Got Caught

[Glenda58]

Saturday morning the wife wanted to shopping and wanted me to go with her. Told her I need to take shower. She no lets go you can do that later before we have company over. Well the night before I had gotten dress with some makeup and I had used a waterproof mascara and my remover was in the shower and I know my lashes are black now. So we leave I put on my sun glasses. and everything is fine till we get in the store. She gives a bottle to read the fine print. I flip up my sun glasses and hear "HOW COULD YOU" . We don't talk in the store but as soon as we got in the car the s$@T hit the fan. Telling that everyone could see it. But she didn't want to stop shopping but to keep my glasses on.

After getting home she told I should get some counseling I think it's more for her because she doesn't have anyone to talk to since her sister passed away. Her sister was OK with dressing up and would calm her down.

So I'm looking for a counselor who works with crossdresser/ transgender in my area. Things are calm now but I don't know for how long.

[Rogina B]

And what is going to come out of it ? Your money...

[Babbs]

get counseling for what? to cure your cross dressing disease? Glenda, I don't think there is such a cure, lol

[Tracii G]

She wanted to go right now did she not?
You told her you needed to shower but did what she wanted not what you wanted so where are you in the wrong?
Me personally I would have said wait until I get cleaned up or go by yourself.

[2B Natasha]

I’m with Tracie. Did she not see that you had mascara on before you left the house? I don’t where the issue is here. It doesn’t sound like a DADT relationship or am I wrong?

[Jaylyn]

Glenda this is not your fault as I see it the way you tell the story. I would have told my wife I can't I need to shower and said if you got to go now I'll text you when I'm ready and you can drive back and get me. Did your wife not know that you dressed the night before, if she did and let's you you should have told her what you were taking a shower for.
Just because we are dressing doesn't give our spouses the right to make demands in my humble opinion.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't think u need a a counselor to tell u u have communication issues with your SO!:sad:

U couldn't tell her u needed to remove your makeup? Instead u snuck out of the house in sun glasses? And, she jumps down your throat even tho you're wearing sun glasses?:straightface:

I swear, some people walk around bent over. Then, they're so surprised when they get a foot in the behind!:heehee:

[Rachelakld]

Dear councillor, I'm a cross dresser and wife wants me to stop. If I give you lots of money will our conversation cure me?

My wife also spots mascara from 3,000 ft and has a fit, as if I walked in naked, the first thing shop assistance would notice is mascara (like they don't have a life and live of others make up styles)?

I normally ask my wife if I need to remove mascara before we leave the house - she WILL check, I don't allow her to remove it - almost had my eyeball wiped out last time she tried.

[DaisyLawrence]

Dear councillor, I'm a cross dresser and wife wants me to stop. If I give you lots of money will our conversation cure me?

Rachel speaks sense. Why are you looking for a councillor exactly?

[Isabella Ross]

Seems like I'm following Daisy around this morning, just to reinforce her posts. Anyhow, her thoughts, and Rachel's, are the same as mine: what is all this with counselling? I see it mentioned so much here. And while I'm sure some could really use professional counselling, it seems like most people think of it as a panacea for their problems, or refer to it casually, as though everyone should do it just like brushing their teeth. What exactly is the counselling for in this case?

[Helen_Highwater]

Glenda,

Having read your post and the replies I take the view you need firstly to clarify your relationship to those here. Are you in the closet, in a DADT relationship? Does she know and you dress in her presence?

Bring clarity to the post and then you're going to get replies more suitable to your situation.

My one piece of advice would be, ditch the waterproof mascara.

[deebra]

Great advice, all 10 threads and you don't have to pay a counselor. Your wife has the problem, not you.

[audreyinalbany]

by the way, the purpose of counseling is not to stop, but to help you find the proper place in your life for the crossdressing, to find the balance

[Tracy Irving]

It is obvious your wife did not know you were wearing mascara out of the house. Did she know you were wearing mascara in the house? Is she accepting, are you DADT, or does she know nothing about your crossdressing?

