Change in reasons for crossdressing

[Jasmine Rose]

So, I have observed that the reasons for getting dressed up have changed for me recently. This is actually one of the big reasons I felt the need to reach out to a community like this.
When I first tried on a pair of my moms panties and a bra, (early teenage years) it gave me a sexual thrill to wear them. Later in life, whenever I would indulge in dressing up, it was always because it turned me on to do so.
Recently, like over the last couple of months, I have started dressing up around the house for the joy of being dressed. There is something freeing and relaxing about being dressed like a woman. Sure, it is still a turn on for me, but it is so much more than that now.
I really don't know what it is that has changed. I am 37 years old. I thought I was done figuring out who I am. I know I am not "old", but I thought I understood myself pretty well 10 years ago. Now I find myself questioning some very basic things about what makes me me.
Has anyone else had this kind of experience later in life like I have? Does this sound familiar? How have you dealt with these questions?
The questions on the previous line feel so big, I almost feel like I am asking too much. I just don't know where else to turn to ask these things.

[Denise S]

Jasmine, those are the exact feeling and experience that I have had. I too love to dress as a woman around the house. For me this isn’t going away the feeling of feminity just gets stronger with time. I have always crossdressed but about four years ago in my late fourties it real started taking over, I opened an amazon account and began buying a woman’s wardrobe plus wigs and forms. I don’t know where this will take me, but for now I love dressing as a woman. I also joined this community, to hear about others experiences. I done lurking, it’s a small step.

[Becky Blue]

Jasmine i was like you (the old you) from age 12 to age 39.. and the literally overnight that changed. Thats when Becky emerged and I realised that dressing was no longer a turn on at all. My theory is lowering of testosterone in midlife brings out something that was there all along.

[Lizzie Skirts]

I agree. Dressing used to be intensely sexual, but has morphed into more of an expression of personality. I’m 43 now.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm not sure why it would surprise you that you feel differently to how you felt 10 years ago? In another 10 years you're going to look back at today with some puzzlement too. It's called growing up.

You like wearing women's clothes, you always liked wearing women's clothes; you're just less horny than you used to be.

[Isabella Ross]

Yes...this was the case for me as well, Jasmine. But I'd offer a caveat: for me, dressing will always have an element of sensuality, even if it's no longer all about arousal and gratification. As someone in the crossdreamers camp, I tend to think there will always be a gender/sexuality connection for me. What does that mean? I suppose it's just that, these days, expressing femininity is about feeling alive, sensual, sexy, feminine, free and pretty. I am more sexually alive when I am free to be feminine. Does that make any sense?

[Julia1984]

Hi Jasmine
Yes. Absolutely. For me it happened literally overnight. I had a very odd dream that I was shopping for shoes to go with a red velvet cocktail dress with my wife. The odd thing was that I was wearing the dress. The odder thing was that she was totally fine about it. I jumped right in head first. It turned out my wife was absolutely NOT fine about it. But hey ho we live and learn.
I love Nikki's comment (as ever) and I wouldn't mind betting that there is at least a grain of truth in that. I "started" at about age 8 or 9. Then stopped. Then started properly after that event. I'm 51 now (Yeuch, so much wasted time).
So not at all unusual, I think.
Hugs
Juliax

[alwayshave]

Jasmine, for me dressing started when I was 4 or 5, so long before there was any sexual component. When I went through puberty, it turned highly sexual. Now I dress for how I feel, not for anything sexual.

[Rayleen]

Jasmine, at first its a sexual excitement for the first few years here too, but after its a getting in contact with your need to get in touch with your dormant feminine side. It becomes a necessity and a part of my life.

Enjoy the ride Jasmine.

