The question of Honesty...

[Drew GB]

So this is something I have been struggling with and I am curious as to the different rationals and levels we all live with. What is your thought on lying to those that may suspect and confront you.

Here is my story and feelings on the subject.

As a young man perhaps even before my gender identity was ever in question, not that it is really related at all, I had a strong tendency to lie. I never felt good about it but it was a an easy fall back that protected me and got me what I wanted at the time. Later in life, I think around the time I was in High School, I had an epiphany that to be happy in life I did not need things so much as I needed a healthier respect for myself. I decided to be more honest even if it set me back. Now I was certainly not perfect but on the whole I feel like an Honest person. To this day I live by that philosophy but have found I may have a dilemma when someone asks me the pointed question of “What are you doing?” or just “What are you?”. Now their are those that believe an omission of the truth is a lie but in regards to how I lead my life I consider it more a case of need to know which is a line I am comfortable with. Now that I think of it that may be an answer in and of itself. That may be the way I handle some surprise situations that are not blaintly obvious but I may not be ready to talk about. I will just ask do they really need to know and if they say yes and I am not ready I will answer either no you don’t need to know or that is fine but I am not ready to tell you. Any pressing will have to be debated and dealt with in a suitable manner. I have found that my main struggle as with many of us is when my femme life interactions begins to mix with my male life acquaintances. Umongst strangers I have little issue with saying yes I am a man in a dress because they can’t see the woman trapped within this man and if I can’t own that with a stranger then I need to sit down and evaluate this in front of a mirror with Andy. I am at a point where I want to come out to everyone and let them figure it out right along with me. But then I freely admit I am in a place both physically and mentally where I feel safe enough to do just that. Heck Just writing this makes me want to just pull the ripcord and start calling people but I am trying to be a little cautious and convince myself this is not the pink fog by getting some opinions here.

Ok enough is enough I have been constructing this message all day so it is time to stop and put it out there. Please be kind and let me know where you stand on what you tell those that ask.

[Sami Brown]

I don't see any contradiction between being honest and telling people on a need to know basis. You wouldn't feel dishonest if someone were to ask for your phone number, and you refused to provide it, would you?

If you do want to share about your crossdressing, it is going to be better to be honest when doing so. But deciding not to share is not the same as deciding not to be honest.

One thing that you need to remember is that once you share, you can't unshare it. Make sure you have considered the potential consequences before sharing.

Good luck!

Sami

[Tracii G]

Putting people on a need to know basis protects you and your family.
I would never ask them do they really need to know because its not their decision to make.
Think of it this way do you ask all kinds of personal questions to others and how do they react?
Probably think you are being nosy and you need to mind your own business.LOL
I have friends that I never ask personal questions to because its none of my business really.
If they want to tell me I will let them decide when.
I don't know if you are the type when you make friends its on like donkey kong and you spend all your free time together.
I met a guy and he was like that asked all kinds of personal questions had to come over to my house I had to come over to his.
The type that instantly get too close for comfort. IMO.
Nice guy but I don't get too close to people like that but thats just me.

[Drew GB]

Friends not such a problem as you say I think I am more concerned with those family relationships and those that can potentially affect my life like those at work.

[Jodie_Lynn]

There is telling the truth, and then there is giving out too much of your information.

For the question: "What are you doing?" I have no answer to give you since that is just a question hanging out there with no context.

As to "What are you?" again, without context it is hard to judge. But, you can honestly answer "I don't know", or you can refuse to answer the question.

[Tracii G]

If they ask what are you say a human being just like you are but we are different.
I understand some people have this burning desire to tell everybody they know that are trans like its going to change everyone's life somehow.
They had a revelation that changed their life maybe but they don't need to scream it off the mountain top.
Its like when you meet someone for the first time and they say I'm Ralph I'm a vegan !! Like i don't really need to know that but OK Ralph.
Point is there is no reason you have to tell anyone anything unless you want to.

[donnalee]

Your business is yours and anyone who is your friend should understand that. The one thing that will assure me not wanting to go on with a conversation is too many personal questions; a conversation should not be an inquisition.
You are not required to tell people everything. A little mystery is a good thing.

