Came Out (again)

[IleneD]

I came out to my brother while on vacation in FL. Of all my siblings, I’ve had the best relationship with him.

I was scared out of my senses just thinking about it. It wasn’t easy.

My younger brother is and always has been a ‘bad-ass’; an old school conservative fightin’ American male. I’m 6’3”/ 215lb and an athlete. He’s smaller but I wouldn’t want to have to fight him. Three yrs ago at age 55 he knocked a guy out with 2 punches on the street; something he’s been doing for a long time. Tough and takes no shit.

Letting him know held a risk of a bad, even violent reaction. If he reacted, “I should just kick your ass right now.”, I would not be surprised.

The first thing he picked up on was my pierced ears. He hadn’t seen me in about 2 yrs. He asked what THAT’S all about.

Yesterday morning over coffee he initiated a discussion about transgenders. “Hey I saw on your FB page a reply of support you sent some transgender Marine.” OMG. I thought I’d adequately sanitized my social network. So began a few sentence discussion on TG.

My brother was predictable in his response. TG was a mental illness. That these “guys” were just messed up men. That the govt shouldn’t let TGs serve in the military, nor provide “free sex change operations.” I’m certain you’ve heard the same anti-TG lines before. I was disappointed, perhaps offended, at it but didn’t blurt out anything that might give me away.

Later I was walking around with no shoes. He spied my painted toenails. I tried to “explain it away” as a way to cover ugly toenail fungus. He bought it for a while, I think.

I spent the day pondering whether to come out to him. It bothered me that I failed to stand up and challenge his assertions. I knew better. I didn’t want to ruin the weekend. I passed on the opportunity to inform him about the realities of transgender peoples. But I would.

I built up to it. Late in the day I asked him to go down to the local sports bar for a drink.

Our first drinks were about half finished and we’d chatted for a while. I sprung my confession.

I told him that for most of my adult life I thought I was possibly gay, but it wasn’t really “that”. I said, “ This is going to be tough for you to believe, but I am a crossdresser. I wear women’s clothing.”

He gave me a laser-beam of a surprised stare. Disbelief, but it made what he saw of me make a little more sense..
He looked up to me, as little brothers do. I was the “family star”, being a career military man and pilot. I’d played college sports. According to him, I was the least likely human being EVER to come out as a crossdresser.

We talked. We talked about (of course) recently famous TG’s like Jenner and Beck. We talked about how this came to be, the motivations, and as best I could explain the “why”. We drank. I tried to explain that transgenderism is REAL; that the people who experience it are honest, not faking it for a fad. We discussed non-binary gender. We discussed it all. It’s difficult for muggles to wrap their brain around how a man could feel like and believe themselves to be female. For the CD or TG, it’s second nature but hard to convey.
It went well. My brother understood. He appreciated the brute honesty and that I respected him enough to not continue The Lie. He still loved me regardless and always would.

Coming Out removes the load and stress of pretending and hiding. Such a total relief to not carry it inside. There will be more questions. We are brothers. No doubt we will continue to talk about it and all the questions that naturally come with it.

[Leslie Langford]

Lovely story, Ilene, and kudos for what appears to have been a happy ending.

I guess the "True Grit" and the ability to face adversity head-on that was likely instilled (or at least reinforced) in you from all that military training has paid off in more ways than one. Coming from a macho culture and a similar on-going environment, this takes exceptional courage as Caitlyn Jenner has already shown us. But then again, that makes the resulting positive outcomes all the sweeter.

Well done!

[JocelynJames]

Great story Ilene. I should hope it goes so well if I ever decide to tell any or all of my 4 brothers.

[Stephanie47]

Nice story. Maybe if people were not only confronted by BS yelled by unknowing politicians and people, but, also were confronted by cross dressers who were the supposedly least likely to be cross dressers, people would be more understanding. Yeah, how does a brother reconcile his prejudices when he is confronted by a brother who reflects everything society expects of a man. Glad your talk went well. Maybe next time your brother will defend transgender men and women, gays and lesbians, and cross dressers.

