I may have spoken too soon about how accepting my wife is... [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

KelleyB

02-19-2018, 07:30 PM

I've been really 'proud' here about how accepting my wife has been of being her husband in a dress/skirt-blouse for the past few months, but the other day, I was wearing a 'new' blouse and she said, as I approached to kiss her in the bedroom (ironically, exiting the closet), she said, "this doesn't do anything for me. In fact, I don't recognize you looking like that. I don't see my husband."

She said some other things which are mostly a blur.

Me: "Does it turn you off?"

Her: "Yes, it turns me off."

Me: "Okay, I won't wear it anymore..."

Her: "No, I know you enjoy it."

Me: "That's fine, I understand."

So, looks like I go back in the closet, kind of. I moved all my girl clothes to my computer room's walk-in closet. Well, all those save for the ones in the bedside table.

I wonder what she'll say, if anything, when she notices.

Watch, in a month, she'll ask why I don't dress up, anymore, or may even try to encourage me to in her presence, again. :confused:

Tracii G

02-19-2018, 07:34 PM

When they say thats fine remember they are not fine.
Next time don't be trying to kiss her while you have a dress on.
Women change their minds all the time so don't even try to make any sense of what they do.

Maria 60

02-19-2018, 08:01 PM

What's good today is not good tomorrow, that's how they tick. I don't try to push the issue with the dressing, but sometimes just as you experienced it doesn't take much. We went out shopping and I bought all kinds of things and there was no issues. A few weeks later I asked her to buy me a pair of pantyhose and she snapped back " God forbid we go out once and Maria doesn't buy something".I told her not to worry about it and she said she doesn't want to be the B" cry. I got pissed off and said someone else just ruined a beautiful day and is acting more like a "B". Just like a snap of a finger she changed her additude.
Just take it slow and put the ball in her court and see what she serves you. Let us know how it goes and keep us in the loop.

Micki_Finn

02-19-2018, 08:04 PM

Sounds like maybe she is just having issues with intimacy/sexuality when you are dressed. Maybe she finds you ridiculous when you dress. Maybe she just really isn’t into women and you pass TOO well. I don’t know that you need to stop dressing, just lay off the affection. She’s not Katy Perry and doesn’t want to kiss a girl, nor would she like it.

KelleyB

02-19-2018, 08:32 PM

Yes, it may have been too much, too quickly.

I'll just wait it out.

Trust me, Micki_Finn, I don't try to, and couldn't if I wanted to, pass.

Stephanie Kimberlie

02-19-2018, 08:40 PM

My wife does not approve of my cross dressing and therefore I do so in private. I do so, almost every time she is away for several hours. Hopefully some day she will accept my real self.

Steph_CD_62

02-19-2018, 08:56 PM

My wife is pretty accepting of my dressing as long as she doesn't see me in a dress.

Well yesterday I was wearing my newest dress and she made the comment that she liked the dress. I had only worn it one other time, but had to take it off before she got up since I had spilled something on it, so she hadn't seen the dress before, unless she saw it hanging in my side of our closet.

So my wife's opinion of my dressing changes on a some what regular basis. I don't want to give you too much hope, but in my situation it seems it depends on the day on how much my wife accepts my dressing.

ShyLibrarian

02-19-2018, 09:21 PM

Damn - so sorry to hear KelleyB. I would certainly find that saddening

Joni T

02-19-2018, 09:38 PM

Maybe, just maybe, do you think maybe she wants the MAN back in her life that she married? I'm just sayin'.......
Jon

Drew GB

02-19-2018, 09:43 PM

My wife has been amazing as well but she has been away for a funeral for the last several days. I told her I wanted to shave and she said ok but just wait till I am on the plane then send a picture so I can get used to it slowly. Well she flies back tonight and I asked if she would like me or Andy to pick her up. She asked to think about it and before her flight home took off she called and said she didn’ know. This to me meant no and as I told her that she responded by saying but I want you to be happy and this makes you happy. I told her flat out it is also about you being happy and that will always mean more to me. So I asked her again and she said I want you (as in my male me) to come get me. I said happily.

