They Knew!

[Diedre]

To make a long story short, in my early teens I dressed and was quite passable with the help of a female cousin who had great makeup skills and a wardrobe of clothes that fit me.

My cousin came to know of my situation when she overheard my mother confiding to my aunt about her suspicions. Nonetheless, my cousin thought it was fun and many a Saturday when everyone was gone she would help me dress and we would go shopping and do lunch. However, once full puberty hit my stint of passing and going out was over.

I recently met up with my cousin and for the first time in years she brought up my hobby. I was stunned to learn that both aunt and mother knew what we were doing. It turned out my mother saw us out once and then later grilled my cousin on who her "new" friend was.

My cousin said she couldn't come up with a consistent story and caved in to expose our masquerade. My cousin said mother and aunt decided it was harmless and calling me out would do more harm than good. So let it run it's course.

Although in their late 80's, my aunt and mother are still alive. So do I somehow bring up the subject with my mother or just let a sleeping dog lie? After all it's been like 47 years.

[kimdl93]

Well, I don’t think it’s something you need to deal with, unless you’re making some changes in he way you live your life. At the same time, I doubt that either your mother or aunt would be particularly upset by something they’ve known for decades.

[Micki_Finn]

My question is what do you hope to accomplish by coming out to your mother? It sounds like you’ve been fine without her being involved in that aspect of your life so far.

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm not sure what advise on this, but if you decide to talk to them about it you have a great opportunity to thank them for making the right choice. They were wise and set a standard that is still not being met on a regular basis nearly 50 years later.

[DIANEF]

If you mother wanted this issue raised would it not have happened years ago? I'm pretty sure my mum knew what I was up to as a teen but in 40 odd years she's never mentioned it and I don't intend to either. I'd say nothing.

[Kayliedaskope]

Let the sleeping dog lie. If Mum or Auntie wanted to talk about it, they would. If they haven't ripped into their little boy for wanting to be a little girl on occasion, then I'd say you're in good shape as it stands now.

[Pat]

Although in their late 80's, my aunt and mother are still alive. So do I somehow bring up the subject with my mother or just let a sleeping dog lie?

Why would you not bring it up? Is it something you wonder about? Time to get an answer is limited -- if you never ask and she passes on or her mind starts to fade, you'll never be able to ask. You're being presented a huge gift and you're wondering if you should open it?

[DaisyLawrence]

You can let sleeping dogs lie if you wish but in my experience most sleeping dogs would prefer to get up and go for walkies. Lying around is what a sleeping dog does when there is no more fun to be had with something else. I'm with Pat on this one, go for it, it'll be fun.

Daisy

[Dana44]

I see no reason to come out to either of them. I would let the sleeping dog lie.

[Jasmine Rose]

I have been facing the issue of whether or not I should tell my mother. My situation is different, but I feel like many of the questions you need to ask yourself are the same.

I think you need to consider why you feel the need to tell her. Is it because you feel you will regret not telling her when she eventually dies? Is it because you think her knowing could lead to some particular positive outcome?

What if her reaction is negative? Obviously there are degrees of how negative it could be. Think about what the most negative reaction is that still falls within what you reasonably expect her reaction to be. Can you live with that scenario?

It is a risk. But if you feel like the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks, accounting for the likelihood of each reaction, you may want to tell her.

Ultimately it is your decision. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you.

[tammy1]

Seems to me that your mother and aunt viewed you as just growing up and going through a phase with the help of your cousin. If they were really concerned they would have questioned you then. My suggestion is to just leave everything as is and be happy.

[Jenny22]

Don't say anything about it to either one.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I'm leaning towards Pat's thoughts on this, but i'm a bit biased.
I've always had some regrets that I didn't try to come out to my Mother before she passed (thanksgiving day, 2005).

But there is reason to really give it some thought:
Is she fully mentally competent? With older folks who are suffering from any aged related memory issues, something like that can cause much confusion.
You would not want to do it to force some kind of conclusion, trying to alter the past is dangerous business.

I know this because my Dad, who i'm caring for has dementia and I came out to him 3 yrs ago. He has never brought it up and I have good reason to assume he's totally forgotten it, but worry that it will now come up in front of other relatives if he were to suddenly remember.

I suppose you could approach it without any commitment of coming out; maybe something like: "I learned recently that you knew that I was....blah blah and thank you for not embarrassing me about it.....wow, that's just so funny".

