Out of the closet–a bit…

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It’s the question I’ve been both anticipating and dreading for a long time.

I had my weekly Pilates workout this morning, where I usually banter with my instructor, C., during the session. We’ve talked about a lot things—her frequently changing nail color, her psycho puppy—and last fall she saw photos of my “Halloween costume.” More recently she was a bit amused when I got my toenails painted during a pedicure, but said I if wanted to paint my nails I shouldn’t worry about what other people thought about it. Today, I was wearing gym pants instead of the usual loose-fitting tights, and during some of the exercises the pant legs slid down exposing my legs with a bit of razor stubble.

So when I mentioned that I’d gone out to a drag show with a friend last weekend, I guess C. put two and two together. “I bet you like to do drag pretty regularly,” she said.

Gulp. Pause.

There are others who know “the real me” and know that I’m crossdresser—store clerks who seen my male name on the credit card, a few people I’ve met through crossdressing circles. But C. would be the first person from my “ordinary” life to know.

“Yes, yes I do,” I said, trying my best to sound nonchalant about it. “Except that I’m not really a drag queen, I’m what’s called a crossdresser.” From there it was the expected questions—what was the difference between the two, what was my sexual orientation, did my family know, and of course: why? I told her that we crossdressers had spent a lot of time trying to figure that out ourselves and that no one was sure, but gave her a quick summary of my thoughts about it.

I mentioned how the vast majority of us cower in the closet and C.’s reaction was “What are they afraid of, why shouldn’t they be themselves?” It turns out C. once worked with a butch lesbian who transitioned. We talked about why female-to-male crossdressers are pretty rare, and how crossdressing relates to the (unfortunately) still unequal social status between men and women.

The session ended with C. saying she wanted to talk more about it next time and also that she wanted to see more of my photos. (Yes, C. does know the way to a crossdressers’s heart.)

All-in-all, it was weirdly anti-climatic. Mainly I was just thinking how nice it was to no longer need to compartmentalize my life when talking to C. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see what our next talk is like.

[jill_4]

;) Hi Marlena,
So the closet door is open a bit,seems to me as if it's been thrown
away.Best Wishes Jill ;) ;)

[Holly]

Marlena, we must be on the same wave length tonight. I just finished writing a piece on coming out to another friend (that's four, now, plus wife, son, and daughter). Yes, it can be a fearful experience, at least in our minds. My experience is that, more often than not, the reality rarely is as tramatic as the expectation. I think that's a good thing. I'm happy that you have found someone within the mainstream with whom you feel comfortable opening up to. As you, I will be interested in seeing how the next conversation goes.

[barbie lanai]

When I retired and moved to Sonora, had to get a new doctor. And since I was shaving my body hair, decided to tell him I crossdressed. No problem as far as he was concerned. It removed a worry I had, about someday having him find nail polish on my toes or something.

Of course it's always the nurse who comes in and has to stick on EKG probes or some other thing-a-bob and finds me hairless.

[Sarah Rabbit]

I felt relief when I told my S.O., but to my surprise, I was ecstatic:D when I finally told my family. Go figure that.

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Sophia Rearen]

Hmmm, Is romance in the air?

[TGMarla]

it's very cool and somehow comforting to run into a person in our everyday lives who's enlightened enough to not let such a thing bother them.

[Ms. Donna]

All-in-all, it was weirdly anti-climatic. Mainly I was just thinking how nice it was to no longer need to compartmentalize my life when talking to C. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see what our next talk is like.

I've found the same thing. The people I've actually 'come out' to have ultimatelty seen it as a big 'so what' - and that's what it should be.

Congrats! Sounds like the two of you will become better friends than you were already!

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Yes I am]

This is very very cool, congratulations on making a new friend!

[CaptLex]

It’s the question I’ve been both anticipating and dreading for a long time.

Congrats, Marlena:

It's such a relief when you work up the courage to pry that closet door open and are rewarded with a bit of fresh air . . . may it always be so. :cool:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Thanks all.


Hmmm, Is romance in the air?

Nope, it's strictly a professional relationship. Plus, she's married. But it's possible a friendship might develop.


