What If Your Son Repeats The Cycle?

[Eric/a]

With several other threads we've had lately being about "what if this" and "what if that," I've been thinking about one that might be a good question for anybody who has a son, either now or in the future. I'm curious as to how you'd react if you had one who turned out to be a "chip off the old block," so to speak, and started to dress up around the same age you did. From the posts I've read and the chats I've had on this site, that was probably at around 12 or 13 for most of us, give or take a year. Let's say he reaches that age range and you catch him or otherwise learn that he's been trying on some of his mother's, his sister's, or maybe even your fem articles, which would probably be even worse! Any idea how you'd respond?

There are many possible ways to go, but for us I don't think the "No, Billy, boys don't wear things like that" speech would be an option. If we did the same thing at their age, and they know we did, that approach would be pretty much out the window! We probably also wouldn't want to pick the other extreme and do anything to encourage them to go further along with it than they already have. If they enjoy it and want to go further, they'll do that by themselves, and I think most of us are living proof of that. Are there any sort of "middle ground" steps that can be taken instead?

If they show an interest in going the whole nine yards - lingerie, dresses, hose, high heels, make-up, etc., I wonder if it would be more effective to show them how expensive it is and how much work and practice it takes, instead of trying to say it's wrong. As they'll probably see it, it wasn't "wrong" enough to stop us, so why should it stop them? If they had a chance to try all that once, say, for Halloween in some kind of a girl costume - ballerina, beauty queen, French maid, school girl, whatever - they might see it's a lot of time and effort for something their chances to enjoy would be few and far between at best, and then only for a very short time. For lack of a better comparison, it would be sort of like somebody living in Cedar Falls, Iowa buying a season pass to Walt Disney World. That city just popped into my head for some reason - no offense to anyone living there! - but it's a good example of a huge waste of money on something they wouldn't get enough chances to enjoy to make it worthwhile. They might even reconsider whether or not it's enough "fun" to be worth all the trouble it took.

It might be different if what he tried on were something he could wear on a regular basis. For instance, if you found that he liked to sleep in his sister's shortie babydoll gowns and ruffled "rhumba" panties (one of the other threads got me thinking about those!), would there be any harm in letting him have a few of his own to wear to bed, so he doesn't bother any of his sister's stuff? The only difference would be that now he won't have to wait until everyone else has gone to bed and "the coast is clear" before he fumbles around in the dark to take off his pajamas, find his sister's things wherever he hid them, and then put them on - a little memory of some of my own experiences there! Best of all, you'll probably never again have to tell him to get ready for bed. He'll have his own reason for looking forward to it. Of course, it might be best to keep a few pairs of "boy" pajamas handy for whenever he's got a friend staying over!

There may be other approaches I haven't listed, like reading articles on the subject and talking to counselors, but even the so-called "experts" don't agree on one rule that's supposed to work for everybody. If any of you have ever had a son who's either started experimenting or showing signs that he might be curious, it would be interesting to see what insights you could offer on what works and what doesn't.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Well, for one thing the "no billy, boys don't..." would be sort of childish a thing to say to a 12-13 year old (I was more like 5 or 6, though.)

I think the best way to handle this would be to sit down with him and his mother and just talk about it. Find out how curious he was about it, is it something he's been thinking about for a while, or is it something he's just playing with cause he's seen his dad do it?

Then, if it is something he's seriously thinking about, I'd talk with his mother and just see about purchasing some clothing for him to wear at home and get a feel for it to see if he really likes it, but stress for him that there are a lot of people who would give him a hard time about it and that he would need to be very careful to only let people know about it if he was willing to deal with the consequences. Let him experiment basically to see if it's something he'd want to continue doing, and then let him make up his own mind about it. I think it would be a bad idea to try to push him one way or the other.

But I wonder if a lot of us would have not had as strong a desire to dress now had we been given the freedom to explore our curiosity when we were younger and still developing mentally. Or would it really have been a phase that we worked through, but since it was such a forbidden thing we just sort of buried it deep into our psyche's making it such a strong impulse now? Just some food for thought.

[Kimberley]

A loaded question for sure and one I thought of. My son is now grown as is my daughter.

