New Years resolution weekness

[Maria 60]

Before Christmas I had a situation at a car wash and had to for the first time interact with a person as Maria, I never imagined that I would have to do this so I freaked out. I wrote a thread here about it and most of the responses where that because I freaked out maybe I'm not ready to go out.
I have a very open relationship with my wife and I told her what happened that night and told her my responses that I got from here and then asked her how she felt about the situation. How she felt that I'm breaking one of my promises when I told her thirty years ago about I would be happy to keep it in the closet.
She told me she was surprised how far it's come, but doesn't care because she sees I'm happy and that I have to face reality that when I walk out that door I have to be prepared for the worst. I could be seen, car accident, and even the stupidest thing like the car wash incident that I had to interact as Maria and I was not prepared and thought I was invisible, in which I'm not.
She told me I treat the car as a cacoon and believe I'm safe in the car, but it's not safe and have to realize how vulnerable it really is.
She said everyone's responses here were very truthful, either im in or I'm out, make the choose and if I choose to be out to be prepared to interact and prepare myself for the worst.
She said whatever I decide she is like a rock, she will stand by me whatever I decide and she even got alittle more into it.
She said that I really don't look at myself, that I have a delusional vision that I look in the mirror and see a women and then told me that she is going to tell me what she sees and what others will see if i ever have to get out of the car.
She said i cant change that I'm a construction worker and have a body of one, I wear the dress and they look good but I'm obviously a man in a dress, I don't always have my chest and leg hairs shaved but I still go out with a low cut top and I don't make no attempt cover the bulge in my private area and she cant believe I don't see that.
In not so many works she said that if I ever have to get out of the car and interact that it will be very obvious that I'm a man and that I have a lot of work to do to fine tune myself.
She told me she doesn't believe I want to be a women or do I want to interact as a women, that I have strong feminine feelings and I enjoy driving around is very relaxing and an escape from my male self, but I've been going out more and more and I better prepare myself for the worst.
She then asked me what I thought about what she said, I told her everything she said was truthful and I will try to keep it in and if I do go for a drive I will look at the truth in the mirror and not what I want to see, because I don't want to be seen as a freak if something does happen.
I'm so happy I have a wife who I can talk to and is very honest with me and this community that is very caring and honest with me as well.
I told her I would make it a New Years resolution to stop going out driving, I'm controlling it but the cravings are there and it seems like when it comes to my dressing I'm very week, but let's see how much longer I could hold.
Thought I would share some of the day by day reality we have to go thought.

[Stacy Darling]

Your wife seems to understand you quite well Maria, the two of you together also seem to communicate well!
Weakness or not, you also seem to be in a happy place personally!
Happy to hear your positivity also!
Stacy!

[Rhonda Jean]

Sounds like you could have gone left and you went right. Seems like she was telling you that if you're going to do this, do it. Maybe you've kept that little bit of hair on your chest and legs and kept the bulge because you're a little afraid to let go. This has been kind of a snails-pace process for you, but it sounds like it's kinda time to rip off the bandaid. Not that you have to have a big coming out, but i'd hope you wouldn't let the fear of what your construction worker friends would think keep you from doing some things that are important to you. They don't have to know. It's wonderful that your wife is on board in such a big way, and you're very lucky. I hope you'll be brave enough to take advantage of the gift she's given you. The gift of her love and acceptance. Definitely no more hair, or even stubble. Certainly no more bulge. Sounds like your wife will be your adviser and your advocate. If she thinks you need to get/keep your brows done, do it. If anybody gives you a hard time about it, tell them you like it and your wife likes it. Take care of your nails. Wear things that make you look your best as a woman, not necessarily the things you want to wear because some other woman looked hot in it. Don't miss this opportunity to turn a corner in your life because of your own internal fears.

[Jean 103]

Go out, stay in, it’s your life, your choice.

You know what staying in is all about. There is nothing wrong with staying home. It is safe and you have someone to interact with, your wife.

Going out is about interacting with the outside world, in person, up close, face to face. The end goal would be to feel comfortable and be able to go anywhere you want.

I work construction, but I do more service work now.

It is not as much about how you look but more about how you act. It’s been said many times you have to get past the fear. If you look and act as everything is normal most people will take it as such. You can be a guy in a dress and they will still treat you like a lady.

For you I would suggest a support/ social group. It would be a safe place you could go without having to worry about being outed.

Just because someone jumps off a bridge doesn’t mean you have to, do what makes you happy.

[kimdl93]

She's a wise person and very insightful. Now, the question is whether the two of you can find an alternative to driving as an opportunity to express yourself. I'm sure if you put your heads together, you'll come up with something that works for both of you.

[bridget thronton]

You have a very good wife

[Pat]

I told her I would make it a New Years resolution to stop going out driving, I'm controlling it but the cravings are there and it seems like when it comes to my dressing I'm very week, but let's see how much longer I could hold.

Maria -- you keep doing this to yourself. You *want* to go out. Your wife wants you to go out because it makes you behave better when you have that outlet. And you clamp down and make yourself (and her) miserable until you can't avoid it any more. She's a rock for you; be a rock for her. Do what makes you the best person. There's nothing wrong with being a man-in-a-dress if you're OK with it. We have a strong MIAD community here on the site. If nothing else, go see a therapist and find out why you keep avoiding the allowed/encouraged behavior that you want to engage in but don't.

[Beverley Sims]

I would refine your act, get out more and the apprehension will disappear.

[DaisyLawrence]

Maria -- you keep doing this to yourself. You *want* to go out. Your wife wants you to go out because it makes you behave better when you have that outlet. And you clamp down and make yourself (and her) miserable until you can't avoid it any more. She's a rock for you; be a rock for her. Do what makes you the best person. There's nothing wrong with being a man-in-a-dress if you're OK with it. We have a strong MIAD community here on the site. If nothing else, go see a therapist and find out why you keep avoiding the allowed/encouraged behavior that you want to engage in but don't.

Yeah that!