Do you ask permission?

[Kate Simmons]

I'm not on the Forum as much as I used to be but when I do occasionally come back, I notice that even some who have been CDing for years still tend to ask for "permission" to be themselves from either their SO or society in general. Kind of curious. I've been doing this most of my life in secret, finally coming "out" around 2001. Do you still feel you need to ask for the "permission" of others to be yourself? Just curious. :)

[Micki_Finn]

I almost always run anything new by the spouse. No, she’s not “dominating” the relationship, or have me on a short leash. She’s not an Anti-dressing ogre like some of the girls like to portray SOs who get asked permission. I do it because I love and respect my spouse, and care about her feelings and I want to minimize any discomfort she feels. That said, she has never said no. It’s more of just a courtesy “heads up”. And yes, I would expect the same from her if she were doing anything radical or that might make me uncomfortable.

[Diane Taylor]

No one should need permission to be themselves, whether it's with an SO or society in general. Maybe it's just me, but I have never asked and never will ask anyone's permission to be myself.

[Robertacd]

It really depends on your relationship now doesn't it? You know what? There is more than one right answer when it comes to life. Some SO's will never fully accept and understand. You can come out as often as you want, but that doesn't mean everyone must or will accept you or your decision.

[Beverley Sims]

Kate, although a bit closeted over the years, I have learned two things, don't ask your wife's opinion on how you look and don't go cap in hand and ask permission.

On the second one just work out whether it seems a good time and appropriate to dress.

As for asking an opinion, just wait for the comments and suggestions, they will come without prompting.

Hey! Nice to see you again.

[Krisi]

I've often seen posts about asking permission to "be yourself" or similar topics. It's the "be yourself" part that's confusing. I would think that for most of us, our "self" is far more than just crossdressing.

Should you have to ask your wife if you can crossdress? Ideally no, but most of our lives and relationships are not ideal. Our wives may be horrified to see us prancing around in a tutu and six inch heels. Or just the thought of us pretending to be females. Or they may worry that the children will see their daddy in a dress. Our wives may worry about friends, family or neighbors finding out about our dressing and the social or career consequences.

Society in general does not accept men pretending that they are women as normal. Again, this can affect our careers.

We, as individuals, have to evaluate how our dressing will affect our lives and future. Some of us may be single and not tied down to a career while others may be married, have a family and a career that needs to be protected.

In the end, it is us who give ourselves permission (or don't give ourselves permission) to do everything we do including crossdressing. It is us, and in some cases our families, who deal with the consequences of our actions.

Most of us don't give ourselves permission to steal or otherwise break the law and most of us don't give ourselves permission to cheat on our wives. Don't feel intimidated if you don't give yourself permission to come out to the world as a crossdresser. You need to do what's best for yourself and your loved ones.

[Lana Mae]

It depends on the individual's circumstances! As I stated in another thread, my boss has seen my earrings and polished nails and has said nothing! My children are both accepting and I have a following of grocery checkout girls who want to see my fingernails when I get them done! YMMV Hugs Lana Mae Oh, did I mention this is in NC!

[Jaylyn]

Well said Krisi and I agree totally with what Micki has posted.
I don't need permission to dress but to so at my speed and my time. I do dress some out of respect for my family and friends of the family when and where no one can be the wiser. We all have problem of the term be yourself. That varies with every individual on here. We can only be called by the name Crossdressers but even that carries many different degrees of depth.

[Jenn A116]

As a courtesy to my wife I always mention to her that I'm going to do Jennifer for a while.

As a courtesy to Jennifer, my wife never says no.

[Stephanie47]

Permission? Over the years on this forum I have seen a wide range of comments addressing "dressing." On one extreme there have been many comments basically saying to shove a person's cross dressing right in the face of a not so accepting wife. On the other extreme is the "hen-pecked" wife who dictates and thoroughly controls her husband. What's a guy suppose to do? Forget the men who are hiding their wardrobes and their wives have no clue as to his cross dressing. If there is suppose to be some sort of marital harmony that also includes consideration for the wife. If she does not want to see her husband dolled up for whatever reason, but, also recognizes her husband has a genuine need to be fulfilled, then there has to been an arrangement. Sometimes it is verbal communication. "Honey, I'm going over to the next town to visit. I'll be back in eight hours. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home." That is a hint for her husband to do his thing. Or, it can be more open as you indicate. "Please, honey, why don't you go visit your friend for eight hours, so I can dress." Sometimes a wife will establish a routine to accommodate her husband's need without expressly addressing the issue.

