Peaks and Valleys

[Melissa Pink]

Are there times when any of you feel that your gender dysphoria is more intense than others? I repressed my gender dysphoria for many years and came to terms with it in 2009. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak there are times when I feel more anxious about my male body than others. If I were to wake up tomorrow with a healthy woman's body I would be quite pleased and beyond ecstatic. However, there are times when I get frustrated and question if subjecting my body and mind to HRT, laser hair removal, wearing a wig daily to cover my bald head and related elective surgeries as well as the social challenges are worth it all at this stage of the game. In other words "Should I just settle for living as a male?" I don't care for that option as it's clear to me that psychologically, emotionally and sexually I'm wired like a woman. My therapist and several transgender friends have helped validate my feelings and suggest that they are quite "normal" and not unusual as it's natural for people to select the path of least resistance. I'm scheduled to see an endocrinologist to be evaluated for HRT next month. Do you think HRT will help me emotionally focus more on my decision to transition? Based on the research that I've conducted many trans women report that the positive physical effects of HRT have improved their outlook on their decision to transition. Any feedback and insight would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Melissa

[Rachael Leigh]

Hey Melissa, well I’m very new to the transition experience and in fact I’ve got my Dr visit for my HRT eval in mid Jan.
However yes I’ve been questioning a lot ever sense I came out at work and to Family and I wondered could I just go back
and live as my male self, so yes it’s common and what I deal with I understand that this is very much a lifetime commitment but you do have the option to go back.
I like you thought everyday I need to get ready for my job with makeup and clothes and such, can I do this everyday and so far it’s had a few problems but actually I love being a women and being girly and each day it just gets a bit eaiser,
not to say there still won’t be some down days but that’s how life is and how you choose to make it best for you
Hugs Rachael

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Melissa,

If you frequently question whether or not HRT, hair removal, a hair piece and surgeries are worth it, then they are probably not. And by the way, laser hair removal will probably not be enough. More than likely it would take painful, expensive and extensive (one to three years) electrolysis to get hair free.

If you are "wired like a woman" then your need to live authentically should minimize, or completely negate, any and all obstacles to getting there. I'm not sure what social challenges you are talking about but transition has cost me all my family except my sister. Doing life and interacting with the outside world is the easy part for me. In the past few weeks I have been hospitalized, changed drivers license, passport, opened a bank account, bought a car and today, took my puppy dog to the vet. I have had nothing but positive experiences. So far, and it's only been six months for me, I have not had a single regret. I do wish that family members would accept me. It was a lonely Christmas. This has been my experience.

[DaisyLawrence]

This is a great question Melissa which I look forward to reading the replies. You will no doubt get the usual replies from some stating that transition was NOT an option but a necessity and the only real alternative was suicide. The extrapolation is therefore that if you consider it a choice rather than a necessity, as you seem to do, then you are not a true trans woman and shouldn't transition. However, I do not subscribe to that way of thinking. I see your question relates to the effects of HRT alone on your state of mind regarding transition. My research suggests that many in your position (i.e. those considering the option to transition as opposed to those absolutely needing transition to stay alive) have tried HRT. Some have gone on to full transition, some have stayed gender fluid but continued with HRT, and some have stopped HRT and either lived as gender fluid or as their male selves. I think that these are the people that you need opinions from and I hope they will respond to your request as your decision to transition should be taken when as well informed as possible.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Daisy x

[Mirya]

Are there times when any of you feel that your gender dysphoria is more intense than others? I repressed my gender dysphoria for many years and came to terms with it in 2009.

Can you please explain what you meant when you wrote, "came to terms with it in 2009"? Are you a transsexual who settled for living as a man for 8 years, even when you knew that you're really a woman all that time? I don't understand.

[Pat]

Do you think HRT will help me emotionally focus more on my decision to transition? Based on the research that I've conducted many trans women report that the positive physical effects of HRT have improved their outlook on their decision to transition.