[Raychel]

There is something freeing and relaxing about being dressed like a woman. Sure, it is still a turn on for me, but it is so much more than that now

that pretty much says it for me, Not so much of a turn on as I get older, But the relaxing part for sure.
I just feel so much more relaxed, A sort time to escape from the world and just be me. :daydreaming:

[Helen_Highwater]

Very similar to for me. I was always drawn to the clothes but in younger years it was accompanied by sexual fantasies. Those ebbed over the years until, as I grew older, I to grew to know that sense of calmness enjoyed while dressed.

I will add that it's a lovely place to be in. If you're a young CDer and you are in that stage of having a sexual element to your dressing then you have much to look forward to. It just gets better and better.

[CarlaWestin]

All I want to add is that the next forty years are going to be fabulous. That is of course, that you follow your own heart and not the predetermined narrowness of others.

[Pat]

I can't give an authoritative answer as to why it happens, but it's a very common story in the community. Personally, I think of it as a good thing, so congratulations! The sexual aspect of dressing, though common at the beginning, has been identified by psychologists as "an extinction behavior" meaning that the behavior disappears over time but the crossdressing remains. (Not meaning that you become extinct from doing it, which is what it sounds like to me. :eek: )

If you had not previously considered yourself transgender, it might be time to study up. If you do accept yourself as transgender, it seems to be a natural progression on your path. (Do not confuse the term transgender with the term transsexual -- that's the most common mistake on this forum.)

[BillieS]

There is something freeing and relaxing about being dressed like a woman. Sure, it is still a turn on for me, but it is so much more than that now.

That rings so true to me. The same sort of change came over me a few years ago, a little later in life than for you. I've enjoyed the change immensely.

[Michal82]

Hi
I am going through a similar phase over the past 2-3 years. I am 36 yo.
For me, besides feeling less turned on during dressing, i feel a stonger urge to go out en-femme. Also, I am now dressing mostly in drab, and just doing everyday things.
I don't know where this path is taking me, but i enjoy the ride...

Have fun,
Michal

[JeanTG]

It's actually a very common experience for cross-dressers, and one that I share as well. Although it is very rare now I will from time to time get a "thrill" out of it, shall we say; maybe 1 or 2 times a year. I'm in my early 60s. However those times I get the "thrill", I probably would have sought it out regardless of whether dressed or not.

There's no question that while gender identity and sexual expression are different, they are greatly intertwined. Eventually, I suppose as our sex drives decline with age, the former takes precedence over the latter. It's a change I welcome as well. When the sexual component was part of the deal, once I had the thrill, the session was over and replaced with shame and emptiness. Now a dressing session lasts as long as the time I have available (and when my wife is away it can be measured in days).

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Jasmine,

I think you will find your experience is not uncommon. I'm 53 years old and have been dressing since I was about 11. In my youth my dressing was highly sexually charged. As I got older my desire to dress would disappear, sometimes for years at a time, but it would always return. The difference I noticed was that as time marched on the sexual component of my dressing became less and less prevalent. Not, at 53, my desire to dress and capture my femininity is the strongest it has ever been but sexuality doesn't enter the picture.

Elizabeth

[Monique65]

I will agree. I've been underdressing full time since retiring and the strong sexual urges of my youth have been replaced by the "peaceful, easy feeling" of being myself.

[Nikki A.]

I think most of us all went through the sexual stage of our dressing. However after a while I found that the sexual part was replaced by what some call a "peaceful" feeling.
As for me, at this point in time I may get aroused sometimes (not very often) while dressing. But mostly it seems that I'm just letting a side of me that needs to be repressed have some time out in the sun. I do go out, do the mundane things (church, groceries, shop). It all seems normal and I do wish that I could be Nikki more than once a week.

[Beverley Sims]

I have undergone the gradual change over the years, as I dress more constantly other ideas occupy my mind these days.

[Confucius]

Jasmine, you are describing what many of us have gone through.
I think that makes you a typical crossdresser. For many of us older crossdressers, its about being comfortable more than being sexual.

