Help with the feeling of guilt

[Leslieluv]

So this year has been a crazy year for me and my dressing. I came out to my so last feb and ever scince i have been very obsessive with my dressing. I have freedoom that i never had before. We agreed upon that i will just dress when she leaves to visit her folks. Which she does a couple time a year. Well this week she went to visit. Why all the sudden this time i feel so much self guilt. I some what feel im progressing to fast. But i dont really know becuase its all so new Have you ladies experienced this before.and how do i deal with this

[Jaymees22]

It doesn't sound to me like you're moving too fast. A wise person told me that life is too short to feel guilty, so I go with that. Anyway think of dressing as a guilty pleasure problem solved..Hugs Jaymee

[Kelly DeWinter]

There's true guilt for things you do wrong and false guilt for things you think you did wrong but have not. Possibly it's because you have freedom to do what you want, but feel guilty doing it when she is out of town. Do something nice for your SO like scrub the kitchen and bathrooms while she out of town and have flowers waiting for her when she gets home as a gesture of appreciation.

[Teresa]

Leslie,
I found some guilt from dressing behind my wife's back , she did know eventually but I never got over the feeling of guiltily waiting for her to leave the house and then feel she's almost reluctant to walk back through the front door . I now find dressing means something more , snatched moments for the buzz have long gone , being caught feels a ridiculous situation now. I feel Kelly has the answer when you do dress do something to please or help your wife , they like nothing more than to walk into a clean and tidy house maybe even some touching up on areas that may have become shabby, ( no I don't mean your makeup ! ). My wife would really vent on me if she knew I'd dressed and there were still dirty dishes in the sink, at least I could have stacked them in the dishwasher .

[DaisyLawrence]

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Problem solved. Next customer please.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

There's no magic bullet to dealing with feelings of guilt, but therapy is a great place to start.

Crossdressing is not illegal. It isn't bad for your health. It can cause problems for other people, but only because they themselves are conditioned to believe that it is somehow 'a bad thing'.

You were conditioned to behave in traditionally masculine ways. The feelings you are experiencing are confusing to you. After childhood it is far harder to accept change, and the urge to crossdress is confusing because it doesn't fit in with what you thought you knew about yourself.

Your feelings are further confused because you fear what your wife, and perhaps others, will think. Will they reject you? Will you lose your SO? Will these painful feelings of guilt remain with you for ever?

Your wife has been as tolerant as she feels she can be, which is positive. If your love for each other is strong, and you feel able, perhaps the best thing is to talk to her again about how you're feeling. And do consider therapy- but beware that there are many types of therapist and it's important to find one who is trained to deal with gender dysphoria, rather than picking the most convenient to drive to.

I recommend you write more here, as writing out your thoughts and feelings is very helpful to increasing your understanding of yourself.

Hugs, Nikki

[jennifer0918]

Not guilty

[Maria_mtf]

Have you spoken to your SO about your guilt? Maybe if she tells you not to feel guilty it will be as simple as that.

[Monique65]

Although I reached an acceptance of my femme side long ago, I do find solace and comfort in reading other girl's experiences on this forum. It is very reassuring to discover that I am not alone, and that there are many who have had the same ups and downs as I. My advise is to put on a pretty pair of panties and a matching bra and spend some quality time here.

[alwayshave]

In the past I have felt guilty about my dressing. Of course having been raised Catholic I pretty much felt guilty about everything. At this point I know how I dress effects no one but me and my fiancee who knows and supports. Therefore nothing to be guilty about.

[Sidney]

You are perceiving yourself guilty because of what others think. I and probably many on this forum have felt guilty about our dressing. I agree with what a few have said in this thread. Number one you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Number two find a therapist who deals with gender issues. I started counceling and it definitely helped me to realize I had no guilt. I still see her once a week. She has helped me learn to know Yendis but to embrace and love her. I hope you find and love yourself?

[Pat]

You feel guilt when you do something you think is wrong. If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong. No amount of us telling you that you're not doing anything wrong will help -- you have to tell yourself and believe it. Are you doing something different this time than other times? Something that crosses an internal line?

[Ressie]

Dressing two times a year doesn't sound like freedom or obsessive to me. If she's gone for a week and you dress the entire time she's gone, that's a different story. I can understand feeling guilty about it though. I think the guilt comes from your wife not really approving of you crossdressing. You probably also aren't telling her how involved you are in it. Like many here, a DADT situation is kind of not being completely truthful since you're not allowed to share what you're going through.

[Tina Davis]

You feel guilt when you do something you think is wrong. If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong.

In my case, I don't feel guilty about dressing, I feel guilty about hiding it from my wife. She knows I have dressed before and is opposed to all of it. I know that we should talk about it but I don't think it will end well. It's not the best but I make the most of the few times I get each year.

