Turning a secret into a more enjoyable reality

[Tamsin Secret]

Telling a wife or SO that you crossdress is never going to be an easy decision to make.

It should be treated with the utmost caution as there are so many possible outcomes.

I did my thinking, worked out what I was ready to lose and asked myself a thousand times how important crossdressing was to me.

This could cost my marriage.

The dust is still settling. There is communication on the subject and I have been given space since to 'do my thing'.

I know this is only the beginning for our relationship and which way it will go may always be a question waiting to be answered.

All I can say is that I now enjoy my 'Tammy Time' to levels I previously thought never existed.

No longer am I hiding in bags.

I'm perfecting make-up, putting outfits together and believing that someday soon I will be out in the world as Tamsin. Those experiences will be enough for me to put it all back in its closet until the next time.

It's no longer a risky game. It's become a fulfilling and enjoyable experience.

I'm a better person for it. I know I am.

There maybe hidden and unrepairable damage to my relationship with my wife but so far she has remained strong and outwardly it hasn't seemed to have changed anything much. I know she's hurting, she's told me so, I will do my best to help her through it.

Each day as it comes,

Tammy

[Krea]

I hope that everything continues to go well for you.
Just remember not to rush things too much and keep her aware that inside you are still the person she chose to marry.
Good luck! :)

[Asew]

Since you have been here a while you probably have good insight from others sharing their secret. Hope you find a nice balance for works for both of you.

[Cassiek]

Best of luck and warm wishes to you and your wife. I started coming clean with my wife about 2 months ago. She knows that I dress but not the full extent of my desires.

[Micki_Finn]

Good luck to you, but I feel it fair to warn you: letting it all out does not necessarily make it easier to put away later. In fact it can be quite the opposite. It can be harder to turn it off once you’ve experienced a level of freedom.

[LeannS]

That is great that you took that direction. I do hope the both of you can come to terms that is both agreeable.

Leann

[Stephanie47]

Hope it continues to work out for you and your wife. Once your secret is revealed it becomes a secret shared by two. One of the problems that may arise, and, this was stated by my wife with sharing such a secret is that she had nobody to talk to about it. Many women will have another woman who is close, whether it is a relative or a friend, with whom they may share stresses of life. The secret may become a burden. The other issue is whether in the long run she can continue to accept cross dressing in her husband, especially if the husband continues to expand his interests. A wife is entitled to change her mind. Again, I hope there is smooth sailing ahead for you and your wife.

[Sidney]

Your wife has given you space "to do my thing" is not a blank check to do whatever you want. You have had awhile to think about you. This is all new to her. If you have read post on similar coming outs the number one comment is "take baby steps, go slow". Give her time. Your in a relationship, that involves feeling and emotions of two people, not just you.

[Samm]

My wife is 100% supportive and encouraging. But I still keep the thought in the back of my mind that she may someday lose interest or change her views about me totally. It's kind of my own personal reality check. I will say, that since I told her (before we were married) our relationship has been far stronger due to the fact that there are now no secrets between us. You say your wife is hurting, and tells you this. That's not all bad. Just keep that line of communication open and you both should be stronger for it.

[Jenny22]

I'm happy for you, Tamsin, and hope that your dear wife learns to slowly love Tamsin. For those who still are wishing to reveal, please share how you did yours and how you developed your approach. Your methods may be of real value to others.

[Tamsin Secret]

[QUOTE=Stephanie47;4208835]Hope it continues to work out for you and your wife. Once your secret is revealed it becomes a secret shared by two. One of the problems that may arise, and, this was stated by my wife with sharing such a secret is that she had nobody to talk to about it. Many women will have another woman who is close, whether it is a relative or a friend, with whom they may share stresses of life. The secret may become a burden.QUOTE]

Hi Stephanie, I was conscious of this when making my decision and as such told her that she must confide in another as this wasn't to be a process of offloading a secret onto another. I also said that if she wasn't going to I would let +1 know and tell her who that was. In the end she did confide in someone close so she wasn't alone with this new knowledge. It sounds blunt how I've just written it and I assure you it was said with a lot more empathy and emotion at the time. I know to well what its like to carry around such a secret for so long and I did not want that for her.

All, thanks for your comments. Everyone's story will be different I just hope that sharing mine will give insight to others as they did for me when I first found this Haven.

[Rayleen]

As I said before for me it was : communication and honesty between SO and me.

This has worked fine for me.

Hug, Rayleen

[Maria 60]

Well your still together which is great, and I believe her giving space is another great sign of she's trying which is another good sign. When I read your thread I could almost feel your relief and excitement and yet the caution and concern about your wife. I'm no expert but what from what I read I could she two people who care for each other and are willing to bend and find a happy medium. Keep us up to date with everything.

[Jaylyn]

As has already been stated just find a balance with the wife and with your dressing. Be sure to give something back to your wife as you progress by this I mean include her as much as she will accept. I got mine to suggest colors and taught me to apply makeup. This helps if they are not surprised but feel inclusive in your journey.

[Beverley Sims]

Just take it easy and don't push the issue, things may turn out for the better eventually.

