Beware

[Rachel Smith]

Having transitioned 3.5 years ago or more I feel ya'll need to know something.

Your family DOES matter. When I was younger it didn't matter but as you get older those relationships are the ones I miss the most. The only people left in my life from my previous life are my Mother, Father and one sister. I hate to think how I will feel once my parents are gone. While I have been in VA. for 4 years and been home to B-town many times NO one has come to see me except for that one sister that happened to be in the area for her boyfriends daughter having a softball tourney here. The last time I was home my brother couldn't even find 5 minutes to spend with me until my Father yelled at him on the phone.While I have made a good amount of friends here none of them can replace my family.

I just want to warn all the newb's to be careful how you handle your coming out. My whole family was behind me when this all started but now there are none left 'cept for the aforementioned. You may find out as I did that you are no more to them than someone/something to be forgotten. Nothing can replace family!!!!

[Mirya]

I'm sorry to hear that so many family members left you. I can understand the hurt. I'm two years into my transition and have lost everyone except my mother and sister.

I never had children though. And you didn't mention anything about your own children. Did you have any children before your transition? If so, I'm curious what happened to your relationship with them?

[Nigella]

Unfortunately this is a recurring theme, although my siblings and I were fragmented before my transition. Once they knew about me transitioning, non of them have kept in real touch, although one sister does via facebook, although she has not visited our house in 24 years.

My family now consists of Sandra, our daughter Amy and her fiance. I would not hesitate to help out my siblings if the need arose, except financially but will not chase them, did enough of that when we visited during my service.

It will hurt, doubly so if you were close before transition/coming out.

[Rianna Humble]

I find myself in the same boat. The only member of my family who was 100% supportive died 2 years ago. I now share a house with a brother who had previously pretended to be supportive. I have some family on the other side of the puddle, 1 of whom accepts me for who I am but is now too old to travel, and a few who have become facebook friends but not that actively.

The only difference is that I did not hold out much hope so apart from aforementioned brother have not really been disappointed, merely cut off.

[Rachel Smith]

Myria

I am sorry to hear you and so many others are in the same boat with me.

My ex had a 3 year old daughter that I help raise. We had a good relationship for the 28 years I was married to her mother. She even ask me to give her away at her wedding, though I never officially adopted her. The granddaughter she blessed me with always wanted to see her Pop. Before I transitioned we talked about it, the daughter and I, she said she knew I wasn't happy and if leaving the area to transition would make me happy than I should go do it and she would be supportive. She explained to the granddaughter why I left when she was 12. It has been 2 years since I have heard from either of them. I did try to stay in touch with Azzy (granddaughter) but I think those attempts were intercepted by her mother.

[Rachael Leigh]

How very true Rachael as I’m finding out. My family has told me they still love me but since they have yet to see the real me. What then will they no longer care to see me. I understand things from their perspective but I just need them to understand me a little and how difficult this was for me to actually come out and risk what I have risked
Thanks for sharing it is important we all who transition understand these things
Rachae

[Nikki.]

Agreed- thanks for sharing. I do appreciate it, and it helps to reinforce my decision about a long, drawn out transition. I think I would be almost as miserable, but just a different kind of miserable, if I lost everyone.

And I’m sorry for all of you that have lost people.

[Jeri Ann]

I too have lost almost all family and friends as a result of my transition. If I had not transitioned, they would have lost me to suicide. I couldn't go on the way I was. The way I am now I can. It still hurts though. Today is a grandson's 19th birthday. I sent a card, a gift, a text and I called, nothing. I had thought that he was hanging in there with me.

My divorce was final two days ago. It is unbelievable how much it still hurts.

Only my amazing sister remains. We are relishing in the wonderful world of sisterhood. She is making my life better than expected. I am glad now that I chose to live.

[Rachel Smith]

Oh Jeri how I feel for you. I to know about the suicide thing. It was transition or die and sometimes I wonder if transition was the correct answer.

[Aunt Kelly]

I am glad now that I chose to live.
As are we, Jeri Ann. As are so many other people you have touched since setting off on the path you're on. So is every other person you touch.

Rachel, the world is a better place with you and Jeri Ann in it. It is a tragedy that so many of those you love are bound by fear, or whatever it is that makes them shun you. Please don't let that embitter you.
Truly, I can't know how difficult it has been for you, but I do know something about loss, and I can say that it is easy to let it consume us. Don't. Almost everywhere we turn, there are those who need love and will accept it without condition. Take the gift of the new life you've had the amazing courage to pursue and use it to give love to others who have been denied. Make it count.

