When Did You First Know???

[rachel1985]

Hey ladies!!!

Here is a good one for you all...

When did you first know that you weren't who you physically are?

I knew, when i was around 8 i guess. I used to play Doctors and Nurses by myself, unfortunately i was alone for so long.
I never knew about sex changes, or anything, but i knew i wanted to be a woman.
When i was around 11, girls in my class, were going through their changes, and i befriended a lovely red head girl, called Sarah. When she got her first period, her mum showed her how to use a tampon, and then she showed me. Being ever inquisitive, i tried it myself too, and up till i was about 12, i continued to use them. Purposefully using them when she was on. Becoming "syncronised". It was great, she used to do my hair, and i'd do hers, etc etc.

So come on... When did you first know?

[Maria D]

I'm not entirely sure. That is to say, I've not known a time when I didn't know. When I was younger it wasn't so much a gender issue as a physical 'my body doesn't match my self-image of it' issue. Strange since it's hard to explain how I'd know what a woman 'was', but I can only say I did, explain it as you will.
It was only later that the social implications became obvious and the full meaning became more apparent to me, at about toddler age. By then I already believed that being this way was wrong. Not sure why, perhaps I'd been told off for something? Who knows.

Take care :)

[MarieTS]

Gosh, I've thought about this so much, so often.
I was two, believe it or not. I still see myself sitting on that floor looking around realizing that I was someone... else. Call it a toddler's sixth sense.
By the time I was 5-6 I really felt I was supposed to be a girl. :straightface: Then when I was in the 7th grade, well, I knew nature had bungled me. Although I had learned to pull off the boy role pretty well I really identified as a girl and it was tearing me apart inside. :sad:
The years that followed brought more of the same, but with greater insight. I've learned to cope and try to enjoy my dreams as much as nature will allow.
Does this ring a bell for some of you?

[Sweet Virginia]

All my life. Now I'm approaching 50 it's not such a big deal and I don't think female stereotypes are any more relevant to me than male. But doesn't a good skirt feel really good?

[Kimberley]

I think I have always known.
I have always questioned.
I have always agonized.

Tomorrow will be no different.

Kimberley

[Sarah Smile]

I have known for as long as I can remember, that *something* about me was different, but I have only realized in the past year or two that I am transgender. (I am 32 now.)

[ChristineRenee]

Probably when I first started cd'ing at the age of 12. I realized then that I wasn't exactly like my other male friends. I didn't realize that I was TG though until about four years ago.

[AmandaM]

When I was four I used to play with marbles. The girl marbles took the boy marbles and turned them into girl marbles. Then all the marbles were happy. Figure that one out! :D

[sue1970]

Hi all
I think I first knew when I was 5 or so but I had no clue what the term for it was, I just knew that I was supposed to be a girl not a boy. Oddly enough I think I lost sight of the truth for many a year. When I got to about 14 or so I had read about cross dressers and hey in my mind that’s what I was. I was no where near comfortable with that idea I should add. Fast forward to when I was 30 and on a particular occasion when I was in a shop for cross dressers. Every time the door to the shop opened I nearly jumped out of my skin! (the visit in question was not my first) The insanity of my nervousness cross my mind, after all any male coming through that door was going to be a CD. That oddly enough made me at ease about dressing in women’s clothes. There was how ever an issue, the more I got to know CD`s and chatted about dressing the more I realized that I was not a CD`er but that I was mentally and spiritually a woman. When that penny dropped it was frankly the most liberating moment of my life. As that wonderful American expression goes `I started to join the dots' re my behaviors and what not. So much made sense.

To finish what I would suggest is that first and foremost we can lie to our selves so so well (some on my women friends knew that I was TS and when I told them they were both happy that I was accepting the truth and some what surprised that it took me so long to work it out!). As a follow on from lieing or perhaps decieving ourselves I think that there is two levels of knowing as it were, one deep inside and then the more external, front of brain knowing.

Susan

[Helen MC]

Even years before I first tried on a pair of my big sister's knickers (panties) when I was 12 I always felt that I was a bit different and was never a boyish boy.