I think her indecision is because she has always know me with my beard and stash and seeing me for the first time without will be easier if I am not also in makeup and a dress. Now my plan is as soon as we get home I will jump right back in my cammy and leggings but I now know too that she is still dealing with this and their are still and will still be hurdles for us to overcome.

The point being no matter how good we think we have it we all need to remember we are not the only ones affected and sometimes we need to be willing to put her away for a bit and let the others in our lives deal with this in their own time as well. Just be patient! (Which sounds exactly like the thing you are doing.) But also don’t recoil too much as you don’t want them feeling like the bad person. Reassure them you are fine with boundaries (in a reasonable sense) and that this whole thing is constantly evolving and neither of you can truly know what tomorrow brings but you will both be there to face it together.

Wow I so did not mean to go on like that but sometimes you just gotta “let it out!” Bonus points if you know that reference:battingeyelashes:

P.S. I really hope my wife doesn’t freak now over my new pierced ears which she does not know about even though we have talked about it. :doh: eh I shouldn’t be worried since I have not done the dishes either I’m a dead man either way...

lingerieLiz

02-19-2018, 10:12 PM

My wife has swings about how accepting she is. I also have swings about how her and what she wears. We all are humans and have moods. We don't always want sex at the same time or same experience. My wife is not a fan of my having on a lacy night gown during intimate times. Especially if the bodice is lacy and holds my boobs. She finds me too fem.

alwayshave

02-19-2018, 10:18 PM

My fiancee is pretty accepting, only negative seems to be the chest hair issue. However, whenever my ex-wife said fine, it was the kiss off death.

Alice_2014_B

02-20-2018, 12:53 AM

My wife approves and supports all aspects of my dressing, even going out in public, but prefers not to see me in person as such, which I am totally cool with; now if it's something like a dress up party or the Rocky Horror Show participation, that's totally alright.

As far as "in the bedroom", she digs me in heels, that's it. And luckily that is all I care to wear in that regard.

I say just take it a day at a time, can be a bummer I imagine.

:)

Tracii G

02-20-2018, 01:46 AM

Its pretty common when a guy comes out to his wife that he CDs and she is like OK I can deal with some of it but how much I don't know.
The guy takes this acceptance as he has some sort of green light to do nothing but CD or talk about it endlessly, buy clothes and make up,wigs etc.
The wife gets fed up with all the girl stuff its boring because she deals with that everyday.
She married a man and she would like to have her man back is about what it boils down to.
Sounds like you pushed to hard and she is backing up on you.
Its like when guys get a hobby they jump right in full boar and buy all the items needed for that hobby and do nothing but that hobby on the weekends and their wives get pissed.
Its all give and take but be ready to give more than you get in return because thats how women are.

suzanne

02-20-2018, 02:47 AM

Hang in there, Kelly. Its never a straight path from zero to 100% acceptance. Ther will be some setbacks along the way. My wife has gone from "I can't stand to look at you in a dress" and "I'd rather see you dead than in a dress" to "I like most of the outfits you put together" and "I prefer to see you in a skirt outfit rather than a dress" But it wasn't easy.

My wife never wants to talk about my feminine tastes, but from what little she has said, I've deduced that her greatest fear was that I'll go for gender reassignment and she'd lose me. Of course I tried to assure her I was happy in the middle road I'm taking, but what worked best was my dressing in front of her without altering my personality, as if my clothing choices are "Not a Big Deal".

Point being, time and patience and being undramatic will work as long as her mind is the least bit open.

Beverley Sims

02-20-2018, 04:44 AM

This is a ticklish situation, a change of heart midstream so to speak.

Look back, did you push too hard at any stage or even move things about too quickly?

Changes have to be slow and SUBTLE to work successfully.

It takes months, not weeks to achieve any sort of advancement.

Harriettes

02-20-2018, 06:33 AM

A couple of years ago my wife allowed me to wear a plain bralette or a sports bra under my regular guy clothes. One evening she was in bed sobbing and I asked what was wrong. I was shocked to hear her say it was my bra wearing. I had to promise to never wear anything feminine again. Of course we all know that is impossible so I now wear with extreme stealth. I have detected no change in her attitude, mine is to expand my wardrobe by buying high heels and eventually a wig. One marriage two lives.