First I would try to assure him that it is okay and no matter what others say or think it is okay but to be discretionary because not all people think like this. Next I would try to find out the depth of his gender issues and I would not be afraid to share with him but only in a positive light. Finally, I would go with him to help him bring this to his mother and siblings. The one thing I would not stand for is nonacceptance by any family member even if it meant taking him out of the family. A tough choice I know but one that I would do just to protect him.

Finally, I would give whatever support he needed. Of course all of this is on the assumption that it is a son, but there would be no difference if it was my daughter. I would do whatever it takes to protect them and try to ensure their happiness and self acceptance.

I would not want them to have to live my life's history.

Kimberley.

[Rikkicn]

I've learned alot and today I'll answer that much different than I would have a few years ago.
I would say. "hey that's great! now you have so many other kinds of clothing you can wear."
I would find an experienced, warm and loving gender threrapist. I would want us both to know the depth of his feeling about this and to investigate the possibility that he could be transexual. If that was the case then we would consider transistion at the apporpriate time.
I would also make sure that we were living in an area that was diverse and accepting. I would find a school were the way he dressed wasn't a concern with the administration, other students and parents would be warm and welcoming.
I actually know a couple who discovered this in there son and did all that I just mentioned.
It was big adjustment for the family but it's working really well for them.
Thanks for asking the question

Rikki

[KarenNY]

Wow, this is something I would have to think about. Part of my CDing behavior started because I had no male role models growing up. I was an only child, mom was divorced, and I started getting into her things around age 7. She found me out when I was in seventh grade, but she chose to be supportive and accepting rather than being totally against my dressing. Her acceptance provided me with a sort of safe harbor to indulge my CDing desires.

I really am not sure what I would do in the same situation with my own son. For one thing, it would not be the same situation. My son has a sister who is only a little bit older, and two parents who love each other -- something that might have had an effect on my CDing behaviors (and my mother's acceptance of it) if I had grown up under those circumstances. Neither of my children know that I am a CDer, they are 6 and 7 now, nor do I really want them to find out. So far my son has shown no interest in girls clothing, even though he has a sister and all of his cousins are girls. Outside of the occasional dressing I am able to do when no one is home, I am pretty dormant because my wife is not tolerant of my CDing. I would imagine she would take the same tack with our son if we found out he was CDing in a few years. Not that my wife would fly off the handle over it, but I would probably be a little more reasonable about it and have a discussion with him. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable talking with my wife about it, since he does not know that I dress, but my wife would certainly not be sympathetic the way my own mother was, nor would I expect her to be. We would both probably want to discourage him, I think, because the fear of discovery and ridicule or ostracism by my extended family and friends was something I dealt with, and it wasn't that much fun. We would also be concerned for his safety, as my mother probably was also.

I have mixed feelings about it -- I would probably feel a little guilty for wanting to discourage something that I enjoyed as a young person. But I would want what's best for my son, maybe spare him some of the painful things I went through, or put myself through... and yes, it's also an expensive habit -- I maintained two separate wardrobes (boy and girl) for many years... think how much money I would have saved with one...

[Jennaie]

You havn't lost a son, you've gained a daughter.:cheeky:

[GypsyKaren]

I can answer this quickly and easily...all I want is for my kids to be happy and well, I don't care what kind of clothes they wear to achieve that.

Karen

[Stacie Stockman]

I would tell him not to wear his heels on the grass, unless hes trying to aerate the ground.

[ReginaK]

Is it wrong to say i'd be kinda happy? It's something we could share (if he wanted to). I'd rather have a son who was "in tune" with his feminine side, than one who is the traditional "dog" type of male. And most importantly, i'd accept him and even help if his TG issues ran even deeper than just crossdressing.

[Daintre]

I have son who is also a TG, not to go into any details here, like Karen has stated, it doesn't matter to me what he wears, his happiness is most important to me. I do know that I support him in all his endevours.In the last few months, us both being TG has brought us closer.