When it comes to asking permission from society you really do not need its permission. You can do anything you want. Maybe not so much in some states as in mine (Washington). Our laws are a lot more favorable to cross dressers, transgender men and women, gays and lesbians. You just have to be willing to bear the consequences of your actions. "Birds of a feather, flock together" may be appropriate. Establish a group of friends or like minded individuals and places to congregate where the atmosphere welcoming. Society seems to structure social arrangements all the time.

[audreyinalbany]

not 'permission' so much as courtesy and respect for the SO's feelings

[docrobbysherry]

Nice to see u back, Kate!:hugs:

My 2 cents:

Your post brings up the often discussed topic of DADT. Which to most here means: lie, hide, and cheat!:Angry3:

While I feel it should mean: Discuss your dressing with your SO and strike a compromise!:straightface:

My live in, adult daughter does not want anything to do with Sherry. So, I tell her when I will dress and where in the house and/or yard I will be. She is either away or avoids the area(s) I'll be in, dressed. This has worked well for us both!:thumbsup:

[Meghan4now]

I almost always run anything new by the spouse. No, she’s not “dominating” the relationship, or have me on a short leash. She’s not an Anti-dressing ogre like some of the girls like to portray SOs who get asked permission. I do it because I love and respect my spouse, and care about her feelings and I want to minimize any discomfort she feels. That said, she has never said no. It’s more of just a courtesy “heads up”. And yes, I would expect the same from her if she were doing anything radical or that might make me uncomfortable.
Yep, pretty well put. If I strictly asked for permission, it might be no, but I do try to respect that discomfort. I have also told her there is an open invitation at any time to join me. But not to feel forced.

[Dana44]

Good to see you Kate. Idon't need to ask permission although sometimes I discus it with her. If I don't dress, she has asked me why not.

[Pat]

Permission is sneaky stuff. In a society that values conformance, it's pretty natural to seek permission for any behavior, let alone one for which you think permission might plausibly be withheld. Drivers licenses, university degrees, library cards are all forms of societal permission that we seek and if you fail to get permission you may get into trouble. When I started my "legal transition" (the term for changing the gender marker on your official documents) I readily told my therapist it was a permission-seeking behavior on my part. I was looking for the state to basically give me permission to present feminine. Did I need that? Intellectually, no, I didn't. Emotionally I feel better knowing that if I get challenged, I have permission to be who I know myself to be. Weird stuff, being human. ;)

[Teresa]

Hi Kate,
The need to dress and permission to do so still creates a problem , even though I'm about to separate from my wife she is still trying to lay down boundaries and rules. I told her to stop and listen to herself, she was basically dictated how I should live my life by her rules , totally oblivious to me as a separate human being and not a possession acquired through marriage .

I still read too many threads and comments and see evidence of this, we are individuals with needs separate from our partners as much as they are with us but do they need to seek permission for many of their actions ? On the whole NO !

Krisi,
The way you word your reply almost suggests we are committing a criminal act , again I have to pick you up on the comment of pretending to be women, please remember it goes deeper for many of us even if it doesn't for you. I hope to be going out as a TG that may or may not pass as a woman , I don't need permission for that but acceptance and respect . It's not to shock people or upset them but me trying to be ME !

[stephNE]

Hi Kate! Good to see you again!
Like you I am out there. Every day is sort of different for me.
Some days I dress and go out, other days I ask my wife if she would like to go with me, which many days she does.
Steph

[CONSUELO]

Teresa raises an interesting issue. We do have partners and we do have relationships but do we have to subsume an important part of ourselves in order for the relationship to survive.
In Teresa's case, there seemed to be no ground for compromise, so the relationship had to move to a different and looser level. It is clear from all of the posts and comments from Teresa that she needs to fully express her TG self in order to be happy. I think her decision was good and completely justified.

[nikkiwindsor]

For me, I do ask permission from my wife when I desire to dress up...and I asked her permission to shave my legs. My feminine spirit lives inside me regardless of my physical appearance. But, I'm most happy and content when expressing my feminine side.

