A little update

[Tamsin Secret]

So I turned my wife's life upside down 2 months ago and told her I crossdress.

So what? I just ruined my own life by telling someone something I thought I was taking to my grave....

Yeah well if she loved me she would accept it heels and all.

But TBf if I was her I would have packed my bags for me.

WOW

What a roller coaster I've been on.

Ok so some sense.

Lots of tears. From both parties. Some awkward moments. Little conversation. Mostly messaging.

However.

She has just given me a 2nd time for me to do my thing. She knows I buy stuff. it's been moved from my car to the wardrobe. She makes jokes about it. We are still married.

These are uncharted waters but I'm going to battle the waves.

It's going to be tough on us both I know but the breakthrough has been made.

I stepped out the closet knowing it could all go wrong. I will stand by my decision.

Am I lucky my wife stood by that decision? Time will tell.

God this thing is complex.

Tammy

[Pat]

Congratulations! We seem to have enough stories on this site of couples who have made it through this that we can say it's a thing even if we can't yet say it's common.Good luck to you both.

[Ariana225]

Congrats on coming out to your wife! I'm also a recent one being only out for 8 months to my wife.

For me, it was worth it, every month got easier for my wife to accept it. We had the same struggles that you're dealing with right now. Crying, emotions, and more crying and emotions. Once my wife realized it was who I was as a person, and the emotional pain experienced to hide and keep it inside and a secret for all of those years, she eventually showed compassion and acceptance.

My advice to you is to take it slow. The path can be a long and difficult one. It takes even a greater effort to not only work on yourself, but your relationship. Once she sees that you're still who you always have been it will be better. In addition to that she now has someone that can give advice on clothes, paint each other's nails, go shopping with, etc. My wife loves those perks and takes advantage of them. She includes my opinion on clothes now and I paint her toes as soon as regrowth hits and she needs a new layer.

I hope things work out for you and your wife and I hope she becomes mostly/fully accepting of your crossdressing. DADT is real for a lot of members on this forum. Remember, take it slow, include her in the conversation and decisions if she wants to, put her first in everything, and make it a bonus in her life and not a burden. Good luck love!

[Genni]

Yes, good luck to you both! I think there is something to this "you be you" thing. Every relationship is different, but I believe that communicating is almost always the way to go. My wife has known since before we were married some 40 years ago. We were solidly in DADT, but I also took a chance and brought it back into discussion recently. We are communicating more now about our relationship in general, and that is a good thing!

[Pumped]

Take it slow and see where it leads.

I think what helped for me is I had some women's stretch jeans, shorts and some other fairly generic clothing I would wear while lounging around the house in the evening. It would go unnoticed for the most part, but every so often my wife would notice and ask if they were women's. I would answer very casually that they were and I like wearing them while relaxing at home. I think she eventually saw no harm and let me indulge more and even asked her to join in with the lingerie for both of us, which she has. I think she is just realizing that I am just slightly "crazy" and not planning on going completely off the deep end! ;-)

[Micki_Finn]

Just be carful with those “If she loved me...” thoughts.

[Jaylyn]

I agree with many of the comments already posted and would like to say again slow as you is the key. We have to let our dressing not interfere with our marriage duties. It must compliment the marriage. I agree 100% with what Roberta said let her realize that our getting in touch with our femme side can be a benefit for each other. We understand why they want to go get their nails done, hair colored and even why they want new in style clothing.
I say it's a win win situation for both sides and help us turn into just one side together on our dressing and why we do do it.

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Remember in any situation in dealing with a female of the homo sapiens variety...you cannot say, "I love you" too much.
My oldest child is FtM....and about two months after he came out, I hosed up the pronouns....and he layed into me.
I said, "whoa....hold the phone, you are not the only one who has to transition here....you get to kick tue world in the teeth and demand those pronouns, and I will hold it still.for you to kick....but, your family gets to take time to transition too....for 22 years, you have been my daughter, and I will always love you, but you need to show some consideration for those of us who have to shift our lives around, and change our thinking.....everyone has their own transition to go through."

Point is....she has had a major upset, and it will take her awhile to start to break down those gender norms....give her time and space and lots of love.

[Beverley Sims]

Take it slow, a positive is your clothes are now in the wardrobe, and you are still talking.

Keep your chin up and walk on eggshells for a while if you have to.

[Aunt Kelly]

Your wife is one in a million. Never miss an opportunity to let her know how much you value that. Right now, not this is not so much about you as it is about her.
You've probably dealt with this for a long time. She is just now having to deal with it. Respect that. Make it safe for her to come to grips with this and, hopefully, accept this side of you.
And above all, yes, communicate, but don't push. It is all too easy to instill fear at this point.

[cdsamswife]

Having experience being the wife.... potentially be prepared for some ups and downs..... but as the others said.... give it a bit of time.. I think you're going to have to be a little bit more patient (try to be empathetic.. patient.. patient and then more patient)... it's easy to say but.. just because you love someone it doesnt mean you automatically accept everything about him ..... If there was absolutely no stigma against crossdressing... this website probably wouldnt exist...

