What Has Your Crossdressing/ Transgender Life Cost You?

[IleneD]

Please, regret if this is covered ground in another thread. It should be

Reading through a couple posts I'm reminded that the joy of dressing, the will to be a woman often comes at a cost. A recent post from a dear transgender member now at a decision crossroad especially resonated with me.

Yes. Thank God that there is the support and encouragement from my fellow sisters here. It should be. There too are narratives of marriages lost, personal relationships ruined or general misery piled on top of a transgender's internal gender struggles. I've heard sisters remark that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their enemy.

I had a recent "success" in coming out to a family member. It was quite risky and could have predictably ended badly in a valued personal relationship damaged. My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall. We're working on it and I don't see The Marriage coming to an end. But....I can't predict the entire future, and I never would have guess 3 years ago I'd be on my own path of discovery and re-invention.

My heart goes out every day to the sisters here who struggle with acceptance... (like, ALL of us?), or those who have suffered for being themselves. You're on my mind.
Peace.

[Tracy Irving]

Lots of closet and dresser space. Oh, and money!

It is amazing (sad) how few wedding and prom dresses can fit into an eight foot closet.

[DIANEF]

Great post Ilene. So far, my cross dressing has cost me not much more than time and money (and not a little stress). In the not too distant future it may cost me far far more, I really hope it doesn't.

[Princess Chantal]

Nothing so sad or life altering, just what is expected from any other hobby/recreational activity - money and storage space to accommodate the interest.

[Cheryl T]

Time...so much time that I "stole" before I came out to my wife.
I would defer spending time with her and letting her go places without me so that I could have an hour or so to dress. All that time without her.
Now we spend every minute together.

[Amelie]

Good Post Ilene. The way I am cost me much. I started way back when there was no such thing as support. There was not much support for gays at those days either. I was forced out of school cause going to an all boys high school in the Bronx would have been unbearable or deadly. It was no better where I went, on the streets of Manhattan to learn who I was. I learned from all the wrong people but they did teach me to survive. Then it was one bad relationship to another, going from bad to worse. Having been put away cause I didn't want to be here anymore. The way I am cost me a lot, a life of misery. I am now living in what is called "overtime". I should have been dead years ago. Hope it's better for the younger ones today.

[2BArianwen]

This is a great post Ilene and a topic which scares me stupid. As you have said, there have been many posts on CD about the terrible consequences for those who have been brave enough to out. Unfortunately, it seems there is a severe cost no matter which path we choose - if we out/transition, then we can lose careers, friends, family, etc...; if we choose not to out/transition, then the cost is that we deny ourselves our true identity, a price that many of us have already been paying our entire life.

[Rogina B]

My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall.

Your wife is right in that the dynamics of the marriage changes.But that isn't often such a bad thing.A little more freedom and independence doesn't hurt. I continue to read a mixed up version of how you view "your condition" and what may "satisfy it"..Clothes are the easy part. If you have decided it is more than that,dive in..

[Rachael Leigh]

Cost, for me a relationship that should’ve been stronger and one where I should have let self take second fiddle as it were to cherishing
my relationship that I was given. Your right Ilean I would not wish this gender identity part of me on my worst enemy.
For me now I’ve got to find a better way and I’m going to do my best on doing it

[Aunt Kelly]

My first thought was... "A lot of money!" I it has certainly done that, but to answer seriously, I am one of the lucky ones, for whom that particular cost is one that can be borne without much guilt or self-loathing. It's not all roses, of course. As I swing back and forth on the spectrum, there's some discomfort, but looking at the experience as a whole, over time, the oscillations average out into a more-or-less easy balance, one that I can live with. I consider myself fortunate indeed that I am able to have that balance, for without it, the cost would have been profound. So many of us must either deny that feminine part of ourselves, or lose things important to us.

Thank you for one of the most thought provoking threads in weeks, Ilene!

Hugs,


Kelly

[DaisyLawrence]

I am who I am, nothing more, nothing less. There is no cost to me or others for that. Life is truely beautiful in every way.

[IleneD]

Rachael,

I didn't wish to use your name directly but you were one of those on my mind when I wrote this.
I was so moved at how much you have sacrificed. I see my own path's trajectory going in your general direction. To see how much it can hurt and cost is dreadful.
The world shouldn't be this way. The World really is the true obstacle outside of the inner fight. But The World just shouldn't care about it.

[Micki_Finn]

Only money. If there was someone in my life who would shun me because of my dressing then I haven’t lost anything because I don’t want those people in my life. If anything I’ve gained a filter to get rid of intolerance and homophobia.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Only a bit of money. What's $50 here, $10 there, every month or so? The FUN is well worth it. Since I do not get involved in awkward social situations, and use common sense (knowing how general society looks at CDing) I have, so far, had no "expensive" (emotionally or physically) difficulties.------

[Jeri Ann]

My heart goes out every day to the sisters here who struggle with acceptance... (like, ALL of us?), or those who have suffered for being themselves. You're on my mind.

Ilene, I think you know how I will answer this thread. I was never a crossdresser. I was a girl who, for the most part, hid my true self from everyone. I tried to cure myself of being transgender with love and marriage. That did not, and never will, work, twice. For me, when my spouse found out, it became a malignancy that eventually killed the relationship. When I couldn't pretend to be male any longer my only option was to transition.

