Wife of CD looking for opinions i guess

[Seekingclarity]

So my husband told me about his desire to CD a few months ago. We decided to dress together and I helped him with his make up and stuff. It isn't anything I ever thought I would enjoy but i did with him. He was very attentive and we made love and kissed and played all night. Now fast forward to only our second time dressing together and it's a completely different story. It started out good. I helped with his make up.he had bought some of his own clothes and such but the more he got,into it the less he wanted anything to do with me. It felt like he didn't even want me in the room. Other thing that happens made me feel like he does want to be with a man instead. I'm afraid 20 years down the road, once he realizes the depth of his desires, he's going to tell me he's gay and in love with someone else and I'll be,left with nothing. We are new to doing this together and he doesn't talk to me about what he likes or what's so I can learn more.it makes me feel very self conscious. I told him if we are going to do this together that he needs to open up to me more and talk to me and that He's not the only one that is vunerable. On one hand I'm glad he shared it with me. After our last experience together it left me feeling sad and alone and he doesn't seem to care.

[JenniferR771]

Not sure I can help--but after ten minutes, Thanks for posting. You are a rare and valuable gem. He is so lucky to have a woman who is at least somewhat cooperative. He is being so self-centered.

It is not likely he is gay or will leave you for a man.
Crossdressers are intensely interested in the idea of appearing as a woman. It is an intense emotional experience.
Insist that he reciprocates and does something nice for you. He needs to talk. Its a partnership.

[Lana Mae]

Communication is the key to any relationship! Most men who crossdress are heterosexual and not gay! You have to find a way to get him to open up to you and make this a shared experience! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[jennifer0918]

I want to applaud you sweetie your a very good wife and your husband should appreciate you more he is so lucky to have you. This is a tough one and only time will tell. Just a tought try to reverse the roles next time you be the aggressive one . I know for myself I can never be with another guy,I love everything femme so much and consider myself a lesbian. You have done plenty the ball is in his court let's see what plays out he should be more open to you.
Good luck
Your wonderful darling more wives should be like you.
XOXOX

[Jaylyn]

I think every situation in dressing is different. My wife helped me learn makeup applications, even shared clothes of hers with me, and has bought Jaylyn presents. We also had some very hot times in the bed room with us both dressed. In my case she is the one that has lost interest in my dressing somewhat. I think that she just thought it was a kick that would go away but it hasn't. Another thing she is scared someone in our small town might find out and we would be ran out of town. Who knows but I have gone back to dressing on my own time when she s not around. Her moods have changed on many different things and sex is one of them and my dressing is high on the list as well.
I'm still a very manly man but I have a fondness for dressing. Here's what could be happening with your hubby. Sometimes I'm feeling I between manly and femme and I hide things behind her back as I feel less manly to her as I once did. I'm not leaning toward gay but have wondered about it if I was dressed. I feel guilty sometimes also about it. In my case it seems as we get older we are too cmfortable and any change can trigger a weird feeling inside. This is when I wait till my wife and I are having a great day together and then we talk deeply about feelings. We call it just laying out the facts of how we are feeling right then. It has helped some. Don't know if it will help in your case but it has worked in mine. Every marriage has its ups n downs.

[Kalisopwith]

You are a rare gem! I think most of us think we are going to have to keep this hidden so it may take more time for him to open up. You are doing the right things and just keep trying to communicate with him and telling him you are wanting to know what is going on his head!

[Tracii G]

Just because he likes to dress up doesn't mean he is or will turn gay.
Gender expression and sexual preference are not the same thing but most people don't understand that.
Him just coming out and telling you he likes to wear womens clothes is a HUGE thing because most guys would never admit it so that alone shows he trusts you.
He may be feeling self guilt for enjoying it but I agree you two need to talk.
He has entrusted you with a deep dark secret so give him time to accept himself first.
Welcome BTW its so nice that you came here.
Be aware when you ask for opinions you might get responses that you don't like but don't take them personally.There are so many different people on here with different opinions so be aware.

[Seekingclarity]

I know that most CDs are not gay. Its just after this last time I think he want to explore with a man. He hasnt,come,right out and said it but his behaviour and actions said it for him. I wouldn't be ok with that as I would consider it cheating but I'm scared he might do behind my back. I didn't mean any offense.