So my advice to the OP is to realize that the time you are getting is precious and accept that your SO is giving it to you with love and support. While she's gone, be the best Leslie you can, and when she comes home, be the best man for her to show your love and support for her. Good luck! :hugs:

[JeanTG]

IMHO, "freedom" and "obsession" are mutually exclusive words. If you are obsessed by something, it owns you, not the other way around. If I have the "freedom" to engage in my obsession, it's really a snare trap. Then when the opportunity to dress isn't there, I end up feeling miserable. When I go down the CD rabbit hole, it's really tough to come out of it and every other aspect of my life suffers as a result, but most especially my marriage.

Those times when I manage to shake off the obsession, is when I truly feel free and content, and able to indulge in other interests. So I am working on identifying and eliminating the triggers. For me, anxiety is a big one. A recent medication change greatly reduced my anxiety. I was so anxious I had trouble getting myself out the door and into the world.

[Gillian Gigs]

Dressing can be like the kid in the candy store, they eat until they are sick. Letting the dressing go overboard can do similar things in your head.

I agree with Pat, who said, "You feel guilt when you do something you think is wrong. If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong. No amount of us telling you that you're not doing anything wrong will help -- you have to tell yourself and believe it. Are you doing something different this time than other times? Something that crosses an internal line?"

Examples of how I dealt with my guilt;
1. The guilt did start to ease up when I put my panties and lingerie in the laundry hamper for the regular wash.
2. I totally got over my guilt feelings when I started to dress regularly in front of my wife. She can come home from work, and there I am dressed as I desire. I don't sneak around, or hide anything from her anymore.

My wife started off by being accepting with reservations, and it has since moved to total acceptance. This has been a long process with a lot of love and patiences from both sides. Don't mess it up by moving too fast!

[Kandi Robbins]

50+ years of agonizing guilt. Then the epiphany! I know it's cliche, but it's true. We only get one crack at life and as we all know, these feelings NEVER go away. We can manage them, but we can never get rid of them What to do? Accept them and love yourself. Once you do that (not easy, I know, which is why it me took almost 50 years), the guilt goes away and it is replaced by a joy you cannot imagine. Been there, done that!

[DIANEF]

Your wife knows you dress, you agree not to do it front of her, you only get limited time, why on Earth should you feel guilty. Just enjoy it!!

[Tracii G]

If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong. No amount of us telling you that you're not doing anything wrong will help.

Pat How can you make that assumption so emphatically when you don't even know her and her wife personally.
You are doing that implication thing again without knowing the facts.

[Rayleen]

Not guilty either, never was.

[Devi SM]

For me guilty is a word that I use when in court for a traffic ticket. If you declare yourself innocent have to go to judgment and prove your innocence to the jury.
That's a waste of time of the public, court system and everybody, so better be guilty.
Are you in court? No.
If you're a believer, I am not one even I was a christian pastor, Guilty is a lie from the very beginning that Eve pay attention to the words of the snake. The snake put the desire for the forbidden fruit and then when the trespasses happen she put the feelings of guilty, shame and fear.
All those are lies.
Now if you're not a believer, better, guilty for what? Do not analyze, erase from your mind, you are what you are, there's not sin on it.
Don't worry, be happy (with music sound at the background)

[docrobbysherry]

Do u actually tell your SO that u dressed? Or, that u will? It mite be as simple as that!:battingeyelashes:

[Stephanie47]

You're probably feeling guilty because you're having too much pleasure and you're not sharing it with her. I do not feel guilty about my cross dressing in relation to my wife because it is her choice to not be involved in this part of me.

[Pat]

You feel guilt when you do something you think is wrong. If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong. No amount of us telling you that you're not doing anything wrong will help

Pat How can you make that assumption so emphatically when you don't even know her and her wife personally.

Tracii, please feel free to explain my error. Perhaps I misunderstand the origins of guilt.

[Lydianne]

I was thinking what Stephanie47 said in #23 ( but in place of "pleasure", I had "true self" ). That would be what I would feel if I were in a relationship where I was . . . not necessarily "waiting" for my SO to leave as such, but taking the opportunity when she had left so that I could become what I know to be my true self.

But the OP and I are probably very different people with different feelings.

@Vanessa: Guilty? . . In court for a traffic offense? :thinking:. I call that . . "Tuesday!" :rolleyes:. Just kidding! :tongueout . Actually, "Wednesday." <cough!>, <cough!>, <cough!>

- Lydianne.

[Rayleen]

in # 20.....Not feeling any guilt about crossdressing, My so knows here too and agrees.

Perfectly normal for us . Very enjoyable for both of us.

[Tina_gm]

You feel guilt when you do something you think is wrong. If you're feeling guilt about dressing, that implies that internally you think you're doing something wrong. No amount of us telling you that you're not doing anything wrong will help -- you have to tell yourself and believe it. Are you doing something different this time than other times? Something that crosses an internal line?