You said that you've "heard sisters remark that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their enemy." You might be referring to something I said, however, it is not my transition that I wouldn't wish on someone. I said that I wouldn't wish being trans on anyone. The logistics, mechanics, direction and success of my transition has been amazing. My being born transsexual resulted in (cost) a life time of fear, frustration, hopelessness, guilt and grief. It resulted in two divorces, the loss of a house, 1/2 my income, 1/2 my savings, all of my grandchildren, step-children, my daughter, my dog, dozens (maybe hundreds) of friends and acquaintances, a reputation. I'm sure there is much more but you get the idea.

So, at an age when most women are enjoying the comfort and security that careers and a lifetime of saving provide, I am beginning a new life, in a new place, in a new role, with a new wardrobe, a new car, a new dog, a new church and new friends. I miss my family horribly. I wake up in the middle of almost every lonely night and cry. I'm crying now. But, on the bright side, I am, for the first time in my life, real and authentic. I have experienced a sense of freedom that I never expected. I can't find the words to describe what it's like becoming the person that I should of always been. Is it worth it? Doesn't matter, it had to be.

[Dana44]

It cost me a lot. Two marriages and a lot of women and finally have found one that accepts me.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Well written post and a good thread for me today; I've enjoyed the replies so far too.

I could go on about my 2 failed marriages as being "costs" on the negative side of the ledger, but in the end there were other things wrong with those relationships besides my gender identity. The 2 ex-wives did mention it at the end, but they also didn't say it was all about that and the separations and divorces stayed polite and respectful; and we parted ways amicably.

My struggles with alcoholism (nearly 2 yrs sober now) were apart of those broken relationships and a big part of that long slide into the abyss of that disease was my trying to numb my struggles with how I felt about my gender; but I won't take the easy way out and label all that as the cost of my transness.
That just wouldn't be rigorously honest.

But, the cost in internal heartache and all those years of shame, guilt and the anxieties are real. If only the internet had come along sooner.

This is just my opinion and please don't take it personal anyone, but i'm a bit curious as to how some of the replies sound so positive and flippant.

It's really easy to take our acceptance of ourselves today (I understand and accept myself too) and use it to paint the past with one broad stroke and make it disappear, but at least for me, I remember the cost fairly vividly.

I don't necessarily regret it, but I've not been able to shut the door on it either.

[Diane Taylor]

I'm fortunate in that my crossdressing hasn't cost me anything except a lot of money at the clothing stores.

[Pat]

A surprisingly difficult question, I think because I get confused about the idea of "cost." Did transitioning cost me? Or did spending 60 years pretending to be something I'm not cost me? I kind of think the fake life is where all the cost was borne for me -- the unhappiness, the bad health, the flight to risk-taking behaviors to buttress up the false personality, the total rejection of the person reflected in the mirror or depicted in the photograph. Now, I've actually stopped paying costs. I mean, yeah I'm spending some money but Shakespeare says, "Who steals my purse steals trash. 'Tis something, nothing: 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands. A good reputation is the most valuable thing we have—men and women alike." And that false identity actually stole my good reputation by making me pretend to be someone I wasn't; by making me lie to my friends and loved ones. I feel like I'm recovering that reputation now. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to do so and not to have died without my own kids having ever met me. Those were the costs -- I guess that means my transition was pre-paid. ;)

[Jaylyn]

Ilene I'm still with the one that I married as my bride many many year ago but the price of purging time and again has probably cost me the price of a new bass boat, or a great elk hunting trip to Colorado or Wyoming... Lol I've spent a lot of dollars on purging and re-buying clothes n makeup.

[JeanTG]

My sex life.

[Kandi Robbins]

I know I am absolutely in the minority here, but it has absolutely enhanced my life. I volunteer significantly and am highly valued everywhere I do so. My wife and I have never been closer as I am a 100% better person and husband. I joined a church as Kandi and love every Sunday I'm there, every activity I participate in outside of services with members of the congregation. Now I am not, and never will be on the path to transition, I am equally comfortable in male or female modes and my female persona has allowed me to become quite a good (senior) athlete. I am blessed. All that said, if I could make it all go away by taking a pill, I'd do so without thought. But I am who I am and I've finally learned to make the best of it. Please understand, this all is not without significant struggle in my life, I've just finally come out the other side.

[Susan Smith]

Wow - what a difficult question to answer! Honestly - I don't know what it's cost me. I prioritise opportunities to dress over many other things. I go out of my way to make time for this unusual 'hobby'. I look for every chance to be home alone long enough to be Susan for a while. I've been doing those things for forty years. I have no way of knowing how my life would be if I had no desire for feminine clothes. Does that make me unhappy. - no! Never having the chance to dress in a feminine way would make me unhappy. I suspect it costs me nothing.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Like you said Ilene:

My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall.

The odds on my almost 40-year marriage coming to an end go up and down like the stock market last week.

Right now, the odds are very high.

But the worst day has already passed. She questioned me, "Why didn't you tell me before we got married? If you did, I'm not sure that I would have married you."