KelleyB

02-20-2018, 06:36 PM

Maybe, just maybe, do you think maybe she wants the MAN back in her life that she married? I'm just sayin'.......
Jon

Joni T, don't...just don't. That's uncalled for.

I am the same MAN she had, previously. I work on the cars, fix things, et cetera. Been married 20+ years, we've both changed some, but that's age as much as anything.

I pushed too hard, buying a third blouse in as many months.

She saw me the other morning in a red, floor-length skirt, didn't mention a thing, so it may be she's not ready to see me dressed on top unless she's randy.

I'll just relax and wait.

~Renee~

02-20-2018, 08:16 PM

You aren't alone with the duality of taking care of your family via maleness but got this female quirk too. Take solace in knowing there is a forward but it will take communication and a focus on her as number 1. It took a bit for my wife to wrap her head around me but she is still good 5 years later. I let her know in no uncertain terms how much she meant to me and I cherished her. It was that communication channel that let me address what went on in me. She eventually had an epiphany that I was suffering if I didn't express and how could she let that happen. In my case I do the bear minimum to maintain my sanity because I don't want to upend what I have out of irrational fears, aka runaway pink fog. Over time she sees that my mood is lifted considerably when I can express and that I'm easier to be around. My devotion to her becomes more and she is happier.

I would dial things back and focus on your wife. She needs to understand who is number 1 to her and let her figure out that there are far worse things than a husband who does all his duties faithfully and is a CD. It's all a matter of overcoming fears and feeling safe.

~Renee~

karenph

02-20-2018, 08:37 PM

Her reaction that she did not want you to take off your outfit to me signals that her involvement with the female side of is strictly platonic - do not attempt to kiss her when in fem mode, only male mode. Is seems she supports you to be you but there are limits to how much she will be involved with your fem side.

JulesLynne

02-21-2018, 12:18 AM

I agree with Tracii G in the sense that there may be a disconnect between your expectations post “coming out.” It’s possible that from your perspective, you came out and therefore you have a green light to shop, dress, and take up more closet space than before. Perhaps from her perspective, your coming out means that everything is till the same as before, except that you like to occasionally wear women’s clothing. Prior to your coming out, that clothing was probably hidden away somewhere. Bottom line: it’s in both of your best interests if you don’t overwhelm her... and of course, it’s also in both of your interests if you communicate whenever you have any disagreements.

KelleyB

02-21-2018, 06:37 AM

02-21-2018, 07:26 AM

I've been really 'proud' here about how accepting my wife has been of being her husband in a dress/skirt-blouse for the past few months, but the other day, I was wearing a 'new' blouse and she said, as I approached to kiss her in the bedroom (ironically, exiting the closet), she said, "this doesn't do anything for me. In fact, I don't recognize you looking like that. I don't see my husband."

She said some other things which are mostly a blur.

Me: "Does it turn you off?"

Her: "Yes, it turns me off."

Me: "Okay, I won't wear it anymore..."

Her: "No, I know you enjoy it."

Me: "That's fine, I understand."
d:

My two cents as a GG - just from the above conversation. She loves you and wants you to be happy But it's not her thing .
And that's ok right?

But I caution - we can only give you ideas on what might be going on but really we are letting our experiences cloud our replys. Your wife would be able to give her feelings on this .... Everyone is different . I loved my hubby/ wife and it did not matter what she/ he had on - but I knew from day one. Your wife I'm sure loves you and wants to be happy but if she did not know from the beginning she might miss who she was orig attracted to. Don't go to fast and include her .... It's best if you sort out between you both what works for you both.

KelleyB

02-21-2018, 08:52 AM

Yes, that's perfectly okay, and I'm not surprised one bit.

However, for months, she led me down the road that she was okay with it. It's the 180* turn which caught me flat-footed.

