What do your kids call you post transition?

[Caroline Varg]

Last week I had the big talk with my kids, aged 12, 12 and 7, that daddy is in fact a woman in his mind, and that he will start lives as a woman. It went very well, and was not controversial at all. They have all seen me dressed up as Caroline on several occasions, both with and without makeup. My dear wife added comfort by joining the kids when I talked to them. In fact, we all plan to continue as a family post transition.

I'm curious to know if any of you have insights in what works best for kids to call a daddy that starts living as a woman. Will "daddy" continue to work, or just "Caroline"? I don't feel like a mom, and I centainly don't want to compete with my wife for that role. My wife is the typical housewife and I'm the typical working breadwinner in the family.

[Pat]

One famous trans woman's kids called her "Maddy."

For me, I hold the title of Dad to be hard-earned and I won't give it up - I told my kids that only two people on the planet have the right to call me that and I'd be heart-broken if they stopped. My TS girlfriend's daughter still calls her Dad in most settings but will call her by her name when amongst muggles.

[AllieSF]

Fommy, (Father + Mommy), or some other derivation. Daddy should just work fine if you can deal with it in public.

[Caroline Varg]

Ah, an important aspect for me to consider - “what I can deal with in public”. Need to think about that

[Ashley in Virginia]

Mine call me dad at home, and by my first name when we are in public. Sometimes they call me dad in public. It really doesn't matter to me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

They call me dad. Im their dad!!

Outside they call me Kait or Kaitykait (lol...yes they call me that)

and sometimes they do say dad too...sometimes i say "im their dad actually" in certain situations..

the less its a big deal, the better in my opinion

[Nigella]

Amy has always called me dad, and I'm a proud dad :) I know of one TS who told their kids "I'm no longer your Dad, I'm your Mum", bad move in my mind :(

[Teresa]

Pat,
That is a very interesting answer , and something I may have to consider , I'd never thought about it as a title that had to be earned . In this modern age when babies can be sourced anonymously being a true father is something we should cherish .

[Pat]

It's probably splitting hairs, but to me a father contributes half a strand of DNA to their child. A Dad raises them, helps build their character and guides them along their path until they can continue on themselves. A Dad badge is beyond price. ;)

[Peta_T]

Pat,
That is a very interesting answer , and something I may have to consider , I'd never thought about it as a title that had to be earned . In this modern age when babies can be sourced anonymously being a true father is something we should cherish .


I actually look at it the other way, it is really easy to "father" a child, all it takes is a "few" minutes. :D
However being a "Dad" is an earned title that takes a lifetime. A lifetime of always being there for your kids when they need you, regardless of what that need is or what you are doing at the time.

Let me ask you a serious question Caroline, Will your transition change how you feel/act/care for your kids? (I suspect not even a little bit)
You will always be "Dad" to them. The title they use, is really just a word, they will sort out what they are happy with.

[Teresa]

Peta,
Yes but those few minutes are part of the memories of becoming a father , as a young couple in love , no matter what happens nothing can take that away .

By coincidence today I had a conversation with my brother in law about my separation and my Cding he shook me by the hand and told me no one could have done more for his family and fulfilling my needs now was not selfish but earned and they all had the highest respect for me. This guy is not one to dish out comments like this lightly , I certainly didn't expect it .

[Megan G]

If you're looking for your wife or ex-wife to absolutely, unequivocally and justifiably hate your guts, this one would put you off and running.....lol


I know of one TS who told their kids "I'm no longer your Dad, I'm your Mum", bad move in my mind :(


the less its a big deal, the better in my opinion

I totally agree with the above 3 quotes....

For the record my 11yo calls me dad, in public, in private... everywhere. Does it make people look and wonder occasionally...sure but who the heck cares!! That is my son and he can call me what ever he feels comfortable with. I will NEVER be his mother and i would never in a million years ask him to call me that.

As Kaitlyn said, the less of a big deal it is the better...this can’t be all about us... you HAVE to think of others also....

[Peggie Lee]

My kids call me Dad, too everyone outside the family I'm Peggy, my grandkids call me grandpa Peggy.

[Danni Renee]

My eldest daughter (20) calls me Dani or only occasionally Dad. My youngest (16) calls me Dad which is good. She used to call me Bubba🤢

[Rachel Smith]

She doesn't. True but said with a humorous intent.

[Ceera]

My daughter and I discussed this already, though I am early in my transition. She is 22, and lives with me still, and is my only child. Her mom died while my daughter was in her senior year in high school.