I hated team games/sports and "rough and tumble" activities and still do. I cannot stand getting dirty. In 1950s to mid 1960s Britain when the short back and sides army style haircut was the norm for men and boys I always wanted my hair long, and from my teens till nowadays I do wear it as long as I can. I had always hated the uncomfortable and ugly male underpants of those days , white boxer short type garments with a vertical slot in the front and even then had a wish to wear girls knickers instead, a desire I was able to gratify when we moved house when I was 12 and I got my own bedroom instead of sleeping on a folding bed in the living room (lounge) and therefore had privacy at last and could borrow a pair of my sister's knicks to wear every day.

To this day I have a strong female side to my persona, not only in Cross-dressing but in outlook. I am not competitive, not ambitious, a follower not a leader. However I am not a team player and never will be, but like as far as I can to do my own thing and stand aloof from what I do not want to do. For example I never attend any social functions related to my employment and keep my work life and personal life as far apart as I can.

[MandyTS]

Good morning,

This is an interesting question, because I have my classical answer and then the real involved answer... I will try and sum it up fast here.

I believe that I had ideas that I was different than everyone else at an early age (between 4 and 5). For all my life I had been going to these strange doctors who wanted to study my parts between my legs, and knew something was wrong. My early childhood was not filled with gender specific activities, I was in all essence an only child and my parents did not really do much to limit my toys and activities. When I was young I played with whatever was avalable, and that was a steroptypical mix of male and female stuff. For example I played house and kitchen with my dolls, and then I would go outside and play with my trucks in the sandbox. Later I would make a little city on the table and talk about people in the cars, which escalated into a army scene where the black army guys were fighting the green ones, etc. It should be said that even today I feel a homaginous mix of male and female as I choose my final sex assignment.

At 6 and 7 years old I was always made fun of because I did not wear my clothing like the boys, want to participate in boy activities, and wore glasses. I was also slower than many of the boys so that did not help. About that time I started asking about makeup and girly things... that side was coming out. I had dreams that I would wake up a girl... I believe that side was starting to be really known. By the time I was nine I learned about sex reassignment and knew that someday I could be a girl... and my parents knew nothing about any of this.

Interestingly enough the doctors saw many of these things about me that were "girly" at an early age and wanted to reassign me many times in my childhood. Knowing what I know now it all makes since... since my brain and many parts of my body have been female from birth...

So the answer is maybe 6 or 7, maybe 9, maybe 23 who knows...

Mandy

[CaptLex]

Hey ladies!!! Here is a good one for you all...
When did you first know that you weren't who you physically are?

Hey, Rachel:

I hope you don't mind if I answer the question, even though I'm not one of the ladies. :eek: As a matter of fact, I was talking about this to my therapist yesterday. My earliest recollection was at 4-1/2, and I also knew at that early age that I couldn't tell anybody - especially not my parents.

I kept the secret to myself for many years, but somehow thought that things would straighten themselves out and I'd be able to become a boy someday. I crossdressed as a teenager, but when puberty struck (like a thunderbolt) I had to accept that I was stuck in a girl's body and the female hormones my body produced (along with others I had to take), made that fate inevitable for me.

Just over a year ago (after a couple of decades) I stopped taking female hormones and that little 4-1/2 year old boy woke up and demanded a new wardrobe again. And I've been dealing with making sure he doesn't go back into a coma ever again. :happy:

[rachel1985]

Wow! Such a response! I'm so proud of you all, i was just wondering, i know i was always someone else. For instance, i'm the only male that i know of, who washes my hair daily, doesn't cut their nails, but instead files and varnishes them, performs normal female roles on a daily basis, as well as connecting with a woman more than anyone i know.

I can honestly say i can watch an arguement between a couple, and take the females side, always!

But feel free ladies to keep going, i'd love to hear more!

Rach
xxxx

[Maria D]

I think I have always known.
I have always questioned.
I have always agonized.

Tomorrow will be no different.

Kimberley

Then make tomorrow different. Agony hurts (stupid thing to say of the year award nomination) so ask yourself, 'why suffer?' Of course if the answer is along the lines of not hurting family, that's tricky. Who wants to hurt people?