[susan54]

This is an issue that has been troubling me for some time. Unlike many here I do not think of myself as a woman when I am dressed, even if I am made up in a wig and attempting to walk and talk like a woman in public. I feel I am deceiving people about my gender. I justify it by thinking that no one is harmed by this deception, but it is still a form of dishonesty. When a friend asks what I bought in the shops (when dressed as a man) I avoid giving a precise answer, when I might actually have bought a bra and a couple of new dresses and a pair of court shoes. I would rather be thought a crossdresser than a liar so my words are honest but dodge the actual question. When out I say I am ACTING as a woman, and people do not think of actors as deceivers, but they generally know when they are seeing acting - it is on a screen or a stage and I am in their real lives. People know there are men who dress as woman for their own reasons and are generally happy with that (at least in most parts of the UK) and most will realise that I am a man so are not actually deceived - but does that make it justifiable to attempt to deceive? I do not know the answer to this but it is definitely taking away the sheer enjoyment of being out in public in a dress. I know I could just tell my friends what I have bought but that is too scary - I would tell (and have told) a partner but friends are not necessarily entitled to know what I might have bought so I conceal rather than lie, which is not good either.

[SaraLin]

Don't take this too seriously. I just had a thought that made me grin, so I'll share it.

When they ask "what are you doing?" or "What are you?" pull the aside and say "S-h-h-h. I'm undercover. No go away before you screw it up."
That'll leave 'em wondering.

[Tracii G]

Susan how are you deceiving anyone if you are just being yourself?
CDing is just an activity you enjoy doing it doesn't make you a different person. If you never went out in public how would you feel about it?
Could it be you are ashamed of being a CD? Have issues with guilt?

[Jaylyn]

I have pondered this thought a few times especially when I go to Lane Bryant or Sallies without my wife. "What if someone walks in and sees me buying bras or panties or makeup at Sallies? Many answers pop in my head but usually the truth is not one of them. I have thought I'd tell them getting things for my wife or my wife orders these and ask me to pick them up on my way home. I brought up not to not lie but I wasn't brought up to be a CD either. My mom didn't mind me playing in her things but dad did mind when I did.
I have not had the occasion to be caught yet but I would probably just tell them my wife ask me to pick up something for her. I would definitely want to tell them it's none of their business but that in itself would shut the conversation about what I had off but raise suspicion. It's just best to not get caught.

[CONSUELO]

Andy,

I perceive that your real issue is not just general honesty but a growing desire to just let the world know that you are a cross dresser while you are struggling with the issue of what you really are. Are you just a man in a dress? Are you really needing to express a more feminine aspect of yourself.

You should try to figure it out yourself and that is a journey that requires you to read a lot about the experience of others and perhaps even find a good counsellor who can help you focus on the key questions and allow you to have the conversation with yourself that you clearly desire.

Don't go off "half-cocked" and blurt something to the world that you barely understand yourself. This is not a matter of honesty because honestly you don't know the answers yourself yet.

[Stephanie47]

Everyone bears the consequences of one's own actions. If you feel compelled to reveal to one and all that you wear women's clothing, then do it. What will the consequences be if you do this? You will not know until you do it. I'm sure there will not be 100% approval. Some friends, family and coworkers will shun you. New relationships may not form as often.

From you post you allude to "damned if you do, damned if you don't." If you hedge your bets and tell someone it is none of his or her business whether you are this or that, he or she will just come to the conclusion you are. When I read your posts I get the feeling you want to yell something from the roof tops and let it all out. If you're going to interact with someone and you're wearing a dress and heels I would think you are going to be compelled to have a conversation with the person. If you're not wearing a dress and heels why would you acknowledge you are a cross dresser to anyone at all? Why is it his or her business? You are not compelled to waive your right to privacy. I have not been asked questions concerning my sexuality or sexual identity. I have been asked deeply personal questions that I have refused to answer. I've told the person it is not a question to ask anyone because it is personal. On the other hand I have discussed the same situation with people when I felt it was appropriate.

It is against my moral code to lie. If I do not want to answer the questions I just ask the person why he or she wants to know. If there is a valid reason, then maybe I'll answer. Otherwise I will tell the person it is not his or her business whether I am or am not. It may keep the person guessing, but, that's going to be the person's problem.

[AmberLeigh]

Some days I just want to tell the world what I enjoy doing. I ended up telling one of my best friends and co-worker about my crossdressing because it just felt right. I knew she was someone I could trust and if we ever decided not to be friends anymore, she would never hold it over my head. I have thought about telling a few other close friends but trust was an issue. I don't want things held over my head if we get into a disagreement about something else and all of the sudden six other people know about my crossdressing.
My suggestion is that if you are going to share it with anyone make sure you can trust them to not hold it over you if the relationship goes south.

[Drew GB]

Andy,

I perceive that your real issue is not just general honesty but a growing desire to just let the world know that you are a cross dresser while you are struggling with the issue of what you really are. Are you just a man in a dress? Are you really needing to express a more feminine aspect of yourself.