[Shayla]

Hi Jasmine. I have recently been going through the same thing- what I thought for years was a "lingerie fetish" has become an intense desire to get fully dressed and even go out in public, bit not for sexual reasons. Still working up the courage to do it, and the logistics, but I think it will happen soon.

[docrobbysherry]

Jasmine I have good news and bad news! The good news is you're still growing and changing!:thumbsup:

The bad new is your still growing and changing!:thumbsdn:

At least I was at your tender age. I got married in my 40's. Had a daughter in my 50's. :)
Began dressing in my 50's, (it turned me on), and am still dressing in my 70's! And, it still turns me on!:D

Maybe you'll be lucky like me when u grow up!:heehee:

[Stephanie47]

I probably fit the profile of "alwayshave" (#8). As a juvenile I was attracted to my mother's nylon full slips which she hanged to dry in the bathroom or a clothesline in the hallway. It was purely for the feel of the fabric. I had and still have no desire to become a woman. In my puberty years I was a normal boy who explored his sexuality. When I found myself still attracted to nylon slips and nightgowns it progressed to try on her bra and panties, stocking and one or two dresses I was able to squeeze into. Yes, there was a sexual component. Was wearing lingerie any different than grabbing a Playboy magazine. In later years cross dressing developed into something to use to escape the burdens of male life. As I aged the sexual component lessened. Now it is just to feel good. Since I am not a woman I cannot say it feel makes me feel like a woman. I just love the feel of the clothing, the colors and styles. Maybe one day deciding what to wear will be just that; grabbing something from the other side of the closet and nothing more. If I were a single man that is how I would start my day.

[michele4848]

Hi Jasmine. same for me dressing at 8-12 cause it was fun. then early teens sexual. then in my 30s cause it felt right, and thought about transitioning. and now at 69, no sexual thrill, I still wish I could be a woman.

[Gillian Gigs]

You are not alone! In my early years dressing was totally for sexual reasons, and remained that way for many years. In my case change has not happened quickly, but has morphed over a long period of time. Over the last 10 years it has jumped back and forth a lot. It is now at about an 80% to 20% split in favour of the clothes only. I have always thought that some of this change has to do with the 'change of life' which men also go through. There is a lovely sensual feel to my clothing choices and to me this is what makes it all feel so peaceful.

Pat's comment,"The sexual aspect of dressing, though common at the beginning, has been identified by psychologists as "an extinction behavior" meaning that the behavior disappears over time but the crossdressing remains." This is an interesting thought! To me, I believe we all have varying degrees of masculine and feminine traits, if someone is truly transgender, their feminine traits should manifest in many areas, not just in their clothes.

[Micki_Finn]

Welcome to the club. I believe a LOT of the members of this community followed the exact same or at least very similar development.

[Dana44]

Jasmine, I think we all had that start. But as we grew older. It is a more calm and felling pretty. It is just nice to be feminine.

[kimdl93]

Extinction behavior...I like that! Although I would have thought it might be behaviors that contribute to extinction!

But anyway... my personal observation, evidently common one, is that the interest in dressing began long before any sexuality, and the emerging sexuality of the teens became intertwined with the interest in crossdressing. Its easy to understand why...for a teen, those raging hormones give almost everything a sexual connotation.

Later er in life, sexual desires may diminish with hormone changes, kids, various life stresses, simply untangling the parallel threads. Or so it seems to me.

mu other observation is that it may be easier as a teen or adult to attribute crossdressing to sexual fetish or ‘just a kink’, rather than accepting the possibility, “gasp”, that I might be one of “them”!

[Jasmine Rose]

I am so moved my everyone's responses! I woke up this morning hoping to see that maybe one or two people had seen what I wrote and felt the same way. I was blown away by how many responses there were. I didn't have time to read them before leaving for work, but now that I have, I am feeling a lot better about myself.