Rachel, I was watching an arguement today between a couple. One wants to buy their mother a tumble-drier because it packed up, and then go round and use it when needed, and does not want drying clothes left around the house. The other wants either to dry the clothes around the house, or to buy a drier for themselves, since they don't want wet clothes ferried about in the car or lying around damp waiting to be taken to the Mum's. They have just moved into their flat, hence the lack of drier.
They have little money and as of yet, the arguement isn't resolved. They are a normal non-TG couple who I happen to be friends with. Who's side are you on? I'll let you know what they decide when they resolve it ;)

Oh, out of interest, who's side do you take when lesbians argue? Hehehe, stereotype that.

Sorry, playful. Take care :)

[rachel1985]

Rachel, I was watching an arguement today between a couple. One wants to buy their mother a tumble-drier because it packed up, and then go round and use it when needed, and does not want drying clothes left around the house. The other wants either to dry the clothes around the house, or to buy a drier for themselves, since they don't want wet clothes ferried about in the car or lying around damp waiting to be taken to the Mum's. They have just moved into their flat, hence the lack of drier.
They have little money and as of yet, the arguement isn't resolved. They are a normal non-TG couple who I happen to be friends with. Who's side are you on? I'll let you know what they decide when they resolve it ;)

Oh, out of interest, who's side do you take when lesbians argue? Hehehe, stereotype that.


hehe You wanted to see me squirm! Ha! Heres my upper hand. Look at the bigger picture, both of them are being selfish, either buy it for someone else and use it possibly more than the person who it was bought for, or buy it for themselves and the parent goes without. Now I ask you, why are they buying the tumble dryer? Why can't the parent buy it?
My mother lives less than 2 miles away from me, however i do not buy her anything, unless it is a birthday, mothers day or xmas.
If it is for an occasion, so ruling Xmas out, why are they buying an appliance? That isn't a present, thats a stereotypical thing, i would never buy mother an appliance, as that pushes the male to female stereotype forward, subconsciously telling the parent that a womans place is the kitchen.
A Womans Place Is Freedom, Not The Kitchen.

Now, for a lesbianised relationship, this again, is you trying to trivialise. Now most, and i say this lightly, gay relationships, there is a dominant one and a submissive, reason for this is the fact of genes, one will have more male genes in there body than the other. Not a choice. Now the submissive will tend not to argue, however, in the state where both of them are the same as each other, that is just silly. My closest friends (one of them being an ex partner) are a couple of lesbians, and they support me, and same as me to them. Now I will always mentally back my ex partner, however i know the submissive is her girlfriend, and i will back her instead.
However, i must point out that this is my opinion of life, as this is also science (sorry i excelled in science as a child).

Rach.
xxxxx

[Maria D]

Interesting answer. In terms of gender stereotyping it's a real arguement. She wants to buy her Mum a drier to replace the broken one, and then use it. The mum can't buy it because she's skint in a council house, and the daughter feels that helping family is important. He wants to have a drier for themselves, and so not rely on someone else or have the hassle of her driving the clothes to her Mum. The compromise of not having a drier won't work because she doesn't want clothes making the place look untidy while they dry. It would be him that did the washing and drying, btw, not her. This is because he's a neat freak. There's no gender stereotyping here, just two sides of an arguement. I just wondered who's side you'd choose ;) Me, I think he's right. If they buy a drier they are self relient, don't have to worry about Mum being in, and don't use her electricity.
I'll let you know what they decide. :)

Regarding the lesbians, I wasn't trivialising as such, just drawing your attention to your statement that you take the female's side in an arguement. I just thought that it might be difficult (or very easy) to do in an arguement with two females; and to maybe find out why you always choose the female side. Sisterhood solidarity or a belief that the female is always right? Just my musings on things, I tend to think too much lol

Take care. BTW, Rachel Lindsey is my sister's name. :)

[pattied]

I have known for as long as I can remember, that *something* about me was different, but I have only realized in the past year or two that I am transgender. (I am 32 now.)

This description is more inline with my discovery as well. At ages 5-6 I began crossdressing. In kindergarten (around age 5) I told classmates I played with in the yard that I wished I was a girl... Funny how it took me 25 years to put it together though that I am TG.


Then make tomorrow different. Agony hurts (stupid thing to say of the year award nomination) so ask yourself, 'why suffer?' Of course if the answer is along the lines of not hurting family, that's tricky. Who wants to hurt people?

