Alice-V
12-22-2017, 04:46 PM
Dear all,
I haven’t been frequenting these forums much ever since I joined. Just an occasional look around now and then. But I’ve been having a hard time with myself lately and would like to share with you. I won’t go into much detail, just the things I believe add to the picture of where I currently find myself.
For as long as I remember I've found myself attracted to feminine things. Mother’s makeup, cousin’s skirts and jewellery, long nails, too - you name it. I was raised in a rather conservative family when it comes to masculinity, so naturally these explorations were covert and infrequent. I don’t remember a time when I would not resent masculinity and what’s expected of me being a man. I would lean towards activities and social groups where either I’d be neutral or where the line separating the genders could naturally come blurry.
I constantly had difficulty expressing myself, being creative and often simply going about the day to day things. My own ideas weren’t numerous and I would more often execute other’s wishes and expectations than pursuit my own dreams. This was getting worse for the last few years and I’ve been getting deep into depression rather recently.
My thoughts on transsexualism largely came from the stubborn opinions of my family and the somewhat twisted portrayals in the entertainment media. I wasn’t at all conscious of what my attraction to feminine things and the occasional wish to be a girl meant. It wasn’t until several years ago, however, when I ran into the cross dressing phenomenon, started looking for more information (crossdressers.com, too!) and realised cross dressing was a completely different thing.
My wife took some time to get over it once I came out as a cross dresser. Although, her initial reaction was pretty much “Tolerable as long as it ain’t in my backyard.” it did get a bit better with time. I mean, I’ve only once dressed with her home. Though generally speaking, she is more or less able to turn the blind eye on on this. I can cross dress every now and then and this used to be okay for a while but... I can hardly manage this Dr. Jekyll / Ms. Hyde play anymore. It just feels like Ms. Hyde is the real me and not the other way around. For about the first time in my life I know what I genuinely want.
Talks about transitioning aren’t something my wife takes easy. According to her the whole idea of transitioning (HRT with or without SRS) is not a valid medical intervention, that transsexualism is yet another disorder and ought to be treated with means other than transitioning. Oh, and she is aghast at the thought of having to live with a woman. She feels as though some other woman is stealing her husband away.
Some facts to make the situation a bit more complicated. My wife and I, we’ve been living together for nearly ten years now. We’ve three children, too. I love my family and I don’t want to lose them at all. At the same time, I very much worry that my transitioning would devastate my family.
So here I am at the T-junction. One road keeps me where I am, a happy family and friends without all the BS, a safe place but a life where I am this gray person at best. The other leads to the frighteningly dangerous unknown with the promise of being... myself.
I initially thought about asking for advice and help and it took me well over a week of thought to actually post it. Right now, I am not so sure of what I expect. Thoughts from aside are definitely welcome, but I feel just sharing this might do.
P.S. I am somewhat unsure if I'm posting this in the right subforum. My sincere apologies if so.
I haven’t been frequenting these forums much ever since I joined. Just an occasional look around now and then. But I’ve been having a hard time with myself lately and would like to share with you. I won’t go into much detail, just the things I believe add to the picture of where I currently find myself.
For as long as I remember I've found myself attracted to feminine things. Mother’s makeup, cousin’s skirts and jewellery, long nails, too - you name it. I was raised in a rather conservative family when it comes to masculinity, so naturally these explorations were covert and infrequent. I don’t remember a time when I would not resent masculinity and what’s expected of me being a man. I would lean towards activities and social groups where either I’d be neutral or where the line separating the genders could naturally come blurry.
I constantly had difficulty expressing myself, being creative and often simply going about the day to day things. My own ideas weren’t numerous and I would more often execute other’s wishes and expectations than pursuit my own dreams. This was getting worse for the last few years and I’ve been getting deep into depression rather recently.
My thoughts on transsexualism largely came from the stubborn opinions of my family and the somewhat twisted portrayals in the entertainment media. I wasn’t at all conscious of what my attraction to feminine things and the occasional wish to be a girl meant. It wasn’t until several years ago, however, when I ran into the cross dressing phenomenon, started looking for more information (crossdressers.com, too!) and realised cross dressing was a completely different thing.
My wife took some time to get over it once I came out as a cross dresser. Although, her initial reaction was pretty much “Tolerable as long as it ain’t in my backyard.” it did get a bit better with time. I mean, I’ve only once dressed with her home. Though generally speaking, she is more or less able to turn the blind eye on on this. I can cross dress every now and then and this used to be okay for a while but... I can hardly manage this Dr. Jekyll / Ms. Hyde play anymore. It just feels like Ms. Hyde is the real me and not the other way around. For about the first time in my life I know what I genuinely want.
Talks about transitioning aren’t something my wife takes easy. According to her the whole idea of transitioning (HRT with or without SRS) is not a valid medical intervention, that transsexualism is yet another disorder and ought to be treated with means other than transitioning. Oh, and she is aghast at the thought of having to live with a woman. She feels as though some other woman is stealing her husband away.
Some facts to make the situation a bit more complicated. My wife and I, we’ve been living together for nearly ten years now. We’ve three children, too. I love my family and I don’t want to lose them at all. At the same time, I very much worry that my transitioning would devastate my family.
So here I am at the T-junction. One road keeps me where I am, a happy family and friends without all the BS, a safe place but a life where I am this gray person at best. The other leads to the frighteningly dangerous unknown with the promise of being... myself.
I initially thought about asking for advice and help and it took me well over a week of thought to actually post it. Right now, I am not so sure of what I expect. Thoughts from aside are definitely welcome, but I feel just sharing this might do.
P.S. I am somewhat unsure if I'm posting this in the right subforum. My sincere apologies if so.