[Stephanie47]

I do concur with others who have indicated the vast majority of men who enjoy or need to wear women's clothing are straight. That may be difficult to believe for many women. Cross dressing flies in the face of all societal norms and expectations. You made the statement "Other thing that happens made me feel like he does want to be with a man instead." I do not know what else he did or wanted done. However, if he has fantasies and wanted to act them out in role play that may make it seem it is "more than just the clothes." Most cross dressers wanting to emulate a woman do want to appear like a woman to the most extent possible; breast enhancements, hip pads, wigs. That is more than just slipping into a dress and heels.

If you felt you were being excluded or ignored that may very well be. To have a wife who is openly engaged in her husband's cross dressing may create the "little kid let loose in the candy store." All the pend up anxiety and frustration of not being able to dress openly and freely may have sent your husband into a whirlwind of exploration. If that is the case, then he needs to be brought down to earth. I'm sure if you perused the threads on this site you have seen so many cross dressers just go overboard when they have some time to indulgence themselves in dressing.

You need to have him enter into a serious dialogue when something makes you uncomfortable. Many women will indulge their husband's cross dressing, but, keep it out of the bedroom. Inviting the cross dressing into the bedroom may have made your husband feel there were no boundaries. Like any other issue in a marriage a spouse needs to talk up if there is an issue. Playing like an ostrich or ignoring the elephant in the room never works in the long run, and, it makes corrective action in the future more difficult.

[Tracii G]

I know you didn't but maybe you are reading too much into his actions?
Thoughts can run wild and I understand why you worry about it.
Is possible he isn't sure himself what is going on and is as confused as you are about it all.
Its common for CD's to fantasize about being with a man as part of the whole "female experience" but 99% will never act on that fantasy.
I would consider it cheating too.
The only way to know how he feels about it is to ask him.

I agree with Stephanie47 on what she posted.

[Seekingclarity]

Yea Tracii, that might be exactly what it is. Thank you. You've been helpful

[Tracii G]

You are welcome Clarity.
Each person is different and there is no rule book on CDing so the possibilities are endless as are the reason why we do what we do.
No black and white scientific protocol on how to deal with it either so we are all on our own to find out what works best for us.

[Seekingclarity]

We did talk a little and he said it was too much too fast. So that does help.

[sherri]

Dear clarity, as this thread and many others make clear, crossdressing and an interest in gay sex do not automatically go hand in hand. Many CDers are unwavering heterosexuals dressed or not dressed, and a few even profess that their dressing isn't about sexuality at all. If your husband is one of those then you'll have to look elsewhere for explanations for the perceived disconnect.

On the other hand, for perhaps just as many CDers, dressing most definitely involves a sexual dynamic and moreover, it awakens a desire for a more complete feminine experience to the point of a rather intense desire to play a perhaps stereotypical female role leading up to and during sex. In this category, it is not at all uncommon to hear them comment that they're not interested in or attracted to men in the same way gays are, they just want to be desired as a feminine partner and experience sex the way a woman does with a man. This is a very important distinction.

If your husband falls into the latter category, may I suggest that the two of you might consider occasionally swapping gender roles in the lovemaking department. This might entail you becoming more aggressive or forceful in your interpersonal dynamic leading up to sex, and, with the assistance of proper equipment, acting out the masculine role during sex (I'm trying not to be too graphic here, but you probably get my drift). I don't know how you feel about such a scenario, and a certain amount of initial awkwardness for either or both of you wouldn't be surprising, but personally, I think the prospect could be a lot of fun and very fulfilling at least for your husband and maybe for you too. I'm not saying it would have to be that way all the time; in fact, imo your willingness to satisfy his need in such a way should inspire him to be more attentive to your needs, too. A little quid pro quo, in other words.

Only the two of you can figure out how to broach subjects like this, and he may be embarrassed to admit or act out his need to you, but however you go about this, you should make it abundantly clear that dishonesty and infidelity will not be tolerated. You are being loving and gracious enough to accommodate his needs, so the least he can do is treat you with respect and consideration. Pink fog is no rationalization or excuse for cheating.

[susan54]

There are no reasons to assume he is gay. Statistically, he probably isn't. And lots of us do not have fantasies about being with a man when we are dressed up. One possibility I could relate to is that he sees himself as very much male in your relationship and he has voluntarily surrendered part of this. It can be very difficult to do this and he possibly feels very awkward. Reassurance will help but he also has to see it from your point of view and accommodate YOUR feelings. It's only fair. Good luck.

[docrobbysherry]

Clarity, communication in a marriage is the key to it working. In my experience, when that stops, the intimacy soon stops. Then, instead of partners u become roommates. And, your "marriage" is over. Whether u stay together or not.