When you say her sister (okay with dressing up) would calm her down it seems like they both knew about your crossdressing.

I would love to pile on and say it is all her fault but if she knew about the mascara from last night and you didn't explain your situation adequately, you have to shoulder some of the responsibility.

Communication is key.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Glenda, I know that stores are better lit than most homes, but didn't she see it in the morning before asking you to go along? I feel for you, but I think she is being a little unreasonable, even for a DADT relationship. You might pick up some cleansing wipes. Brenda

[Meghan4now]

Simple solution. Wear mascara every day, and then she won't notice anymore!

Yeah, good luck with that. What counseling does she want? Like some have suggested, a "cure" isn't likely. Maybe you need counseling to get past the elephant in the room, and to agree on what you can compromise on and what you cant?

[Stephanie47]

I will agree with many of the prior comments. Counseling for who? For what? I can guess your wife is not fond of your cross dressing. If you're still married it would appear the issue is one of respect for other person's feelings or needs. That goes for both spouses. Go to counseling with her to delve into the issues of marital discord. It appears there is a need to establish boundaries and respect them. Your post indicates the evening before you were dressed with light makeup. Were you hiding in a den or bedroom en femme? Or sitting with your wife in the livingroom watching television? That would suggest to me some degree of tolerance for in-home cross dressing. That may be your wife's line in the sand, and, you crossed it by taking it outside the home. She may have construed your failure to remove your makeup as an "in your face" affront to her level of acceptability. I would conjecture your wife thought you had removed your eye makeup.

[Lisa Gerrie]

To me the key phrase in the original post is "I think it's more for her". Maybe your wife needs to talk to somebody following her sister's death; that seems like a separate issue to me.


It's likely to come up, so if your marriage would also benefit from professional mediation of the crossdressing conflict, consider a couple's therapist. Most will want to see you separately at first. If they have been in practice for more than a year you won't be their first crossdresser, and only a quack would entertain talk of a "cure" for more than 30 seconds. Added: I don't think you need a specialist. :)

[mykell]

hi glenda,
this : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/mi/detroit
and this : http://www.pflagdetroit.org/

if you can get her to go to the pflag meeting that would be best, if they are anything like mine they will be a good source of all the local resources available in the area and can probably refer you to therapists with good rapport .....

[Glenda58]

Counseling would not be for me but her. She needs to talk to someone who understands us as crossdressers. She knows I won't stop haven't for 65 yrs and been to counseling. She lost the only person she could talk to when her sister die. We are in DADT relationship.

Now it's been 4 days and she acting like nothing happen. She's talking to me about things but not about what happen. I'm still looking for a counselor for both of us so maybe we can come to some understand and a agreement about my dressing and when.

- - - Updated - - -


hi glenda,
this : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/mi/detroit
and this : http://www.pflagdetroit.org/

if you can get her to go to the pflag meeting that would be best, if they are anything like mine they will be a good source of all the local resources available in the area and can probably refer you to therapists with good rapport .....

This is where I have been looking. Will be email one of them tomorrow.

[Kayliedaskope]

Maybe instead of her sister, she should have been talking to you about this all along....

Invite her to come onto the forum and have her read up on some of the posts in here. She'll be able to talk to other CD's in a "safe zone," and maybe get some understanding of who we are and why we do what we do.

Even better: sic Pat on her! LOL

[Glenda58]

Alright let try to make some sense out of this. MY wife knows that I dress but doesn't want to see it. She goes to bed early every night so I dress and / or put on makeup. Most of the time I'm up before she is and get cleaned up but not that day.

The counseling isn't so much for me but for both of us. She needs someone to talk to about my CD. She can't talk to her friends or her other sister. So she is very stress out about this. She knew I was a Crossdresser before we got married. I even gave her some of my things when I purged my closet so she could have some room there.

So going to counseling may help both of us. Because we all know that this is not going to stop and I told her so. But I love her and want to make her happy also.