[Elizabeth G]

Money aside, my crossdressing has certainly cost me some of my wife's trust which, once lost is hard to win back but I continue to work at it.

[Lana Mae]

Not much besides money! I discovered all this after the wife passed away! I have two wonderful children who accept and just want daddy to be happy! Out to my sister in law and she accepts! I totally accept myself so I am alright there! Some indecisions do occur from time to time! Generally it is all good! Still traveling on the journey and going where it takes me! Hugs Lana Mae

[Megan b]

It cost me a pretty good amount of time and money. Stealing moments here and there that could have been spent with family and friends but most important it cost me my marriage of 22 years to a woman that I loved. I also figure it cost me to lose some respect from my kids but I'm not 100% sure of that. I know they still love me and I love them too. The cost has been high but I am what I am, a crossdressing / transgender person.

[Ceera]

Most of my family found out about my fem side about a year an a half ago, and to my good fortune, most of them accepted the new me. So the only solid negatives right now are that my brother in law (sister's husband) has banned me from their home, and he wants nothing to do with me. I can do just fine with never seeing him again. We never liked each other anyway. My sister is still working he way to acceptance (she insists she still loves me and wants me to be happy, but she isn't yet ready to 'meet her new big sister'), and her husband's reaction to finding out about my fem side has made it much more difficult for me to spend any time with my sister.

On the other hand, her three daughters and her son and their spouses all think their daddy (my unaccepting brother in law) is being a jerk, and they all accept me just fine, as a woman or as the man they knew me as growing up.

Other costs...

Much harder to find a date. I'm widowed now and 60 years old. That alone limits my field of choices. Being bi helps even it out a little, but preferring to go out socially as a lesbian transwoman yields lots of 'dancing and drinking gal-pals', but no 'girlfriends'. Finding someone who can accepts my fem side and who can love me as a MtF trans woman has been quite a challenge, and I hardly ever get even a romantic kiss any more. Experiencing only one 'date' (which didn't even end in a good night hug, let alone a kiss) and only one 'hooked up and fooled around evening', over the period of 4 years since I was widowed and came out has been quite discouraging.

Also makeup is expensive enough that on my retired budget, I have to limit how often I go out en-femme.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my dressing has cost me the total respect and trust of my wife, a very heavy price one, i don't believe is worth the cost

[Jeri Ann]

A surprisingly difficult question, I think because I get confused about the idea of "cost." Did transitioning cost me? Or did spending 60 years pretending to be something I'm not cost me? I kind of think the fake life is where all the cost was borne for me --

Thank you Pat for sharing this perspective. Actually everything that I have lost would not have been mine if I could have had the life that I was meant to have.

[ginapoodle]

Superb question. Part of dialog right now with a close friend and pastor: the cost.

For me: over 50 years of cycles of expression, denial, purging, hating my male body, seclusion, low self esteem, etc. Remarkably in all that I had friendships, an amazing career, and married and helped raise two amazing daughters. It took me 50 years and much spiritual self examination, the Unity church principles, and some key mentors (including Aunt Kelly on this forum illuminating the term "non-binary") to reach some level of peace.

Costs are high. I think if I had been raised in a culture that allowed gender expression, my life would have been very different.

Right now I am entering some new phase, yet to be determined. Basically I am waiting for the right time, the right window to open. First: death of my mother and FIL-- to finish key obligations. Then, put myself first and foremost and truly figure out who I am gender wise. I don't think I can take my wife on this journey, perhaps not my oldest daughter, certainly main friends.

Costs are high. It is a difficult journey. Wish I could talk about Spiritual aspects, and my own thoughts on that, but not happening on a forum platform.

I have often wondered what life would have been like if I was gender normal. But, I accept what is, and I have grown through the pain, and successes and struggles.

I would not wish this on anyone, however there are benefits to walking a gender blend world.

[IleneD]

Rogina:

My "condition".
I'm in the same gender boat as many here.
A "lifer" in that I always harbored a femme side but never understood it; most often denied it.
Dabbled in underdressing and SOME drag dressing in my youth.
Lived a "normal straight life", married for 40 yrs
Came to full crossdressing about 2 yrs ago. The lights went on, so to speak.
The look, the feel, the identification with women and a will to live as a woman ...... all of it, have become entirely too important to me.
Yes, it's more than just the clothing. If given a choice right now I believe I could live comfortably full time as a woman.
I just don't know where I am yet on the transgender spectrum, though I truly believe I am squarely on it.
I'm taking baby steps. I'm taking notes. Finally I'm getting around after almost 6 decades of fighting it, to resolving my lifelong gender issues.
BUT..... I value the wonderful life I've built, my marriage and the relationships I have. Such things are not disposable. On the other hand, I can't see myself living miserably in gender hell and denial. NO MORE. I am also learning from this forum site and the experiences of my sisters.
I need to be sure, for a long long time before I commit to literally change my life.
From the bottom of my loving heart, I thank you and everyone for sharing their stories; for the love and support you girls bring.

[Stephanie47]

I call myself a plain vanilla cross dresser. No desire to live or become a women. Would I like to be en femme for an extended person of time; 24/7. Did that when my wife was visiting family for 7-10 days each time. I like my male side too. Money has never been an issue. My wife probably spends more on her hobby than I spend on women's clothing, and, that's not an insignificant amount.