Hey Maria.. Can I nominate "Why suffer?" to that award as well?:)

[barbie lanai]

Interesting question, can't put my finger on the actual date it first started.

But just did a google search of an event I remember. And by that time; the idea I'd rather be a girl was already there. The event was in the paper in town and my folks were talking about it.

Here's the event.

A media sensation was created on December 1, 1952 when the New York Daily News carried a front-page story (under the headline "Ex-GI Becomes Blond Beauty") announcing that in Denmark Jorgensen became the recipient of the first successful sex reassignment surgery.

I would be 7 in a few days.

[rachel1985]

Regarding the lesbians, I wasn't trivialising as such, just drawing your attention to your statement that you take the female's side in an arguement. I just thought that it might be difficult (or very easy) to do in an arguement with two females; and to maybe find out why you always choose the female side. Sisterhood solidarity or a belief that the female is always right? Just my musings on things, I tend to think too much lol

Well isn't that a kick in the teeth?! Ha! Well spank my ass and call me a bitch! hehe

Oh well, no, i take the female side, because i was brought up in a family of women, my father being never around, my younger brother, well, young, and then me being the eldest. So as i grew up, i was always watching my parents fighting, i was then it turned to me, then my sister. I hated watching my dad belittle my mum when i knew she was right etc. So i in a sense i'm a biased middle person, because i'll always take the womans side.

Now, here i am, mentally a woman, not physically, and i'm wondering who would back my corner when i need it? Certainly not my dad.

[Maria D]

Well isn't that a kick in the teeth?! Ha! Well spank my ass and call me a bitch! hehe

Oh well, no, i take the female side, because i was brought up in a family of women, my father being never around, my younger brother, well, young, and then me being the eldest. So as i grew up, i was always watching my parents fighting, i was then it turned to me, then my sister. I hated watching my dad belittle my mum when i knew she was right etc. So i in a sense i'm a biased middle person, because i'll always take the womans side.

That makes sense. Better to know you're biased. I'm sure I am too, but in a 'freedom to be who you are' way. I probably bang the drum too much and bore people.


Now, here i am, mentally a woman, not physically, and i'm wondering who would back my corner when i need it? Certainly not my dad.

Hopefully you'll get whatever backing you need from the good people, whoever they may be.

Pattie, you can nominate anything you want :)

Take care :)

[Kimberley]

Maria,
You hit the nail on the head about not wanting to hurt people. My last session, my pdoc stated that if I was young she would refer me to a gender clinic in another large city like Vancouver or Toronto. Today she is urging I find work that takes me away from home for extended periods. Not likely that is going to happen. That is the background there.
I am married (if you want to call it that) and have 2 adult children whom I adore. I dont think either of them could handle my situation or the changes. I also have a father with whom I have reconciled a couple of years ago. He would definitely not understand as would my sister (I am close to her) or my brother who I could care less about. There are a number of others as well, and I know none of them could accept a change.
This is why I have opted to retain the status quo. My only wish is that my wife could at least tolerate crossdressing. However, that is not to be. So for me, I am in limbo (or purgatory if you choose).
I guess I need people I love for support and there is no way I have the strength to walk away and go it alone. So, that is why I suffer as I do. I have lived with it for 50+ years so what is another few?

Kimberley.

[Maria D]

I like everyone to be happy, that's what we all deserve, and that's the main thing I think important in life. But there's the problem, a situation that's likely to upset someone one way or the other. I don't see something certain to cause someone pain a gift I'm afraid. What's the answer? Well, maybe there's no right answer, just what each person decides to do.
Nothing further I can say really. I made my choice, but that doesn't mean I don't question whether it was right sometimes. Guilt talking? Maybe, but then I swing back to thinking that I have the right to be me. I couldn't be a man any more, that's the difference I suppose. Of course, I never had children to risk upsetting either. Life is hard, sorry. :(

Take care.

[AngelAshley]

All I remember is being really envious of girls as I was growing up. Not just what they got to wear, but how they intereacted with each other, stuff like that. I was always drawn to things like My Little Pony but never got a chance to appriciate any of it fully :(
Got into cross dressing more or less as soon as I hit puberty. Never could kick the habbit. Then in my late teens I started going out dressed as a girl and interacting with girls more, and that's when it hit me that I really should be a girl...