While each and every one of you that has responded contributed to the warm fuzzy feeling of acceptance and normalcy, there is one particular person who I would like to quote because their words resonated with me so perfectly:


When the sexual component was part of the deal, once I had the thrill, the session was over and replaced with shame and emptiness. Now a dressing session lasts as long as the time I have available (and when my wife is away it can be measured in days).

JeanTG, you described my feelings so perfectly!

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. I wish you all the same warm and fuzzy feelings that your words gave to me.

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Jasmine.

I am a bit late to the party but in a very similar boat to you. I am currently forcefully trying to ingore the sexual aspect by spending 3 days a week dressed fully for most of the day.

Thank you for the post I have enjoyed reading all the comments on here.

[Ina Girdle]

Wow, what a great thread. Jasmine you have really stuck a chord with many of us. A couple of points.

I am in the camp with Jamie too, my earliest memories of crossdressing at 5, I would search through my mothers underwear drawer for bras and girdles to dress up in, any chance I got, I did this for 7 more years before I discovered the self gratification aspect (separate from crossdressing), which quickly became intertwined for MANY years.

There was the naughty / dirty aspect of crossdressing and the rush of doing it and not getting caught, first by parents or siblings then my wife. Once I found this site and great community, I came out to my wife, which instantly removed the getting caught theme. I don't know if it is residual denial or what, but I still have a slight feeling of embarrassment when I crossdress in front of my wife. She accepts and supports me, but is not crazy about it.

Thanks, Ina G.

[Krea]

Hi Jasmine,

I was a late-starter (~40 years old) but like you and many others here, i went thru that same stage of CDing being a bit of a thrill. Then i started to settle down and enjoy it without just feeling turned-on.

Coming-out to my wife and her wish to try and be supportive may have taken away some of the "forbidden thrill" aspect, so now it feels more natural (and enjoyable) perhaps.

I no longer try to work out why my CD feelings go the way they do. I have simply accepted that it is who i am and now i feel much happier as a result.

Best wishes, Nic :)

[Sabrina.K]

Yup, changed for me too. It was a sexual fetish until my thirties, where it just turned into a love for the clothing.

Saying that though, there are still a few clothing items that can get me "excited" :P

[Territx]

Reading these posts I see myself as I have aged. I guess it just confirms that while we have a lot in common, though there will always be some variations.

[CONSUELO]

Welcome Jasmine,
What you are experiencing is something many, if not most of us here have experienced. Even now I often have strong feelings of arousal when dressed but not always. I just don't worry about it any more. It is what I am.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I don't know if My reasons have changed, only that I have obtained more INSIGHT into why I Cross dress. Different "authorities" often state different reasons for CD that we may buy into and later change our opinion. I finally was doing my own research and study--Not just CD, but brain function in general. and made a discovery that there are SEVERAL different reasons for CD. But we may not be aware of all of them. I finally discovered that I am an "ESCAPIST" CD. An escapist essentially CDs to "take a vacation away from himself". A guy can't get farther away from himself than to become a whole different person--a woman! I suppose a milder form of escapism is in disguises and acting where a man would play another character, like Sherlock Holmes or a warrior Character, like a Medieval Knight (as in SCA or Cosplay) But CD might take the deliberate "disconnect" up to another level.---This might also be connected to CD in men who wear Uniforms in their work, like policemen, Firemen, etc. They need a way to disconnect from both their identity and "manhood" obligations, from time to time. I find CD very "Stress relieving" as well as a sexual "turn on" on the side, and it feels good to be (somewhat) "pretty" too.

All In all, I don't think that the reasons for CDing change all that much, but rather we get NEW INSIGHTS as to why we CD.

[JeanTG]

Oddly, I have been dressing sporadically lately and recently had an episode with a happy ending and I felt the same shame afterwards. It still happens from time to time (usually with no shame though), but I'd say that out of 25 dressing sessions, only one ends up that way. Today I'm dressed: panties, bra, blouse, pencil skirt, wig, some neutral lipstick, shoes, pantyhose. I'm just feeling calm and content, and plan to leave it at that. I'm going to work out this aft so will change then (I don't have any feminine workout gear except for a couple of sports bras).