I'll see if the waters are calmer, this afternoon, and gently approach it to find out what I can change to make her happy.

ClosetED

02-21-2018, 02:52 PM

I agree with Karenph - your fem presentation can be as a girlfriend and romance is with the drab version. Otherwise, she may feel you are making her into a lesbian, from her point of view.
Sometimes things start out sexual and are accepted, but once you look too feminine, that crosses a boundary.
Hugs, Ellen

lindsey89

02-21-2018, 03:36 PM

This is common. It doesn’t mean she is not accepting. My wife also does not like me to kiss her when dressed. It doesn’t matter if I’m fully made up or just lounging around the house, when I am wearing women’s clothes she prefers I don’t try to kisss her or be too intimate. That doesn’t mean that she never kisses me when I’m dressed, but I understand that it is something that makes her uncomfortable so if she wants to kiss me and wants to initiate that then I’m good with it, but if she doesn’t then I am ok with that as well. I know she loves me, she just isn’t always sexually attracted to me when I’m presenting as Lindsey. And that’s okay.

char GG

02-21-2018, 06:26 PM

Stephanie47

02-21-2018, 07:02 PM

My wife and I are in a really deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. If I did not know she knows of my cross dressing, I'd swear she was in the dark.....as in total darkness. For over thirty years she has not said "boo." On occasion she has found an article of clothing I failed to gather up before she came home from work; a panty or a bra or some water balloons in the kitchen sink I failed to pop. All she has ever said was to tell me she found the bra or panty and put it on top of the clothes dryer. That's it. I know my cross dressing is not her thing at all. I respect that. There is no body modifications. No clandestine nail polish under my socks. She has no desire to be in some sort of pseudo lesbian relationship. She married a man, and, she wants to keep it like that. One thing I constantly see on this forum is 'cross dressing creep.' Maybe, the woman gives her man and inch and he takes a mile. He takes a grain of acceptance and runs with it. Even when told prior to marriage or developing that deep relationship things are apt to change. "Love is blind." Sooner or later a wife may awaken from the honeymoon, and, change her stance on any number of things. Aren't fifty percent of marriages headed for divorce?

I've always been a person to lay it out on the line, and, since my wife laid it out on the line I have to respect that. I would suggest sitting down, discussing and establishing some sort of agreed upon boundaries which are to be adhered to unless changed by mutual agreement.

KelleyB

02-21-2018, 08:18 PM

So when I read this, it seems to me that she didn’t want to be kissed with you in girl mode. Your reaction to to her seemed a bit on the snarky side. She appears to be trying to accommodate you. By your moving your clothes and expecting a reaction out of her may not be ideal. It would seem that now you are trying to make her feel bad for a reaction to the kiss (passive/aggressive). She may not mind the dressing, in general. Only you know your wife, though, not the strangers on this forum.

This is just me, I don’t mind my husband dressing, I will go to dinner, shopping, even dancing with him CDed. However, I don’t want any kissing, hugging, or hand holding if he is in girl mode. I am not attracted to his female persona. I love him as a man and love him when he is CDed because he is my husband. I will play along to a point. It took me five years to get to this phase.

Your wife may get over this pretty quickly if you don’t over react.

Thank you.

The thing is, I don't have a female persona, I behave exactly the same way, merely wearing women's clothes.

I do think the clothes in our master closet bother her, as she said there's less room, and we have a huge master closet. I'm not expecting a reaction out of her, just wondering if there will be one. I don't think there will be.

More than anything, she was encouraging, then very discouraging. I may be reading too much into this, so I'm going to let it sit and do nothing for the next few months, or however long it is. Plus, we'll have a discussion at some point.

wendy

02-22-2018, 07:41 AM

Your situation is kinda like mine; my wife is supportive and is ok with my CDing, but one day while I was Wendy, I tried to kiss her and she said "no, i'm not that type of girl".

I have not tried it since.

Karen RHT

02-22-2018, 09:24 AM

Many years ago, the thought of me wearing a skirt or a dress and in full makeup was repulsive and unaccepted by my wife. Over the years she has come to realize that no matter how I dress, I'm the same person inside those clothes. She's fine with me dressing as I please inside our home, and gives me hello or goodbye kisses no matter what I'm wearing. Snuggling or passionate kisses however, are not welcomed.