It will take time.

[Becky Blue]

You Go Girl, so far so good, you seem to be taking things slowly and carefully and are very aware of your wife's feelings.. hopefully things keep going well got you Tammy!!

[Devi SM]

"All I can say is that I now enjoy my 'Tammy Time' to levels I previously thought never existed."

Hi Tamsin,
I really love when one of us is able to open the road to more freedom and I wish you the best for you and your wife.
Just some words of precaution:
I quote one of your feelings expressed, be careful with those new avenues your open and always think in your wife. Our mind is very plastic and demanding and those level will increase more than decrease.
I'd like to recommend you some books as an example of it, may be the best is Alice in genderland, by Ric novic Md.
Have in mind that as your levels are changing they are going to change in your wife's mind too.
So don't let your relation with your wife on this topic be related to a DADT situation. Those words "my thing"
say a lot so you must be very smart to try to include your thing in her life but this is the more critical thing to do.
Always have in mind all the fears wives have, would be gay? Will he like to do it in public? Sometimes we look better than them and that can produce jealousy so don't get everything for granted.
I wish the best for both and please keep posting us about your, for sure, evolving life from now...

[Dana44]

Nice news Tammy, but I would keep it balanced. Treat your wife well and it wlill. help.

[Joyce Swindell]

I too have been there. I married young (19) and thought have sex and being married would stop the need to dress. We all know what happens there...we end up where many are... trying to tell our spouses about what didn't go away.

Easily enough while dating the truth is revield before it gets too serious. What's to loose isn't too bad. So....good for you... keep keeping on!

[jacques]

hello Tammy,
secrets are not good... it is easy for secrets to become elaborate lies or burdens. you have probably made the right decision - good luck!
I crossdress in private with my wife not in secret.
luv J

[ClosetED]

Good luck with your wife. I have had many ups and downs with my wife. Try to open up communication
Hugs, Ellen

[pennyromana]

I had a recent health scare... one of those where you either do the healthy thing or die. As a result I last 50 lbs. That's when things got really nuts. It turns out I had gynecomastia. But because of my being overweight, I never even knew it. Neither did my wife of 30+ years. Long story story, I'm now wearing a bra, and buying women's clothes because that it s the only thing that will fit. When it all started, I went to a very knowledgeable counselor, she explained what was happening. Now my wife accepts who I am, realizing that i'm the same person she married those many years ago.

I can't tell you how great it feels to be me

[DaisyLawrence]

I'm a better person for it. I know I am.

And that is the key to your long term happiness with your wife Tamsin.

All you need to do is let her come to realise that you are a better person when you embrace your true self and when she does she will not want to go back. My wife tells me all the time that she prefers the 'true' me and encourages me to do more and more. At first, all that societal conditioning caused her to have the usual fears but over a relatively short time she saw the change in me and she liked what she saw. Our relationship is much deeper, we are more connected now and she is much happier herself. So, be that better person, everday, and let her see it. It make take time but it will be worth it for both of you in the end. Good luck.

[Shely]

Stephanie, that is so true. The secret takes on a life of it's own. My wife knows of my dressing, somewhat, but not the full extent I am sure. And i a DADT atmosphere the subject is taboo. Lately i have been dying to tell my sister of my dressing, I just feel the need to tell someone about it. It's hard to keep it all canned up inside. Last summer while on a weekend trip to KC my sister noted that she liked the jeans i was wearing, and of course they were women's (Gloria Vanderbilt). I don't k now what brought on that remark. My sister is pretty liberal and informed and i think she could handle it, but. I don't guess i will let the cat out of the bag anytime soon, but it is tempting to see what the response would be.

[MiniRock]

I wonder if it would make sense to exaggerate your manliness when you are in man mode, as a way of compensating for your cross dressing at other times? As I have already said in this forum, my fiancée doesn't seem to disapprove of the idea of my cross-dressing; we have even bought clothes together, for example. Nevertheless, I have no intention of taking her continued approval for granted. I am aware, for example, how often she compliments me as I leave work in the morning, suited up. Whether that is a subtle hint, I don't know, but since she wants to marry a man, that is what I must be.

[TXSara]

Tammy --

I, too, have recently had "the talk" with my wife. She is really struggling with the news, and it is a day-to-day rollercoaster of emotion for her. I love her more than I can ever express, and I hate that I have put her in a position to feel betrayed in a sense. I do, though, feel like I have done the right thing -- I am confident that she will come around as long as we have open and honest communication. I have faith in her and our marriage!

TXSara

[Tamsin Secret]

Sara,

It's now been six months since I had the conversation I stand by my decision to tell but may have underestimated the ramifications of doing so.

All areas are of heightened emotion from how my wife copes with this news to my feelings of wanting to now push the boundaries.

With each day comes more hurdles and it is definitely the elephant in the room a lot of the time. My advice is to talk talk and talk some more if she will let you. But when you talk try to let her lead the conversation and always respond to negativity with reason and reassurance and never get frustrated or angry. Been down that road, it makes things worse.

Be the best husband you can be and prove you are not different since the news.

Tammy