[Julia1984]

Marina. You make a good point. I was wondering about "reasons why" recently and the escapism thing occurred to me too. Oddly enough I also do a bit of acting, as well. There may well be a connection. We are doing a potted version of Lysistrata soon, with blokes playing gals, so that will be interesting!
Hugs
Julia

[JeanTG]

Well I often do not like being a guy, sometimes I don't mind, but I figure I have a strong feminine side that needs expression. Escapism might be a trigger no doubt: times of anxiety or stress have often driven me to dress. But I'm not sure that escapism is the sole reason. Most people have hobbies for that, and I don't think I'd escape into crossdressing if I didn't have a strong affinity for the feminine.

But these days I just give up trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. Just enjoy! It is how/what we are. Nobody knows how we got here, but here we is!

[Shely]

After reading most of the posts, I have little to add. I guess i'm in the mainstream here. I just love to wear women's clothes and in my late 60s I guess i always will. It did start in my early teens ans was entirety sexual in nature. HUGsss

[Jaymees22]

I first dressed when I was 7, I played one of Cinderella's ugly sisters (type casting?) in a second grade play. No sexuality then but I was happy about doing it. Then I dressed again at 17 and was very aroused. Then after I retired at 67 I decided to try dressing again and hopefully find that aroused feeling again, but I found something better "myself".

I also like the explanation of escapism. I had discussed that theory with my therapist and she seemed to agree that that could be a component of crossdressing.

Occasionally I too have a happy ending or a happy middle or a happy beginning, there is still a sexual component even at 73.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Well, it's the sexually "flavored" HIGH I get from the "escapism". I think originates from crossing "forbidden" "Mental Boundaries" when one "Disconnects" from one's self. Ironically not "Finding one's self" as SOME say, but the exact opposite ----- escaping myself--which would naturally give one "funny feelings" ;)

[NancySue]

As an early starter, 5-6, I,too, have followed the same identical pattern described by so many of you. It’s all about comfort, looking as good as possible, relaxation, even doing my own laundry is a fun experience, doing my things by hand, hanging things to dry, taking my dresses to be dry cleaned. My wife’s advice has been greatly appreciated. It’s a new world and I love it.

[jacques]

Shocking news! - we are not the same people we were when we were young.
When I was a child I liked sugary treats. Later I smoked tobacco and got drunk on beer. Now I like to go to a bar for a cup of coffee.
When I was a child I wore tights to be a superhero. When I was a teenager I wore tights for their eroticism. Now I wear tights and a dress to relax after a stressful day at work.
Crossdressing is no different to many other things in our lives (or in anyone's life)- it changes as we change.
Embrace it!
luv J

[Marianne S]

For me, crossdressing can still be sexually arousing, and I haven't seen that diminishing with age. However, I've also found nonsexual ("gender-related") motives for crossdressing have emerged over the years. So my motives for, and feelings about, crossdressing have changed over time--if not on the same timetable as some here--and I do see parallels with what others have said. Although sexual motives still play a part, one thing that's changed is the source and nature of those sexual motives.

This is where I appreciate Marina's observation of the multiple reasons for crossdressing, and kimdl93's remark about "untangling the parallel threads"--of these multiple reasons, sorting them out, separating them from one another and identifying them individually. The fact is, we don't always think "atomically" enough, "analytically" enough about many things in life, including the reasons for crossdessing and even sexuality itself. To "analyze" means to break something down into its component parts, separate them out and identify them.

