Telling Mom Tonight

[Jasmine Rose]

I have been considering coming out to my mom for a while now. I have exhaustively considered the issue from every angle I can. I have received the advice of people on this forum (see post titled "Coming out to my mom"). I have talked it over with my counceler. I have made multiple charts listing pros and cons.

I have come to the conclusion that I should tell her. And I will be telling her this evening. About 4 hours from now.

Life is too short. Time is too precious. I believe this is the right decision for both of us.

Briefly, here are my reasons for my decision:
1: No more lies.
2: She will probably discover me anyways, if she hasn't already. She lives with me. If I start the conversation, I can have more control over the direction it takes.
3: She does already know a little from my teenage years. She knew about the lingerie then, and she was supportive. This is a lot more than just the lingerie fetish it was then, but it is a good sign.
4: I don't want to live my life regretting what might have been.
5: I have considered the worst possible response that still feels like it could reasonably still happen. I can live with that scenario. At worst, I see it becoming a DADT situation. This is based on what I know about her specifically. I also consider the most likely outcome to be at least more supportive than DADT. Possibly a bit of weirdness for a while, but an overall positive experience.
6: There are so many good things that could come from this. I feel like we could become much closer if we can talk freely about this.
7: I need to be Jasmine part of the time. Only being Jasmine in the middle of the night is not fulfilling my needs.

There is much more I can say on this subject, but I will save that for another time. I have written 44 pages in my journal in the last 3 days. All trying to figure out what I should do.

When I go to talk to her tonight, I will have a few brief notes on paper so I can make sure I cover the most important things.

[audreyinalbany]

well, hope all goes well. Do keep us posted

[Dana44]

Hope it goes well for you Jasmine.

[Pat]

Good luck. :thumbsup: Remember this is the start of the conversation, not the end. ;)

[Amy Lynn3]

I see only good coming out of you telling Mom. I'm not sure I would say that if you did not live with her. You have much joy ahead of you in my opinion. Do keep us posted on what happens and good luck.

[Diane Taylor]

Walking around with your "secret" is like carrying a load of bricks on your back. Every time you come out to someone you shed one of the bricks. I think you're doing the right thing by coming out to your mother. Best of luck to you.

[Alenko]

I'm in the same position as you and I would like to tell my mom for the same reasons. I suspect my mother kinda knows about me, but it would be nice to verbally say it. Hope all goes well!

[mykell]

just a note of preparedness....yesterday a trans guy came to our LGBT club, she had told her mom of this the night before, mom freaked and tossed her out, i know no details but have seen the bad side of this, i think because it is still a power or control issue for moms and dads ???? so maybe have a plan in place if things go south....just sayin....im rootin for you.....i think with the history youve shared it will go well for you and your not doing a tah-dah moment and you sound like you have your ducks in a row....hoping this makes you closer to your mom it has ever been.

[April Rose]

I think your reason #2 is compelling. If you start the conversation you will have more control over it. For myself, I am out to everyone who is truly important in my life, and my life is definitely better because of it. You have obviously put enough serious thought into this to make it reasonable to proceed. Have courage, Jasmine dear, and good luck to you.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Best wishes Jasmine!

I hope there is joyous introduction, understanding and a happy new awakening out there in my home state tonight!

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes for a positive outcome

[Jasmine Rose]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words!

About three hours ago, I told my mother that I am a crossdresser. She is okay with that.

Half an hour ago, I became Jasmine, and I introduced myself to my mother. She is okay with that too.

Okay, so long version now. I came home from work, and I asked if we could turn off the TV so we could talk. I could tell she was getting ready for bad news. I told her that I had discovered something about myself, and I felt that she needed to know. And then I just said it. "I am a crossdresser". The look in her eyes said it all. I saw relief. She was relieved that I hadn't sat her down to tell her something terrible had happened. And that was the point. She didn't see that as terrible.

The hardest part over, I continued on to explain more about what being a crossdresser meant to me. I won't go over all of the things we said, but there were a few points that I needed to make sure she understood first. I am not gay. I do not want to crossdress in public. I do not want a sex change operation. I know that none of those are bad things, but it is important for her to understand what my revelation meant. I told that while I hoped for more, I only felt I had a right to expect two things from her. I wanted her acceptance, and I wanted her to keep my secret.

