Moral dilemma

[Julia1984]

So. I'm a crossdresser. I realised that fact two years ago. I acquired the normal bits and pieces. My wife found my stash. We had "the talk". As a result, I purged. I suppressed the urge to dress yet again. For the sake of stability (we have been together more than 30 years and have teenage children who dont know, so far as I'm aware). We talked. I said: ok it was an experiment, i will stop if it makes you so unhappy (which it did). Now, for whatever reason, the need to be Julia is back stronger than ever. So: to carry on in secret or to reignite the debate? That is the question. I dont know the answer. Any thoughts...?
Juliaxx

[DIANEF]

If your wife already knows of your desire to cross dress, and you have told her you will stop, going behind her back might not be a very good idea, in fact in may be a very bad idea. I'm not judging in any way and I know what a difficult position you must be in, but the need to cross dress rarely goes away, in fact for many, me included the need gets stronger as you get older. I think the only way through this is to talk to your wife and maybe seek professional guidance in how to handle this situation. Good luck with whatever you do.

[Confucius]

If it made your wife so unhappy, and you promised to stop, then I cannot advise you to crossdress behind her back. It would not end well for you.

I believe you need to have more discussions with your wife.

[Tracii G]

If you have gone back on your promise to her what kind of husband does that make you?
I don't say that to be mean but to only make you think about going back on your word.
If she cannot trust your word it means you have no honor and your word means nothing.
Not sure if I could live with that.

[AllieSF]

Go back to her with the truth. The truth will set you free. Explain that you tried and it came back strongly. Tell her that you two need to talk to understand it and determine what next to do, DADT, third qualified counseling, or something else. It may seem daunting but this is your opportunity to move forward together. Good luck.

[Angie G]

If you need to dress don't do it behind her back!!!!!:hugs:
Angie

[Teri Ray]

All situations between couples are different. There is no one right answer for all. I can tell you that for me and my wife I found that her not having the full truth of my desire and feelings was worse. She was much more understanding when she could ask questions and I would answer with honesty. So based on my experiences I would say you might be better off opening up dialog with your wife and tell her how you are feeling. Hopefully you will find some common ground and boundaries. Best wishes.

[Tracy Irving]

It is better to reignite the debate (and possibly end up in a DADT situation) than carry on in secret.

[Tracii G]

Please remember no one likes being lied to.
How would you feel if your wife lied to you?
I have been lied to and believe me its serious and can ruin a marriage

[DaisyLawrence]

Hi Julia.

Good advise so far. It may help if she read up about it a bit (to break the taboo). The books by Helen Boyd, the wife of a crossdresser, are enlightening to spouses ('My Husband Betty' and 'She's Not the Man I Married'). Both available on Ebay. Good luck.

Daisy x

[Shelly Preston]

Given what you have said it seems you have made the decision to dress again.

I think you need to sit down with your wife and explain the desire has returned even although you never expected it too.
Explain you wanted to tell her as you don't want to go behind her back and break your promise. and most of all don't make anymore promises you wont be able to keep. She may ask you to seek counselling, which will not be a bad thing, as long as you make sure the person you see understands transgender issues.

Be honest and answer her questions as best you can.

If you don't tell her and she find out it will be worse. Lies, betrayal, lack of trust. and you can see where that choice will take you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Julia1984]

Thank you, everyone. I guess I knew the answer but needed to hear it said out loud from a neutral (?) party. Not exactly the best day of the year to bring this up.
Jxx

[Lydianne]

Hi, Julia!

I am not married.

I was about to write what you wrote in #12. If you have made the decision to disclose, then if possible, maybe wait for long enough ( ideally without dressing ( easily said by an unmarried guy, I know ) ) until the disclosure is unlikely to be associated with the holiday period. Breaking difficult news during major holiday periods can impact the mood during those holiday periods in future years. However, sometimes difficult events just happen during the holiday, or they can't be avoided. On the other hand, you also risk getting found out in the interim, and you have the weight of conscience to negotiate. It's a delicate balancing act.

I hope it works out in whichever way you handle it :) .

- Lydianne.

[Francene Lola Dupree]

I think it's most important to maintain the honesty in your relationship.
It's taken a lot of talking with my partner to get to the point now where the dressing is a reasonably comfortable part of our life, and it still has to addressed occasionally.

I'd wait until after the holidays, in the new year, and tell her that you're struggling with repressing your feeling and it's making you unhappy. I've found its about getting little concessions, living with them until they're accepted and normalised, then work on progressing from there. Everything all at once is too much for most girls.
xXx

[kimdl93]

Secrets are deadly to a marriage. Even DADT can be corrosive if your partner feels you have a second life that she isn’t a part of. Quite a dilemma, for sure. Much as I might agree that repression and denial are also bad, but when faced with multiple responsibilities and difficult choices, you’re going to have to prioritize. I’m guessing that your marriage, your kids and the collection of things that make up your life will remain your priorities.

[Rhonda Jean]

There is not a clear cut answer. It is a matter of degree on both sides. If she's immovable, honesty will threaten your marriage as much as dishonesty.

Most of us on this board do this a lot. We go out, we accumulate, we stay shaved all the time, have our brows done, etc., etc.. If this is where you're headed, another talk is inevitable. If, though, you're talking about dressing when you're out of town or in the house when she's not there, I don't think that it's necessary to have the discussion. This is needlessly a hot button issue. This was apparently something that was pretty easy for you to put away for a long while. If all it takes for you to be satisfied with this is to go to a hotel and dress in your room or even go out once in a great while, in my opinion, that's nothing. It shouldn't even be a blip on the radar. If it's really only that and you bring it up to her, she'll certainly think it's something much bigger and will act accordingly.