Unlike kimdl93 and many others, I didn't have any particular urge to crossdress as a child, except for trying on my mother's nightie when I was only five, which I attribute to normal childhood experimentation rather than any transgender motives. It was only in my early teens that I started dressing, and then it was for sexual thrills. A lot of that thrill was downright fetishistic: the clothes in and of themselves were sexually arousing. My first experiment was with my mother's skirt, but soon I was putting on all of her clothes and underwear. Naturally, slipping into her panties was the most exciting of all. I would put everything else on first--bra, girdle and nylons, slip, blouse and skirt--before "saving the best 'til last" by pulling on her panties underneath my skirt for the supreme thrill.

At the time, I didn't know "why" it turned me on to do this, only that it made me different from other boys who were not aroused by wearing female clothes. I knew I wasn't "gay," since I was perfectly aware that it was girls and not boys I was attracted to sexually. But I knew nothing about transgender phenomena. However, at some point I learned about other sexual deviations, probably first from Maxine Davis's book Sex and the Adolescent, which I bought a copy of and passed around in school to other friends who at our age were naturally interested in anything to do with sex! Her book had a brief mention of "fetishism," and since that was the "best fit" with what I was experiencing, I decided that's what I must be: a "fetishist." I know some people hate labels, most of all when they "don't fit," but labels can be useful if they seem to fit well enough. At the time, I was happy enough to have a label that seemed to fit me, rather than being some kind of outlandish weirdo that nobody had ever heard of!

At that earlier period of my life I could certainly identify with what JeanTG said, When this sexual component was the whole deal, once I'd had the thrill and the session was over I felt very uncomfortable crossdressed and wanted to get back into "guy mode" right away. Later on that did change, as others have experienced, so that now I like to crossdress just for the "enjoyment" of being in female clothing, quite apart from any sexual motive. So despite remaining comfortable in "guy mode" also, I do mirror the experiences of others insofar as my motives for dressing do seem to include a "transgender" component. And it is a component that I might never have explored if I hadn't been "woken up" to that feminine side of myself in the first place by more insistent erotic motivations.

It's also true for me that the original, purely fetishistic motives for crossdressing seem to have waned over the years. That component seems to be nowhere near as intense as it once was, in my teens above all.

In spite of that, this doesn't mean crossdressing is "less sexual" for me today--or that the sexual component weakened due to testosterone levels dropping with age--or that the nonsexual, "gender" component became apparent only due to the fading of the sexual component that was overshadowing it. Instead, I'd say on the one hand that the nonsexual, "gender" motive emerged due to increasing self-acceptance of the "feminine me"--a slow process to be sure, but one that was well underway by the time I was thirty. Meanwhile on the sexual side, if the purely fetishistic motive faded with time, what is still there---and had been there from the beginning--was the excitement of fantasizing sex in a female role, which was facilitated by crossdressing. Even at fourteen or so I was doing this, though I was imagining myself with female (not male) partners: a "lesbian" role. That's a third component. So I think it's important to figure out where all these "pieces" of our motives come from, whether they're sexual or nonsexual.

[Gwen M]

It is interesting that we all go through the same progression. Sexual gratification sexy cloths in private. Then we think going out in public is ok wearing wrong clothes. To finally realizing we just want to be comfortable as a female is ok. Shame is , as my case , it took so many years.

[Julia1984]

Marianne
That is one of the most honest, most perceptive and most helpful posts I have read here, or anywhere else, in a very long time. Thank you for articulating your own position so clearly.
Julia

[gunta]

At a begining that was truly and only sexual reason and after orgasm I even hated what I have done. Now I'm in midle 40 and it is 50/50, no hate anymore and I can remain dressed and even can get orgasm without touching 'below'(with no so much excitement, but it returns after an hour)

[JeanTG]

While there seems to be a separation between sexual and gender reasons with age, it goes without saying, I think, that gender identity and sexuality are somewhat intertwined. I do feel more "sexual" when dressed. It still can occasionally lead to a happy ending, but that's now fairly rare. Mostly it just feels nice, and all my senses seem sharper when dressed.