[Diannna]

You all know that this is a difficult question. Being an older cd'er and having a son, I really don't know what my answer would be. I personally grew up in an era that did not have too much info available in regards to our situation. It was really at times rough. I didn't know if I was queer, gay, a homo, or what. I had to hide an awful lot in my younger days. Not that I don't hide most things now a days. But I've learned a lot more about myself in the last 5 years then the fifty some years before that. I still don't seem to understand it all, but I do accept myself more now. My son and daughter know nothing about my softer side. However, if either one of them were to approach me in regards to crossdressing, I would be more then supportive. If nothing else, they would have someone to talk to about it all, and get at least my points of view. I wouldn't want them to grow up the way I did regards this subject. You have to admitt, for most of us, it is still difficult to come out. If I were gay or Bi, it would not be such a problem. Just the other day I was watching 60 minutes, and they had a segment regards "being gay", and are you born with it or do you adjust into it. You see a lot of thing on tv regards being gay. Even cable and direct tv have a channel for it "logo". Mostly movies for and or about gay's. How much do you see anything about crossdressing. Some, but not very much. It seems to me we are jusst not as accepted as gay's are. Tell someone your gay, and they probably say " Well! Different strokes for different folks ". But tell some one you are a crossdresser, and all of a sudden your an out cast or deemed a pervert. I know there are exceptions, but for the most part, I think you'd agree. I would not wish crossdressing on my son, but if he was a crossdresser, I'd be there for him, if he needed me.

[Cathy Anderson]

I guess the main concern I would have is that he not become as secretive and socially isolated as I believe I was because of CDing.

So I would talk to him about it--maybe fairly often. I'd let him know that, in long run, if CDing etc. is for him, then it's not out of the question. So he should feel he can talk about his feelings, rather than keep things all to himself.

But I'd also want to help remove any obstacle that may be preventing him from achieving his non-CD potential. So, for example, if he were very shy around girls, I'd be alert to ways to overcome that. I'd also try to be alert to obstacles that may be preventing him from expressing or achieving masculine parts of his identity.

Somehwat ironicaly, the harder question might be whether or how to tell him about my own CD tendencies.

Cathy

[livy_m_b]

I'm happy none of my boys ever showed the slightest interest in cd/t*. My own difficulty of living with the condition would have made it very difficult to contemplate in someone I loved. I would have made sure that he had good reliable information about what it means and doesn't mean. Even though I agree with the affirmation that we are "gifted" or that "every desire of the body is holy" (I like that!), I would prefer a more mainstream life for my children.

[Cathy Anderson]

"Every desire of your body is holy."
I like that quote, too.
The complication is that often the intellectual mind (thinking) misunderstands the body's original desire (feelings) and builds a complex of false beliefs around it.

Example:

Body desire: Right now, wearing a dress makes me feel relaxed.
Wrong conclusion: What I want is to wear dresses (when actually what I want is to feel relaxed).

Cathy

[Helen MC]

I deliberately foreswore parenthood and was sterilised so as never to be faced with such a situation.

In the hypothetical situation I would accept him for what he was and guide him from my own experiences. All I would ask of him is "Don't borrow my panties" I don't mind sharing them with a woman as I did with my ex-wife and some girlriends but NOT with another male.

[wendy]

even though we have no children, if we did have a son who engaged in CDing, I would support him to the best of my abilities. I would for sure not alienate him, try to change his way of thinking, or make him feel like he is doing anything wrong.

I would however caution him if he chose to 'go out' en femme, just for safety issues.

[Dixie Darling]

I've found this to be a very interesting and thought provoking topic and one that I've thought about often, but with a different 'slant'. Let me explain. . . . .

Those of you who already know my story are aware that I have a wife who is completely intolerant of my crossdressing. That doesn't make me love her any less since I can put myself over on her side of the fence to some extent. I've not been successful in getting her to try to understand that crossdressing is something that a person is BORN with (that's MY opinion due to all the research I've done about it over the years) and is a part of a person's total personality, as opposed to something that one just takes an interest in and pursues. Being from the deep south a lot of this intolerance is due to her upbringing and I can respect that to a certain extent. What I have a problem accepting is her blunt refusal to try to learn anything about it.

Anyway, I've often wondered what would happen if she found out that our son was a crossdresser (as far as I know he's not). It's just a guess, but I think she would be more accepting/tolerant of him than she is of me. Of course there's a big difference since she's not MARRIED to him, but by the same token he's still a member of the family and a direct bloodline decendent. And I would be curious to know if she discovered he WAS a CD, what impact would it have on OUR relationship. Have any of you ever had any experiences along those lines?