It was hard to gauge her state of mind throughout all of this. She was definitely thrown by it. She had questions. I answered them as best I could. I talked about the possibility of being Jasmine in front of her. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She was willing to give it a shot. I made sure she understood that if she wasn't okay with it, she could tell me and I would not do it in front of her anymore. Except she might still catch quick glimpses of me. But I wouldn't hang out as Jasmine in front of her. We agreed that she would "meet" Jasmine after dinner, and after a brief introduction, we could see where that left us. We would keep it brief so she could have time to process things.

After our conversation, we didn't talk about it anymore. I wanted to give her time to process what we had talked about so far. Dinner proceeded as normal.

After dinner, I got changed. I got myself ready, and I called down the hall. "Mom, is it alright if I show you Jasmine for a few minutes?" After getting the okay, I slowly walked out. She took one look at me and got a big grin on her face. She told me "That is a really nice dress. It suits you." That was probably the best thing she could have said to me. We hugged, and we talked for a bit. She even agreed to loan me some of her earrings.

I really think that waiting until after dinner was enough for her to work stuff through in her head. She was much more at ease about it when I came and talked to her as Jasmine. I am feeling really good about everything now. Telling her was definitely the right choice.

[Rachelakld]

well done.
I suspect most mums will react the same (dads not so much)

[Robyn16]

Jasmine, so glad you had a positive outcome, I am so Happy for you and your mom

[DaisyLawrence]

Jasmine. You've made my day, thank you.

[Drew GB]

So happy for you Jasmine. You give a lot of us hope. I too need to tell my mother and believe she will have a similar reaction however I am still very new to this so once I really know where I am then I can present to her. Out of curiosity did your mom inspire your name in any way or for that matter any bit of Jasmine?

[Isabella Ross]

JR...so happy for you. How can we truly accept ourselves if we can ask for acceptance from the ones we love?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I admire the way you worked through the decision, writing it all out, considering other people's advice, taking your time, and I'm glad your mum handled the news maturely. What a scary moment for her, wondering if she was about to learn something terrible.

May I very respectfully disagree with this sentence from your earlier post: 'I only felt I had a right to expect two things from her. I wanted her acceptance, and I wanted her to keep my secret.'

Why did/do you feel you have a right to expect anything from her? You're an adult, responsible for yourself. Your rightful expectations of protection and unconditional love expired when you turned 18, in the eyes of the law. Her feelings are her own, and in choosing to tell her your news you took responsibility for dealing with her reaction, whatever it might have been. It was your gamble, not hers, and the same goes for keeping your secret: when you take somebody into your confidence you may hope they will keep your secret, but you can't reasonably expect them to- again, it was your gamble.

To my mind it would be reasonable to say that you hoped for acceptance and her agreement to secrecy, but not to expect it of her.

I wonder if she will come back to you with further questions and concerns? - quite likely I would think.

I wouldn't consider telling my mother. I'm glad your relationship with yours is such that you felt able.

[mykell]

:GD: so happy for you....you know what kool moms like :love:

[Danielle t]

Congratulations mothers or sometimes unpredictable i’m glad it worked out for you

[CONSUELO]

So glad that it went well for you. You don't have to keep Jasmine a secret in your own home.

[Pat]

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! :love: If I tear up a bit it's because I never had that opportunity with my Mom (she died before I came to understand myself.) After all these years, your Mom finally got to meet you. I wish you both the best from here on. But remember, the conversation isn't over. ;)

[Monique65]

The greatest gift, a mother's love.

[Beverley Sims]

A well thought out strategy, I am glad it worked out well for you.

[Christie ann]

That is fantastic. I purposefully did not reply earlier as my disclosure to my parents was not the outcome anyone wanted. I think your mom will find having a daughter around is a great thing. I look forward to hearing more about jasmine spending time with her mom.

[Jenny22]

A happy, fairy tale ending!

[Melanie Moxon]

Wonderful news :)

[alwayshave]

Jasmine, congrats. I'm glad it went well.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Yay!!!!

It seems to me your fairly cautious and aware of the 'what can happen if I go to far' thing; but allow things to proceed normally.
I say that because in my time spent of the forums, there is some history of our kind taking a mile when all we need are inches.

Well done Jasmine, and it sounds like you have a truly lovely Mother.

[Dana44]

That is wonderful news Jasmine.