[Susan Smith]

No - but I like to get agreement

[Laura912]

Hi, Kate, nice to see you again. Permission? No. Just dressing without warning? Sort of, but I generally have a feel for what is going on and try to avoid times that are inconvenient for both of us. Giving myself permission? Ah, that is a bit of a conundrum because, perhaps, of my age and existing so long in a closet so deep it had its own dimension in space and time, I am still hesitant to dress all the way. Yet, in the workshop, where I spend most days, I am dressed in panties and bra and work clothes but without makeup and wig...just too much sawdust. And my wife does not complain at all. No, I do not go out dressed and that is another whole thread, but my wife is not the main part of why I don’t.

[~Joanne~]

When I was in the closet, obviously I didn't need permission, just the time need for a session to dress ;) After coming out in 12-13 I have never asked permission to dress, I am never had to or ever felt the need too. My SO has no problems with my dressing at all.

[Rayleen]

After coming out and telling to SO, I would just let her know I was going to get dressed or put on evening night gown.

Now , being alone gives me freedom to indulge when I please. Dressing alone is less enjoyable, but delightful .

Rayleen.

[Asew]

My wife has known for 2 weeks now and I haven't asked permission but I am limiting when I dress to a couple nights a week so it isn't overwhelming (even though she seems super supportive). Since we have a friend living with us, anytime him and our kids are both gone I am always putting on a skirt since there is only a couple hours a week at most when this happens (just a skirt and heels since it usually while I am working from home).

[sami1952]

I only ask when I want to go out for the weekend by my self

[Maria 60]

If it's a sunny day and we have the front door open enjoying the light, I may ask my wife if she minds I close the door to dress.

[Steph_CD_62]

The only time I "ask permission" is if I can tell my wife is in a bad mood, and I have the desire to dress.

Other than that I dress when I want which is a couple times a week.

[alwayshave]

have never had to ask, but I have informed her when I will be heading out dressed just for the heads up.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I used to ask for permission, but not so much any more. Asking for permission was more likely to turn into an argument. If I still decided to go out, I would often feel guilty about it, and not have as much fun.

Now, I mostly ask for "forgiveness". By that I mean that I tell her I'm going out, rather than asking if I may go out. She always wants to know when I expect to be back. I'd like to say, "After midnight", but I usually give her a specific time. It's almost as bad as asking for permission. It shouldn't really matter how long I'm out; she's in bed by 9 PM anyhow.

What really got me frustrated is that my adult daughter (who lives in the basement) does not have a curfew. Why should I have one. Although, we even ask our daughter to text us if she's not coming home. No other questions asked.

[Rogina B]

Our wives may be horrified to see us prancing around in a tutu and six inch heels. Or just the thought of us pretending to be females.

Society in general does not accept men pretending that they are women as normal. Again, this can affect our careers.

We, as individuals, have to evaluate how our dressing will affect our lives and future. Some of us may be single and not tied down to a career while others may be married, have a family and a career that needs to be protected.

Don't feel intimidated if you don't give yourself permission to come out to the world as a crossdresser. You need to do what's best for yourself and your loved ones.

You have said a lot in your post. It is all about personal circumstances...isn't it?

[DanielleDubois]

As several have already said it's not so much about asking permission but having open communication with my wife. No different than when she tells me she is going to be out all day doing her silversmithing. Which coincidentally is usually a good Danielle opportunity :)

[Ozark]

I dress androgynous so most of the time I'm just wearing my everyday clothing. I've mentioned before the 'rule of three'....for every three items of clothing I wear one must be drab, or should be drab.... I usually wear men's or women's fishing shirts with women's jeans or shorts, so no I don't ask permission.

Sometimes, in the evening, if my wife is in the mood, she will ask me if I want to get into 'something pretty' ... I have a closet full of pajamas, gowns and robes, mostly by Vanity Fair and Shadowline...I will put one of those on.

When things are tense between us, and not related to clothing, I don't wear anything pretty ...just don't feel like it, like I'm punishing myself.

so, in a sense, I don't ask permission, she gives me permission...

[Krea]

At home my wife is generally ok with me dressing as i want.
The only time that i specifically ask her what she thinks is when i want to try-out something completely new. It's important that i know if she feels ok with what i want to try and i welcome her constructive criticism.
So far we have managed to find a happy balance like this. Long may it continue....:daydreaming:

[GretchenJ]

Micki’s post is totally spot on in terms of our relationship. It truly is not permission but rather open communication and common courtesy.

[LeannS]

No I do not ask for permission. We talk a lot about things but not about my dressing
oh she knows about what I do but that is why I am in a dadt better just alone.
I now have 5 days of being able to dress If I need to go out now it will be during the day time or when she is away.
and to me that is ok

[Katie Lynn cd]

I always ask as to when is a good time for me to dress. Not sure if I see it as permission or just good communication between my wife and I.

