Importance of being out to someone...

[discreet_mga]

My feminine side has developed a wealth of close friends, many of which are in very discreet lifestyles (kink). The husband of a couple I really like passed away suddenly last week. It is one of those times you wish to express condolences, etc., but are unable to do so due to discretion. It made me start really thinking, I am the only person who knows both sides of who I am, what if something happened to me while I was out and about exploring my feminine side? Everyone who knows my feminine side, of course, knows I have a different life, but they do not *know* me (identity). There was nobody on my other side who knew I had a feminine side. It pushed me into actually coming out to my mother the other night. It took many drinks, and a long time to tell her---it was a lot for her to absorb. Ultimately she commented on how I had more clothes than her, my feminine side had much better clothing coordination/style than my other side, how sorry she was that I had suffered this alone for so long, and she could not believe I didn't just tell her sooner. Everything is still unknown to father/siblings/spouse/kids/work/etc.---would not be the same level of acceptance. However, now that i have an ally, it will be easier to get out and about--keep clothes---have things delivered---do laundry---etc. (parents are divorced so mom lives alone). In fact, mom is joining me overnight in Atlanta this Friday to attend a social gathering with a local group of ladies. Really nervous/stoked!!

[Natasha V]

Wow, Awesome I hope you and your mom have a wonderful time, She has so much catching up to do with her new Daughter. Take Care and Happy Holidays

[Beverley Sims]

Being out to others gives you a lot more freedom.

More than you can imagine sometimes.

[Charlotte7]

I have a couple of friends who know about both sides of me, as well as my SO and my mother (it's not really something that my mother and I ever discuss though). Yes it is liberating and yes, I do think that it's useful. I can talk to the friends in a more detached way than I can to my SO. You do though (and in my case I do), really have to trust the others who know. Because, once someone other than yourself knows, then you are no longer in total control.

[alwayshave]

My mother knows, but she knew I dressed as a child.

[Jaylyn]

My mom has long since passed on but I'm thinking she was those that started me on this life of dressing. She used to let me play in her things as a very young boy. I really don't think she meant any thing by it but I'm thinking that she thought it was cute and if it kept me quite then let the little monster play dress up. She's also the one who painted my toes and fingernails once. ( red of course) She even let me dabble in her old red lipsticks.
Today only my wife knows that Jaylyn exsists and it's not as exciting to her now as it was several years ago.

[tifftg]

So happy to hear that this conversation went so well with your mom. Good luck with the journey and being able to add more people who know the complete you.

[Pat]

Congratulations. :) Yes, being out to someone is very important. And being out to close family is a bedrock kind of "outness." If nothing else, it validates that you actually exist. So happy for you.

[Isabella Ross]

Likewise, happy for you. Many years ago, reasoning that true-self acceptance only happens when you're completely honest about who you are when you reveal yourself to the important people in your life, I told my parents, siblings, some other family members (my wife had known for a while). Since then, I've revealed to a few good friends. All have been with fantastic results and true acceptance. It's very liberating not having to skulk around anymore, at least with the people you love.

[phili]

Being out is the resolution of our fundamental desire- to be feminine in relationship to other real people. We make do with imaginary people, or with ourselves being the 'other'- which results in the twin personality mode so many of us have, and also IMO the idea of autogynephilia- love of ourselves as women.

I've come to the point where I understand who I am, and that it is perfectly justifiable to be a crossdresser in any way any of us do it. It is an expression of our deep emotional need, and it is a real and justifiable need. I understand that the logistics of acceptance are meager ins society that has been brainwashed, basically, from childhood, to pretend to accept the division of humans into tribes of men and women, and reject/ fear deviance from the group norms that have been for the most part thrust upon everyone with oppressive emotional and physical violence.

Coming out to individuals breaks the isolation and begins to create the web of relationships that sustain us as whole human beings. I have found that just being out amongst the 'public' is hugely beneficial in letting myself feel the glow of freedom. It also creates a visceral understanding that the larger society is not really arrayed against us after all, so the individuals in our lives are safer than they thought. This removes the tension of fear when I am crossdressing or talking about it.

It is based on knowledge, which is more solid than the way we sometimes just abandon fear and act out in an exaggerated form, or try to get others to cooperate with us in a fantasy they don't share, which works against acceptance. We have to come out in ways that connect with people in a way that keeps them feeling safe.


In my case, taking classes at the community college works really well as the best of both worlds- it is a public setting, and also populated with individuals I become friends with in the classes. It is expected now for me to wear a nice top and skirt and low heels to school.

I am also understanding after acceptance how women feel the next level of stresses about clothing-i.e. " are we overdressed, are we drawing too much attention, does the outfit really say what we want," etc! I'm enjoying that, and sort of expect that one day I will just wear pants like all the other girls since I no longer have a point to prove. I suppose it will be a relief- we'll see. Right now I identify with the few women who still like to wear dresses, and, I think it liberates them from some of the performance pressure. When I said to one young woman who came over to talk, "if I don't shave then women don't have to either" she looked startled and then pleased. Dresses have a natural pleasure which can be separated from all the negatives also attached now- [i.e. being interpreted as an invitation to sexual harassment.]

[NancySue]

The only one it was important I tell, was my wife, before we wed. The scariest, but best thing I ever did. She knew nothing about CDing, but took the time and patience to learn. She is supportive and helpful, especially with makeup. She was a psych major in college and, for some reason, is fascinated with the whole subject of CDing. I enjoy our talks and try to answer her questions as best I can.

[Julia1984]

Phili, that is an extremely eloquent and perceptive comment, if I may say so.
J

[Majella St Gerard]

it's nice you told your mother but my concern is it seems that you are involved in the kinky lifestyle behind your wife's back and that ain't cool.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

That's so touching to read of your mom's acceptance- my own is about a million miles from that, sweetie though she is.

I think it's incredibly healthy for you to be out to your mom. Well done.

[Micki_Finn]

Not criticizing. Just in my head I’m hearing the argument should you ever come out to your spouse:”You told your MOTHER before ME?!?!”

[Sidney]

I am so happy everything went well. I have come out to my wife, two adult daughters and my therapist. my wife accepts me being me. my two daughters are closer now than we have ever been. my therapist is so encouraging. Without this support group to talk to, go shopping with and just have a great time with I do not know. yes it is very importan to have someone to trust and confide in.