It's such a relief when you work up the courage to pry that closet door open and are rewarded with a bit of fresh air . . . may it always be so. :cool:

Actually, it would've been a lot harder if I had to start "the conversation." Which is why I think I've been unconsciously doing things over the last few months to force the issue. (I've talked with Helen Boyd about this and she says she's seen it happen a bit.) Things like:

- Leaving the house en femme. It's only a short distance to the car and I do wait until the street's quiet, but it's entirely possible I've been seen.

- Showing my "Halloween costume" photo to people I know. Which was very intentional as a safe(r) way to gauge people's reactions, plus I do eventually come out to them, the image they'll have in their minds isn't me in a bad wig and worse make-up.

- Being upfront about being a CD when I've interacted with people while I was out.

So I'd given it a lot of thought and was already at the point of "I'm not going to advertise it, but if someone asks, I won't deny it." (And I'd also vowed that if I got serious in a relationship, I'd disclose it.)

In fact I'd done sort of a dress rehearsal last Saturday night at the bar where the drag show was. Both bartenders do drag every once in a while and one of them was showing my friend his pictures. So I took the opportunity to say, that while I wasn't a DQ, I was a CD and showed him a photo that's on my cell. It was a "safe" way of practicing, since 1) the bartenders weren't going to make a big deal of my CDing, 2) they might have know my face, but they didn't know my name, and 3) the bar is up in SF so I wasn't like I was going to run into them on the street.

Anyway, like I said, it'll be interesting to see what happens next week.

[Laurie Ann]

Marlena now that light is coming into the closet maybe the crack will widen. Congratulations to you.

[Karren H]

Lucky Girl!!

Love Karren

[Shannon]

Hi Marlena -- it has been a long time since I've posted to you (I've been away for a while). I'm so happy for you. I came out to my g/f before Christmas, and I've found myself doing similar things, not being shy about opening up when others raise the question. I think it gets back to the "comfortable and confident" frame of mind (as opposed to the "Passing") that we've talked about before. With comfort and confidence comes a greater willingness to be open?

[uknowhoo]

Thanks for the warm-fuzzy, Marlena. ;)

I'm really happy for you.

Keep us posted.

Hugs,

Tammi

[Joni Thomas]

That is a wonderful encounter. We all need friends who understand our being! Romance and sex are not what we are about. Understanding and tolerence lead the way to a better life. I wish you the best and hope you have fun with you new found friend!

[Raychel]

It sound like your workout was kinda fun. A story like that almost makes me want to start the workout routine. I'll bet you can't wait until next time.

[windycissy]

Wow, this is huge! Congratulations on taking the plunge, you obviously chose well in terms of the person you confided in. Maybe one day you'll go to your workout in a leotard, tights and leg warmers to show her Marlena! Cissy

[kathy gg]

Hey Marlena thanks for sharing. I could sense the nervousness from that post...but so glad the end result was good. :thumbsup:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Maybe one day you'll go to your workout in a leotard, tights and leg warmers

Actually these are terribly passe. All the women seem to wear yoga pants these days. I'm actually probably the only who wears tights (I found some running tights that aren't skin-tights) -- mainly because I don't like the pant legs sliding up my legs when I do some of the exercises.

OTOH, C. had been trying to talk me into getting a pair of yoga pants...although they were men's pants.

[Clare]

Now why didn't that work for me?

Years ago I was an aerobics fanatic, even qualified as an instructor. I used to wear womens lycra bike shorts and tight fitting sports singlets to classes. I know some of the girls used to talk about me (since I was the only guy regulary attending each areobics session).

I was 'tucked in' all neat and had a shaved body and legs, so it was obvious I wasn't the normal macho type guy, which makes me wonder why wasnt I quizzed like you? Maybe I should have had painted nails and wore some lipstick?

Anyways, glad to hear that it was a comfortable 'coming out' for you and that all is working out with her. Damn, i'm jealous of you!

[Rachel Morley]

I can't believe I missed this thread....that's great news Marlena! I'm very happy for you.

Marla told her sister about me fairly recently and I was a little bit worried about what she might think, but she was totally cool about it. I've even spoken to her several times on the phone since and (I think) she's been even more friendly toward me than she normally is. Huh....who'd of thought it. ;)

So anyway, thanks for sharing this... it's a wonderful feeling to be accepted isn't it? :)