Karen

jazmine

02-22-2018, 11:14 AM

I think it's all about moderation. My wife and I are total opposites. Yet we get along great and love spending time together. She generously gives me my space to do my "thang", but I'm sure she would be displeased with a snap, turned-off remark if I was too often either in my studio writing music, in my arcade playing games, in my garage restoring my 70 Challenger, in the basement workshop building a guitar or in the stereo room listing to Van Halen. I know that our crossdressing is not "a hobby" to many people here, but I think it's just about the common courtesy we give to a significant other when it comes to things they also like to do, share-in, or see. Although I like my favorite things of guy clothes which are ripped up and stained from all my work endeavors, she also would appreciate not seeing me in that a bit too often as well. I don't know. We do go out and enjoy a lot of things together, and a lot of times we dress in what the other really likes. I in my tux or suit and she's decked out in one of her killer dresses and definitely stockings or pantyhose(which she HATES.) Lol. I don't know. I may be completely off base comparing apples & oranges here. Trust me, I still get the, "Jeez, I haven't seen my husband in awhile" remark. At which point I go into "Balance" mode. No pun intended.

char GG

02-22-2018, 05:18 PM

Yes, you wear female clothes and it’s really just clothes. However, you are presenting as a female, which is my idea of a female persona. It may feel different to you. Ask your wife how it feels to her. It’s really her call if she feels like “it’s just clothes”. If that were truly the case, she probably wouldn’t be accepting sometimes and not so much at other times.

Karen RHT

02-23-2018, 02:07 PM

You make a good point Char, and there's no doubt my wife would prefer I not crossdress at all. To her credit, she recognizes that it's something I enjoy doing, that I'm not reckless or careless about it, and that when it comes right down to brass tacks, she's never been truly hurt by it. Yes...she been upset, disappointed, emotional, and angry. Yes...she struggles with her "feelings" at times. She now recognizes that her "feelings" were the result of conditioning, misinformation, prejudice, and normal societal taboos. For her own reasons, (she doesn't discuss easily) my wife now chooses to challenge and shed those initial thoughts, feelings, and fears. It isn't easy for her, but she's working on it.

Karen

KelleyB

02-25-2018, 04:04 AM

Good news on all fronts!

Tonight, she asked why I wasn't wearing my slips (for lounging around after work), and I said, ""you said I don't look like me", and it obviously bothers you."

Well, it bothers her only when we're amorous because it's like I'm wearing a mask, and it's not "me". We discussed it more, and now I understand where she is on this topic. I can work with/around it, no problem.

She stated her issues poorly, I took it incorrectly, and everything's been cleared up...mostly. She cannot express why it bothers her, it just does, me being dressed and wanting to be romantically-involved, but I understand she is bothered, and will approach things very, very differently in the future.

Yay, all is better!

Alice B

02-25-2018, 02:02 PM

I fully hear you and it sucks. I have posted many times about how accepting my wife is, but the other night she threw me for a loop. We were in bed and I had a bra and forms on under my night gown. Nothing unusual as I have done this many times. I wanted to cuddle, again not unusual but she daid no.That she does not want to when I am wearing "my boobs". That she is not with her man. This has really thrown me off. At breakfast I was sill wearing my bra and forms and nothing was said. Not sure whant to do.

KelleyB

02-25-2018, 09:36 PM

I hope this isn't a dupe, but I've been having Internet woes the past two days.

I changed when I got home, and my wife said, "I really like that blouse..."

<happy dance>

She also said I could tie the extended collar drop-down things in a bow at my cleavage...or just do a sash.

She did quiz me on the new skirt, though, and I said, "yes, I replaced one which didn't fit". Then she suggested I keep them and lose weight.

I'm working on the weight thing. Down 10 lbs. this month, alone.