[Dorit]

Thank you too for opening this topic. I am currently dealing with this very issue. While I have a supporting wife, my children are divided in their attitude toward my transition. Two of my five have said they are considering not letting their children see their grandfather any more after I told them I had started HRT. Sad. On the other hand, I have a loving relationship with the grandchildren of the other three. My wife and I don't want to loose any of our grandchildren, even though we currently have five accepting and five possibly being banned from seeing us. Yes, we have 10! (So far):) We don't know what to do.

[Nigella]

One piece of advice I would give is, Be Yourself

Very few of us change in personality, many people were surprised when they saw the same person, just a different configuration. My attitude to those who decided to walk away has not changed, I am not bitter, just resigned to the fact that they chose not to be a part of my life and that of my family. Everyone who was told of our transition, and I say our because my immediate family have transitioned with me, was told that our relationship was still the same, they could rely upon me afterwards as much as they could before. If THEY chose to walk away, I would not stand in their way, but they could walk back anytime they wanted.

Post Him, 3 people walked away, 3 people have stayed away, however I have many many more people in my life because of Nigella

[Rachel Smith]

Myria

I am sorry to hear you and so many others are in the same boat with me.
.

With so many of us in the same boat if we all grab an oar perhaps we can row ourselves to shore.

Don't know why it took me a re-read to complete that quote but it is why this site is so important to all of us. BIG THANK YOU to all that donate their time and energy to keep it running.

Hugs
Rachel

[Janice Ashton]

This is a very interesting post and some enlightening points are made. I find Jentays comments extremely pertinent to how my life has progressed through transition and especially since my surgery in September this year. People from my past have in some context past into history and like Jentay says they associate themselves with the person they knew before transition and maybe can't or won't come to terms with the new you.

I have no family as such and my ex wife does not want to know me other than a brief chat on the phone whenever I have telephoned which is not often these days. For me I have decided (being a little selfish and protective) to start my new life anew and whomsoever wishes to befriend me as to who I am? I will move forward with and leave the past where it belongs in the past. I strongly feel the decision we take to transition is very difficult especially if we have strong family ties, but crossing that final bridge and changing from who we weren't to who we know we are, is fundamentally a step we have to take into the future and not cling to the past so much.

Rachael you have my sympathy with regard to family and I am sure it hurts a lot not having the relationship you previously had? But it may be helpful to put the past where it belongs and move forward (as hard as that may appear) with the people who do want to know you and be part of your life. This practice for me is my intention and for all those who have cast me off and I leave behind I am confident there will be others (over time) to replace them? I may be wrong but these are my intensions and I intend to stay with them.
Good luck with your family situation but better still, much more luck with any decisions you may make moving forward?

[2BArianwen]

This is heartbreaking! I'm so sorry that so many are hurting so much! The devastation clearly shows the true depth of the agony we face in making this decision. Ultimately, we risk losing ourselves or risk losing those we love. I'm currently going through this decision process and, as you all know, it's truly beyond words.

Love to you all

Rian x

[DaisyLawrence]

I've come to see those that judge and abandon us for the reason of our transness alone as fatally flawed individuals. It's not my fault they're broken.

While this thread has shocked and saddened me no end, I do like jentay's way of looking at it.

I truely hope things get better for those affected by this issue.

[Teresa]

Rachel,
When I was in the closet I called it solitary confinement , no one to communicate with, no one to share any aspect of all this and so no one to understand and accept it. From your comment it appears that it can go full circle, you cross the various hurdles hopefully with some support from family and friends but as they dwindle with your freedom the door appears to close and it's back to solitary confinement .

Jentay suggests they are the flawed ones , the broken ones but that is small consolation when your circle of support is almost none existent .

OK I can't answer where my road leads after I separate from my wife and move into my new home but I will try my hardest to retain my family , my son and daughter and the three grandchildren. Jeri Ann mentions the lack of response from a 19 year old grandson but I think back to that age and my contact with parents and grandparents was very spasmodic , you only make contact when you want something that's fairly normal .

I know I'm heading for a different lifestyle and also know age is stacking against me but again as Jeri Ann comments we need to look after our own needs as well , otherwise we might not be here to tell the tale, speaking from my own experience of twenty years ago .