I hid nothing for 30+ years. I'm divorced because of it. It was too big of a deal with me to keep secret even if I'd wanted to. It's easy for most of us on this board to forget that it's not as big of a thing for everybody as it is for us. I don't guess I'd say that if more men wore makeup every now and then or a dress that they'd be better off for it, but it wouldn't hurt. If you're curious about what that's like, if you want to add that to your life experiences, it's not worth making a federal case out of it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julia :hugs:, It sounds like you got yourself between a Rock and a Hard place here, I hope that you both can work out an arrangement.

Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't walk away from either one.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Sidney]

I've been in your position and know it's not easy. Trust is vital to a good marriage. Broken trust may never be regained. I camet out to my wife a year ago and it almost ended our marriage. We sought counceling and other than coming out that was the best decision we ever made. And yes wait until AFTER the Holidays, I did it two weeks before Christmas and believe me it ruined it.

[CarlaWestin]

Maybe once the season is passed and the normal routine comes back the talk needs to be reinitiated. You can talk about it without going into detail about it.
Selfishly speaking, it really is your choice. Either hide it from her or try to hide it in the back of your mind from yourself.
I'm not in the camp that says you can't quit this thing because you can. But explain something to me. What exactly takes it's place that is so much better?
Nothing.

[Maria 60]

I've just gone through something last week that my wife kept a secret that she promised a family member, when I asked about that topic she lied to me to protect the family member. Unfortunately a lie is like hidding something in the snow, eventually the snow is going to melt and the secret will be exposed. I was very upset that she lied to me, and it really breaks the trust in a relationship, my next question was " anything else I should know about".
A few months back my wife asked me if she asked to me to stop dressing what would I do. I told her I love sharing this side with her, but if I have to I can do it alone when she is not around. If she asked to totally stop and remove my stuff, it wouldn't happen and in any relationship there has to be a happy medium that both can be happy and if it can't be reached our relationship won't have much future because this is who I am and it's in me. There has to always be a way that we can work out an arrangement that we can both be happy.
My only advice is COMUNICATION, i don't know you or your wife and don't know what type of relationship you have, so I can't really give you to much advice. Let us know how it goes and I feel the frustration and hopefully you can find the happy medium.

[NikiMichelle]

You have to get back to talking about crossdressing and your need to do it...try to get her to do some reading/research on it so she can get educated on “what and what not CD’ing is”. Work together with her on the education process to keep the fears at bay.

[Julia1984]

Again. For these comments, much thanks.
Rhonda: it hasn't been "easy". Despite best efforts at mental discipline ( i consider that a feature, if not a "strength") of my own inner mental life, I have had to deal with depression and anxiety for most of this year. Who knows how much these issues are related: not me for sure,and I'm not one to promote a "victim personality" but there may be a connection: what do I know? There is no "control" no life where Julia is not real that I can appeal to for a comparison.
Enough soul bearing I feel.
Jxx

[Teresa]

Julia,
I know your dilemma, who deserves to be happy ? One of the partners has to accept the decision , if you submit and deny dressing how much happier will your wife be or is the damage already done ? I found this out there was no going back so eventually my happiness became more important . DADT didn't work, it was all short term compromises , despite that I still had gender counselling without her support and started going out socially . That was the turning point I knew I wanted more so I could come to terms with it so the eventual outcome is we are separating . My family all know what it's about and are OK about it , it is an amicable arrangement but would not remain that way if we stay together . I have found it does get easier when more people know , the World does not come to an end , that is something my wife has realised as much as me , family and friends are not turning against her , and I'm finding I'm making more friends . The whole situation is improving quickly in the UK .

I've been married 43 years and have grown up children and grandchildren and I intend to keep contact with them , carrying on in secret just adds to the lies and deceit , you can't keep living a life that way .

[Shayla]

Hi Julia. Recently told my wife that this was more than just a fetish thing (she knew about the lingerie, we were DADT as it made her unhappy). Very uncomfortable and we are not really sure where we are right now. Waiting until the New Year to talk again.

However, one thing that made it easier was going to a couples therapist that is educated in the latest gender theories and very trans-positive, and having the talk there. The therapist was able to give me some validation and give my wife some education. That has made it better and kept me from being the bad guy. Just a thought.

[giuseppina]

Shelley_cd has the right idea, Julia. A duly qualified and licensed mental health practitioner can give your DSW the straight goods. Often a professional has a lot more credibility than the crossdresser. The other requirement for a therapist is s/he has no axe to grind. Previous experience with gender issues is very helpful, but not strictly necessary, in my experience.

This is an old thread by a respected GG, but still has plenty of good info:

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

There are likely other others floating around.

Caveat: I have never been involved in a relationship: my choice.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Why choose to think of it as a moral dilemma, with all the implications of judgment and guilt.

It's more a practical dilemma. This is something, something perfectly legal, that you need badly. The fact that it made your wife unhappy isn't really the issue, the issue is can you live without it or can't you?

My feeling is since your previous experience, it's better for now to allow yourself to do it for a while, be scrupulous about keeping it to yourself, and see how you feel in a couple of months. If she does find out, you may have to deal with feelings of guilt, but why go there unless you're forced?

I'd also heartily recommend counselling, not to question the crossdressing, but about how to deal with a partner who is unable to accept it.

Go easy on yourself. The fact that your wife finds it hard to understand doesn't mean you're actually doing anything wrong.