Are you ever fearful for your masculinity?

[Emma S]

Let me start off by saying, I love crossdressing. I really do. I've been doing it my whole life and now I'm 33 and I don't see it going away. It might come and go but I truly believe that it will always end up coming back. As I type this I'm wearing a bra underneath my male clothes. It just feels good. But sometimes I worry that once you start down the rabbit hole you can't come back out. Although my personality isn't always the most masculine, I've always felt comfortable being a guy. I've never thought that I'd ever transition. And although I have had some sexual encounters with men, I've always considered myself mostly straight with the occasional mess around. Within the past month or two I've now come out to 2 different girls about my dressing and suddenly I feel like dressing and now even guys have been on my mind a lot. Don't get me wrong, I would still say that I'm mostly the same as before but every time I talk to them it gets exciting all over again and makes me want to do more. Where the problem comes in is that I'm afraid that once I head down this road what was once an occasional instance might mean I start losing my masculinity. I really don't mean any offense here, you ladies are all so beautiful and I'm happy for everyone on here, I guess I'm afraid that maybe the occasional dressing might not be enough anymore and that it will become more of my everyday life. I know what some would say, you might be happier. I think I just want to know I'd be happier because it's what I really wanted all along. I know I'm the only one that can know that for sure but I just want to see if anyone else has felt this fear along the way and what conclusions did you come to?

[kimdl93]

My lord, I’m twice your age! I’ve been transgender since I can remember, and through the many decades, I was mostly hidden and underdressed. Both my first and last wife knew...both tolerated the underdressing and bedroom play. I would say that for most of that time I had a relatively subdued struggle with my conflicting gender feelings, and honestly, I harbored a latent fear that once I dressed fully as a woman, and perhaps ventured out as such, that my maleness would be at risk.

i don’t mean to alarm you, but that has very much my experience. Once I had the opportunity to go out, openly, I found it exhilarating and very very difficult to let go. My last marriage undoubtedly failed because I wanted to live much more of my life as a woman and my ex couldn’t deal with it.

The shock of separation and divorce drove me back deep into the closet and into depression. Now some 30 months later, I find myself struggling again, simultaneously wanting to fly free again, and deathly afraid of the consequences.

I judge that that you’re single, and you have the luxury of being part of a new generation less plagued by internal and cultural prejudices. You can choose your partners...females in particular...based on those who can not only tolerate/accept, but also enjoy you in your entirety.

My advice: Don’t worry about your masculinity, allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your gender identity and sexuality in all its complexity and beauty.

[Tracii G]

It can only go as far as you let it go as far as the rabbit hole analogy.
Losing your masculinity ? I don't think you will ever lose that because you identify as a male.
Just because you like to dress does not mean anything as in sexuality.
You have dabbled a bit with men so you may be bi curious or bi sexual but you are still a man.
Just because you confide in someone your secret does not make you go deeper in the alleged rabbit hole you speak of.
You go as far as you want to go because it is a choice you make and you are not forced in any way to go to the other gender.
Your questioning is very common so you aren't alone feeling that way.

[Lacey CD]

I have lived right where you're living only I was 10 years vounger and married(I assume you're single sans any mention of a spouse). It was the 80's and as Kim pointed out, quite a different time and atmosphere than what we find ourselves in today. I went down the rabbit hole too soon and too deep and paid a hefty price. I lost my marriage and my self respect. It took some time and a lot of therapy to get the latter back. But these are indeed different times and if I had to do it all over again but in the more accepting society we live in today, I wouldn't hesitate but would proceed with caution. And as has been stated previously, YOU choose this and if you are at all self aware, you will know when you're going to far for your comfort level. I highly recommend seeking out a licensed therapist with some experience in gender issues. They can help you sort things out and best of all, help you find a balance in your life that incorporates both the masculine and feminine!

[Robertacd]

Once you truly accept who you are, that fear disappears along with the rest of the self defeating fears and anxieties.

[Micki_Finn]

The only way to “lose” your mascilinity is if you close not to express it anymore. And if that’s the case, well that was your choice and you haven’t “lost” anything have you?

[Confucius]

There was an old joke that went something like this: Question - What's the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual? Answer - About six months.