I do find from my social group that TSs pay the biggest price with transition not only with family support but also the financial hit .

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Teresa,

You are so correct about the solitary confinement. I have traded one for another. Never have I realized this more than today as I lay in the hospital alone. Even my precious sister who brought me here yesterday can’t come visit me for fear of evoking ire from her husband who doesn’t accept me. In all likelihood I will be here for several days without a visitor.

The hurdles you mentioned are never ending. Some are easy while some are friggin’ impossible. Yesterday I walked into a Texas Department of Transportation office, took a number and changed my drivers license. It was easy peazy. Even buying a new car a few days ago was no big deal.

However, Psychotherapy, which most would consider an absolute must for transition, is an impossibility for me. My insurance will not pay and I can not afford it. So, I am on the solo plan. Seeing a therapist long enough to get a letter for hormones cost me $1500. At least I am doing HRT under a doctors care now for the first time in 15 years.

My divorce was final a week ago today. I miss her terribly. She wants nothing to do with me. She has convinced her kids and our grandkids that they want nothing to do with me. It hurts so much.

[LeannS]

Jeri Ann
I know the feeling of being alone and missing the ex you are better off without her really. It does get better and the new friends you shall meet.
I am sorry your in the hospital by yourself.

[Leah Lynn]

I began my transition four years ago. I have two sisters and two brothers. Both sisters and one brother are accepting and we stay in touch. Mom knew and accepted me. My father had passed before this. Both of my children accept and my grandchildren as well. My daughter in law wasn't the most gracious about it. However, a few months ago, her brother came out as trans. Suddenly being trans is cool, she says. I've lost a few friends along the way, made a few new ones. If they won't accept us, there's really nothing we can do to change their minds. Hopefully time will soften their feelings.

Leah

[CallieBelle]

Sorry for your sense of isolation. But remember it's really not about you. Family can be fickle with or without transformation as a supposed catalyst. I'm not out to anyone. But, illness was enough to make most of my small extended family view me differently than they had previously. It certainly can be disappointing and the loneliness wrenching, but being valued for who you are, the sum total, is how we should be treated.

[CarlaWestin]

I've read this thread in strong interest. If I were single, transition might actually be on the dance card. I truly admire all of you and your courage. Fortunately, my gender is a wide category somewhere in the middle. And, as I described it to someone recently, I've just gotten really good at the male character. Anyway, I've truly come to the conclusion that a good majority of others are simply broken and stay in their conditioned comfort zone of narrow mindedness. This doesn't just apply to gender issues. I have personally flourished since I moved 3000 miles away from the original tribal grounds, (Wash, DC). My sibs and family are so much more definable and palatable through email, f-book and the occasional phone call. I truly had to get out of the forest to admire the trees. My Daughter loves Carla (wife doesn't but she's stuck with me) and I'm just on the verge of letting family and friends know about my true self. As we create a new life and our own traditions, past relations become very special. Be positive and enjoy life. We really don't have time to waste on anything negative.

[rachael.davis]

I love the song "Caledonia" - prefer it done by Doughie McLean, it has a verse
Made the choices needed choosing
Lost the friends who needed losing
and made better on the way.
The song manages to be sorrowful, and joyful simultaneously

[Lygophilia]

My father outed me to my older brother out of frustration, which he had words with me also. There was negativity about it on my mother's side of the family, but I personally don't care. I'm different than you, because I never had that kind of relationship with my family to care what they say in this subject, as they don't define me, I do. I'm ok with being rejected, I'm a loner in real life.

[Jeri Ann]

Logo, I have been contemplating your unusual and unexpected response to this thread. It actually has helped me put this issue in perspective. You are correct. Others shouldn’t define us. What others think is none of my business. I am so sorry that your treatment by family members keeps you from caring. However, at the end of the day, I would rather work through my pain and look forward to loving and being loved again than to be okay with rejection. I could never ever love the darkness. I sincerely thank you for sharing.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I love the song "Caledonia" - prefer it done by Doughie McLean, it has a verse
Made the choices needed choosing
Lost the friends who needed losing
and made better on the way.
The song manages to be sorrowful, and joyful simultaneously

Very nice...

There is a song by Everlast...

there is a line (about abortion in the song)
but it really always stuck into my heart and mind...