I was thinking similarly Pat. It is not going to help much saying to anyone they are not doing anything wrong, or don't feel or they don't need to feel guilty. Guilt is an internal mechanism of emotion. It may often be a misaligned feeling, but it is there never the less. I think too many of us try too hard to not feel guilty when what we should be doing is to adjust our lives in some way, which I am not in any way implying not dressing or expressing ourselves in a feminine manner, but to adjust what and how we are going about doing so. Either further communication with those who know, specifically our partners, or different times, different ways, more or less etc etc.

One last thing I would like to add, and that is the social pressure of being told what we are doing is wrong, weird, perverted, mentally ill etc etc. The negative connotations go on forever. The mostly negative responses from people in general about it make what it is about us (being feminine) to whatever extent hard to overcome when society screams at us that it is wrong. We are forever having to swim upstream with just our own acceptance of ourselves. Maybe one thing that helps us is to surround ourselves as best we can with more open minded people, in areas or a community that does not object so strongly. I live in an area that has a very low tolerance to us. If it wasn't for how close I am to retiring I'd be gone. My wife is as eager to leave the area (for different reasons) as I am, but a full retirement is what it is. So, I am sticking it out where I am at for a couple more years. When I do travel, and especially when I have traveled to areas where there is vastly more acceptance It helps tremendously. Those areas are not so filled with toxic masculinity and it is amazing how much happier and friendly people are in general, even the most vanilla of people in those areas just have a different and much more positive vibe to them.

[kimdl93]

Most of us here are experts at feeling guilt. The question of why you feel guilty...I suppose each has their unique version, but in broad strokes we can feel guilty about doing something we have believed to be bad, or doing something that may not be bad in and of itself, but for some reason we believe has been or will be hurtful to others. Neither feeling is wrong.

Perhaps you feel the latter....as you say...that progressing ‘too fast’ may hurt your relationship. That’s a reasonable concern. If you fear you’re obsessing over dressing, perhaps some counseling might help. If you feel what you are doing is too much too soon, slow down. And since you are out, ask your wife how she is feeling about this.

[Tina_gm]

Kim, sometimes we need to hear their thoughts even though they may not be what we want to hear. At least that way we have a better understanding of their view, and can avoid certain awkward or uncomfortable situations. They will still occur, I definitely run into them at times, but maybe not as often and that truth even though unpleasant when it comes to our partners does help us in the long run.

[Ms. Maybe]

So this year has been a crazy year for me and my dressing. I came out to my so last feb and ever scince i have been very obsessive with my dressing. I have freedoom that i never had before. We agreed upon that i will just dress when she leaves to visit her folks. Which she does a couple time a year. Well this week she went to visit. Why all the sudden this time i feel so much self guilt. I some what feel im progressing to fast. But i dont really know becuase its all so new Have you ladies experienced this before.and how do i deal with this

You feel guilty because you're doing something your SO doesn't like. If she fully supported it, there wouldn't be that "only when I'm out with my parents " rule. You've done nothing intrinsically wrong. The guilt (imao) would be no different than if your SO asked you not to swear around her and then you dropped an f bomb. Neither are harmful in an absolute sense, they're just things other people may not like.

[Becky Blue]

Leslie, I have never felt any guilt about anything Becky has done, be it dressing, going out even buying myself things. I do feel some guilt about not telling my wife, but my reasons are what I believe to be in her best interests. It would seem to me that your guilt probably relates to your wife's reaction to your dressing. Although she is accepting, the fact that you have agreed to only dress when she is away would indicate she is not that happy with it all, thus your guilt.

[Fiona123]

I feel guilt along with depression, stress and anxiety. I am dadt with my spouse and like you I came out in early 2017 to her. It's not going well. I deal with the guilt and depression by hitting the gym almost daily and seeing a therapist.

[ClosetED]

Did she make comments about your dressing time that makes you feel guilty? That you are spending too much money or not doing other things she wanted done? That she was Ok with a "man in a dress" and now you are looking too feminine, that you feel guilty about how she might feel about that?
Hugs, Ellen

[Devi SM]

I feel guilt along with depression, stress and anxiety. I am dadt with my spouse and like you I came out in early 2017 to her. It's not going well. I deal with the guilt and depression by hitting the gym almost daily and seeing a therapist.

Fiona I really feel sorry for you because I had been in your shoes more than once but not depressive which, IMHO, if persist takes the form of a mental illness and must be treated.
I learn that we have so much power in our mind.
I was a Christian pastor and saw so many miracles happen and supernatural stuff but not related with any God.
So I learned to deal with guilty Wich is from the Bible perspective a lie, the more we think on it, it grows more and have more power to make us weak enough to see the about who we really are.
So all the bad feelings must be erradicated from the mind as well fear and preoccupation .
We usually preoccupied on things that never happen.
Now may be the DADT with your wife being consuming your peace, so you should be able to insist in opening ways to talk about your cding with your wife trying to find common points between you both on this, like love to each other, if she loves you, she should be able to make efforts not to understand you (which is hard even for ourselves) but try to support your need as well I'm sure you support hers.
The base of a relationship is communication, affinity and reality. If one of them doesn't work this relationship will be for sure seized and weaked and your fears will be truth.