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[miss_sarah]

I'm sure I've said this before in other threads, but I would be most supportive. The Reader's Digest version of the story is this: Freshman year of high school I spiraled into a horrible depression, based on my perception of myself and the people around me mainly. I felt an outcast, had few friends, etc. It was around this time my "stash" was discovered, and of course at that time I didn't have my own, so when mum found out she flipped out about it. Now -- I do remember her asking loads of questions right off the bat, I assume trying to feel out what this was all about for me, but the total embarassment prevented me from opening up to her (and we've always had a great close relationship). Given more time I think I could have gone to her about it, had she kept her cool those first few incidents. As part of the depression deal, we were at the shrink monthly, and much to even more embarassment she brought the topic up to him. Another 20 questions, which again closed me right up. "I dunno" was the answer to everything. I think had the initial reaction been more supportive instead of the interrogation things would have gone MUCH differently. You know what they say about first impressions!

To the topic at hand, if I were to discover my son (no kids yet, so this is the plan in my mind for "what if") I would first and foremost make it clear that I support him, that it's not bad/wrong/shameful, etc and that his mother and I are very open-minded people and can be approached with anything, when/if he finds himself ready to talk about it. End of discussion. No questions, only support. This of course assumes he doesn't already know about Sarah, wife and I haven't had much discussion on that topic yet. Having a very supportive wife will most definately help, since she's done a lot of reading and questioning of me (now that I'm ready to talk about it!) to learn about what makes me tick and why. She's incredibly understanding and flexible and that's what made me fall in love with her :) She may never really understand who I am and what my lifestyle choices mean to me, but she's behind me 100% (just takes a while to get that strapon attached... I WISH!!! haha).

Anyway, had my mother taken a different approach, I think she and I would be even more close now - and I don't think it would have taken me as long as it has to get to where I am. The personal growth, understanding and acceptance of self has been a hard trip - in dark corners. I can only assume that if the issue were brought into the sunlight in the right way, giving me more leeway and room to explore myself that it would have been at least a little easier. Grass is always greener though, I suspect. My father and I on the other hand, have never had much of a relationship as he was working so much. I never got the masculinity injection of working on cars, how to fix the lawnmower when it wouldn't start, etc. I'm sure that lack was an influence on me too... Anyway, I'm sliding off-topic so ending here! That's how I'd handle it :)

[Jill]

My job and chosen profession for the time being is that of working with juvenile delinquents. The facility that I work at is designed to be a therapeutic program where the parents willingly send their kids that need help and the parents of our kids pay very good money to have people like me work with them and modify their behavior. So I guess you could say that I have very specific ideas and feeling of how parenting should or shouldn't be done. I would take this knowledge into account as well as my own experiences as a teenage crossdresser. My teenage years were crappy, insecure and unstable as it was let alone my after school activities in my sisters closets. Besides being incredibly exhilerating, it was nerve racking. The last thing I wanted was anyone, including my good parents approaching me about it, insisting on talking about even if they did want to support it.

If it were my son, I would discourage it but saying very little. I know that in my own experiences, despite all the adversity and even though society shuns CDing, I went through with it anyway. I guess I know that even if discourage it and even forbid it, it will happen anyway. I really don't think I would discourage it, he would have to find his own way through it but the bottom line is that I would love him no matter what he did and make sure that he knew that.

[Bridget]

I would like to be the supportive parent that I never had. As we all know, it's not something that will go away. Kids aren't stupid, at least not as much as we're inclined to think, and they know that mainstream society doesn't approve. If he wants to be private about it, that's his business, but if he comes to us for advice, or whatnot, provide help. Being a crossdresser is tough, but life in general is tough.

[Sissy_in_pink]

I know that my father had a collection of femm underware and stockings that he hidden in the garage, then a few years ago I found out that my uncle, dad's bother had a problem of not know whether he was male or female. So I must be a chip off the old block, I was lucky in some respect that my parents past away without finding out about my Cding. I have 2 children 1 son 18, 1 daughter 15, I went into my son's room to wake him for school to find him in 1of his sisters bras, he was about 10 at the time and I did not know what to say about it, so I just told him to get it off and get ready for school. I have since found various items of femm underware hidden in his bedroom. I have never told is mother as she would just blame me for it. She knows about my father and uncle, but cannot see the connection. She would just say that I was the influence, monkey see monkey do. I have since told him, that when he leaves home I don't care what he wears just don't do it at home, just to keep the peace.