[Kimberley]

Maria, no need to apologize hon. My situation is both fact and reality. There is no easy answer that is for sure, at least for me. For someone else they might be able to flip a coin and go.

I think that my situation is why I am so fixated on the younger people getting the answers before they make the same mistakes I did. My story is textbook classic for a TS and I really hate to see just one person have to live their life as a lie, right from the core. No, I have no problem standing up as a poster child for mistake after mistake.

What angers me (and hurts) are people who offhandedly dismiss things that they have not experienced. The thread about Petticoat Discipline was one of those and it had me in tears. The cat fight was horrible. There is nothing wrong with discussion and intelligent disagreement but not destructive criticism of which we have seen lately. There is no call for it.

I have never seen this from you and I do hold your opinions in high regard. I also applaud you for the decisions you are making. They are right for you and no one can say otherwise.

There are a number of others like this too and I think that the F2M's are all very straight up an honest without being critical. I have yet to see any nonsense from that forum.

Maria, you are one of the good girls.

Hugssssss
Kimberley.

[CaptLex]

There is no easy answer that is for sure, at least for me. For someone else they might be able to flip a coin and go. I think that my situation is why I am so fixated on the younger people getting the answers before they make the same mistakes I did.

You said it, Kimberley - there is no easy answer. I don't know if it's any consolation, but in my weekly support group there are older people who are just starting to question themselves and think about transitioning (or at least living their lives differently), and there are young people who are already in the process of transitioning, and each one has his own set of problems, regardless of age or stage of change. The older ones (like me) sometimes express regret that they didn't start the process when they were younger, and the younger ones feel that they don't want to make a mistake by starting it before they're old enough to know what they really want from their lives, i.e., children, careers, etc.

My best friend reminded me that if I had transitioned way back when, I wouldn't have my son now and I have no regrets with regard to him because he's very important to me. So when I feel down about not having been able to realize my situation sooner, at least I have that bit of consolation. I know it's trite to say things happen the way they do for a reason, but I choose to believe that in my case maybe it's true.

We can't usually go back and fix past mistakes and situations (Lord knows I've tried), but I hope there's a ray of hope in your future. :hugs:

[Kimberley]

You raise an interesting point Capt. Lex. The one about transitioning in particular. For instance, every day I wake up I feel crossdressed and it is not particularly comfortable because it is all drab. I do accept it as a social requirement. So, in that context I am CD 24/7 until I am able to change into the clothing of my natural female gender.

I think this is why I feel a sense of comfort at that time. It isnt an escape but a return. Does this make sense? I am not talking about glam sensationalistic dressing just dressing. Oddly though while it does affect me superficially I think that the core (Kimberley) just sighs because she is resigned to her lot. So while I may be drab and outwardly male my real self is there, chained and suppressed, obviously unhappy. Of course the effects are outwardly noticeable.

I think that we are always in transition one way or another right from our earliest childhood. Just as SRS is not necessarily a solution, neither is HRT or crossdressing. The real happiness is within and trying to let that child grow up is the real challenge for all of us. Everything else is window dressing.

I'm not sure I have articulated this very well.

Kimberley.

[CaptLex]

I think this is why I feel a sense of comfort at that time. It isnt an escape but a return. Does this make sense?

Yup, makes complete sense to me. I can totally relate to that statement. :^5:

[maid phylis]

for me it started at around five years old when i was left alone in my house and i tried on my mothers nylons.as i got older i started trying on her girdles and wearing her stockings.then i started wearing her shoes.in those days there wasnt a word that you could use to describe yourself so i just figured i was different.i always saved pictures of women and girls wearing their girdles and i loved the stocking commercials they had on tv.it took me a long time to come to grips with myself and i finally let it take its course.today i am out and i belong to cdi and i dress any time i can.to me dressing is part of my life and i am enjoying it very much.isnt wearing a skirt nicer than wearing pants .love phylisanne:cool: :happy: :blushing: :c9: :doll:

[Jennaie]

I remember always wishing I could wear the pretty clothing that my sisters and the other little girls got to wear. I remember feeling so left out when they would not let me play with them. My earliest memories only go back to about 4 years of age.