My advice - discuss her boundaries.. what she is currently comfortable with.. what her fears are.. and what your normal activities while dressed is...

I think what wives fear the most is.... will my husband want to transition? and has he ever cheated on me?... as irrational as that is... even the strongest woman will need reassurance from time to time..

Good Luck Tammy!

[DaisyLawrence]

Good luck Tammy. I am sure it will just get better, the signs are there. Good advise from cdsamswife. If she truely loves you all will be fine.

[alwayshave]

Tamsin, I'm glad that things are going well for you and your wife.

[sarah_hillcrest]

So I turned my wife's life upside down 2 months ago and told her I crossdress.

But TBf if I was her I would have packed my bags for me.

Tammy

This is something I've wondered about a lot. What if my wife had some strange secret, that didn't involve sex with another person, but was really out there. If she started wanting to wear men's pants and polo shirts, I don't think I'd have a problem, but if she decided to get a crew cut and a fake beard, and started wearing clothing licensed by mixed martial arts companies, yeah I think I'd be upset.

When I told my wife she had several concerns, but one thing that she brought up several times was that it didn't feel fair to her. Best advice I can give is what others have said, be thankful, graceful, be her man and maybe eventually you can also be her woman.

[Tamsin Secret]

Communication has been the key. Wether it be talking or messaging.
I will be patient but....

The surge of emotions driving you to do all the things you have kept secret for so long is immense. It's a difficult thing trying to ensure that doesn't turn into resentment at not being able to lift the lid off.

Again I understand from her point of view, I really do, but it sure is tough.

[Teri Ray]

Tamsin,

Best wishes to you and your wife as you sort this issue out. No two married people going through this discovery will find the same path. Communication, listening and taking things slow will provide you with the best tools for finding the right balance. Don't underestimate listening part. We all tend to think we are listening but too often we don't take the time to understand what we think we hear.

By the way don't fall into assuming if you or your wife need understanding over even small issues be sure to ask and discuss things. (lesson learned)

Best wishes.

[Tanya silk stocking]

good advice in the previous posts.Take it one step at a time and talk thinks through

[Sarah Louise]

That's good news, Tamsin. You're quite right, communication is key as long as you don't overwhelm her with it. The fact that she jokes about it is telling. People tend not to joke about things that upset them.

[Tamsin Secret]

Just be carful with those “If she loved me...” thoughts.

Hi Micki,

Absolutley, I was kinda painting a picture and playing devils advocate with those couple of sentences.

Thanks all who have contributed, it's nice that support, guidance, reassurance, experience and a host of other things are freely offered to those seeking them.

My wife is one in a million for sure.

Tammy

[Sidney]

Coming out is so scarey. I told my wife a little over a year ago. The go slow, little steps advice is soooo important. We established boundaries and they seem to be slowly expanding. Don't forget this is all new to her, give her time, lots of time and talk.

[pajeantv]

So glad it has been peaceful for you, im still married but only on paper, when I was "found out", it left the mark on the side of my head from a cast iron frying pan. it is DADT with more emphasis on "I don't wanna know" . someday we will both go our own ways, maybe after the grandsons are older.

[Becky Blue]

Best of luck on your journey Tamsin, and remember only you know the dynamic between you and your wife and that every relationship is unique, take it slow and really listen to her.

[Emma S]

I came out to my gf about a year and a half ago. At first she was shocked but supportive. Even encouraged a little but then I got the feeling it weirded her out as we explored it so it got kind of swept under the rug. It's become more of a DADT situation which is not what I want but I also don't want to force her to act as if she's excited about it when she's really uncomfortable. I think for now I'll mention it more in passing from time to time to gage her comfort and see where we go from there.

[dan.dan]

When my wife caught me in panties, she said I should get a boyfriend....so I did. When she caught me wearing a bra, she told me to take it off. We don't have sex anymore. Not all coming out-s have a happy ending. That said, we are still married and I stay in the closet.

[osteph]

I am delighted Tamsin for you and your wife.
I hope you can keep communication going and always try to be respectful of each other's feelings.
If you can do that I believe it will prove to be a blessing in your marriage rather than a problem.

[Cassiek]

Great news for you Tammy. Like you did I believe I am starting down the same road you did (you can refer back to some of my latest posts). I hope and pray that my road never ends as yours and doesn’t end up a dead end.

[DanielleDubois]

As it has been stated establishing boundaries that are well understood by both sides is imperative. Also be prepared that over time those boundaries will likely shift back and forth. After 40+ years of marriage I have learned compromises are what keeps couples together and in a loving relationship . I have never really understood those who say it is my life and I'll do what I want to or if she loved me she would fully accept me for who I am. Life and and love is not quite that simple in my opinion.