It has been said by many men and women in many different way that to remain silent when confronted with ignorance is the worst thing to do. Nobody has to get up on a soap box and out themselves. But, it would be nice to always confront bigotry when encountered.

[JulesLynne]

I don’t know that I’d ever feel the need to come out to anyone other than my wife. I’ve feared that discussion for decades, but found that once I came out and we got over the initial shock, things have been going amazingly smoothly.

[ClosetED]

Great story and happy ending! My wife has lied about who she told so I don't really know but no one has mentioned it to me. My oldest daughter comes home later today and may peek into the closets loaded with my clothes and might ask why there are bins with pantyhose filing one shelf and wigs behind sweaters in another closet. And 5 feet of dresses/skirts/blouses. Or she may not pay attention. I could hide it in basement, but wife put it in closet and I am willing to face it if asked.
Hugs, Ellen

[DIANEF]

I'm happy it went so well for you Ilene, nice story.

[Tamsin Secret]

Ilene,

I'm so pleased for you. I can only relate to when I told my wife and that was a big deal so I know how hard it must of been.

I hope things continue on a positive note between you.

[Lana Mae]

Great! So glad things worked out for the good! Congrats on your courage! Hugs Lana Mae

[Meghan4now]

Ilene,

That's a big step, and it really isn't over yet. But it sounds very encouraging. I think that most people that harbor prejudices do so as a parroting of things they heard. Typically they have never had a real sit down experience with those they judge. Often, if they do AND there is a diminished reinforcement of that attitude, they have at least some change of heart.

The other thing is that in my experience, siblings are often you best allies. Brothers and sisters in the truest sense.

[Pat]

Congratulations! I remember coming out to my Florida Republican brother. I thought I'd lose him for sure, but he came through for me. A pretty awesome day in my life. I'm sure it was for you too and I'm very happy for you both.:thumbsup:

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Wow, thanks for sharing that Ilene. Congratulations on having the confidence to put your ass on the line- I really admire you.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
That must have been a tough discussion , I take my hat off to you !

You sum it up well with the comment of the difficulty a non CDer wrapping their brain round it , I believe it goes for either gender , if you don't have that trait you never truly figure it out.

I guess the forum has helped you come to terms with it and give you the knowledge and confidence to come out and confront the outside World , next time will be easier.

OK the question is will your brother be happy to see you as Ilene ? It's one thing telling people but seeing the reality is totally different .

[Laura912]

First night landing on the carrier was easier than telling your brother but you did both. Well done!

[GracieRose]

Ilene,
Hard thing for you to do, and I'm glad it worked out. You gave him something to think about, and I suspect he will spend a lot of time thinking it over.
It seems that people get so excited and set in their ways when their group of acquaintances continuously parrot the same things. However, I like to believe that once they sit down and talk to someone that holds a different opinion/ experience etc. they are more likely to sympathize. It's no longer an abstract concept, but tied to a real person, and in your case, someone respected.
We all need to talk more face to face.
I hope your relationship with your brother continues to go well.

[Jenny22]

Ilene, my ex-navy sister, Teresa touched on a question I had in mind. Did your brother ask or hint that he might like to meet Ilene, or did you offer same to him?
You write so well, and the recap of your reveal was beautifully presented to we, your sisters. Thanks for that.

[Linda P.]

"He still loved me regardless and always would."

Beautiful.

[Julie Denier]

Nicely done, Ilene ;)

[Leelou]

What a great story, Ilene. Thanks for sharing. I'm so happy it went well, that's family for you. I love reading these coming out stories. I would have no problem talking to any of my three brothers if it ever comes up. I'm certain that my Mom knows since I was out with my first wife and they talked a few times after the divorce. I'm at a point in my life that I'm ready to have "the talk", and stories like these give me even more confidence. Thanks again.