[SilkenPrincess]

I was first told I was a boy when my mother told me so when I was 4. I was totally shocked! It's something that I couldn't get over. To this day. And I'll soon be 50.

[Deborah]

Hiya Stephanie
Long time no see girl. :D

[CharlaineCadence]

I think I have always known.
I have always questioned.
I have always agonized.

Tomorrow will be no different.

Kimberley


I have know since i was 4 or five i always wanted to be in dresses. play with dolls ect. When i was old i was mad because i could not grow brersts and mature like the girls. I was jelous of my sister who had a wounderful relatinship with my mom. Over the years my jelousy grew more and more. to the point i almost hated my sister i was so jelous. but 25 years later i told my mom and i'm happy getting ready to live my life as i truely am.

[mistunderstood]

I knew I was male inside at 7,my first pair of tub socks. I was told these were sopost to be for boys but I could have them. They felt like they should have been on my feet all along.

[Shellybean]

Your posting rings big time bells for me.
shellybean

[Vivian Best]

A media sensation was created on December 1, 1952 when the New York Daily News carried a front-page story (under the headline "Ex-GI Becomes Blond Beauty") announcing that in Denmark Jorgensen became the recipient of the first successful sex reassignment surgery.

I would be 7 in a few days.

Hi Barbie,

The sensation you speak of, Christine Jorgensen's sex change, (as it was called then) hit me lilke a dump truck! In those days nothing was known about gender bending, M2F, F2M, homosexuality, I'd have to class those the dark days before the light of knowledge came and it became available to everyone.

All I knew was that I wasn't comfortable as a boy and I didn't know why! I loved girls things and I didn't know why! I didn't particularly like to do boy things and I didn't know why! Both my mother and grandmother told me I should have been a girl. NOW here is the kicker, If I had told my mother I wanted to be a girl and dress in girl clothes she would have probably killed me! And I mean physically! So I became real good at repressing things and holding them inside.

In 1952 I was 12 years old and when I heard about Christine Jorgensen's SRS it scared me to death. I knew that had to be my answer but what could I do about it. So I repressed it. I guess I still repress that part of me. I have reached a peaceful age and part of my life and I intend to keep it that way. At the age of 66 it wouldn't be worth the disruption in other's lives for me to do anything about it. That statement makes me wonder if it really was my answer after all.

Vivian

[MarinaTwelve200]

Hey ladies!!!

Here is a good one for you all...

When did you first know that you weren't who you physically are?

So come on... When did you first know?


Im only responding because the above question DOES NOT apply to me---Just to further empathize the fact that not ALL of us CDers see our fem selves as our "real selves"---we are not all alike, you know.

I started CDing about age 12 after experimenting with lipstick and then progressing from there. It wasnt till MANY years later that I finally worked out what was going on with me and why I had an urge to CD.

For ME, CDing is a psychological ESCAPE from my "real" male self. Sort of like taking a mini vacation away from ME. There is no one more different from ME than a woman, so as a "woman" I no longer feel that I am ME. The feeling is both a "rush" and extremely relaxing and unwinding. As "another person" I no longer have to deal with my personal worries and problems. As a woman, I can even drop the "male" "pressures and obligations"--even to the simple things like how I "must" sit , gesture and think as a guy, and completely turn loose.

I just wanted to reiterate the fact that about half of us CDers still see our "real selves" as being male. so it doesn't become a common misconception that ALL CDers see themselves as Females in male bodies.

[Sharon]

Im only responding because the above question DOES NOT apply to me---Just to further empathize the fact that not ALL of us CDers see our fem selves as our "real selves"---we are not all alike, you know.


But here in the Transexual Forum, we do see our fem selves as our "real selves" -- your quotes, not mine.

[Sarahgurl371]

Five minutes, ago, again. Then not. I go like this everyday for the past two years or so. I have been "dressing" in some form or another since about 6 or 7. NEVER acknowledged any of this other then as a "fetish". While dealing with all this with my wife, I had to ask myself all the questions that she would ask. I wanted to be able to tell her the truth. She has a right to know after all. It has been during this discovery phase over the past two and a half years that it has grown tremendously. Then I started to remember thoughts / dreams from long ago. After adding them all up, I have come to the conclusion this is way more than some fetish. Funny thing is that now that I Know this, and all the problems it has caused, and will cause in the future, I wish it was just a "fetish".