U need to get him to discuss this and every issue u 2 have. He may be reluctant to talk about it because he's not sure what he wants yet. If u won't talk with u, try to get in to see a counselor together. Many people can talk easier with a professional in the room. If he won't do that either? Sadly, your marriage may not work.:sad:

[Seekingclarity]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

[Kate Simmons]

Communication is indeed the key as it's mostly about feelings. It also helps for partners to be honest with one another in sharing those feelings. :battingeyelashes::)

[sherri]

I think the first thing I would try to find out is the root of his confusion or reticence about sex or about some other dynamic between the two of you. Maybe it's all of the above. I didn't start dressing until after my divorce but I've often thought about how difficult it would have been to be open about Sherri with my ex, to actually be Sherri around her. About the sex, one clue to what's going on might be to find out if he would like to be penetrated; if so, that's a pretty big indicator, imo -- sort of a tip of the iceberg kind of thing.

[JulesLynne]

Wow, you’re an amazingly supportive wife, so thank you for coming here and opening up to us. Although everyone here has slight differences, the average CD is heterosexual, self conscious about dressing, yet wants nothing more than to be accepted by his spouse. I hope he realizes how rare you are in accepting and helping him. Having said that, my suggestion is for your to openly voice your concerns back to him. It’s possible that his dressing extends into the sexual realm, but it’s also possible that he could be feeling guilty and embarrassed. Communication and time will reveal the truths.

[Asew]

It's awesome that you are here for advice. I think the biggest thing is communication, and I know when I came out I didn't want to be selfish and talk to my wife too much about it but if she wanted to talk about it it was easy to talk about it. So just talking will help learn more about his version of crossdressing.

[ChubbyLeahCD]

Clarity, I think that you are the wife that most of us would love to get!
If my wife fully embraced me and agreed to dress up and help me out and we played together, it would be a dream come true!
Maybe he froze because he didn’t expect such a positive reaction!
Keep being this awesome wife and I pray more women like you are out there, my wife included!

[Stephanie Kimberlie]

Very understanding. Need more people like you for support.

[Pat]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit?

Tough question with a guy. On the one hand, he might really not know, on the other he might be afraid that if he says what's in his heart he'll lose you. For political correctness reasons I hate to suggest alcohol but some form of social lubrication and conversation with the lights out or low to give him some feeling of cover might help. All I can say for sure is that it helped me when I was in his position. The other thing you can do to draw him out is to slip references into daily conversation -- get him to admit he likes someone's shoes at the mall, tell him a particular outfit might look good on him, etc. can get him comfortable speaking on the topic without being on the spot and then after a while, you can have The Conversation.

What questions to ask? Tougher still. The two first questions most trans folks get asked are "Are you gay?" and "Do you want to be a woman?" (in no particular order.) And while they're not bad questions, they're a little full-frontal. A less aggressive tack might be to ask what would make him happy? Does he want to go out with you presenting female? Would he like to get his ears pierced? Does he want to wear female underwear under his street clothes? At this point you control the conversation, so ask about things you'd be willing to deal with. You're both going to have to grow into this if it's going to work. Small steps for you both are probably best.

There are many couples who stay together through this. I'm not married, but my girlfriend and I have been together 17 years and she made the journey with me from closeted to out and presenting female 24/7. Good luck.

[jacques]

hello,
I (perhaps like many members of this group) find it harder to understand my cross-dressing than my wife does. I have spent decades thinking i was not normal, trying to hide from my need to cross dress, trying to hide it from others ... bottling it all up. Clarity - perhaps your husband has been doing the same and now all of a sudden needs to work it all out again. Give your new relationship time and I am sure that all will be well.
luv J

[tammy1]

i was in a similar situation with my wife of 30+ years. After retirement i found more time for and enjoyment of dressing. i am not gay. i don't want to have sex with a man. i love my wife and enjoy her companionship( most of the time - your married, so you know how it goes). recently i told my wife that i wanted to spend more time exploring the CD feminin side of me and wanted to dress more. throughout our time sharing our feelings we have evolved from nearly DADT to a much more open and flowing exchange of thought and dress. My wife had and still has many questions. At first, we were both a little more tight lipped about sharing feelings on my dress. i feared rejection; she feared rejection. And yes, i was asked "Are you Gay? Want to be Gay? Want to be with a man"? NO, No, No. Your husband might have similar worrries and concerns, as you oviously seem to. But you are ahead of the game. You are reaching out and trying to communicate and understand. I have to agree with Pat, some great thoughst there. Wishing you both the best and hoping you both find some answers here as we all share...

tammy

[Alisonforme]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

I have to agree that you're pretty amazing Clarity! It's curious to me that he won't talk...I have to hold myself back from blabbing like a schoolgirl whenever my wife is open to talking about it (which I'm happy to say is more, lately). You know you're man best, so is getting him to open up about other things hard? Do you have ways to pry him open, so to speak?

