Accepting yourself as a CD'er

[Megan G]

Hello all,

I am sure I am not the first CD'er to feel this way but when I get the chance to dress at first I am excited, I can hardly wait to put on the stockings, skirt and get all dolled up and once I am fully dressed I feel so good! Almost like this is the way I am suppost to be but that feeling does not last......

Sometimes it will last an hour to hours but I have actually had it diminish within 15 mins before I feel guilty and then undress and go back to my guy clothes. For some reason a light goes off in my head that tells me, I am a guy..... why am I wearing a skirt?!? and then I quickly undress.

But then when I am dressed as a guy I will admire women in skirts and dresses and wish that could be me and all I want to do is rush home and dress (when my wife is not home).

I would love to tell my wife about my CD'ing but I need to come to terms with it first. I guess the question is for those of you that have felt this way how did you over come it?

Trisha

[trannie T]

When I first started dressing I would become very aroused as I put on panties or a bra but quickly felt guilty an ashamed and would soon take them off. Slowly I got used to wearing women's clothing and accepted my desires to crossdress. I think things like this forum help us to acept ourselves for what we are.

[Sarah Rabbit]

As I have previously posted ( I think !!) I have never been ashamed of my CDing. In short, at first I new about it. Then I accepted it, Now I embrace it and love who I am. Once you accept that it is something you are born to and learn to love yourself then the shame will disappear. The girls on this forum are great for support and advice. Do not be afraid to ask for help


Hugs, Sarah R. :bunny:

[Jasmine Ellis]

At first may be. But as I got older dressing up become part of me, but it wasn't until my name, Jasmine, poped into my head, that; I was dressing up all the time, like I'm doing now. I dress every day now, not like years ago for two or three days aweek.

[Emma Brownings]

I would love to tell my wife about my CD'ing but I need to come to terms with it first. I guess the question is for those of you that have felt this way how did you over come it?
Trisha

Hi Trisha,

No sure whether this will help, but I have gone through all the shame and feelings of guilt that you experience. I told my wife very soon after we married (34 years ago) and luckily she has been very supportive ever since. While that has not stopped the negative feelings completely, the fact that the person I love is OK with my femme side has made a huge difference to my acceptance of myself.

[Penny]

Hello all,

I am sure I am not the first CD'er to feel this way but when I get the chance to dress at first I am excited, I can hardly wait to put on the stockings, skirt and get all dolled up and once I am fully dressed I feel so good! Almost like this is the way I am suppost to be but that feeling does not last......

Sometimes it will last an hour to hours but I have actually had it diminish within 15 mins before I feel guilty and then undress and go back to my guy clothes. For some reason a light goes off in my head that tells me, I am a guy..... why am I wearing a skirt?!? and then I quickly undress.

But then when I am dressed as a guy I will admire women in skirts and dresses and wish that could be me and all I want to do is rush home and dress (when my wife is not home).

I would love to tell my wife about my CD'ing but I need to come to terms with it first. I guess the question is for those of you that have felt this way how did you over come it?

Trisha
If I could tell as story years ago, it would read just like yours. The problem
is was being uncomfortable with both male and female roles. The male role
in which you are suppose to act and think in a certain way and the female
role in that being how you feel. The answer for me was to be comfortable
in both roles. By comming out and sharing, it was possible to express my
female side and this made my male side much more at ease with it. Right
now, you don't have enough opportunites to express yourself for a sufficient
amount of time so that you can get comfortable with you. Your feelings of
guilt should not be. You actually were born with a great gift, you are rare
like most of us but that does not make anything bad.

[Danielle]

Hello all,

I am sure I am not the first CD'er to feel this way but when I get the chance to dress at first I am excited, I can hardly wait to put on the stockings, skirt and get all dolled up and once I am fully dressed I feel so good! Almost like this is the way I am suppost to be but that feeling does not last......

Sometimes it will last an hour to hours but I have actually had it diminish within 15 mins before I feel guilty and then undress and go back to my guy clothes. For some reason a light goes off in my head that tells me, I am a guy..... why am I wearing a skirt?!? and then I quickly undress.

But then when I am dressed as a guy I will admire women in skirts and dresses and wish that could be me and all I want to do is rush home and dress (when my wife is not home).