I've come to the opinion everyone should embrace who they are. Unfortunately, that's a difficult hurdle to jump sometimes. Life would have been a lot simpler if I was not a man who feels the need to emulate a woman sometimes because there seems to be a bit of female DNA in my genes. The best I can do for others is to support them and combat the ignorance which abounds around transgender men and women, and, also gays and lesbians.

[Becky Blue]

Great question!! thus far Becky has only really cost me money... a cost i am so happy to bare given how much she has enhanced my life.

[Beverley Sims]

Time and money.

Many hours behind closed doors when I could have been doing something more cnstructive.

Money used to buy clothing, no it really was not wasted.

The time probably was not wasted as I had a great social life as a girl between 18 and when I got married.

Marriage was not a waste of time either I am still married and we do go out together dressed these days.

So cross dressing has cost time and money, but it was really not wasted.

Just that life would have been different without it.

[mbmeen12]

Cost, for me; a relationship which in-turn cost me money with the divorce....She allowed me to dress. Then she changed or should say discovered her inner self.

Next stop on this crazy train trip for me will be retirement and its my turn to treat/express myself. Ilene thank you...

[alwayshave]

My crossdressing has not cost me much other than guilt and money. I no longer have any guilt and the money is less than a round of golf would cost me, so really not an issue.

[TheHiddenMe]

My wife is tolerant but my crossdressing, or more accurately, my going out while crossdressed, is causing stress in our marriage. We are trying to work through it.

She is afraid I will be "outed" and people will feel pity for her. In turn, I hide things from her, like the extent of my activities (she has told me to "lie to her"). I've also made some GG friends that know the CD me and my wife wants to know why I have GG friends and what they want from me (and she has her suspicions).

We've been married 25 years.

[GretchenM]

Pat's contribution very much is the same as I would put it. It is difficult question and can produce paradoxical expressions that can help us look at the Big Picture and how we each fit into that picture.

There was a loss in the secrecy but since coming out to vital people in my life, there has been a decidedly positive effect. Accepting the feminine in me rather than hiding it and burying myself in self imposed isolation and all of that producing deep and almost continuous depression has been liberating. I have become a different person, but that difference is blended with the positive parts of the former masculine person, less the distortions the fully masculine act generated and produced pain for others.

I don't fully dress often and then only when necessary to ward off gender dysphoric stresses which are becoming increasingly rare events. The liberation has allowed me to express the positive effects of being the real me, even though that self is not openly expressed except in bits and pieces of feminine attire mixed with masculine attire. I am a much happier person now and have found that the reduction in self orientation and realignment with other orientation has created a more "happy Buddha" type of orientation that people appreciate. Enveloping the total me helps me to shift the orientation away from "me" focus and more toward an "other" focus.
Ilene, you posed a great question and the outpouring of so many perspectives has been a beautiful thing.

[Gypsy Sam]

Excellent topic that makes one stop and reflect on their own lives perspective. Seems the spectrum of interest in occasional to full commitment to being en femme provides the drama of the experience. Fascinated by the image in the mirror, creativity enhanced by others postings, and perception of living as another gender become ones reality.

The physical,mental, and emotional are life's challenges we must endure. Let's hope ones higher power gives us direction.

[Krisi]

It's cost me money of course but it's also cost me time that I should be spent doing other things.

[Cassandra Lynn]

So cross dressing has cost time and money, but it was really not wasted.



Maybe it's just me, but i'm thinking the "cost" in Ilene's OP wasn't so much about dollars and cents and as Beverley points out, except for those unfortunate purges we've all been through, the money spent isn't really a waste.
And it's also my opinion that it's that nasty shame and guilt cycle that leads us to casting a negative sheen over the time and money we've spent.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Money wise, not as much as you would think. I try to be a frugal girl.

Emotion & relationship wise? More than you know.

[audreyinalbany]

as with some others here, my greatest cost has been 'opportunity costs.' In economics, opportunity costs means if you're spending money on guns, you're spending less money on butter. In crossdressing, it means the time I spend dressed is time when I could be doing something constructive or some other activity I enjoy, like biking or hiking or working out in the garage...lol..not 'working out'...but working...out in the garage

[lori m crawford]

o for me about 1000.00 my wife an 5 kids not much

[Pat]

In crossdressing, it means the time I spend dressed is time when I could be doing something constructive or some other activity I enjoy, like biking or hiking or working out in the garage...lol..not 'working out'...but working...out in the garage

It clearly varies by individual, but it's possible to crossdress AND do something constructive. ;)

[krissy]

Me it cost me my first marriage all my male friends my close family and my job .My current wife who i love with all my heart cant stand that this is part of me i dress alone and before i found this place thought i was alone .if only i could go back to when i was 20 years old i would have done so many things different.my current wife of 38 years isn't changing her mind so i guess im stuck with being all alone

[LeannS]

I am with Elizabeth wife's trust hard to get back but I am working on it.
Time that I could be doing something else or the money that could be going on other stuff.

[DMichele]

Ilene,
Another good topic. My ex-wife would say that CDing was the reason for our divorce. But, I take exception because I fully disclosed my CDing to her before we were married in the early 70s. The divorce was inevitable and probably should have happened sooner.