Otherwise, you could suggest counseling. Even a bad counselor can at least open up a conversation for the two of you. You could also maybe talk about his clothes, see if he wants to go shopping, what kind of makeup does he like and why.

Also, just because he CD's and likes certain things doesn't mean he's gay.

Good luck. He doesn't know how green his grass is!

Alison

[Rachael Leigh]

Seeking, yes he does need to be totally honest with you, he told you about this he should not shut you out now.
Defiantly tell him your feelings be as open and honest with him. Gender issues when your married can’t be a one way street
Boundaries must be set by both of you.
Hope this helps

[Seekingclarity]

After all your responses I've gotten, I think I am just over thinking things. Thank you all. I appreciate it

[mykell]

hi,
this is where you will find your peers : https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum

the three Cs.....communication, comfort, control,

you both have to continually communicate your needs,
you need to respect each others comfort zones,
you need to keep things under control....we as dressers sometimes wander into "the pink fog" after finding acceptance and may tend to get a little overly excited and over do things....

from time to time you may have to re-evaluate things, needs may change, wants may grow so keep that in mind also.

while hear keep in mind what is true of or for some is not what is true or for all. we as varied as a box of chocolate.

and lastly welcome to our little corner of the web.

its a comfortable place for us to learn and share about ourselves....

[HollyGreene]

He might just be feeling confused.
I fantasise about making love to my wife while dressed, but I'm sure if it happened, the next time I would somehow feel very self-conscious about it, or embarrassed, or think that she was agreeing to it but hating it, or that she was doing it for some other ulterior motive.
I've been a CD for many more years that we've been together and (apart from one previous girlfriend) it's always been a very private thing for me, so suddenly being able to dress as a woman with somebody who doesn't really understand it would be really weird for me. Maybe it's the same for him.

I can't pretend to give you any advice or a solution, I just know how I think I might feel if the same situation arose, so all I can do is try to express that so you might understand some of the things that could be going through his mind.
I've been a CD for a very long time and like so many on here, I am not effeminate, I am not gay, there is really no chance of me turning that way, and I have no desire to transition. It's very likely that he's the same.

[ShyLibrarian]

Your post is intelligent, articulate and sensitive. However, I have difficulty knowing why he would be so enthusiastic the first time around and then suddenly be emotionally absent the second time. As others here have said and will say, he is very lucky to have you. Many married CDs have to hide their CD actions and feelings and suffer emotions of shame and humiliation. Clearly that's not the case here. As others have said, most CDs are heterosexual. However, if (unfortunately, from your perspective), he is interested in some form of relationship with a man, momentary or otherwise, that might be evidence of bisexuality or bi curiosity, since clearly he has had a long intimate relationship with you.

i certainly wish I had something wise to say but there are likely others on this board who can conjure the apposite advice. Good luck and thanks for posting.

Carole

[Joyce Swindell]

Questions to ask doesn't have to be strictly about his female side. It's ok to ask about his male side as well. Ok...you like being a girl...do you like being a man? What do you like about either? What don't you like about either? These answers can provide some balance for you both.

I also feel that I would want my wife to be direct with the "gay action" questions like: Do you see yourself or think you might want to experience male interaction while dressed?

These are fair questions. But you must also be aware ...don't ask questions you don't want answers to.

[tbryant2k16]

You could also look at it as him bucking gender and social norms. It's really just society that's saying what you can and can't wear. There are many things that society once dictated what women couldn't wear that are now acceptable. Society of the time that said women can't wear pants. There were many types of clothing that were perfectly normal for men to wear like skirts, leggings, high heels for example. Horse back riding during war ended men wearing skirts. And the industrial revolution where men dominated mandated long pants for safety.

So today we assign arbitrary gender labels to clothing. This is the way I look at it now. Wear clothing that your comfortable with no matter the gender label assigned to it..

Society also likes to say what a real man or a real woman is based on social stereotypes.