You should try to figure it out yourself and that is a journey that requires you to read a lot about the experience of others and perhaps even find a good counsellor who can help you focus on the key questions and allow you to have the conversation with yourself that you clearly desire.

Don't go off "half-cocked" and blurt something to the world that you barely understand yourself. This is not a matter of honesty because honestly you don't know the answers yourself yet.


I fully realize this is part of my issue. I do want to be out. I am stil new to this and I have a healthy level of fear concerning coming out which is also why I am on this wonderful forum asking these questions and reading a whole slew of older posts. Thank you for helping me better get that point across. I am not the best when it comes to getting to the point as I easily get distrac - SQUIRL! -

[ClosetED]

I have always prided myself on honesty, and hated that my wife forced me into lying to satisfy her demands for DADT.
But not telling and lying and telling only part of the truth are all different.
I also sometimes want others around me to know my secret-they all know me as very creative but no nothing of my greatest achievement of the look of Ellen. But despite laws in my favor, the reality is still daunting. But I am reaching a point in life where work is less critical, and I do feel tempted.
Sharing here is the next best thing.
Hugs, Ellen

[Alice B]

My answer is straight to the point. I am a cross dresser. Then i answer any follow up questions honestly. If you do not want to face this situation then you have to be very selective about stuations to put yourself into.

[jacques]

some wise advice I once heard - "you should always speak the truth; but you should not always speak!"

[Judy-Somthing]

For about a year I tried to be opened and honest with my wife about my dressing, she's says she would never except me dressing and that it's messed up!
Married for thirty five years and I love her and my family but this dam desire to dresses doesn't seem to be going away.

I don't want to be dishonest with her but I’m planning on dressing as soon as I can.
She hasn’t asked in about a year if I’ve dressed.

[Pat]

Ok enough is enough I have been constructing this message all day so it is time to stop and put it out there. Please be kind and let me know where you stand on what you tell those that ask.

I spent a day chewing on an answer. ;) What you have here is a situational ethics question. Situational ethics has a bad reputation amongst theorists but it's the most common kind of ethics in practice. It seems to me like there are (at least) three cases:

1. You don't know the answer. Many of us passed through a long period of not knowing who/what we are, even if that failure to know is a result of our own denial. They wonder to themselves "Am I really trans? Or am I just that?" where this/that might be trans/confused, TS/crossdresser, crossdresser/fetishist or some other pair of things. If you do not know the truth you cannot tell the truth and I think it's forgivable to go with the story that causes the least harm. It's easier to one day stand tall and say "I am transgender!" than it is to have to say, "That trans thing I told you about? Yeah, turns out I was mistaken about that. Nevermind."

2. You plausibly fear loss or harm. A simple analog would be if a madman was stalking the city killing people whose last name ends in a vowel. He confronts you and asks your name. You are completely OK (in my book) saying your name is Smith even if it's really Abecrombie. You are not the person doing wrong here, you're just mitigating the wrong that he is doing. If, as a crossdresser, you plausibly fear the loss of your family or your job, I don't think there's really a problem with you concealing your activity. Many of us may disagree with your estimation of plausibility or we may point out that the collateral harm of lying may be greater over time, but we have to defer to your judgement.

3. You absolutely know the truth and you are confident that you can face any blowback that would come from it. That's the state people who come out are in. Near as I can tell, almost everyone has to work up to that. When you're there, it can be argued that concealing it absolutely a black-hearted lie. But that's why people generally come out anyway - they have to tell their truth. That's why I came out. The out people I know have a similar story.

It sounds like you're at or approaching case 3.

[Rachelakld]

Is there really a "truth" or is it our perspective?

For me, I prefer honesty (I can't lie or play poker) but I can deflect or throw a question back (why? what business is it of yours? do you have issues with....? etc)

[Aunt Kelly]

I believe that it's more complicated still, Pat. Deception is deception, whether or not it is discovered. We may rationalize that it's being done to "preserve harmony", and while it holds, it very often does just that, but when it fails, there will be rightful indignation on the part of the deceived. Never mind the fact that the deceived party may have made it clear that expressing one's TG nature would be a deal breaker, the deception at that point only adds insult to injury.
And that is what's "messed up" - that so many people have such a hard time with this. And I don't even mean to suggest that it's always bigoted and mean-spirited. It's just that we live in a culture there is still a tremendous value placed in traditional gender roles and discomfort with those who bend the curve. Sucks, but it is what it is.
All of which is a long-winded way of saying, I don't have a good answer either. Honesty worked for me. It doesn't for most.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Tracii G]

Some people are honest to a fault and screw themselves over every time.
I have a close friend of 40 years and she is like that. I have tried to tell her when someone asks a question just give a short answer not your entire life history.Essentially tell them what they need to know and no more.
She is a sweet person and super caring to everyone, She is what she is and I wouldn't change a thing about her.