[jennifer0918]

With her permission dress
With her permission shower
With her permission go to counseling
Look your your own person and you don't need her permission to shower or crossdress. She's taking advantage and sees your crossdressing as a sign of weaknesses a lack of manhood and she is wrong . Put your foot down love yourself you don't need counseling maybe she does!!!!!again with permission!!!!

[karynspanties]

She did not notice the makeup BEFORE you left the house? Hmmm. sounds kinda fishy.

[arial]

With her permission dress
With her permission shower
With her permission go to counseling
Look your your own person and you don't need her permission to shower or crossdress. She's taking advantage and sees your crossdressing as a sign of weaknesses a lack of manhood and she is wrong . Put your foot down love yourself you don't need counseling maybe she does!!!!!again with permission!!!!

What she said....

[Kelly DeWinter]

The issue you are having is not with your spouse, but with you. You said "We are in DADT relationship" and it was working to a degree within your relationship.
By wearing mascara out, you broke the "Don't Tell" or the boundary. Finding a counselor sound like a pretty good idea. All relationships have boundaries both spoke and unspoken. It sounds like working on communications skills would be in order first.

I go to a counselor 2 to 3 times a year , just as a mental heath tuneup, I look at it like getting a car tune up, cant't hurt and actually has been beneficial.

[Krisi]

A lot of things come to mind but they have been said by others so I won't bother. I will say this though: If you're in a DADT relationship and only dress when she's not around or is asleep, why in the world are you wearing waterproof makeup? You need something that's easily and quickly removed.

[MLane]

I'm not sure if this is the case, but I'm always reminding myself to think outward and about the other person. Sometimes I get too caught up and the focus is all about me.

[Wallaone]

This was a very informative and encouraging thread, ladies! I'm grateful for your words of wisdom and the ability to learn from the mentoring of others.

[Lizzie Skirts]

Glenda,

I’m about to start on counseling, but my situation is a bit different. I came out to my wife of 19 years, who was aware of my penchant for heels and hose, but didn’t know quite the depth of my feminine side. She’s more receptive and accepting than not, but I’m smart enough to sense that there’s a gap between my comfort level and hers. For me, I’m trying to find a way to satisfy my needs without being overly selfish and expecting her to be able to just deal with the “new” me (even though it’s really been the “real” me for my entire life).

I’m in DC and don’t have any insights about the Detroit area. Janet’s Closet is a great store... perhaps she has some contacts within the support group or counseling world?

P.S. When I first started looking for marriage counseling or couples counseling, I kept hitting roadblocks regarding insurance coverage. However, once I used the term “transgender,” I found that my insurance company was much more willing to help me find a family counseling service. I don’t consider myself a transsexual, but when it comes to the old-fashioned binary gender identity scale, I’m 95% normal dude and 5% full dress/makeup/heels girl... so I guess I am a bit transgendered.

[JenniferR771]

Good points above.
I think it is also a matter of dominance in your partnership. What would she give up if she left? She has probably allowed herself to accept the good with the not-so-good. Thinks it is really weird. But not worth a breakup at this point. It probably helps that you are good looking, loyal, and bring home big bucks. Be nice to her--maybe buy her a new car.

Remember, the psychological association is probably acting as a referral service, the counselor may pay them a finder's fee. This is especially true if he is not very busy. The best ones do not need this.
Read through their website or Facebook page very carefully. An open mind and satisfied clients are a plus.

[Paige Dehart]

First I want to say I am sorry for your families loss. You both lost a good source of support when your sister in-law passed. Sounds like your wife needs someone to talk to honestly and openly who can help her see that there is nothing wrong in your Cding which is what her sister did. It is a shame this happened but from now on I would recommend that you either use non water proof mascara or remove your makeup completely before going to bed.
By the way there is nothing wrong with therapy and for some couples it can be very helpful . Only you and your wife know what is best for your relationship.