Somedays I think I can convince myself it is. I think yeah, I could be happy the rest of my life if only I where allowed to dress once in a while. Then I see my body in the mirror, or see a woman on TV, or walking down the street, or I look at my masculine hands, and know that there is something more. I see my adams apple sticking out and hate it knowing it will never be inconspicuos. I don't like me this way, but I know I will never look how I want to , so why bother. At least I am the only one who knows I am different on the inside. I wonder if GG's and normal guys who are not touched by this ever think these things? But I know that when I see a woman, I want to be like her. Physically, my visualization of myself. I mean, I want to see myself looking back at me in the mirror, that way. Sound anything like any of you? I have myself convinced that I have made this all up at times. That I am not really TG/TS. I must just be so miserable in my life that I am looking for, trying to be something else.

But five minutes from now...

[Star]

I know how you feel Tammy. I think its just a fetish at some moments, usually when I am trying to convince myself I am normal. Ive wished i was this girl or that girl just like you. For me it all started around age 5, but perhaps as early as age 3. My earliest drem was that of being a pretty girl on a ranch. At age 5 i remember wishing I was an Indian princess. The first time I expresed an interest in having a doll got a real bad reaction from my parents. I was able to put it alll away until I rreached puberty when the yearning to become a girl came back very strong. Despite it all I have lived as an outwardly normal male. The yearning is still here. I feel like you Tammy and many of the other girls. I know in drab I am crossdressed like Kimberley. Like Marina Tewlve I experience the rush. It is real. It does not go away. I love it when I can do it. If I could do it unchecked I would probably go all the way. The thought of being a transvestite excites me. The Christine Jorgensen story excited me.

And it all started at around 5? I didnt even know such things at age 5 but I had this yearning.

[tori-e]

When did you first know that you weren't who you physically are?


My first recollection is at about age 5. My father caught me fully dressed in my mother's undergarments. (In the days when women wore garters for their stockings) I didn't like sports and there were no dolls around to play with. So I played with boy's toys like building sets and like to draw and such. I had many instances of CD'ing before age 12 and got caught at least one other time. (Too bad my parents didn't understand what was happening in my head.) I was also fascinated with the ladies section of the Sears catalog. By about age 12, I remember going to sleep praying to god that he would make me a girl while I slept. Still waiting.

[Star]

I was also fascinated with the ladies section of the Sears catalog. By about age 12, I remember going to sleep praying to god that he would make me a girl while I slept. Still waiting.


me too tori!

[rachel1985]

Firstly, i think i'd best grovell for the time i've not been here to see all your fantastic responses!!!

Thank you so much! I would like to see this go further, and know how other TS / TG's feel, and the suchlike, however that'll come with time.

I would also like to thank Marina Twelve for 'his' comment, however as Sharon had kindly pointed out, this is the TS section, however your comment is duly noted, and its something i am more than happy to have received! Its not a closed forum, however we do have our sections, and i myself, along with others are female, just caught in the wrong body.


I remember going to sleep praying to god that he would make me a girl while I slept. Still waiting.
Tori!!! This is sooooo true!!! I used to do that too!

I know i've ranted in other sections of the forum about my childhood, however, since coming to terms with myself, and who i really am, i have started to actually remember a lot of my childhood, and am now in councelling for the darkness i am unable to conquer alone.

Thank you all once again, and just to let you all know... I'm starting to really look into undergoing SRS, and possibly relocating to make a fresh start, and a new go at my life. Who knows, by the time i'm 25, i could be Rachel!!! YAY!

Anyway, i promise i'll be around more, and i apologise again.

Hugs and kisses,

Rach
xxxxx

[626]

I see so much of myself in the previous responses. I've always just knew I was a girl, even before I knew of the physical differences between the sexes. I was spoiled as a child and always got pretty much whatever I wanted except the things that I really wanted most. That never stopped me from asking though. I wanted to take ballet and be a Girl Scout like my friends. I wanted a big lacey canopy bed and pink walls, shelves overflowing with dolls. Pretty dresses, long hair. All of this I was denied. In my eyes I was a girl no matter what anybody else told me and it took me awhile to accept that I wasn't a girl. I always used to use the women's bathrooms when we were out and the only time I can remember my mother ever spanking me was when I was around 8 years old. Like usual, I followed her into the woman's room, someone made a comment and when I refused to leave my mother took me out to a chair and spanked me telling me I'm not a girl.