[Debra Russell]

So glad mom is so accepting, most are if it is just mom being mom. Very nice ..........now how about a pic :heehee:...................................Debra

[Leelou]

What a beautiful story, Jasmine! Thank you so much for sharing. As I mentioned in your earlier thread, my Mom knows and accepts but we haven't talked about it. Your experience has given me food for thought and I may consider having "the talk" with her sooner than later.

I do agree with Nikki that you may want to reconsider asking her to keep your secret. I know it's scary, but I've never sworn anyone to secrecy when coming out to them. She may really want to talk to someone about this, and you don't want to make her feel guilty if she ever feels the need to share with someone.

Congratulations on coming out to her!

[susan54]

So Glad it worked out for you Jasmine.

When my mother came to stay with me for about a year I decided I had to tell her so that I could dress the way I wanted in my own house. I couldn't take a long term period of not dressing. When I told her, I expected that she already knew and was shocked that she didn't because my mother is one very aware woman. She comes from a very traditional background and I expected some negativity but she just said "why shouldn't me wear skirts?". She herself was one of the first women in her community to wear trousers and got a lot of negativity from the old guard so perhaps she was visiting her own experience on me. During the time she lived with me before finding her own place I wore dresses or skirts every night for dinner with her and she was quite happy with it. In her day she was a very stylish lady and I can't help wondering if my own desire to dress as elegantly as possible is some sub-conscious attempt to win her approval. I didn't ask her to call me Susan (or refer to the name in any way) as I Just use that to make life easier for other people when I go out. Basically I am just me dressed up.

[kaleyg]

congrats! so happy for you!

[suzanne]

Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. That worked out about as well as it possibly could have, and your mom is fantastic. Her reaction to the first dress she saw you in, "That dress suits you." is absolutely perfect. It almost sounds like she had some prior awareness about your CDing and was ready for you. At any rate, she thought it was No Big Deal, which is the Holy Grail to me.

In the first part of your story, your mom thought there was something seriously wrong and was relieved to know you were a crossdresser. That suggests a possible tactic for the rest of us. If we can make our confessees think something really big and bad is happening in our lives, crossdressing will seem like nothing!

[Jasmine Rose]

Thank you everyone! The people of this forum have been so supportive and have brought up many good points to my attention.

One good point that I am hearing is concerning my telling her that I expected her to keep my secret. Thank you to those who said something about this. I want to be told when I am doing or am about to do something wrong. At this point, I don't think it matters. Her response to that expectation was "of course!" And she said it very sincerely and emphatically. I have since made sure that she understands that I never would expect that to apply to her talking to her therapist.

That said, I should not have told her that I expected her silence. That should have fallen under the category of "things I hope for". It should have been a request. It is only fair to ask someone to keep a secret if you ask before telling them what the secret is. Even then, it should be asking, not telling.

I am still going to talk to her about it. I don't think it matters, but I will discuss it with her anyway. I will let her know it was unfair of me to expect privacy after the fact. I will then make sure she knows that I would still prefer things to stay private. And if she feels like she really needs to tell someone, then giving me a heads up about it would be really great.

On a separate note, I went shopping with my mom today. We were shopping for her. She had a gift card from Christmas she wanted to spend, and she wanted some shirts. I have to drive her due to her various physical limitations, so I typically go with her when she goes shopping. Usually, I just go to the furniture department and find an easy chair to sit in while she uses one of their motorized shopping carts. Today, I walked with her through the store looking at various tops, and telling her my opinion on what I thought was cute. Giving her my opinion on feminine clothes just didn't feel so weird anymore. Sure, in the past when she would ask "do you like this shirt?" I would give her a short yes or no, but I didn't volunteer information. It turns out we have very similar opinions on fashion.

I look back at all of the times I shopped for her for Christmas or birthdays, and I realized that I loved to look for clothing for her. Even before I really understood my own desire to wear it, my subconscious clearly enjoyed picking out clothes to wear. Now, I can not only do it at a conscious level, but I can do it with my mom.

I really wish everyone here could have what I am having with my mom. I hope you have as wonderful a day as I am.

[Lydianne]

As perfect an outcome as could have been expected! You sound so unburdened, and I'm pleased for you :). A very well thought through process on your part - and not just because of the result.

Best wishes for the future!
- Lydianne.