I've seen a lot of informal statements from Trans/TS folks who say they got a positive mental effect from hormones. In just the last few months I've been seeing that noted in the medical literature as well. However, no studies say exactly what the mechanism for it is. So, like so much else in Hormone Therapy, it's a "you MAY experience" effect. There's only one way to know if you'll experience it.

I would suggest that if you feel like transition is a choice and not a requirement, you should look into the various "non-binary" options. The TS folks I've known generally don't/didn't feel a lot of choice in their transition -- they HAD to do it. You might find that a non-binary identity resonates with you and eliminates the surgical interventions that you don't feel are right for you.


You will no doubt get the usual replies from some stating that transition was NOT an option but a necessity and the only real alternative was suicide.

I can give you an alternate narrative: My transition was triggered by a near-death experience -- I got a preview of the amazing weight of regret I'd have if I didn't pursue this. So suicide was not an option -- I had to transition before I faced death again.

[Teresa]

Melissa,
I feel at your age you do need to make a decision and try and stick with it, while I'm not saying I'm too old it does make me think harder about my choices . I can understand the comment about taking the path of least resistance , that would make life far easier for all of us but then we have to accept the difference in our wiring and try and find what the needs are to satisfy the feelings that arise , OK it's how we best deal with GD.
I'm very much in the same situation as Rachel, although I'm not taking any medication but within a few short weeks my life is going to change and I will have the opportunity to live full time . I'm trying not ti think ahead too far but deal with living full time first and building a new life around it . If I then need to transition further I will consider my options , I am finding TS members of my social group a great help and guide . Yes I'm seeing all aspects of transition and what it means both good and bad , I'm afraid so far it's not the Utopia they thought it was going to be .

The lesson learned is if the current situation makes you happy then live with it , sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side , at the moment I will be happy to make a new home for myself and dress as I choose , to be accepted dressed and fit in with my new community may be enough. I know it means wearing a wig and makeup everyday and dressing to do everyday jobs but that is part fulfilling being a woman , I hope it is enough to finally satisfy my inner needs .

[Melissa Pink]

Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful and positive comments. I really do appreciate your insight. I have made up my mind to proceed with my transition. While I understand that we all respond differently to HRT it's extremely helpful to have others that have been down a similar path validate my feelings.

I will respond to each of the valid questions that several of you have raised in another post. Thanks again!

Melissa

[PamelaRI]

Melissa,

I identify with what you are wrestling with. While I'm not at the same point in the process that you are undertaking, for the last year or so, I can say that I'm not comfortable with my male body, but sometimes I want to be completely done with it and other times I think that I'd be OK just with HRT and then there is the counterbalance of my life's responsibilities. Is being happy with my physical appearance and emotional well-being worth the risk of losing my wife and not being able to pay for my child's college or other financial obligations? What if I'm totally wrong about things and I've talked myself into this? Unfortunately, there are perceived financial risks for me to even pursue therapy as I'd have to tell my employer if I do and they may not be very understanding. I know my wife would like me to be "cured." Good luck with your decisions - I wish you the best.

[Patty B.]

At 65 been on HRT for 3 months some changes but like anyone Tg effects vary. Will lose majority of family sad to say, but this is what I've needed unfornately none of this was available 40 years ago. Medical advances have given each of us the opportunity to follow our own path. Define, measure then periodically change, measure as needed or wanted. Good luck and best wishes.

[Rachel Smith]

Unfortunately, there are perceived financial risks for me to even pursue therapy as I'd have to tell my employer if I do and they may not be very understanding.

Pamela

You are under no obligation to tell your employer why you are going to therapy or even that you are. Those arrangements can be made between you and the insurance company and are protected by HIPAA. (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996) is United States legislation that provides data privacy and security provisions for safeguarding medical information.

I certainly wouldn't have done this nor recommend that anyone attempt this w/o proper therapy.

Rachel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I've seen a lot of informal statements from Trans/TS folks who say they got a positive mental effect from hormones. In just the last few months I've been seeing that noted in the medical literature as well. However, no studies say exactly what the mechanism for it is. So, like so much else in Hormone Therapy, it's a "you MAY experience" effect. There's only one way to know if you'll experience it.