I would love to tell my wife about my CD'ing but I need to come to terms with it first. I guess the question is for those of you that have felt this way how did you over come it?

Trisha
Everything you said is exactly what happens to me, at times I see my women's collection sitting there and I feel like I need to get rid of it but then again when I see a female wearing some pumps or nylons their it goes again "the urge"and I rush home to put on my mini skirt and high heels and I again feel guilty that should'nt all over again.Now I see the pattern and I just ride it out.;) Pm anytime girl take care!!

[TGMarla]

In a way, you've answered your own question. There are times when I don't feel like dressing. But the urges to do so always come back. Even when I don't feel like it, I know it's coming back. It always does. It's inevitable. Since I know that no matter how long I go without it, these feelings aren't going away. They live here. I'm really not interested in stopping, either. Combine these facts, and there are only two roads to follow: either I can run around in conflict with myself, knowing it's a battle I won't win, or I can accept the fact that I'm a crossdresser.

The sexual orientation and gender questions need to be answered as well. My answers are: I'm not gay, I'm straight. And I am a man; I do not wish a sex change. Had I been born female, that would have been fine, but I don't wish for surgery to change myself into one. I'm good where I'm at.

Now I have the foundation for self-acceptance. I accept that I love to wear women's clothing, I'm not gay, and I'm not transexual. There. That's not so hard, is it?

[Alexandria]

I have difficulty sometimes, a lot of us do.

Recently I talked to a close GG friend of mine about my enjoyment of crossdressing. I've been out of the closet for a few weeks now, but most of my friends have known for about a year. My GG friend knows I enjoy dressing up, but when I told her I enjoy doing this daily she was shocked and believed I was going overboard with all this.

"Why now? Why suddenly do you enjoy this?" She asked.

I tried telling her that it was something of a "hobby" (I didn't want to say I enjoyed it sexually). She felt that as a hobby it was very strange and that I should stop buying female clothes.

I felt isolated. I felt like ripping up all my clothes and starting my life over. I wanted to admit that this was all just a silly hobby.

But it's not, I find pleasure dressing in my outfits. I enjoy taking pictures and wearing my nice female clothes while reading a book in bed. It's a sad feeling but something I need to accept and get accustomed to.

[Gemma Rhodes]

Hi Trisha,

I used to feel exactly the same when I was dressing previously in the late 80's and early 90's especially before my then partner found out. Now over 10 years later I am single, live alone and have no restrictions to when I dress and I can spend all day or longer dressed fem without any feelings of guilt. I have even spent 3 full days totally fem over a bank holiday weekend and I am now never ready to go back to drab but I always have something to look forward to now. I too love looking at nicely dressed RGs and wish I could dress like them all the time but maybe if you were single like me you would not feel so guilty about dressing.

Gemma xx

[Barb Valentine]

Your not alone thats for sure
I fell the same way

[Cathy Anderson]

something I need to accept and get accustomed to.
Alexandria--I invite you to reconsider that attitude. It confuses an urge (feeling) with a network of personal beliefs (conjectures) about the origin and meaning of the belief.

You *know* the urge and the feelings exist. You do not *know* any of the beliefs surrounding it are correct. Because of something called cognitive dissonance, people have a tendency to adjust their beliefs to be in accord with their urges. Very often this means distorting existing beliefs or acquiring new ones that are not correct--either partly or entirely.

This happens at both the personal and collective level. There are many popular myths among CDers. Among these are:

1. This is just the way I am and the way I'm supposed to be.
2. This is perfectly natural, there is not even the slightest trace of anything wrong with it.
3. Society and other people are completley wrong when they suggest I shouldn't CD, or should control it in any way.
4. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

So many people say these things that there is a tendency to accept them without questioning. I'm not saying here that these are always incorrect beliefs. I'm just saying there is a tendency not to question them, and that's not a good thing IMO.

Just one example: CD interest does not necessarily get progressively and consistently stronger throughout life. When I went to college, for example, I was so interested in school that I did not CD and had virtually no interest in it.