As I identify as a transgender person today, I have to say that it has cost me decades of avoiding exploring my authentic self. I can't change the past, but I am blessed with three beautiful adult daughters and five grandchildren. I am in reasonably good health, enjoy my job and life, and strive to keep life simple.

My losses are minor in comparison to others.

[Kelli Jo-ann]

what has it cost? A lot.

[Patrica Gil]

Was so afraid many years ago for a long time. When my marriage ended for other reasons it released me from so many other things that were keeping me in a prison. The ex thought I would run after her, I didn't. I went on my merry way and started to enjoy life from a whole new perspective and reinvented myself. Was totally honest with any woman who became interested in me and after a few ewe's, one actually became more interested, and encouraged me. These days I am the wife in our relationship. The children said it didn't matter to them. They were glad to see me happy because they said I wasn't happy with their mother. These days I seem them on a regular basis. Those who go ewe, I just don't have time to worry about them. They don't have a vote. Besides I buy my own nylons, heels and other stuff. So best as one can figure it's my business.

[grace7777]

Being transgender/transsexual has made life harder for me thru out the years. It would have been a lot easier to have been born as just an average male. Having said that, transitioning has overall been a net gain.

Now transitioning has cost me money, and with my desire to have SRS it will cost me a lot more. The money though has been well spent, and I am a lot happier.

I have never been married, no children, and have not even had a serious relationship, so no lost there. As far as family, my mom has accepted me, and does not seem to have a problem with it. My mom also told me my brother and sister were ok with it. As to other relatives, my mom is telling them, and as of now I have not heard anything. Most of them I do not see often, so not much to lose even if they are not accepting.

Among people I know and associate with, there has not been a problem yet. There are still people to come out to, so that could change. I would like for them to be accepting, and it would be disappointing if they did not, but I will be ok if they are not accepting.

The biggest positive for me is living my life as my true self. I feel more motivated now to be the best that I can be.

As to my career, it has not suffered. It has not been great the last few, but things are starting to turn around. I think gender identity issues have hurt me the last few years. Transitioning and resolving gender identity issues I believe will help me in my career going forward.

I think that not transitioning would have been a greater cost.

[Rogina B]

Rogina: On the other hand, I can't see myself living miserably in gender hell and denial. NO MORE.

"Social transition" could be in your future...No one has died from it...

[Sarah Doepner]

Maybe I could just count it all as Investment rather than costs? Some investments pay of handsomely others become losses. The losses for me include time that could (should?) have been spent with family or colleagues improving those relationships. But when that time was spent with others in the LGBTQ+ community it often ended up finding new friends, and the time spent on my own occasionally paid off in skills and confidence. So it hasn't all been bad. There were plenty of times where I ended up feeling guilty or ashamed, and that turned into costs against that confidence and family relationships. I spent some of the trust my late wife had in me that couldn't be regained easily, but in the effort I learned a lot about how to reset my priorities, the value of communication and how incredibly lucky I was to have her.

Money? I never spent money that was needed for bills, food, or family needs on anything CD related. Maybe I've learned to rationalize a little more than is appropriate, but the costs have been minimal.

Costs without benefits is half an analysis. I think I'm still up on the game, just a little.

[ReineD]

I'm a spouse so I come at it from a different perspective.

In the beginning of our relationship, I struggled with having to share the female role. By this I mean that in my prior marriage, I was accustomed to being the only feminine person in our household who was appreciated as such by my ex-husband. In other words, when his eyes lit up because he saw a female, it was me. I dare say that most women are hard-wired to want and expect this, just like most men want and expect their maleness to be appreciated. After the first few months in my current relationship, it felt as if my SO appreciated her own female self more than me. It's difficult to explain, other than it felt weird to see how much she loved to get and put on all these lovely new things for herself more than wanting to see and appreciate the new things on me. It felt as if I had lost a hetero relationship with my SO, while most definitely not being lesbian. But, this was a long time ago and I'm used to it now. It's no longer a big deal.

The other thing is an unsettling feeling when I have to lie. I drove 6 hours to visit with my son last weekend. He asked what my SO was doing. I lied and said he was working, when I knew that he went on an over-nighter to her gender group meeting. It's only a little white lie, but over the years the accumulated secrets weigh on you. The alternative is to tell the truth, but then we would introduce a lot of awkward feelings when we are all together, not knowing how many of my sons would accept, vs merely tolerate, vs downright despise. I want my sons to admire and respect my SO.

[sometimes_miss]

Cost? Well, the frequent concentration disturbances over the years certainly cost me my careers. It cost me my marriage, as well as many possible relationships. Cost me friends and family.

No one in their right mind would CHOOSE this.

[IleneD]

"Social transition" could be in your future...No one has died from it...

Interesting Rogina.
What would you define as "social transition". Tell me about it.

