Told the wife ....

[mikala]

While doing some afternoon shopping I said I needed a sports bra. I was pretty nervous, hoping she would say something like "ok", or "do you want me to buy it for you?", but she said, no, & said I should get a binder, and I said no, I really want to wear a bra. She said that's no good, and then I immediately said I want to be a women. It rolled off my tongue so fast it even surprised me. We talked about it for a good while that night. She said she wasn't totally surprised, based on me being caught wearing her bra and very fitted black slip a couple decades ago (I thought I looked really good in the bra with great makeup). But she really does not want me to be a women, but didn't say I couldn't dress, so that part is unknown. As dramatic as this was I was so releaved I finally told her I wanted to be a women. She assumed SRS, breast augmentation, etc.

Now 3 days later things are pretty good, but I want to crossdress in front of her real bad right now, but I don't think it is the right time. Maybe she's warming up to "things" .

Next day update - wife is especially pleasant today, no sign of hurt, anger, nothing but the most pleasant dimeaner. When I came home she had made a perfect meal for my weight losing diet, and was wearing very skinny jeans and a very tight black top (& no br*). Had a pleasant evening. Hopefully things will continue this way.

[Nikki.]

read the thread about how not to blow up your relationship. take things VERY slow.

[LeannS]

Take it slow breath deep and be the best husband possible also you might want to put her mind at ease talking to her about your eants and desires and listen to her about her concerns

Just my 2 cents

Leann

[2BArianwen]

What Nikki said!!!

[~Emma D~]

I’m not a great one to listen too, but from my experience, I would be careful, looking out for her.

It’s quite possible that she is in some form of shock, with a complete disconnect between you and what you told her.

[Teresa]

Mikala,
A couple of questions, the first is why didn't you wait to shop alone and buy the bra you wanted rather have an awkward situation while shopping with your wife . The other is she still remembered you wearing underwear from twenty years previously and put two and two together after all that time !

The bra purchase suddenly became a trigger to coming out , it happens ! Perhaps you should have thought it through to provide more answers before the outburst. At the moment all appears to going well but I would prepare yourself with some definite answers, maybe write it down with a history of your CDing , your wife is going to assume so many things, she now deserves some honest answers when she asks them .

[Kelly DeWinter]

It sounds as if you pulled the pin on a 20 year old hand grenade. You don't know if it will explode,fizzle or just sit there for another 20 years. Without asking for anything, keep the conversation going. As Teresa has said "honest answers".

[mykell]

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

i will be candid and say your technique is lacking tact.....should have planned it a we bit better.....i will also go out on a limb and tell you she probably is "not warming up to things"

brutal honesty is what is needed now.....DO YOU WANT TO BE A WOMEN ???? or do you want to dress. DID she ASSUME correctly ???? you both have some serious conversations coming up in your future....i hope it all works out for everyone.

[T Gram]

Where do I read this thread?

[mikala]

Well I know my technique was a bit abrupt, due to the emotional moment. To be honest I don't want to just dress, I want to be a women (as completely as possible, including long term HRT). She heard that "I want to be a women", and now I will wait for her to get used to this, or let her make futher requests for deviations. I will be happy to consider her requests for an alternate path.

[giuseppina]

You're going too fast, Mikala. I suggest you don't do anything more until your wife brings it up again, or about two weeks. Honest communication is the gold standard here.

If you search for posts by Marla GG, you'll find a lot of good advice.

[lingerieLiz]

So you want to be a woman? What about your wife? Does she want a woman for a SO? While I dress as a woman most every day and openly talk about feminine things I'm still a guy in bed.

[mikala]

Some have suggested I am going too fast. I am not going anywhere after my prior preferences which seems to be taken seriously and without conflict. I am in neutral with no words for the time being.

[Nikki.]

For those that asked which thread for wisdom on how to try not to blow up your relationship with your SO, , here’s one of the best I’ve read https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t

I also read all of Julie Freeman’s articles posted on the DVG webpage around the time I came out to my spouse as trans. We’re doing well after two years so I think it helped.

https://www.diablovalleygirls.org/so-support/

I also purposefully took almost no action for about a year after the reveal.

[Beverley Sims]

Talk about blunt and to the point....

As others have said, SLOW DOWN, and take a breath.

The positive here is your wife is still talking to you.

[Leslie Langford]

Mikala, it would appear from your post that you seem to have some difficulties reading social cues...exhibiting even a touch of autism, perhaps?

Blurting out in public while shopping with your wife that (a) you want to buy a bra and (2) that you want to be a woman...totally out of the blue and taking her completely by surprise??? WTF??? Who does that? But it gets better...you assume that your wife had a prior inkling of your crossdressing desires based on one solitary and isolated incident that took place...wait for it!...decades ago where you were found wearing her bra and a fitted slip.

So - it's all about you, then...you desperately want to crossdress in front of your wife...not in private, not on your own time, with no particular desire to go out into the big, bad world crossdressed to openly express your inner girl. No, you specifically want to crossdress in front of her. Why? What are you hoping to achieve/prove? Just to see how much you can push her buttons?

But no - your wife surprises you. She doesn't go ballistic or read you the Riot Act as so many other wives or SO's here have done when presented with a similar scenario. Instead, she goes all passive-aggressive on you.. she acts super sweet, makes you a nice meal, and puts on a sexy, provocative outfit.

No, mikala, she is NOT signalling her tacit approval of your crossdressing by doing this. Instead, she is clearly intent on showing you in no uncertain terms that in her mind, you will never be half the woman she is despite your best efforts and unrequited yearnings in that regard, but you're totally oblivious to those not-so-subtle signals. I'm even willing to bet that she has already made plans to move on and before long, SHE will make the big reveal to YOU about leaving you for another "real" man after lulling you into a false sense of complacency for the time being.

No sympathy from me here, mikala. What you really need to do now is to perform a "reality check" insofar as your relationship with your wife and your crossdressing are concerned, and for Gawd's sake, get your head out of your posterior before it is too late.

[DaisyLawrence]

Yeah, what Leslie said!

[AmandaRaquel]

Yes - Leslie is right on this one I think. You are going full speed ahead. Sounds to me like this feeling was building inside of you for a long time. Seems very unfair to unload like that to your wife and expect her to be super supportive. There is a lot to digest - including your desire to fully transition. I hate to say it, but make sure you know some good divorce attorneys.