After that I never asked for anything feminine again. I still went to friend's houses to play with their Barbies and My Little Ponys but as we all got older they grew out of wanting to play with them. Sometimes I would just sit in their rooms playing by myself while they were outside swimming or something.

I can't give a specific instance when I realized that I need to hide this, but by the time I hit middle school I had figured out that I need to keep this part of me under wraps. By then my father had me going to several different Psychologists. They'd ask me plenty of gender related questions. By this time I had figured out the way the world works and so I'd feed them the typical 'boy' answers I thought they wanted to hear. It wasn't until years later that I realized that they were trying to help me and that if I had just been open and honest with them that I could have possibly saved myself from a lifetime of hiding. That's one of my biggest regrets.

I'd say more, but then I'd be getting a little off-topic, since this thread only asked when I first knew, not givemeyourlifestory ;)

[rachel1985]

I'd say more, but then I'd be getting a little off-topic, since this thread only asked when I first knew, not givemeyourlifestory ;)

Firstly, i'd like to say... WOW!!! Those breasts and your hair. Perfect!!!

Secondly, if you wish to voice your-life-story-in-a-full-thread go for it! We're all here going through the same things etc etc. And as far as i'm concerned (being the one who asked) i'm interested in knowing more about my fellow sisters on here.

Its interesting to know more about people on here, as we currently know very little about each other.

Rach.

[tori-e]

...Who knows, by the time i'm 25, i could be Rachel!!!...

25:eek: Oh, to be in your 20's and know were you are going! You are so lucky to sort this out so early!

Tori

[emma_bb]

3 in knew at 3 yrs old the thought i had sticks in my mind like glue "why cant they see im a girl" then because when i was about 8 or 9 my mother calling me transvestite warped my perception of myself and then took a further 12 yrs to come back full circle but yeh 3 yrs old was my initial thought

[Clare]

First up - I'm pretty sure i'm not TS since i've never had the constant feeling that i'm really a female inside.

I have however, always felt I was "different" as a person going back to when I was a child. I never felt comfortable growing up as a male and just never seemed to fit in with the "role".

Today I know that i'm a Transgender and sorta swing between male/female traits. I just dislike it when i'm in male mode is all. Femme mode is far more comfortable mentally and physically!

I envy those of you who have certainty of your gender!

[tori-e]

I envy those of you who have certainty of your gender![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

I certainly cannot speak for the others, but I'd bet very few of us are absolutely certain that what we are doing or want to do is without some apprehension or misgivings. I often ask myself if I'm doing the right thing or can't I just keep it in the closet. Since the first time I heard the word transsexual, I knew that was me. Although I don't fit all the standards for a TS, I've always identified as one. On Thursday I hit the end of six months of hormone readiness assessment. I've met the HBIDGA criteria to proceed with hormones and have a prescription for Estrace in my hands. (If feels like a winning lotto ticket!) I told my doctor and my wife that I'm going to wait two weeks before I proceed. I'm just trying to think things through in a logical way in a completely emotional situation.

I'm excited, I'm scared to death and so relieved all at the same time. Who can be sure?

[taren]

i guess mine was at an early stage in my life , i told my mother that i thought one of my breast was bigger than the other , she replyed , maybe your half girl . that stuck with me all these years,now i want breast so bad.

[rachel1985]

I'm excited, I'm scared to death and so relieved all at the same time. Who can be sure?

Well we're all here with you hun!

BTW, i'm 21 at the moment, not 25, i'm hoping by 25 i'll have been through SRS. hehe.

Fingers crossed.

[~Dee~]

i guess i see this question as a little blurry ..
when did i FIRST know? .. that would be about 5 or 6 years old .. but though i did girly things i didnt actually know anything.
if that makes sense ..
then when i knew that there was something different to me .. i ignored it and tried to get rid of it as best as i could.
so ... when did i know when i was transexual and willing to accept it?
just over a year ago.
but since then .. its been one heck of a quick drop into total abandoned acceptance :D