[GretchenM]

Congratulations. I am so happy for you, Ilene. Love prevails in the end. It may be difficult for awhile, but I suspect his views will slowly change with this personal experience. Again, I am thrilled for you.

[Aunt Kelly]

What a wonderful story, Ilene. You give that brother a hug for me and tell him that he is too cool for words.

[Rogina B]

Everyone gave such nice responses of praise... BUT.. You told him you were crossdresser.. Not TG,as you didn't use those words.. Are you boxing yourself in ? A person like you describe your brother as may see your gender expression as voluntary,something different than you sometime express here. In another forum,you spoke of transition...A crossdresser does not usually transition.. I think people need to choose their words and explanations carefully in a "coming out" situation because it gets burned in the memory bank fast ! Don't mean to pee in your cereal,but explanations are important for all of us.

[lingerieLiz]

Very glad it worked for you.

[Teri Ray]

Great story Ilene. I am happy that you have a brother who loves and supports you.

[Chelsea B]

That is a great story. Im wondering if you’ve changed a mind, and maybe he’ll start to change others’ as time goes on.

[Tracy Irving]

Excellent positive outcome Ilene. It is always nice to read about personal politics having far less to do with our crossdressing than we think.

[Beverley Sims]

Ilene, I picture you crossing a creek choosing which stone to jump on next......

Well that's one creek crossed. :-)

[sometimes_miss]

also were confronted by cross dressers who were the supposedly least likely to be cross dressers, people would be more understanding.
It generally doesn't work out that way; people have strong beliefs about what is appropriate and what is not, and when a person who's distinctly male comes out as CD TG or TS, instead of understanding, they simply feel angry that they were fooled about that person. Caitlyn Jenner being the best example. Rather than accept that TS is a naturally occuring phenomenon, most people just thought he was mentally ill. Sure, a few will start to try to understand, but most just want their world to reflect how they currently feel, and not have to make any adjustments to it.

[bridget thronton]

Good story - great brother

[Rogina B]

It generally doesn't work out that way; people have strong beliefs about what is appropriate and what is not, and when a person who's distinctly male comes out as CD TG or TS, instead of understanding, they simply feel angry that they were fooled about that person. Sure, a few will start to try to understand, but most just want their world to reflect how they currently feel, and not have to make any adjustments to it.

EXACTLY ! And this is one of the reasons that I believe the narrative must be thought out before a transperson shares. Some shares are tougher than others and some explanations need to be more complete than others. Never flinching,nor backing down[aka "CONFIDENCE"] plays a big part. I believe that labels become important because a "crossdresser" is sometimes thought of as "recreational in need " where "transgender" is thought often as "serious gender issues" that the person is handling. Showing that you are the same person,in different packaging, sometimes works for the difficult cases.They will never give your situation much thought anyway,so just change the image in their heads,and move on.

[alwayshave]

Ilene, what a wonderful story. You have some guts.

[ginapoodle]

IleneD,

Excellent...well done. I had a similar supportive experience from my youngest daughter. Not so much from oldest daughter coming out last fall.

[Teresa]

Rogina,
Ilene is only on the first chapter with her brother, I doubt he is going to take in a bunch of labels at the moment , all he knows is his big brother is more than that he suddenly become a partial sister . He may leave it at that and not want to know more but if he does Ilene can move on with more detail in the next chapter .

[IleneD]

I'm on the beach right now and kind of laying low and won't spend a lot of time on the forum.
Just wanted to pop in and thank everyone for the comments and show of support; generally quite supportive and affirmative. Bless you, girls. There are some comments that are so interesting they deserve a thought out response. Give me time.

Thank you all. Yes, another bit of the load is off my back.

[Kandi Robbins]

Please forgive this but there is no other way to say it: that took real balls!

While I am pretty much fearless about where I go and what I do (and parenthetically I have no brother, which is a truly unique relationship), that could not have been easy especially given your brother's preconceived notions about TG people.

Thank you for your service and I mean that both as a veteran and a member of our little community!

I salute you!