I would suggest that if you feel like transition is a choice and not a requirement, you should look into the various "non-binary" options. The TS folks I've known generally don't/didn't feel a lot of choice in their transition -- they HAD to do it. You might find that a non-binary identity resonates with you and eliminates the surgical interventions that you don't feel are right for you.



I can give you an alternate narrative: My transition was triggered by a near-death experience -- I got a preview of the amazing weight of regret I'd have if I didn't pursue this. So suicide was not an option -- I had to transition before I faced death again.

pat this moved me...

the thought i had was not a near death experience...it was just a powerful freight train right into my head.... i saw myself on my deathbed...and i KNEW with NO DOUBT that i would have at that moment regretted my life...what a crushing thought it was..

i couldnt bear it, and i never doubted myself or looked back after that moment..

[Nikki.]

When I have doubts I envision my life in 10-15 years having done nothing in this regard. It fills me with sadness and my doubt goes away...

[PamelaRI]

Rachel,

Thanks, but my position has requirements (fully support by US laws and regulations) that negate some of those protections; however, I should check into it again as there are exceptions to the reporting requirement. I do agree that undertaking transition without proper guidance is a bad idea even though HRT is possible in RI without counseling, I believe.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

HRT really can be a constructive thing to do while things are getting worked out..

I beleive in personal responsibilty and believe an informed person should be able to use hormones. I do also beleive they should do so under a doctors care to minimize the health risk and manage the dosage

[LeaP]

Well yeah, Kaitlyn, but how many people have you run across that declare themselves “informed” about hormones that really aren’t?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I gotta say I do agree with both of you... I guess all im. saying is if you want to screw up your own life, go for it. Probably not great advice on my part!!!

In any case, I hope everyone gets therapy but I know lots of folks eschew it for lots of reasons...

[Mirya]

I'm a big supporter of informed consent for HRT. It's how I and some of my local trans friends started. Actually, I didn't even know if I wanted to transition when I started HRT. I told the doctor at the clinic that I wasn't sure if I should transition or not, and that I hoped taking HRT would help me bring some clarity. She agreed to start me on it, and I began taking a full transitional dose of HRT right away, lol.

It wasn't enough on its own though! I still ended up seeing a therapist after that, because I still wasn't sure if I should transition or what. But after just a few therapy sessions, together with the HRT, I knew that transitioning was the right path for me. And since then, I've had no doubts whatsoever despite rejection from family and the pain and recovery of multiple surgeries. Once I knew, I just knew. And I've never had second thoughts, not even for a second.

[Jeri Ann]

It is important to keep in mind that the human body needs a primary sex hormone for proper functioning and good health. For a genetic male testosterone does this and for a genetic female it is primarily estrogen (estradiol). An HRT regimen for a male to female transsexual typically includes an androgen blocker to shut down the production of testosterone so that the estradiol can have maximum effects. The goal is physical feminization of the body. Long term HRT will almost certainly prevent the male body from ever producing testosterone again. The decision to do HRT should not be taken casually. If the HRT is halted after a long time it could have some serious consequences because there will not be a primary hormone at work. Some of the consequences are osteoporosis, early organ failure, etc.

The desired effects of HRT are slow in coming for most people and, of course, vary from one person to another. My doctor agrees with the consensus of her profession that maximum results occur in two to three years. The "benefits you hope for" that Jentay mentions are simply not obtainable for most people. With an estrogen level knocking the top off of the normal female range all I got is what I got. So, surgery is in my very near future. HRT can't be an experiment. Very little happens in a short amount of time. HRT is a life-long commitment.

As regards transitioning, like Mirya, Kaitlyn and others here I have no regrets despite the rejection of many. It is not that they don't matter to me, it's that I cannot even contemplate pretending to be male ever again. I have given up almost everything I ever had in order to finally be myself. Anything and everything I have done, or need to do, is worth it.

I do need some clarification on one thing though. What exactly is being referred to when someone says their dysphoria comes and goes? If it is gender dysphoria I didn't know it did that. Explain please.