[Pat]

I can't help but think that sometimes the cost-accounting is backwards here. If you have a friend you've been concealing your true self from for decades and then you lose that friend when you come out, was losing that friend a cost of coming out or a cost of having concealed yourself? If you know your true nature and you're concealing it to obtain a benefit that you know or suspect you'd lose if you were honest, where does that put you morally? I know that most of us get wedged into this situation because we didn't/don't know our true nature going in, and by the time we figure it out we're well into the middle of a sticky situation. But I think when we do the accounting, we have to accept that in some cases our "losses" can't be charged to coming out, but to staying in. ;)

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Reine.... excellent reply from a gg’s perspective.

[IamWren]

Kind of along Reine's comment.... This endeavor has cost me my integrity. I tell white lies and bend truths so as to hide this from my spouse. I've lied about money and where I've been or what I've been doing. Not only has dressing brought on moments of intense shame but also letting my integrity slip out of grasp at times has as well.

There have been other things that dressing has cost me... like others there has been money spent, time, some mental stability as there have been slight moments of anxiety associated with the hiding and shame if anyone found out.

[Aunt Kelly]

A lot of truth, and food for thought, in both Sayyidah's and Pat's responses.

With the concealment and deception, we take on a certain burden of guilt and give up, in part at least, our integrity. We should never have to do that, but the calculus that drives us to continue the deception is based on many things; the risk of loss, emotional and financial, for example. The "right thing" is often so very hard to find. I don't know... Which takes more courage, embracing one's nature and letting the chips fall where they may, or suppressing that and dealing with a lifetime of quiet anguish?

[Rogina B]

Interesting Rogina.
What would you define as "social transition". Tell me about it.

It is about living as you feel you need to.End of being a "secret agent". Make friends with people that "get it" and are happy that the person in front of them is living life on their own terms. You don't have to "medically transition"..It is not the end all if you are not also changing the way you live. A good move is to go to the DMV and get your licence picture retaken to reflect the "new you to the world"..If you see this as a good idea,then you are ready to change,and if not,you aren't. I see it as good test.. Turning in your "secret agent" card...

[IleneD]

A lot of truth, and food for thought, in both Sayyidah's and Pat's responses......
I don't know... Which takes more courage, embracing one's nature and letting the chips fall where they may, or suppressing that and dealing with a lifetime of quiet anguish?

Wow. Perhaps you've hit upon the core question of living with a transgender soul.
I so enjoy the intelligent, crystal clear and honest thought that manifests upon this forum.
Thinking...... (thanks, Auntie).

[Jackiefl]

Regina I live in Florida also can I turn in my male card (FL dl) for a fem pic dl. I guess cost would be no more secret agent dl.

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is easy to dismiss the idea of not needing a friend who is not accepting, but it is important to consider something important. Friends are more than people you "like" and might hang out with on the weekends. A friend can also be a valuable resource, a trusted resource of support and mutual aid when life gets bad. Take it from someone who has been alone in this world (and I mean really alone), I would not be so dismissive of losing a friend and burning a bridge with someone. Think carefully before disclosing something to them that might cause a bridge to be burned, you may need them someday.

All of my friends know I dress now. Would it have been a good idea to tell some in my youth? Probably not, I am glad some were there for me at the time and it would not have been worth losing them.

[Rollermiss]

Not much in additional cost as even my drab cloths are neutral style womans. I get reimbursed for my work cloths. Only real expense is my going out items. Dresses, skirts, heels etc.
You want clothing expense. Try keeping up with the latest trends with 7 year old daughters. What they want changes it seems like almost hourly. I can only imagine what it will be like once they hit their teens. please have pity on me. LOL.

Kelsey

[Danielle_cder]

Billions and billions and billions

[Pat]

It is easy to dismiss the idea of not needing a friend who is not accepting, but it is important to consider something important. Friends are more than people you "like" and might hang out with on the weekends. A friend can also be a valuable resource, a trusted resource of support and mutual aid when life gets bad.

It's an interesting point and reminds me of another important thing -- don't write off anyone is is not initially accepting. Try to pull them back into your life. Wave when you see them. Greet them happily. Send them birthday cards even if they go unacknowledged. If you used to forward each other emails or articles on some topic, keep them going until told unambiguously to stop. Always leave the door open for them to return. Slowly, gently draw them back in. Remember, it wasn't just you who lost a friend -- they did too. And they may eventually get past this upheaval in their life. ;) I've had to do this kind of salvage operation a couple of times but it's worth the effort -- for both parties.

[Rogina B]

Pat,"Same person in different packaging" was probably what they couldn't grasp..So sad..

[Susan Smokes]

I am a late bloomer, I have only been dressing for a little over 2 years, and the cost for me so far was my former SO. In the beginning she was very supportive, and into me being a crossdresser it was great for both of us for awhile, but she grew tired of my need to dress, and my need to express myself sexually in a feminine way. It still hurts, but deep down I knew it was to good to be true. At least now I can continue to evolve as a crossdresser, and just enjoy what my fresh start in life brings me.

[Rogina B]

Regina I live in Florida also can I turn in my male card ?
Nothing is stopping you from having an ID that matches how you wish the world to see you..Everyone's situation is different. Depends on what your needs are.

[Aunt Kelly]

Wow. Perhaps you've hit upon the core question of living with a transgender soul.
I so enjoy the intelligent, crystal clear and honest thought that manifests upon this forum.
Thinking...... (thanks, Auntie).