[Aunt Kelly]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

In a word, counseling. No. You (neither one of you) are not broken or otherwise in need of fixing, but professional help will help you both unwind the complicated mix of emotional conflict that is virtually a given in every relationship like yours. You seem like a devoted and loving partner, so it's a good bet that you could work it out on your own, but my advice is to call in a pro. You'll get there much faster and with less pain along the way. Neither of you knows what this all means at this point. That's normal. So go find out, together. And enjoy the trip.

Hugs,


Kelly

[JulesLynne]

Here’s an idea that helped me express myself to my wife when I recently came out. I learned of this from my son’s counselor a few years ago in which the counselor suggested that my son and wife have a “mom only” book in which they can write notes/questions/etc. to each other in order to open up communication. Over the years, that notebook has turned into nightly “mom time” in which my son now feels comfortable telling my wife just about anything.

Along those lines and specific to crossdressing and communicating with my wife, I made both of us new gmail accounts that we could use specifically for this subject. I spent several weeks writing down my own journal in which I tried to give her an answer of “why” I do this. As I researched things online, I slowly gained more clarity and refined my thoughts. Eventually I was able to sit down with her and have a face to face discussion of all those topics, and that discussion really solidified our relationship and her support for me. We still have the gmail accounts and I send her occasional emails, but she typically responds personally.

Perhaps a journal or email account could serve as a mechanism to help you and your husband break the ice and start talking more openly? But first, take some time by yourself to try and clarify your concerns: are you concerned that he’s gay, are you worried that he’s not willing to emotionally open up with you, etc.

[Drew GB]

Let me just echo everyone else in saying how fantastic you are. My wife is very supportive as well but I still can’t even get her on here which makes me that much more envious of your man.

To start off with his not wanting you to be involved so much I think that is just him wanting to see if he can do it on his own. Yes we grow up really fast. Perhaps just reassure him that you know he can do it and let him do it and be supportive but if you find him ever getting frustrated then take that opportunity to get involved. Also let him know how much you really enjoy making him up and perhaps he will let you back into that part of the process.

From my personal experience of just coming to grips with my CD’ing and sexual desires I can tell you I still don’t know exactly what I want and even though I did talk with my wife it was a very hard subject to approach and liquid encouragement was most certainly involved. At first I thought I was at least Bi and would (with her permission and or involvement) like to try sex with a man. However after going out enfeem and being a girl amongst the guys I feel more and more like a lesbian in a mans body. I do still enjoy the idea of being the girl during our intimate time but I cannot imagine being with a man only a woman pleasing me as a man would.

This may be where your man/girl is and has yet to really figure it out. Until he/she has some more time and more experience with what truly works for him/her he/she truly has no idea. Yet...

Funny thought. If you want to talk with him about all this then have some fun with it. First ask him if he wants to have a girls night where you get dressed and play with make up gossip and drink wine. Note the wine very important here. Later on you two could even play a game of truth or dare where you can (after you and he are sufficiently relaxed) ask some of your more pressing questions. Be sure you can open up to him as well. I find the communication works best when it is give then take. Let him know you want to know without reprocussions but also let him know where your line is. And if their is an issue of him wanting more than you are willing to deal with try to find some sort of compromise. Don’t just slam the door on him. Having said that make it clear if he does cheat on you, you will make his dreams a realty and make him a woman permanently. ;)

[faltenrock]

I remember how it felt for me, when I dressed up and came to my wife in the bedroom. I felt very nervous and was extremely afraid of her reaction, not even having had make-up of a wig back then. I was afraid she could leave me for that reason or not be attracted to me anymore, that was a major concern for some time.

As new it is for you, consider that it is new for your husband too, give him some time to find the needed trust.

Regarding your thoughts about him being gay or attracted to men while dressed. Don't be afraid.
I'm not gay and love my wife and only women.
However, I enjoy when men come to me and tell me nice things, but that's all for me. It's more about acceptance than liking men.
This happens every time I'm out, some guy would approach me for obvious reasons, I just respond how women would do, be kind and say good bye at some point.