"God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose"

[Jeri Ann]

Yeah, my choice was darkness or life. Non of the inhabitants of the world I left a few months ago understand that. Some of you here do. Thanks for sharing your perspective. It helps knowing that you are not the only one.

[Tracii G]

I am glad I finally read some common sense and honesty in a thread thanks for posting your thoughts Rachel.

[manemami]

Though i wish to come out, i fear even my own family will part away from me, due to this fear i am supressing my wish to express my famine desire. my wife allowed me to use panties and knows i wear bras but not intrested to see me wearing them even see dont like to discuss. but i am happy she accepted my wishes.

[Nicole Erin]

I think often the relationships we lose due to lifestyle choices were shaky ones in the first place.

Another reality of life though is as we get older, our world becomes smaller. This happens regardless of any other factors. Remember being a kid and having so many friends and family? Remember also during holidays how you would have to go over for those obligatory visits to older relatives who were lonely because no one ever went over?
Plus nowadays the consensus seems to be that people are becoming less social. Some blame social media and the web but that may just be a scapegoat.

In my own life, about the only family I communicate with on a regular basis is my older sister. My brother is too busy with his own life, I had to cut ties with my step family (shaky to begin with but me being TG was the final straw). my ex and son are in another state, mom is dead, have not seen dad since I was like two years old, friends have moved on or the friendship just kind of faded away...

We cannot deny that our being TG does affect relationships but it is only one factor and maybe not even the biggest one.

[Rachel Smith]

Sorry I am so late to a party I started.

Erin those are valid points that I hadn't considered. Thank you for shedding a new light.

Teresa it is like trading one solitary confinement for one with a different description on the door. I have made some great friends behind this door but it's different then family. That's why Erin makes a valid debate.

Thank you all for participating in this discussion.

I do appreciate all the posts and have learned or re-learned some things.

Hugs
Rachel

[pamela7]

Maybe I live in a different "world", but it is not all doom and gloom with relatives and friends. All of my many relatives on my own blood side have warmly accepted Pam and I have seen it directly in their eyes at two family funerals this year. The neighbours have responded positively to the news, and christmas cards reflect this. Even my homo/transphobic parents-in-law have come around to the point of wanting to meet - albeit after a year+ of disconnect.

I feel sorry for those of you who are experiencing the loss of formerly close relatives and friends. Going forward, at least new friends can be known as real friends, because they will not care about the trans label, they will like the person inside.

good will to all at this time of year

xxx Pam

[DaisyLawrence]

That is great Pam, thanks for lightening the mood. I am pleased it has worked for you here in the UK. I bet that first meet up with the parents-in-law will be fun!?!

Daisy.

[Tommie.]

I can add nothing to the loss, pain and despair recounted above... it has all happened to me also going into my second year of transition. I miss my beloved Lydia of 43 years so badly I can barely type this... tears cloud my eyes... sorrow my constant companion. May God send His angels to us all and renew our joy..... please.

[grace7777]

I have been fortunate in that my mother has accepted my transition and my brother and sister do not seem to have a problem with it. My mother is now telling other relatives about my transition, so there still could be negative reactions, but I do not see them often, so it would not hugely affect me.

[Teresa]

Rachel,
The other point some of us in the UK forget is isolation can happen simply because the size of the US , keeping in touch with family and friends on a personal level can be harder. In that respect we don't have that excuse in the UK, and I admit I'm guilty of not contacting my sister who only lives ten minutes drive away . I can't help feeling the proximity to other people makes it easier to come out and find acceptance , or is it more of the Brits way ?

[Rachel Smith]

Teresa,

Must be a "Brit" thing. I am a 6 hour drive from where my family lives but with the exception of my parents we all have internet and cell phones, though my parents do have one of those. On my last trip to Pennsylvania I took a case of some micro brew along for my brother and he still couldn't spend 15 minutes with me though he like you is only a 10 minute drive from my parents where I was staying. I have one sister that hasn't talked to me since I started transition 4 years ago and a stepdaughter that has done the same in the last 3 years. I have one sister that talks to me when it suits her. On Christmas day she sent me a text and ask when it would be a good time to call me later that day. I replied 7PM. Well it is now New Years eve and she still hasn't called. I do however talk with my parents regularly so for me anyway the saying a parents love doesn't change though I know of many on here that have lost them as well.

Go see your sister, sister.

Hugs
Rachel