I understand your analogy with the "rabbit hole". One of the problem's I've encountered with crossdressing is the problem with escalating crossdressing. From my personal experience, the thrill of crossdressing is caused by an automatic and involuntary response from a neural network within the brain which releases feel-good neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and others) and produces the sensations of gratification, pleasure, comfort, etc.. However the way the brain works, when we do the same thing over and over, it causes the brain to fatigue and release less of the feel-good neurotransmitters. We seek the thrill of earlier crossdressing experiences, but it seems we need to continually push the envelope and go further into our feminine alter-ego to get those sensations. It got so bad for me at one point that I seriously considered permanently changing my gender.

I love crossdressing, but I also love my wife, my family, my career, and my male side too. I had to make a make a tough decision, and put limits on my crossdressing. I focused on things about my male side that I value. My wife needs a man who will love her, protect her, and respect her. She needs to love a man she can respect and honor, and I want to be that man. I want to be a great father to my children. I want to provide my family with the security they need. So I don't crossdress as much as I wish. However, I crossdress enough to satisfy my own personal needs. I believe I've reached a happy point where my needs and the needs of my loved ones can be achieved.

I know others here have taken a different route, and I'm glad for them. In some ways I am envious of those who can crossdress in public, but that's just not me.

[~Renee~]

I know what you mean, as I am struggling with similar issues of fearing runaway feelings. See my intro post. Like this thread, I have gotten lots of sound advice in my threads too. All I can add is that it's vital for you to gain control of your thoughts and feelings. I know I can't beat what goes on inside me, so based on the advice I received, Im going to enjoy my gift as I see fit. Most importantly, I am not going to feel any guilt nor fear these feelings running away. If I continued with those twin emotions of guilt and fear, I would not be the best person I could be and I thank those giving me that advice.

~Renee~

[Stephanie Julianna]

No. I am fearful for my femininity which does not get enough chance to express itself.

[docrobbysherry]

Emma, early on when I first began dressing at age 50 I often thot to myself, "What r u doing wasting so much time and effort on playing dress up?"

Then, I thot, "What r u, some kind of sissy!?"

My conclusion was, "Who gives a dam about that? I'm enjoying it, not hurting anyone and seem to need it now in my life."

That was 20 years ago and it's been full speed ahead for Sherry ever since!:devil:

[Becky Blue]

No. I am fearful for my femininity which does not get enough chance to express itself.

I am with her!!

[Beverley Sims]

Masculinity?

More concerned about my femininity, not much chance of losing that tho'.

[Emma S]

First off, thank you ladies so much for all of your responses! It not only feels good to hear others' advice but also to know that others have these feelings as well. I was thinking about this while at work and after reading your responses and I think that probably the best thing for me is to proceed slowly and enjoy myself along the way. If I feel like dressing, great. If not, no big deal and just know that it I might find out things about myself that I didn't think were true along the way. I just need to keep self reflecting. Although, self reflection is something I never had a problem with, in fact, it can sometimes make me over think things too much. Maybe that's the reason this post was created in the first place. I suppose the advantage I have that many of you did not at my age was this community so from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for being there for me. I would still like to hear any other responses and advice as to how you have tackled this problem as it came up for you. Thanks!

[Joni T]

Wow--I don't even remember 33. Now to the OP's question--nope.
Jon

[CONSUELO]

I have never been sure of what defines masculinity other than its genetic expression. I have never been comfortable with what is sometimes called "macho" and I avoid it wherever it is being displayed.

I know I have masculine traits but not the traditional macho ones. I know I have some more feminine traits also.
But to answer your question I am comfortable with who I am and not at all afraid of losing some poorly defined thing called masculinity.

[Sarah Doepner]

When people started equating masculinity with "Macho" and various displays of power I was happy to turn in my "man card". Both masculinity and femininity are much more complex than the stereotypes we so often see. They are also have a lot of things in common once you strip away the superficial nonsense. My advice is go for happy human.

[Stephanie47]

I think one has to define the word "masculinity." Also "femininity." I've done everything society has deemed as the proper role for a man with a pair between his legs; good student to enable getting a good job, engaged in some serious military activity (ouch), married a great woman, raised kids who now have great spouses and jobs, retired with a good pension and assets, good husband for forty six years and counting, great grandfather.