Asew

02-26-2018, 12:14 PM

Awesome to hear that communication between you two helped clear the air. And congrats on the weight loss. Keep it up! :)

t-girlxsophie

02-26-2018, 12:26 PM

My wife has been fully supportive of my dressing from the beginning,even en femme we kiss and cuddle even passionately,but in the bedroom it's strictly a guy and girl thing,I'm absolutely fine with this as it was agreed by us both,and I know its nothing to do with her being approving or not its just part of our relationship that Sophie isn't involved in.Thats why discussing with your partner everything regarding your dressing avoids any confusion or issues down the line

AmberLeigh

02-26-2018, 12:31 PM

I recently came out to my wife about my crossdressing and she was fine with it. I don't feel comfortable or a need to wear clothes or bras when we are together. That's just me. I did hang my blouses and dresses in my closet that were crushed up in my gun safe and hidden from her before I told her. Luckily we have separate closets so she won't have those items staring her in the face when she opens her closet.
Other than showing her some of my pictures from the days I dress up when she's at work, I don't ask her to shop for me or help with anything. I think she would help but it's my issue I guess.
The only stipulations I was given were to not wear her clothes and stretch them out or spend too much money shopping for clothes.
My suggestion is to take things slow and let her ease into this new environment.

Eva Bella

02-26-2018, 12:48 PM

Glad that things are working out Kellie! Sounds like you two are in a good place.

Think of it from their side. Many of us would be comfortable with a wife or a GF who crossdressed as a man. She could put on a 3-piece suit, wear a fake moustache and some kind of arm muscle forms, and head town to the sports bar with an assumed male name and her other FTM crossdressing bros. We'd of course support her in doing that, but we might not want to be intimate with her while she's in "guy mode." Doesn't mean a lack of acceptance.

Also.. it's kind of funny that really no women anywhere ever are interested in doing this, haha.

Patricia_Campi

02-27-2018, 02:14 PM

Hello Kelley,

I am in the same boat. At first she thought it was fun, helped me with makeup, etc.

But after sometime, it was not fun anymore and she said exactly the same thing. I know I can not hold Patricia for too long and there will come a time where we will have "the" conversation.

Give her time to get used to it.

Cheers,

Patricia

Donna St. Marten

02-27-2018, 05:00 PM

All too often we interpret tolerance for acceptance and mistakenly push the envelope. Then tolerance turns into intolerance.

Tina_gm

02-27-2018, 07:49 PM

Kellyb, if I may. To your wife you are not the same man. Maybe still a man, but not the same man. Adding dressing and or other feminine stuff is a change and a big one to her most likely. For you and anyone else our wives will always see and feel a bigger change than we will.

Heterosexuality is what it is. For anyone who has zero interests in men, what does the thought of intimacy with one do for You? At the least maybe just nothing, but also likely a turn off
You certainly won't be feeling any sexual attraction. So, when we are looking, playing the part, or being the woman we are inside, our gg s/o will have pretty much the same reaction. None of us should take it personally that they want no part of intimacy with us in female mode.

KelleyB

02-27-2018, 08:13 PM

Very, very well stated.

And you are 100% correct, I can see how it turns her off.

Kiwi Primrose

02-27-2018, 08:38 PM

I don't know how old you or your wife are but there is a little bit of menopause in her change/s of attitude. I had experience of this (many years ago) and it was a surprise to find nothing suited my wife. Yes could become no in a flash. All you can do if this is the case is be as kind and understanding as possible. In my case Primrose went "underground" for a while whenever things got too tense and normal returned after a few years.

marlacd

02-28-2018, 12:03 AM

Just about every post says the same thing. Tolerance, that turns on a dime. Once that genie is out of the bottle, there's no way she will be able to "Unsee" you as the man you once were.

Bet most (Or all) of you have seen your S/O deal with an issue without batting an eye one week, only to see her fly apart over the same issue the very next week. Makes you wonder why you ever married her to begin with.

For those who chose to "fess up" to your dressing to their wives, that's the unwanted doorprize you got with that confession. You put yourself in a position that gave her the right to tell you what you may or may not do. Me, I'm out of mine, and I'm not putting myself back into that position again.