"Mom" is a term she does not want to use in regards to me. That name will forever in her mind be associated with her deceased biological mother, both for the good and bad associations which those memories have for her. Her suggestion, made on the day I came out to her, at the very start of my accepting my feminine side, is that when in public with me and I am en-femme, she prefers to call me her aunt. After all, a female version of my male self is pretty much 'my sister', and thus would be her aunt. I accepted this happily. Since she is also an anime fan, and we are both multilingual, and since my current female surname of "Murakami" is Japanese in origin, she often calls me "Obaa-san", which is 'aunt' in Japanese. And that's extremely close to calling me 'mother' in Japanese as well, as mother is "Oba-san", with a shorter 'a' syllable.

Within the Society for Creative Anachronism, where we each have 'historical personas', I am called 'aunt' by her, and I call her my niece. But I say, "My mother and her father's mother were twin sisters. So I am really her father's first cousin, which makes me her 'first cousin once removed', or some such. Quite too much of a mouthful for a child, you do understand. But her father and I have always been as close as any siblings, and as I am of the same generation as her father, its always been much simpler and more respectful for her to call me her aunt, and for me to call her my niece."

In private my daughter might still call me 'dad' - especially when I don't happen to be en-femme. But when I go full time she will pretty much always call me her aunt. She does not care if I refer to her as my niece or as my daughter, and most often I will refer to her as 'daughter' if it is just our friends around or in facebook posts, and 'niece' if dealing with strangers who have heard me called her aunt by her.

In the rare cases where it somehow matters for legal reasons, we still use dad and daughter (or will use mom and daughter after I get my gender marker changed).

I have three nieces and a nephew who I am also already out to. They are all cool with calling me "Aunt Ceera" if I am around them as a woman.

[Anne K]

Caroline, I read your post and my mind went to a beautiful, haunting song by Rufus Wainwright, "Montauk". He sings to his children about their two dads, parental relationships, and I detect a possibly unfulfilled visit from the kids. For me, this begs the same question, "What will our children call those of us in a non traditional marriage?" In the Amazon Series, "Transparent", the adult kids call the main TG character, Dad. I came out to my 28 year old daughter 3 months ago and she mostly calls me dad, occasionally Joyce.

You are in a different situation. Your kids are young. I suspect your kids will gravitate to what is most comfortable for them and evolve from there. I would like to know about that evolution. Sounds fascinating.

[Teresa]

Jentay,
The only way to be totally free of all that is to walk away completely , not many of us could do that , word games are part of life even without our complications .

[VanTG]

I know a couple people who are still called dad. I don't really think it makes that much of a difference, you will always be a parent of theres and so why not come up with something different. Come up with some words that they and you only know what they mean. It could be like instread of Dad, use peanut butter, and instead of mom, use Banana. Just an idea but I wouldn't let it be a big issue.

[Caroline Varg]

Let me conclude this thread by thanking you all for your very kind responses. I have given it serious thought, and also watched my kids when I even more frequently present myself as Caroline at home. It will most lileky be "dad" for quite some time.

There are other things that I wonder about, e.g., what will the friends of my kids call me, and what will their parents call me? Maybe some of them will use something more gender neutral as "parent"?

In any case, I will post an update later in the spring!

[Jenna Stunned]

Great thread, I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. But as my kids are 4 years old and 20 months I guess they are just gonna call me daddy no matter where I am. Full time should be coming in May so I have some time to think about this but they are so young its not something they could understand i suppose. Being called Daddy in public while present female will just have to be something i need to get used to. Im sure there will be odd looks but I guess it just comes with the territory.

[Jenny22]

Though the OP closed, let me offer "Maddy" or "Dommy."

[Nicole Erin]

Using your first name in public but calling you "dad" at home seems a good option.

I personally feel that those who knew us before transition should have the right to use old pronouns at least.

[pamela7]

i'm "during" transition medically but post-transition socially. My bio kids call me dad, my stepkids call me Pam. They try with the pronouns, sometimes they slip out of old habit, and it's not a problem.

Actually, I'm finding it difficult when shop assistants "sir" me when I'm in a skirt and clearly dressed/presenting as female, which is something that has happened 3 times in the last week.

[Pat]

I personally feel that those who knew us before transition should have the right to use old pronouns at least.

I don't think I'd sign up for having it be a right, but certainly folks who knew us from before and are using the pronouns respectfully should be handled gently and granted more forgiveness.