Well, thank you. Clear and honest it may be, but that's just me "standing on the shoulders of giants" and reassembling some of the many similar thoughts expressed by others here. But thanks for the compliment, just the same. :)

[Tracii G]

Up front and honest talk isn't always appreciated here but it does need to be said every once and a while.

[Kate Simmons]

In the long run, my marriage has been one of the prices I paid for being myself. Also some family members have more or less disowned me. You have to decide if you want to be yourself or someone else others want you to be. :)

[Louise DK]

Up front and honest talk isn't always appreciated here but it does need to be said every once and a while.

You are absolutly right. Sometimes we need to be forced to take a reality check!
I think you, Pat and Micky Finn always post honest down to earth answers.

By the way Tracii, I absolutely love your new profile picture, you look really cute.

As to what my transgender life has cost me?
Well it has cost me some angst, a great deal of shame and guilt, some selfesteem, some greef and a life long feeling of not really belonging, like looking at the world from a distance. And for all those reasons I have always had trouble making contact with other people. For example I rarely call my friends, because I assume they have more important things to tend to, than to talk to me. I guess it's a form of social angst or something. Even though I know for a fact that Im well respected in my circle of friends.

But when that has been said, lately though, after I came out to my wife two years ago, it has rewarded me with new friends, new experiences and a feeling of being at ease with myself, that Ive never felt before.
There are still a few people I need to come out to, mainly my brother. But my wife, my best friend and my parents in law allready know and they are very supportive.
I would like to come out to everyone, because then I wouldent risk being "caught". But for now Im just trying to figure out how each individual would take it.

[Robin777]

The only thing it has cost me is a lot of money. I have a very supporting wife. We go shopping together,so the cost for me is when I find something I like,she buys something also. I never hid my crossdressing from her. She knew about it before we were married.

[abby054]

My sex life.

I hear you. My sex life, a fair amount of time, and a nice chunk of change.

[Fiona123]

I fear its about to cost me my 32 yr marriage.

[Lygophilia]

Nothing. You're either with or against my transgender problems. It doesn't matter what one chooses.

[mandy_may]

Thankfully it hasn't cost my marriage. However, the potential losses of profession and family keep me deeply closeted. I know of only one very brave transwoman in my profession. My field is so conservative and my reputation has been long built around my male persona. Plus, my community would not be welcoming.

My desire to dress and beyond has been tempered too as my children have become teenagers, far more aware of role models. I don't want to give them a social burden to bear.

[Angie G]

Nothing bad:hugs:
Angie

[IleneD]

First, THANK YOU. Every sister who shared their costs, fears, concerns and status of their crossdressing & transgender life, I thank you.
There is so, so much to learn from the lives and stories of fellow members. It's why I come here as a true believer. You never fail to impress me, ladies.

A few things I picked up on; some consistent themes:

1. The loss of relationships. It could be a marriage or marriages, a girlfriend or extended family members. The loss of some of these well-developed personal relationships obviously came with turmoil. The loss of established marriages remains an issue with many of my sisters. These are hard bridges to cross. Yet many of the responders who noted a significant personal relationship lost over CD/TG, also noted that the loss eventually was no great loss at all. The negativity was removed from their lives and they were able to live honestly.

I add this note when it comes to relationships; be they family, friends or work. I recently (successfully) came out to my little brother. He was cool, thank God. But before I left him he wanted me to "be careful". He reminded me that I just don't have a reputation. I have a legacy. I need to consider it all as I grow, evolve and transition more to a femme life.

Which brings me to theme #2:

2. Erosion of trust/integrity. Many sisters came out late in life, sometimes in long established marriages. Surprise!! I successfully hid something for over 40 years that was very key to my being. The reaction was not "Thank you for your courageous honesty." It was more like I had lied for 40 yrs, which is what admittedly happened. My wife for example has come to rationalize and understand my NEED to keep my femme side secret; and she's glad I did considering my profession. Yet it will forever haunt our relationship that I am not now the man she thought she always knew. She feels deceived. Other CD/TG respondents responded likewise; that their "coming out" was greeted more with suspicion. Others also noted their on-going requirement to remain in the closet with wives, family and the community. Several sisters remarked at how badly it made them feel to have to sneak around. I don't really have that problem (of sneaking about; the wife knows), but the basic fact I kept a Life Secret from her put a huge ding in our great partnership. I'm working to restore the trust.

It's good to hear that from others. It helps me to not make the same mistakes that will only aggravate the slow but progressing acceptance trend. I will know to keep my CD and other transition activities above board, and share with The Spouse.

One other comment caught my eye. Reine..... as always. I love her reasoned voice of The Significant Other; the GG. Once again she nailed it. Made me feel slightly guilty, and I guess I own it. She noted the loss of her man's masculinity. Where once she saw and perhaps adored a masculine man, she forever sees a feminized man. I mean...... that's the goal for those of us who wish to be women, isn't it?! Yet it seems so sad for our partners to lose this part of their relationship in order for us (me?) to find that true inner femme self. I don't know how to master both. No matter how I try to balance my male and femme sides and expression, it will always come at the cost of my masculinity; the masculine "man's man" she always knew.

Thank you, all. I know it must have been deeply personal for many of you to share your stories. It's why I love this forum.