Just my 2 pennies worth.

[Stacy Darling]

I wouldn't/didn't make this same decision myself, and still won't!

I leave myself open to be questioned by my mother. She is more than powerful enough to question me/bring it up should she choose to! I'm content with the situation, Mother is content with our relationship, I'm not messing with my situation!

Do as your heart tells you, with no future regret Diedre!

Stacy!

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a closet CD who goes out a lot, Dierdre. To T friendly venues far from home with T friends only. I only tell people on a "need to know" basis!:straightface:

Unless you're planning on coming out? What would telling them accomplish accept burden them with your "secret"?

[Stephanie47]

Back in 2015 you posted your mother used you in her sewing business for hemming dresses/skirts that were your size. You further stated when you developed more interest in the activity she bought a sewing mannequin. I would not be a bit surprised that she has suspected all these years you are a cross dresser. If she wanted to bring it up over these years I'm sure she would have said something or given you a clue, a slip of the tongue, something. Leave it alone.

[Julia1984]

I would leave it. Despite Daisy's perceptive comments about sleeping dogs. Have you considered the possibility (no more than that) that your cousins version of events might not be wholly accurate? Why stir it up unless you need to do so for some reason?
Good luck with the decision.
Julia

[Jane G]

Let it lie. My mother knows I dressed as a youngster. I'm pretty sure all my aunts did too. 50 years on it has never come up in conversation. So unless you have a specific need or recent change in you life why would you want to burden her with it. Completely different if you were planning to come out.

[alwayshave]

My mother asked me during dinner a few years back whether I still crossdress, I said yes, no follow up. I would not bring it up unless she did.

[Judy-Somthing]

Forty three years ago my mother, brothers, and sisters knew I dressed in my teens. I don't know if dad knew.
They all considered it just playing around. Mother said it was just a phase.
As I got older, I went into the closet.

I don't think anyone thought of me as a cross-dresser or knew how strong my need to cross-dress was.

The only other times anyone saw me dressed was on several Halloweens or Halloween photos.

[mykell]

your mom and your aunt were kool, open up to them, what is the worst that can happen, a smile on the faces at this age would be nice.

look at it this way....you passed.....they grilled your cousin....kinda sweet they kept it to themselves.....how would you have reacted if they quizzed you about it back then ???

[Laura912]

You need to do what you need to do. If you do tell them, then as Sarah Charles suggested, say thank you.

[CONSUELO]

Ask yourself why you would want to raise this subject after so many years. Do you think that there is a misunderstanding that needs clearing up and closure or do you just want to raise the subject because you are curious about your mother's reactions both at the time and later? Indeed it may be best to just let the matter rest but only you can know if there is something that needs closure.

[Jennifer in CO]

there have been many posts about "Mom's knew" herein. Mine not only knew but did what she could for me without ever talking to me. When she died 10 years ago the subject still hadn't been discussed. There was nothing to gain in such a discussion. She knew, I knew she knew, she knew that I knew she knew and she still loved me - enough said.

[Ressie]

I wish I would have been more open with my mom about my crossdressing. The only person I told in my family was my sister. Both are now deceased. My mom had a good idea of what was going on when I was younger.

To me, the more people you can share this with, the more weight of keeping the secret will be lifted. As long as it doesn't hurt the person you're telling, why not? To start out I would just ask mom, "remember when cousin used to dress me up"? And, what did you think of that?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Interesting that there's a total dichotomy of opinion here. Let sleeping dogs lie versus time is running out to share this important part of your life with your mother.

The one opinion I cannot disagree with is Sarah Charles's. What mother wouldn't find pleasure in being reassured that she'd done the right thing so long ago?

[Beverley Sims]

There's always inquiries on family history that can reveal what went on all those years ago.

Just because it is not talked about it is something that is common knowledge.

Could make great research material.

Mother would probably like to relate it now.

[michelleg]

I guess I would agree with those who have said to just let it go and not bring it up. Maybe if it's something that you feel is very important to discuss with your mother about yourself and after all she is your Mom and loves you unconditionally then that's something you would have to do. Good luck with your decision, I hope whatever direction you take it brings happiness.

[Diedre]

Thanks for all the great input.

I think Julia 1984 may have hit it on the head with the comment that my cousins version of events might not be accurate after all these years. Or even if it happened at all and cousin made it up.

This dog is going to stay sleeping.