Cathy

[Lisa Golightly]

Other people made me feel guilty. How did I get over it? I decided I was better than the people who sneered at me. You've got a finite number of days and every day gone is a day lost. Besides which as I fast approach forty I can see bits of me preparing to droop and orange peel so I'm damned well sure that while I have a body I can show, I'm gonna show it. :)

[TGMarla]

Well, Trisha, why do you start feeling guilty about wearing a skirt? Maybe it's all the programming you've been subjected to all you life. But you need to come to grips and get past the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Were you actually female, you would have the option of wearing all the skirts you want to, and but for some genetic crapshoot at birth, you would be female. Be kind to yourself. Why should women get all the fun clothes? It's bad enough that we have to hide this from much of the world around us while women get to present themselves to the rest of the world in these wonderful garments. So live a little, and find a way to table the guilt.

[Audra Sinclair]

I think most of us have been where you are early on. Several times I have given in to the shame and guilt I felt, collected up all my female clothes and took them to Goodwill. I wished I could recoup the money I wasted throwing away my wardrobe. I finally got over the shame and gulit, well most of it anyway, and now I buy more clothes than I can wear. It helps a great deal that my wife knows about "Audra". In fact she gave me my name.

It was not a good time when my wife found out. It took several years for her to come to terms with it. Hang in there. The best thing you could do for yourself is to find a way to tell your wife of your desires. It may be rough going at first but in the long run you and your wife will be much happerier.:)

[Julie Avery]

I would love to tell my wife about my CD'ing but I need to come to terms with it first. I guess the question is for those of you that have felt this way how did you over come it?

Trisha

I never consistently accepted myself as a crossdresser until someone else who I dealt with on a regular basis in real space, who was not also a crossdresser, knew it about me and accepted it. Since then I've never lost confidence that this is the way I am and it's ok.

[DonnaT]

This happens at both the personal and collective level. There are many popular myths among CDers. Among these are:

1. This is just the way I am and the way I'm supposed to be.
2. This is perfectly natural, there is not even the slightest trace of anything wrong with it.
3. Society and other people are completley wrong when they suggest I shouldn't CD, or should control it in any way.
4. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

So many people say these things that there is a tendency to accept them without questioning. I'm not saying here that these are always incorrect beliefs. I'm just saying there is a tendency not to question them, and that's not a good thing IMO.

IMO, I believe the questions usually come first and the 4 items listed above are the answers, not myths.

[kathy gg]

Alexandria

I hope you don't mind me making a few comments to what you posted. Most women, you have to understand have little or no knowledge about any of this. I, like many literally felt that no guy would ever do this for peresonal enjoyment. I always thought it meant they were drag queens, doing and act, or that they wanted to have a complete sex change. The idea of "crossdressing" as something people do to feel better and bring happiness or even self graitifcation was not even a thought in my head. it was only after I took the time to read and get educated that this all sort of made sense.

I hope you don't feel to badly that this friend made those remarks. Those are remarks a person makes when they have no knowledge, it is a knee jerk reaction. And how do I say this, even the closest most dearest of friends sometimes just don't hae the time or patience or desire to 'educate' themselves about a subject which is not affecting them in a personal way. Gee, even when we here about wives {from cd's on this list} who have all the books in front of them and a husband ready to answer questions, it just goes to far out beyond their capacity to learn.

I will say that looking to a friend for advice on this subject makes about as much sense as asking her to do an operation to fix a broken leg. SHe is not skilled in this matter. Don't look to friends who don't have knowledge for sound advice and asnwers.

I am not saying this list alone is the corner stone of all intelligence, but read and share and talk and learn. Some people on here have been doing this their whole lives and have much to share.


I will also say this. I have gg's friends that know about my husband. One set of friends have known about me being into cd's since beore I met my hubby. And even after we got married and everything and such, one of them still keeps wanting to catorgarize this as "he must be gay". Love her to death, dear friend, but "she no listen to proper info". I just dont' even try to tell her anymore, because she has a mental block to it all. Bless her little pointed head!

Good luck on getting over this hurdle.

You might find in time having acceptance or total understanding froms friends is not that important. You will have to find support with-in.



I have difficulty sometimes, a lot of us do.

Recently I talked to a close GG friend of mine about my enjoyment of crossdressing. I've been out of the closet for a few weeks now, but most of my friends have known for about a year. My GG friend knows I enjoy dressing up, but when I told her I enjoy doing this daily she was shocked and believed I was going overboard with all this.