[Drew GB]

Judy you look lovely! In a DADT situation I don’t think of it as lying because that understanding is there. Now if she has just said you can’t ever dress. Well then it is really not a partnership and you may need to talk. Would she accept it if you ever forbid her from doing something? No one should. 30 Year’s is a good chunk of change but when it comes to your happiness don’t give her the rest of your life unless she can accept you and let you be the happy person you were meant to be.

SQUIRL!!!

[Tracii G]

Judy pick out something she does and say I hate that so you can't do it and see what she says.
I would pick pants if she wears pants tell her she can't because it makes her look like a man.
Ridiculous I know but makes about as much sense.

[Drew GB]

Pat,
Thank you for that well thought out answer. I really want to say a huge thank you to everyone who posted here. It has been an education for me and I now have a better feeling of where I am and that I am not just huffing a lung full of pink fog. Honestly I think it is just an occasional hit to keep me happy yet grounded.

As of this moment I have a plan / resolution. I will be going out fully dressed on March 31. If I am right that is Trans visibility Day. Till then I am not only planning my outfit but I am continuing my education here and other places. To that I will be talking to certain people in my immediate sphere trying to gauge how they might react. Really only two or three worry me significantly but I will be working on that list some more. Otherwise any further tips and or words of warning will still be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all and lots of love. :love:

Andy!!!

[5150 Girl]

Who are you in your heart? Just a man in a dress, a transgender person, a woman trapped in a man's body to name just a very few options... Figure that out and be true to that!

[Drew GB]

Ya know right now it depends on the day of the week. Is there an option D? All of the above?

So today my rebellious side got to me. To set the scene last night my wife and Andy went to the movies and had a nice night out. Today I had to run to the shop to grab some stools that were done drying and a few other things. To my knowledge no one was going to be there so I did not remove my new baby blue nail polish. Well of course as I am loading my car the man who runs the shop pulls up to load some stuff himself. I quickly positioned myself ever so awkwardly so he could not see my hands. Then I fumbled around for my gloves in the front seat and threw them on. This whole time forgetting that my hat is not covering my new pierced ears and the nice sparkly studs in them. Well our conversation went on as normal and he never really batted an eye even though I am sure he noticed one if not both my tells. This is also one of the people I have been worried about knowing. During the conversation he mentioned he was meeting with a potential new scenic artist that I know ,from talking to my wife, is openly trans and making the switch from F2M. He then arrived a minute later and we were introduced officially and again our shop Forman was pleasant and even keeled. At this point I am worrying about him less and feeling more confident but on the whole I feel like I failed in my honesty to myself today by freaking out a bit and hiding myself. I am noticing that I am confident as Andy but as myself with a bit of Andy showing I am still ashamed or afraid. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I want to just be out so that instead of me hiding Andy it will be Andy who sometimes dresses drab.

Through this all I still have this nagging fear because I just turned 41. Is this just a midlife crisis? Oye life why do you have to be so dang confusing?!?

P.S. I wrote this during lunch at Panda Express and just read my fortune cookie. “Your good nature will bring you happiness”. Sometimes with these fortunes I think what a crock but today I am thinking from your cookie to gods ear!

[Sometimes Steffi]

When I don't want to provide an answer, I often provide a response that is true, as far as it goes.

For example, if an SA says, "She will really like that." I may respond, "I'm sure she will."

The trick is the SA probably means "she" as my SO. I mean "she" as my femme side.

Or the SA will say, "That's really a bargain." I'll respond, "It is, my wife taught me how to shop."

The SA asks, "Is this for you?" My response, "It's for me, but not for me."

The SA might say, "That will look real cute on you." I'll look down at it and say, "You're right, but I think it's too small for me." or "Yes, I'm sure it will [somewhat sarcastically]."

There are lots of ways to be truthful, but still be deceptive.

[Becky Blue]

I will probably get shot down for this but in my opinion everyone lies, its just a perspective.
Those of you who say I never lie, read Dan Arliely's book 'The (Honest) Truth about Dishonesty' not only informative but funny too, i guarantee you will walk away agreeing that everyone lies. Andy do what you gotta do to protect yourself.

[Kiwi Primrose]

I have always been intensely private but I have never side-stepped a direct question.
For example "are these for you?" - I will answer truthfully and then take part in the following discussions.
People accept the truth much faster than beating around the bush.