[LilSissyStevie]

Ask permission? You're kidding, right!:eek: I would never have the effrontery to ask anything of The Goddess. She would stomp my fingers as I groveled on the ground before Her and deservedly so. My role is anticipate and fulfill Her desires before She expresses them and to ask nothing for myself. If She has to express a desire, I have already failed. But other than that, I do as I please. I'm not a doormat, Ya'know!:tongueout

[Genny B]

I used to feel guilty and cancel plans to go out if I hadn't told my wife and them I finally figured out that I just had to tell her I was invited to join some friends out and I ask her if she would like to join us. The answer has always been a firm no but for me to be safe. That takes the guilt off my back...

Genny B

[kayegirl]

Like many here, it's not so much asking permission, as keeping aware. My wife doesn't like surprises, so whenever I exit the bedroom dressed I shout out "Skirt Alert", and it's working really well.

[Asew]

I like the "skirt alert" :)

[Judy-Somthing]

What's the old saying? "Happy Wife Happy Life"
Two years ago I tried to be opened and honest with the wife about my dressing and things went very bad!
For me I find life to be so much easer to be back in the closet.
Some times I bum out that she doesn't except who I am!

I think dressing is so much FUN!
Even today my wife said Pink isn't for men!
I said "women want full equal rights and can wear anything they want, lace, any color, dresses, pants, but men should never wear lace, pink, or dresses!

[JulesLynne]

Permission? Well, not really. Part of my reluctance to come out to my wife was a fear of rejection and shame. Knowing that she’s OK with my dressing at home really helps me alleviate the shame aspect of it, and communicating when I’d like to dress is in both of our best interests. She encourages me to me to remain open and home and she’s OK with me dressing (minus wig, makeup) whenever she’s around, and it’s really amazing being dressed with her and having her accept me in my favorite dress and heels! If she’s not at home, I’d always want her to know that I’m dressed simply so that she can give me a head’s up when she’s on her way home with the kids or any of her friends.

So for me, it’s not so much about permission as it is about communication and mutual support. But since since my dressing has always been linked to shame, having her “permission” really helps me feel more comfortable when dressed.

Hope that makes sense.

[Jessica May]

I am also with Micki on this one. I absolutely talk to my wife about it out of respect for her feelings. She supports me and sometimes even is the one to suggest I have some Jess time when the moment is right. So it is not out of here controlling just us keeping the waves of communication open for the benefit of our relationship and family :)

[Kate Simmons]

Thanks my friends for your various interesting answers and observations. It's nice to be here chatting with the "gang" again. Have a great weekend everyone. :battingeyelashes::)

[KelleyB]

For the first couple of weeks after I dressed fully, last year when I told/showed my lovely wife, I did ask, but she insisted I didn't need to ask, and that it's my house, I can wear what I want.

I'm quite lucky in this regard.

[DaisyLawrence]

I never ask permissionto do anything. Having said that, I never choose to do anything that I would not get permission to do. I would not share my life with someone who would not let me do what I want and I would not expect my wife to ask for permission to do anything she wants. We are grown ups.

[Nikki A.]

Hi Kate, when my wife was alive it wasn't asking for permission, but there were times when I knew it would not go over well if she was in the wrong mood. It was a matter of communication. Now I don't need to ask permission from anyone, especially society. But Kate you know that, I march to the beat of my own drummer.

[abby054]

Permissions? No. All my stuff is in a girl cave in a heated / cooled storage facility four km away. There is no possibility of contact, so no need to consider acting permission.

[jacques]

hello Kate,
It depends on what you mean by "being yourself".
I am always the same person whatever I am wearing and need no permission to do that. However I do check sometimes that it is appropriate to crossdress; usually by telling my wife - "I am just going to get changed now!"... just in case she has made other plans for the evening.
luv J

[Alice B]

I do ask for permission. My wife is fully aware of Alice and has seen her many times. I always ask for permission before dressing, knowing that I will dress. It is a way of letting her know I need to do this. She has never said no and if she did I would respect her wish. She accepts my need for dressing even thought she does not wish to be a part of it.

[Majella St Gerard]

Children ask for permission not adults, just saying.

[kimberly c]

Im an adult and do what I want dressing is a big part of my life and I do share it with my wife.