"Why now? Why suddenly do you enjoy this?" She asked.

I tried telling her that it was something of a "hobby" (I didn't want to say I enjoyed it sexually). She felt that as a hobby it was very strange and that I should stop buying female clothes.

I felt isolated. I felt like ripping up all my clothes and starting my life over. I wanted to admit that this was all just a silly hobby.

But it's not, I find pleasure dressing in my outfits. I enjoy taking pictures and wearing my nice female clothes while reading a book in bed. It's a sad feeling but something I need to accept and get accustomed to.

[patty anne]

I think it is only natural to doubt one's self when you start to crossdress. Like many of us, I purged my collection of women's clothes only to get the desire to want to dress again. Eventually, I realized that this desire was always something that would be a part of me. This realization has allowed me to accept my girl self and to throughly enjoy being a female.

[Star]

Marla you said "Even when I dont feel like it I know its coming back." That is how it is with me, I can forget about it and then one day I find myself coming backe here for some reason and the girl in me resurfacing and feeling wonderful. I start removing hair a little at a time, wearing a tuck as the femme side gets stronger and stronger until I really just want to be a girl. Since I am closeted and I know that I'll never really truly achieve that it ends up all getting put away until the next cycle.

[perfume]

Just to let you try and feel at so called home with dressing. Istarted dressing and like you, was saying to myself should i being doing this? then one day, I looked in the mirrer, and reallised this is what i want to do,.I think you have to make up your mind ,would i like to do this all the time? if the answer is yes, then continue. if no then do it when the feeling comes up. I do not know if this will help, but at least its another thought, hope it works out, hate to loose you.

[Helen MC]

I have never felt the slightest bit guilty about crossdressing and from my teens as soon as I read that other boys and men crossdressed I have always been at peace and accepted myself for what I am with no stupid guilt complexes, no "purging" , no trying to make myself be a "proper man" by joining cadet corps, playing macho sports or any of that stuff. As the famous song put it "I am what I am".

[Kimberly]

I guess in my experience, it takes some time for you going back and forth from girl and guy in your life - then you finally go: "So, this isn't going away... oh." And then it gets easier.

I've gotta say this forum helped me a lot, and coming out to my (then)SO also helped a huge amount! She was supportive, and loved my femme side, so it showed me there are people out there who can love me for who I am.

It just takes time, and for you to realise that it isn't you that's wrong: its the stereotypes of gender that all must *try* to conform to... because of many many reasons - but we all know there's a sh*t load of grey out there between the black and white.

Temet Nosche - Know thyself (I think!!) xx

[Lawren]

Trisha

I don't know about others but speaking just for myself, I have been Xdressing for over 30 years and I still have times of guilt and shame. With me it seems to come in cycles.

[Marla S]

This happens at both the personal and collective level. There are many popular myths among CDers. Among these are:

1. This is just the way I am and the way I'm supposed to be.
2. This is perfectly natural, there is not even the slightest trace of anything wrong with it.
3. Society and other people are completley wrong when they suggest I shouldn't CD, or should control it in any way.
4. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

I am a bit bemused here. Declaring this statements as myth means CDing is patholigic and a desease. Might be, but believing in the pathologic charater of CDing, form me is a crucial factor that catalyses guilt and shame and sometimes even self-hate. This can not be healthy.
On the other side, accapting CDing as "natural" (even if wrong) can open the door to a balanced, more objective, realistic view of the own self. Then is the time for questioning: How far CDing has to go, what's suitable and what is just a little bit too much.

[Alex R]

It's taken me over twenty years to admit that I am cder. I don't know why it's taken that long: family, cultural background, personal psyche, shame, whatever.

However, the guilt is now lessening and I'm feeling better within myself but not lessening enough to the extent of telling my wife. I don't know if that'll ever happen.

So yes, there is a bit of guilt that remains however not at the actual act of dressing, I now take every chance to dress up, albeit few and far between.

They say life is not a dress reheasral so get dressing. But then again if the part was a good looking blonde in a tailored black blouse, black leather skirt and black knee length boots then perhaps I would like to play that part.