a female, or whenever possible? (I’m trying to say not out of the house if you’re not out, or in front of others, situations like that)

Thank you for reading, I look forward to reading your feedback.

-g

[Micki_Finn]

Well, my spouse has always called me “Boss” (yeah I know, unusual pet name, there’s a story, won’t go into it) so “mode” has never been an issue. Pet names aren’t for everyone but a nice gender neutral one would solve your dilemma.

[Fiona123]

I identify as transgender. In a perfect world I would have people refer to me as Fiona or Fi and use female pronouns. I am out to my spouse but she is not at all accepting. The only other person I am out with is my therapist.

[carhill2mn]

My preference is to use the name relative to how I am presenting. My feminine and male names sound alike but my male persona usually is referred to using initials.

[Pat]

I'd say if you feel like using the name that goes with their presentation seems wrong, use the name of the person you're responding to. If you have the sense that even though they're presenting male, their female persona is there with you, use that name. And vice versa. I mean, it may cause some epic fails, but when it works, it will probably work really well. ;)

[2B Natasha]

For me and my SO. Either name is fine. Funny enough she will introduce me to others as Natasha when meet up with people or talks about me in woman mode with her friends. When we are out and it’s just the two of us. She will use my male name. What I realized early on is that. When out and about one really doesn’t use a name to talk to each other. So why does she use my male name when we talk or she is trying to get my attention when out you say but uses the female
Male when talking about me. Well. We have discussed this and whether I am en femme or drab my mannerisms are really not that much different. So when I’m en femme the visual clues are the same as when drab. As an example. I tend to curl my legs under me on the sofa watching TV in either mode. I hold my coffee cup with my ponky extended in either mode. Since I told her within the first 10 minutes of meeting I had nothing to hide. Nothing to change.

Cheers

[Gillian Gigs]

Have you ever thought of giving yourselves gender neutral nicknames. Both my wife and I have gender neutral names and it is perfectly fine to be called by my actual name any way that I am dressed. By the way my name is not the moniker that I use on this site, but how it is spelled makes it a gender neutral name also.

[Beverley Sims]

I answer to a variety of nicknames most neutral gender but most call me Bev, which covers me completely.

As long as I am not called "late for dinner" I really don't mind.

[Kayliedaskope]

Honey, dear, sweetie, sugar, sexy, darling, hon, sugarbabycookiehoney ..... so where exactly is the problem? :)

[Littleg2]

Thank you all for the responses.

I know, to a certain degree, I am overthinking this. I tend to be over-analytical at the worst, and best, of times. There is no "problem", per say, but this is just not something I have dealt with in a relationship and I was curious what you all thought.

I am a big 'name' person. From management and interpersonal skills training, etc. that I have had, you quickly learn that saying someone's name is important. It holds power. It may sound lame, but there are a number of articles on it on the net if you care to look it up. Saying someone's name helps you remember it, it makes the person you are speaking to feel important; The tone you use to say their name affects how they hear and respond and how they associate with you... It's pretty interesting. This is why I ask.

I am sure when someone goes out if their way to use your female name it can make you feel special, accepted, even loved. But if you also have a male name (unless lucky enough to have a gender neutral name that can be used in either mode), then you may prefer to hear one over the other, or not really like your male name at all, or vice versa, depending. I met my SO as a man, used his male name when speaking to him initially, used it when I first told him I loved him (not knowing at the time about his femme side)... it holds something special. When I say it I want it to be special, but also when I use her female name I want it to be special. Nicknames are cute, but unless they are organic and holds meaning, it's not quite the same. I over think -lol But it's okay. :)

-g

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife only goes out in public with me when I am cross dressed on rare occasions. But, when she is out with me in public and I am dressed femme she uses female pronouns and calls me Phoebe. When we are alone she uses male pronouns and calls me by my given male name regardless of how I may be dressed. I know who and what I am, so I am perfectly OK with how my wife uses my name(s).

[Helen_Highwater]

Honey, dear, sweetie, sugar, sexy, darling, hon, sugarbabycookiehoney ..... so where exactly is the problem? :)

My thoughts entirely. Find a gender neutral term that can apply regardless of presentation.