[JohnH]

I guess I'm the odd man out. As my signature states I have been on M2F HRT for quite some time. I am continuing the regimen even though I live as a man and will continue to do so. I have toyed with the idea of socially transitioning to a woman, taking on the name of Johanna but now I go by my birth name John.

Thank goodness for the HRT, as I am no longer chronically depressed or suicidal, and I no longer drink to excess. I look very much like a genetic woman but I have a deep masculine voice.

[PamelaRI]

I do need some clarification on one thing though. What exactly is being referred to when someone says their dysphoria comes and goes? If it is gender dysphoria I didn't know it did that. Explain please.

I can't say that it comes and goes, but there are times where the fear of change and the loss that brave soles like you have endured outweighs the feeling of dysphoria while I question if I'm brainwashing myself. Then there are other times when I just absolutely hate looking at myself in male form. Most of the time, I just wonder if I turned the dial a little more toward feminine would I be happier with myself. I can't say that I'm ever depressed or want to do myself harm, but I know that I can become introverted and grumpy at times.

[LeaP]

... I guess all im. saying is if you want to screw up your own life, go for it.

That’s sort of an end-of-the-discussion, after-all-has-been-said statement. You spend too much time counseling and educating people for me to believe you start with that position.

I agree that people need to be free to do as they want in the end. The (accurate) perception that people screw up their lives, however, reflects the reality that they either don’t understand, don’t believe, or gamble and lose, willfully proceeding despite bright red flags snapping in the wind. All too often, we become aware when they complain about it.

Is it too much to ask that the advocates of the “sign and swallow” line of thinking have the good grace to accept consequence as readily as opportunity?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

hmmm
excellent observation
maybe trying to hard to agree with you!!

in my mind there is a balance between the medical risks of HRT and the mental and emotional effects of HRT vs the idea somehow a person shouldnt try it
i hope everyone can get a doctor and a therapist and have tons of support through all of this, but i know that's not possible..and im aware my own opinion is totally unmedical..just a layman's view

i wish it were easier, and probably more than anyone here Lea, you know the details of all this stuff...i dont...

in my own HRT life, i recently faced a significant heart arrythmia issue, including an ablation... i never had these issues before HRT... one doctor told me it had nothing to do with HRT, another said it did and also noted my cholesterol spiked up as well...in my mind No F Way was i going to stop my HRT, but i did drop the dose just a little bit...i considered even doctor shopping to find another one that said it was ok...heh

my arrythmia is not life threatening (supposedly), but i failed my stress test and im told the burden on my heart could impact me in the future.... will that get me stop?? nope...at least not today
also i beleive if i cut out the HRT completely m-y quality of life will suffer in a number of ways

so yeah its complicated, and if im screwing up my own health and life, as of now, im doing what i need to do to keep myself ok..i dont think i am but i have to accept the risk of consequence and accept some of my decision is based on hope that in my case i stay healthy...

[Sarah Doepner]

I do need some clarification on one thing though. What exactly is being referred to when someone says their dysphoria comes and goes? If it is gender dysphoria I didn't know it did that. Explain please.

Jeri Ann,

I'm on the outside looking in and I've said this same sort of thing from time to time, but I think it's more of a misstatement of the feeling.

For me, it's not a matter of the dysphoria coming and going, it's how strongly it manifests in my daily life. There have been times where I've been curled up on the bed crying out loud I want to be a woman and would start HRT in a heartbeat. Other times the feeling is suppressed or hidden by other things going on in my life. However, it seems that it's always there, just below the surface and any scratch will bring it to the front of my mind. I've spent much of my adult life attempting to "treat" my dysphoria with doses of crossdressing. It used to work fairly well, but not as well now. I used to be able to find activities that allowed me the focus that forced me to pay attention to only that activity; work or play, physical or mental. Thoughts of gender became extraneous to the process. As I've aged, becoming more sedentary, retired from work and family grown, moved away or dead, that barrier between my dysphoria and the rest of my life has become very thin and almost transparent. It's not something that causes pain, but it is something that stays beside me much of the time.