[Alice_2014_B]

As a caveat to my response I understand that not everyone's situation is the same as mine; for many it has cost them family, significant others, and friendships.

I have to be strong and brave to get on stage in fem-mode in front of strangers and attempt to be funny.

But those aforementioned who have really paid seemingly have been stronger and braver than myself. It's easy, to me, to do what I do.

So, I guess all crossdressing has cost me is quite a bit of money on high heels.

In return I've been "paid" by some of my friendships, mainly a few gal-pals, being enriched.

:)

[Rogina B]

She noted the loss of her man's masculinity. Where once she saw and perhaps adored a masculine man, she forever sees a feminized man. I mean...... that's the goal for those of us who wish to be women, isn't it?! Yet it seems so sad for our partners to lose this part of their relationship in order for us (me?) to find that true inner femme self. I don't know how to master both. No matter how I try to balance my male and femme sides and expression, it will always come at the cost of my masculinity; the masculine "man's man" she always knew..

I will respond to this from my own experience.. Accept that you have nothing "macho" to prove. All your "male fun tickets" got used up but you have a fresh roll of "girl tickets" and you intend to use them up ! There is a "mourning period" after the "reveal" gets completely processed that the "guy she married" isn't coming back,he died. However,there is a new and improved version in his place if she becomes willing to accept that. No one is perfect and that includes wives as well as husbands..She could change in some fashion as well and you would still love her. On another note,I see "enthusiasm" as a good and bad thing. "Gender issues" probably didn't hold any headspace before for her or your family. Now,you are cramming it in. It takes time ! I have been socially transitioning for over 12 years. Honestly,it has only been the last 5 or so that my wife has been fully onboard with my needs to live it every day. My now 16 yr old daughter has been everywhere with me since she was 5 and tells me that she enjoys having a transgender father.She was steady in her acceptance of the feminine me from day one and so I never had any doubts that I was doing the right thing for myself. I suggest you not overthink things..

[Pat]

Ilene - I think all of us who proceed on to our "authentic selves" late in life have to carry the burden of having lied to the people around us. We can rationalize it many ways, but it's history, unchangeable, and just something we have to come to terms with. In a way we cheated the people we know out of the opportunity to know us -- we let them get attached to a character we were playing. Remember poor Leonard Nimoy who basically could never escape the well-beloved Spock character.

I played my character for 60 seasons before I cancelled the series ;) -- some people liked that character a lot and they aren't thrilled to find out that he didn't really exist. Others look for what is common between the character and the actor. And it turns out there's a lot. All the thinking, all the caring, the skills and experience -- those are all part of Who I Am and do not change. The parts I left behind were the false bits that I layered on to keep people from knowing who I was. I don't know anyone who really wishes I was still sarcastic, short-tempered or aloof. Nobody says, "Gee I really wish you'd go back to dismissing me." For the most part they just want to see me in the old costume and then mostly because then it means they don't have to think. Part of your process has to be to help your wife to understand that you're still there. And show her why you're better now, not worse.

My girlfriend who has ridden this out with me told me that the difference between me before and me now is that now she sees joy when I smile. "You used to smile a lot," she said, "but you always seemed sad. Now there's happiness inside you and it shows." I can't predict your future, but I think if your wife gives herself the chance she'll find she likes the person you become even more than the person you were. At least as long as you like that person as well and let it show.

Good luck.

[Jemima]

Crossdressing has cost me some friendship. Not close friends though. But, anyway, still, it has been sort of upsetting to realise that some people don't contact me anymore (of course, one can say that there just might be another reason; but, I am 99 percent sure about the reason; lol) due to the crossdressing. Have I confronted those people and said something like 'Hey, what's happening ? Am I correct to guess that my crossdressing has caused you not to want to see me again ?' NO. That is just not my style to do something like that.

I am in my late forties, and I started 'outdoors-crossdressing' only about 7-8 years ago (and I have gradually increased my level of CD'ing).

Actually, my CD'ing outdoors is sort of 'partial CD'ing'. For example, I never wear a dress, skirt or full make-up, but, I guess even my wearing short shorts and some accessories like anklets and toerings has put some people in my life off from seeing me. Oh, well.

Anyway, it has been quite a long time that I stopped getting TOO upset about it.

Other than this, obviously, it has cost me some money; lol. But, I guess I have never been a big spender (I don't go for expensive brands, for example), so I have no regrets.

[Stephanie Kimberlie]

Money for clothing. But I feel it is worth every dollar that I spend. As far as relationships/friendships, nothing, as I dress in private.

[Vintage4sarah]

Let's start with the obvious and that would be finances. Especially in the last ten years, I have reconciled this issue by selling off some of my collection of historical militaria to keep the family budget in check. I worked this out with my wife and it works for us.

Of greater importance is the trust factor between my wife and my life as Sarah. She discovered Sarah by accident 18 years ago and her interpretation of my lack of truth earlier and some subsequent lies on my part have impacted our relationship. It has taken this long to repair the damage, but we did it even though I know that that some doubts will always be there. This is the greatest blow to me personally.

The last issue is something that many of us experience and that is the turmoil of all those years since our teen years where we were in person conflict with who we are and the life others expected us to live.