[Teresa]

Littleg,
The easy solution is persuade your husband (?) to use a female derivative of his male name if it's possible , my femme name is directly taken from my male one , in a shortened version it becomes even simpler change the Y for an I, Terry becomes Terri . It's going to be far easier for me when I dress possibly full time in fact I may use the shortened version more. changing my name for postal reasons will also be easier.

[Ineke Vashon]

I smile when I'm called 'honey'

Ineke aka honey

[Diane Smith]

As long as it's connected to a sweet and sincere expression of affection, I'll respond to any name the lady wants to use!

- Diane

[Littleg2]

Thank you for your responses, suggestions and for those that shared their preferences. :)

[Jaylyn]

When my wife found out about my dressing ( I had told her in a heart to heart talk many years ago ) she used to ask me what Jaylyn thought about dresses she bought or was about to buy, if we were in the lumber yard she would ask what Jay thought about the color of paint. I'm thinking one should just be called the name they are representing as. Just what I would prefer.

[Nikki A.]

As far as I'm concerned, if my wife was accepting I wouldn't care what she called me. That said, if dressed I'd prefer she used my female name. I do use Nikki as my female name now, but if we were to use nicknames I'd use the fem version of my male name. Funny thing was that my mom would sometimes use Vikki instead of my male name (unless she was mad at me) when I was young.

[SometimesJen]

It's interesting that you posted this question when you did. I had been having the exact same discussion with my SO only 2 hrs before. I even had to wonder if she had joined here. Thank you for coming here to share your thoughts and questions. :)

I'm a gender-fluid CD but, even in male mode, I like to wear skirts and dresses around the house for comfort. Sometimes I also find low heels more comfortable than my flat-footed men's shoes. This makes it even more difficult for my SO to know what to call me. Because my gender identity is so blended I answer to either my male or female name with her, but she uses my male name more often. If we're being affectionate we often use our (gender neutral) pet names.

Which name would I prefer? At home, if I'm blended and not presenting 100% one way or the other, I'd answer to either one if we're alone. If we have guests, it depends on how much they know about my cd'ing. For example, my parents don't know so I'd only present male and answer to my male name; I wouldn't answer to my female name. If we have friends over who know about my cd'ing and I'm presenting mixed either name would work. If I'm presenting fully female... clothes, mannerisms, voice (as best I'm able)... I'd prefer my female name. I haven't been out fully dressed yet but, if I do and if she's with me, I'd prefer my female name.

If you don't mind sharing, how do you and your SO handle names? Have you discussed it yet?

[Littleg2]

SometimesJen,

Thank you for your response. Since I posted this question here I have talked to my SO about it. I seem to tend to do that, as though posting things here and not getting a negative reaction gives me the courage to bringing up these matters and what’s on my mind in person. I always end up telling him about my posts within a day or two, anyways, but it does help me. I don’t always do this, mind you, we do have a great relationship and s/he has always been open to talking about whatever is on my mind and when I do have questions. I guess I like to run things by others first when it’s not something I know how to broach, and I always appreciate the feedback. (So once again, thank you all!)

He told me he is completely comfortable with me using either name, as the situation dictates, but he told me actually prefers me to use her femme name when being intimate and I am… taking charge, we’ll say – lol

We don’t have a lot of mutual friends that know about *her* (the crossdressing, TG/Gender Fluidity, etc.), so being in front of others I always use his masc name. His best friend knows, but he is not comfortable with it at all, so I would never add to the discomfort by addressing my SO in a feminine manner. in front of this particular friend. Perhaps that may be different in the future, but for now that’s how it is. If presenting completely I would use her femme name and proper pronouns, which just makes sense. And if we’re hanging around at home and he happens to be in a dress or female clothing, not completely transformed, I am free to use whatever name/nickname that feels comfortable.

But of course, during our conversation, the ol’ “Just don’t call me late for *breakfast” (*our take) comment came up. :)

Thanks again!
-g

[sometimes_miss]

Well, I don't have a mate, so this is just hypothetical. But I'm always just 'me', and don't try to switch my voice, mannerisms or personality when I'm dressed, so I'd be quite happy with whatever she would like to call me.

[~Joanne~]

My SO calls me "hon" no matter how I am dressed. She will use "Joanne" when she is talking in the third person lol example: when we are out shopping she will say "do you think Joanne would like this?" I guess it's to protect me and the secret but I don't mind. The whole name thing is good either way with me.