As I look back now I believe my dysphoria may have been a constant all my life, it's just there were times and activities that were sufficient to bury it under layers of "normalcy", and other times it was able to surface. I don't know, but this is my take on it for now and I'd like to see if others see it that way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

sounds very similar to what lots of middle age and older folks say...

its confusing and distressing to EVER feel that bad dysphoria....I compartmentalized it... I could rephrase that and say it "comes and goes"...what happened is I could no longer compartmentalize it...I became more aware of it and its hard to describe it...but in 2009 there was so much more info than during all those years I suffered totally alone...thinking my secret self hating and shamed thoughts...WHY WHY WHY ME??? ...but in 2007 timeframe I learned others had similar thoughts and that it was possible to transition...I had convinced myself it was impossible, i...but I met people in the community, went to therapy and I read my articles online and once the dam opened that was that... there was zero doubt and I could only manage the dysphoria by plowing ahead...the impossible became possible and that's probably what blew me up...... if you are not there, if you can manage it, there is always an argument that its not "TS"but I don't buy that at all.... and if you can manage a life around that, keep your friends, family, job etc, it can help rationalize living as male....however if you are ts, there is a really good chance a day will come that what happened to me will happen to you...no matter what you try to rationalize...

[LeaP]

Re: arrhythmia - A LOT of things can cause this, as you know, including cholesterol issues, which you specifically mentioned. Estrogen in hormone replacement regimens can affect one part of the heart’s electrical cycle, but as far as I know hasn’t been looked at specifically in TS.

Spiro is well-known for causing potassium problems (I’m affected) and sodium/potassium imbalances can also cause arrythymias and even arrest. You obviously don’t take Spiro, though.

[Nikki.]

@ Sarah:

I’ve written before in the tg section....I had the desire to be a girl as a kid. It went away during high school, or at least I don’t recall thinking about it. Then after, while in college the feelings came roaring back, I started buying clothes, taking risks and really thought about transitioning. I was madly in love with my then girlfriend, now wife, and while she was ok with bedroom CDing, she freaked out at full female presentation.

So I descended into denial and compartamentalization. The thoughts of actually living as a woman seemed like an unobtainable pipe dream. So when the thoughts crept into my head, I quickly changed the mental subject. I’m convinced the above plus staying really preoccupied with marriage, kids, college, grad school, buying/fixing/selling houses, career and hobbies all helped to keep the dysphoria at bay. plus I was super paranoid that if I ever looked for trans related stuff online, somehow people would discover my shameful secret.

So I didn’t, until about two years ago. I read other people’s stories and reached the then terrifying conclusion I was trans. And so for the next year and a half i cycled through shame, depression, transphobia and GD that varied from very intense to background noise.

I went to a few appts with a very experienced gender therapist, I met a variety of trans people in real life and I read blogs and reached the conclusions that:

-My label doesn’t matter. It’s perfectly ok to have a back story of wishing to be a female, having dysphoria over it, but never believing you were one and if transitioned, to identifying as a trans whatever without claiming to be a woman. (just as it’s ok to believe you are in fact a woman if that works for you.)
-There’s a lot of in-fighting and venom online amongst t people. haters be hating, can’t we all just get along?
-I need to be out and about part time for now. It’s an identity thing for me.
-I need to make progress...a glacial pace transition away from male.
-I may end up full time, but not for a long time. I have stakeholders in my life and being fully out right now will have a negative effect on them that will be reduced or eliminated if I wait. I realize I’m lucky in this regard. I also realize, with the help of my therapist, that based on her experience, someone with my background may experience increasing GD and my timeline may have to compress.

And so with the above, the gender misalignment is always on my mind but it’s not driving me nuts anymore. Occasionally my mind starts to drift down the woah is me path, why can’t I be full time, I would look just like her, I really don’t want to do xyz as a guy anymore, etc. I mentally refocus and think about what I am doing that’s positive. Being at work helps too.

Good luck.