[Jasmine Rose]

I feel like I have had a very important epiphany come out of reading everyone's posts to this thread. Recently I was dressed and had my "happy ending" and I was feeling shame from doing this. I was reading posts from this thread later that night when I realized that it wasn't actually shame from being dressed, but rather that I let my being dressed lead to something sexual. It was almost like I was being a "bad crossdresser" because I wasn't dressing just to be dressed. At a subconscious level, I was feeling inferior to the other people on this forum.

Once I brought all of this up to a conscious level, I realized that I was being very judgmental about such a thing. I certainly would not have thought less of someone else on this forum who posted that they had enjoyed a "happy ending" and then changed back into masculine clothing, so why should I judge myself for doing such a thing?

Now, I feel like I can enjoy myself more. When I am "just" dressed in feminine clothing, and when I dress for a sexual thrill. It doesn't matter why I dress. I just do. If I enjoyed myself as a result of being dressed, regardless of what form that enjoyment takes, I should be happy that I have found joy in what I do. Now, when I start feeling some of that shame coming back, I can remind myself that I don't have anything to be ashamed of.

[Aeslyn]

Hi Jasmine,
I'm not much older than you are and I went through such changes in the past few years. For me a lot of the changes were actually due to a lot of the 'conditioning' and 'enculturation' we go through in our earlier life. Also for me I grew up in a small conservative town. I was taught and exposed only to limited views of the world and people (we are right in that age range where our youth was one where there was a lot more control of information, a time before we really had a lot of access to the internet). This meant that earlier in life I'd accepted many views of myself and crossdressing (I'd never heard the term transgender in my youth, transvestite was used and it was highly derogatory). These views included that it was a perversion and sexual fetish, and I incorporated a lot of guilt and shame into myself over it. Later in life, however, when I shed these views, and became much more familiar with the larger world and the diversity of people in it as well as the different values and cultural systems, I inevitably had to go through a change as how I understood myself to be was shown to me to be quite false and mostly constructed and imposed on me by outside influences that were coming from a place of very little understanding in deed. The good news behind that is I found myself finally, and I am sure you will too. As we incorporate new information we redefine ourselves and while it can seem scary it is a beautiful experience of growth and a marvellous journey.

[Stephanie Julianna]

You are not going through anything different from what many here have. Like you, as a teen and into my twenties there was a strong sexual component. But that changed when I turned thirty. I started to pass in public and then it became all about passing with a comforting sensation that followed of finally feeling complete. The next 10 years were wonderful but scarey, as I navigated the NYC crossdressing scene while trying to fill my role at home as a husband, father and breadwinner. I was torn between thinking I wanted to transition and trying to fulfill the vows I took with my wife and my responsibilities as a Dad. I can remember a few times when driving home from the city when I thought about driving into a bridge abutment to save my family from my 'shame".
The issue was that even I thought at that time that I was a pervert of some kind. I can not tell you how it happened, but around 40 years old, I realized that my dressing did not make me a bad person, it just made me different and in a better way. At that point, I stopped trying to keep the two sides of me seperate. I realized I did not have to always dress as a female to embrace that side of me. With my wife's support I returned to college at 43 and by 1994 received my RN. Now every facet of my personality had value.
I will not tell you that I don't fight with the pink fog almost daily and for some reason the desire to dress has increased with age rather than declined. I'd like to think that I present as a sylish lady in her 'golden years'. I don't think I have ever said that before. Even after 50 years my wife and I are struggling with how I can indulge in my dressing on a timely basis especially now that she is retired and we are together almost all the time. I'm going to have to address that in the Spring before I get crazy. I am glad about the choices I have made because if I had transitioned at some point earlier I would have missed so much with my children and grandchildren but especially with my wife. That was a choice that worked for me but everyone is different and the need to transition is stronger or weaker or not even a factor for many here. My recommendation is to first accept yourself and than decide what path in life is best for you to live a life that will have purpose so you can contribute to society with a life well lived.

[geek]

I never got any kind of thrill from it, just a sense of "rightness".