[Isabella Ross]

OP...the fact that you didn't run for the hills suggests you are an intelligent, sensitive, open-minded woman. As so many others on this thread have already suggested (I'm thinking in particular of Traci and Sherri), this is a complicated issue. First, your guy/girl is not gay. But bi, perhaps. This will muddy the waters, but I really like this post by Dr. Richard (Alice) Novic, a transgendered counsellor and author of the book, "Alice In Genderland". If you'd prefer not to read the entirety of what I've pasted below, then I'll offer this: Novic basically says, yes, we are largely interested in women, but we're not exactly straight either. And as always, I'd add this: what's really wrong with that? What human is truly completely 100 percent straight? Very few, I'd suggest. So...if you can accept these possibilities, and if your guy/girl does end up peeling off the layers and professing this, as I have done with my wife, but can still operate within the accepted fidelity boundaries of your relationship, what's the harm?

"Today’s first question is Am I gay? The short answer is No, you're not, but you’re not exactly straight either.

To me and to most gay men, being gay describes a specific thing. It ‘s more like saying “He’s Mexican,” rather than “He’s definitely not from around here.” As a crossdresser, you’re clearly not gay in the sense of wanting to be a man sexually with a man and all the stuff that so often comes with it, like a head-spinning appreciation for the male form, an Oscar-Wilde-like wit, and a passion for fashion and celebrities. Oh, sure you may be loving all the little nuances of ladies’ clothing, but that’s not the same thing. Just the simple fact you call yourself a crossdresser means that you’re not gay, for most people (and specifically me in part 1 of this series) define crossdresser as a primarily straight man who is profoundly satisfied to imagine himself as a woman. So, you’re fundamentally heterosexual on some level or sorely misusing the term crossdresser.

But, are you completely straight? Well, hey, to answer that question I first owe you a definition of the term straight. Completely straight, or completely heterosexual describes a man who is only interested in sex as a man with a woman. You, my dear reader, may—despite your crossdressing consider yourself such a man, only for that to change—if you’re lucky—as opportunities present themselves. What if you had the chance to make like lipstick lesbians with your wife, another beautiful woman, a breathtaking transsexual, or another nice-looking crossdresser? Or what about my favorite: getting to be a sweet, slender girl in the arms of some giant of a man?

I imagine a lot of hands going up out there—and a few liars. Or, I should more compassionately say, people trying not to think too much. After all, there are enough pills to swallow in everyday life, without having to take on the hypothetical ones. Nonetheless, people, we all know that any number of these scenarios sound pretty sizzling and they may not be man-on-man gay but certainly ain’t straight either, in the sense that non-TG men take no interest in these things. Believe me I know; I work with plenty.

The truth is that, if you’re a crossdresser or even a transsexual reading this article, you may not be gay but you’re not a wholly straight arrow either. Or look at it this way: You may not be chocolate, but you’re not pure vanilla either. You’re strawberry. You are, no doubt, a love-to-be-femme (started-out-straight, secondary, autogynophilic if you must) MTF transperson. Yes, that describes the (in my view) intersex condition we share, but it also seems to shape our sexuality, sexuality in the sense of the things that turn us on.

I admit that that’s an inconvenient truth and different from what you might hear from most folks in our community. But I’m a psychiatrist, after all, not a propagandist, no matter how righteous our cause may be. I’m who you go to when the comforting illusions have fallen flat. I am strawberry, and I’m okay with it and hope the same for you, if you suspect that deep down you’re a little fruity too."

[greeneyes]

You have came to the right place for some insight. As the wife of a CD myself I welcome you to the forum, I would agree with the others that have stated, more than likely he is not gay. if you would like you may PM me, I would be willing to discuss some of your concerns privately.

Greeneyes

[phili]

Clarity, your husband is so fortunate to be married to you- as a person who loves him and is not overly bound by the gender binary mythology.

A lot of great advice has been offered here, and, I want to add a couple of things that have been material to my journey and to compromising with my wife, who is completely non supportive, but whom I love and am committed to forever.

First- marriage is difficult in terms of keeping up with each other, and commitment demands a lot of attention and space and telling the truth- or at least, as many have said, today's truth- without assuming it will be tomorrow's truth as well. It is messy and tentative and takes a lot of high wire skill- which is where you are right now. Sometimes it is not a fair fight- logic and the appeal of love and common sense vs erupting feelings that blind us.

My argument is that everything he wants he can have with you. You can literally say that to him- that even if his world of gender is upside down, you are a couple, and you love each other, and the job is to help each other equally be all you can be, to be full and whole and trustworthy and a blessing to others. You may have to say- wait, if you think you have doubts about that, I want a chance to prove it.