Yes, I love to wear women's clothing on occasion, and, given the opportunity I'd wear them more. Why? I have no idea why. Gave up trying to figure that out a long time ago. However, for a long time I thought wearing women's clothing was a psychological attack on my masculinity. What I accomplished in life is achieved by women too! Nothing masculine or feminine about it.

If you're going to hop into bed with a man and next time with a woman, that's all about sexuality. So you swing from both sides of the plate. People will do whatever they feel comfortable doing. Nobody is forcing you to wear women's clothing. Nobody is forcing you to bed down for the night with a man or a woman. If the occasional dressing is not enough for you, then spread your wings a little. At some point you'll hit your limit and find that balance.

[Joanne Curl]

I like losing a little bit of and replacing it with a little feminity.

[Pumped]

Lose my masculinity? Not sure how much I had anyway! I ride motorcycles, and do engine work, auto repair, but other than that I hate most things men do. Sports, hunting, fishing all leave me cold. I have been asked to go on fishing trips with the guys but the excess testosterone that gets flying around when back bunch of macho guys get together scares me.
I remember growing up spending time with girls instead of doing the manly stuff the rest of the guys were doing. I cry at sappy movies, love to cuddle with my wife and love shopping for clothes.

Most guys would say I gave up my man card years ago.

[LilSissyStevie]

When I was younger I suffered from extreme anxiety as a result of PTSD. One of my anxieties was the constant feeling that any minute I would snap and lose all connection to reality. I would go crazy and never come back. But the more anxious I was about this, the crazier I got. Until one day I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to quit trying to hang on to my sanity. I allowed myself to go totally bonkers. Anything would be better than how I felt. But, once I let go *nothing happened* except that I was no longer anxious about my sanity. I felt more relaxed than I had for years. The same thing happened with my homosexual anxiety and my emasculation anxiety. Once I let go of heterosexuality and masculinity I found that they just wouldn't leave. Outside of my fetishistic associations with gayness and femininity I'm unremarkably straight and masculine. Boring but true. YMMV, of course.

[Asew]

I am not fearful of losing my masculinity, I have always had a balance of masculinity and femininity that works for me and for me more crossdressing is just exposing a little bit more of that femininity and not losing anything. Though I do sometimes fear for my 3 sons masculinity but they seem to have their own balance as well (and family and friends that help out with that balance).

[Jaylyn]

I suppose I could lose some masculinity and still be a guy. I don't ever want to transition into a woman. Don't think though it hasn't crossed my mind to have my own breast, wear the clothing and makeup full time. I haven't fantasized much about being with a guy but had a room mate once in college I didn't get to pick who the room mate was but I found out he was gay. We were both trying out for the same football team. I can say he was a very kind hearted, polite and very manly individual. I have loved dressing since I was too little to remember and mom saw to it that I had long golden locks of hair and let me play in her things. That's how far back my CDng goes. I did not do any in college except smooth shirts n undies made me feel better. I can't say that if I was into it then as much as I love it now I might have tried things that I now regret sometimes when I'm dressed. I'm too old now to change much and happily married and have grandkids that don't need to know any more about my activities except hunting n fishing n playing fair in the game of life. I am not in the least fearful now that my masculinity will be hurt in any way, although my leg may get broke by trying to wear my six inch heels one of these days. If that happens y'all tell every one" he fell out of his ladder deer stand..oh that poor guy. "

[Monique65]

If losing some of my masculinity means being less aggressive, combative, or confrontational, then I'm all for it. I am striving for a more gentle, accepting, and softer outlook which I see as being more to the feminine side. At heart, I'm still a guy but with definite femme attributes.

[Michaelasfun]

I actually embrace losing masculinity, as I never felt I measured up to the "he-men" of our generation (caveat: I'm sure few do if you're trying to match what's seen on TV and movies lol). I started dressing in my late 40s and haven't looked back, graduating from auction site purchases to shopping at dept. stores en femme for new things. I can't wait to get home from work to get out of "guy" mode and get into something I really like. My .02: embrace where this takes you, life is too short to be unhappy or live up to someone else's expectations. See my quote below ;)

[Dana44]

I lost some of my masculine and I love dressing. But yet I know I am still a guy. I am okay with it.