He probably has a mass of conflicting and confusing impulses. He is seeking progress, resolution of long time deep feelings and desires that were mostly unconscious. He may feel that all he wants is to get out- to be free- to go be a girl and be the opposite of a man, and that you as a woman are going to stand in the way- to call on things from him as a man- even subtly, that maybe, as was said, he finds it hard to refuse, but then spoil his dive into femininity. I can tell you this is an emotional thing, not a logical thing- and you can't fight emotions, but you can accept them and think through the reality of it together and with a counselor.

After a year of letting myself explore, I was amazed at how much different I felt about a lot of things. Radical change in perspective once I was no longer fighting against restriction, or discovering all new feelings that hadn't come into perspective against every other aspect of my life, and owning my choices.

By way of example, I am bisexual, but also monogamous and committed. I had to choose, man or woman, and then the person- my wife. I found that I have a feminine sexuality, but it is completely satisfied by simple attention from my wife. Men are not better than women at being loving partners. All the romantic prince charming/hulk fantasies are just that- unrealistically narrow views of real life experiences.

You can talk about that knowledgeably, what a man looks like to a woman, as that is how one will look like to your husband once he let's himself be in that place. So you can also ask for a commitment of time- a year- to place whatever his needs are front and center, to explore everything about it, to prove one way or the other if it really is something that needs to divide you, rather than to be part of a blessing of your relationship.

Caution- you hinted at suddenly feeling like a nonentity, and there have been situations where CDs come out and suddenly the only person they want to look at is themselves in the mirror. They can become horribly selfish and demanding. To be fair, they are trying to recover a lifetime of what felt like deprivation, but that is not a license to drown cats.

This is very difficult, and the wild card is helping them get to the place where they actually see themselves in the mirror, not just their idealized fantasy. As with out of control teens, a delicate balance of generous observing and firm boundaries is in order, with shepherding back to being in control of their ship and having a realistic goal and plan. Being a wise friend, not angry parent.

[ClosetED]

Clarity - welcome to the Forum and thank you for loving your spouse to learn and understand. There are other spouses here on the GG Forum like greeneyes who faced similar situations. You may have to reach 10 posts to get in as well as be invited. You hope to learn more about his needs and desires and he may not know himself, as to what is fantasy and what is truly needed. There are fewer homosexuals among CDers than the general population. For transsexuals (those who feel they are women), they don't consider wanting a man to have sex with them as homosexual. My guess, without knowing the specific things that made you wonder, is that there is a desire to have a man appreciate your spouse's femininity, but not to have sex.
With only 2 dressing sessions in months, you don't seem enthusiastic (from the CDer's point of view) and that might be why he withdrew. To draw him out, open communication is key. But remember, he hide this away for most of his life and he is afraid you will be disgusted and leave him. Yet this can become the bond that draws both of you together so much stronger.
Another thing that may help is if he joins the Forum and uses us to help sort out his thoughts. For my wife, I wrote down physical and mental characteristics of both male me and Ellen. This helped her see my internal perspective. She tried to accept my CDing, and has seen my pictures, but it is still too much for her. And that may be your spouses fears.
Hugs, Ellen

[CONSUELO]

I forgot to mention that I saw your short post saying that perhaps you have been over thinking things.
I don't think so. Keep the conversation going with him.
By the way does he know you have posted here and has he seen the responses?

[Seekingclarity]

thank you all so much he does not know I posted on here. We did have a conversation where he felt as well we move to fast which I agree with. I think I was letting my own insecurities Cloud are experience together. Communication is definitely important and something we need to work on together. the reason for the in frequency of dressing together is our schedules don't match up and we don't see each other much and I'll leave that up to him when he shows interest. he had just bought some new clothes and a wig so he was excited to try them. From what he has told me at this point he only cares to get dressed up every once in awhile. He may do it while I'm away and that's totally okay I think with our last experience things did move too fast and cause other issues. He has stated he has no desire to experiment with a man its more of the attention thing which I understand a little better after everyone else's responses to me.

[Beverley Sims]

My feeling is don't move until he moves, let him take the lead and then follow.

You will find that he only wants to dress occasionally for now and will increase with time.

Your situation is what we advise the subject when dealing with his wife, go slow and let him take the lead.

Above all respond appropriately.

[TheHiddenMe]

First of all, I have to ask, are you an Indigo Girls fan, given your screen name? (FYI, Seeking Clarity is a line from their fabulous song, "Closer to Fine").

We can all give you answers, but all of us are different, and so what we say and what your partner really wants may differ.

My wife has known about my CD interest for over 15 years and I am still not fully comfortable discussing issues with her (she is somewhat open minded, but scared of someone finding out about my CDing and the possible negative consequences for her).

Besides, most guys aren't real good talking about their feelings, be he a CD or not.

The stats suggest most CDs are straight, but obviously a non-zero percentage are bi or gay (just as in the non-CD male population). I'm straight, but I can think that it might be fun/memorable to go out with a man on a date, to have that sensation.

Perhaps a way to get around the communication issue is text or email; it might be easier for him to open up.

As to not paying attention to you during your second session, he may have been feeling overwhelmed by the sensation. I've been wanting to dress for 50 years, so now that I have a greater opportunity, it's 50 years of suppressed desire coming out. Perhaps that happened to him, and it has very little to do with you.

Sounds like you are very supportive, which is something we all wish for in a partner.

Good luck!

[CONSUELO]

Clarity,

An earlier attempt at replying to your post was lost so I shall repeat what I said in it.
There is a narcissistic component to cross dressing. I have it and I have read the work of many psychologists who have studied cross dressing and they mention it too.
As others have mentioned in their replies to your post, your husband may still be wracked with feelings of guilt and embarrassment and that could interfere with communication.
A simple and relatively inexpensive way of trying to open up the conversation would be for you to read some of the many books on cross dressing, some written by the partners of cross dressers. An example is a book entitled "My Husband Betty". Go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble online and just type in cross dressing and you will see many titles. Just buy a few but tell your husband that it is part of your learning more about cross dressing and that when you have read the books you would like him to read them too and then discuss. As a help you could annotate the books with your thoughts as you read so he could see something of your reaction.

A goal would be to get the conversation going in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way. You could also go and find a good and experienced counsellor but you say your schedules don't match well and finding the time to do that could be difficult. Also finding a good one is not so simple.

My best wishes to you both and you have my admiration for being so open-minded and level-headed about this.

[ginapoodle]

Seeker,

My two cents worth: your husband was brave to share. Respect that honesty. Yet, he may have much residual shame, confusion and mixed desires. Remember you can only change yourself-- your own emotions are valid and authentic. If possible, be patient and also initiate honest discussion. CD married relationships are complex in my opinion, and a terrific challenge to all parties. For myself, I have been in your husbands shoes. My wife's first reaction was fairly supportive, but drifted to mixed ignoring and in the past year, despite my attempts to open dialog: frozen out of any discussion. Best of luck. Remember to be kind to yourself, and others.

[Helen_Highwater]

He might just be feeling confused.
I fantasise about making love to my wife while dressed, but I'm sure if it happened, the next time I would somehow feel very self-conscious about it, or embarrassed

Can I add my pen'uth to this thread. I'll start by saying that I've no experience of being in the same situation as you describe so I'm writing from the position your SO was in, namely being in the closet. I've thought about how I would feel if I found myself in the position of revealing my femme self to my SO. Scared rigid, confused, uncertain, worried everything was about to collapse around me are the conclusions I've come to. So Holly's post I feel is right on the money. Euphoria has been overtaken by a tidal wave of self doubt and self consciousness.

Think about it from the other side. When I go out while I'm still the same me, I present myself in a different, more feminine way. After all, that's what we're looking to emulate. Some we come into contact with will assume that because of that we're gay. Not true, their mistake. So how should your SO present herself to you? As a man in a frock? Same voice, same mannerisms or as a feminised version of the person you know. Will she be thinking if I do that you'll be thinking Gay.

Add to the mix that society while moving in the right direction still hasn't fully come to terms with gender diversity and jokes, innuendo, ridicule are still to be found in the vocabulary of a section of the community. It's almost impossible to shake off the awareness of that. Look at just how many posts there are here from those who would love to venture out into the world but fear the rope carrying mob.

So it's easier for her to withdraw to what feels like a safer distance. Take it slow, as others have said talk is your friend. Baby steps will begin to move you both into a better position and once your SO begins to feel more comfortable being "her" in your presence and in truth you both know what to expect by way of behaviors, then you should reach a new normality and you can continue to develop the relationship.

[Amy Lynn3]

I think the actions of your husband just indicates he wants you to play more of the guy role in love making, while he is dressed. Many straight guys who dress have that desire and you get the impression he wants a guy, but in reality he just wants you. Turn the roles on him and talk/say some of the things that have been said to you as a woman. Worth a try. Cders are complicated creatures, but I think we all dream about switching roles at times with our wife.:2c: