A different view

[sara_also]

I hope I am able to get this idea into words correctly. I work alone and spend most days listening to talk radio. One day while listening to DR Laura
a lady called in and was complaining that her husband was not telling her of a particular problem he was having, that was of a personal nature.
(I quickly related the conversation to crossdressing and how some of us are in the closet, and have never told our so's about our other self)

Dr Laura asked her if he was a good husband? Is he a good father? Is he a good provider? She answered yes to all. Rather than chastize her husband, Dr Laura proceeded to say that it takes a real man to protect his wife and family from anything that could possibly harm them in any way.

I guess the point that I am trying to make, is that being in the closet is not always a bad thing, and sometimes it takes real courage not to tell the people we love, everything about us.

Most of the post on this forum seem to lean towards comming out to our so's
and I am among them, with a very supportive wife. However Dr Laura's statements made me realize that there is a different side of the fence, and that anyone can be in the closet for some good reasons.

Enjoy what we have, and open your minds to others.

Sara

[TGMarla]

"Dr." Laura is also the one who has stated that crossdressing is sinful, and that it's against God's law of nature. She's not actually a doctor at all in a medical sense. She has a PhD in some religious field. Yet she still finds it her calling to go on a nationally syndicated radio program to rail at people who call her so they can be abused by her rather sharp and self-righteous tongue.

[GypsyKaren]

I certainly have no use for her(do I hear a duck going quack, quack?), but you do raise a good point Sarah, something I've always tried to say. As much as I believe it best to be out of the closet, I do know that it's not for everybody. I hid away for most of my life for my reasons, and everyone else has theirs. The key to sucess is to accept and love yourself as is, whether that's being in or out to the world and such.

Karen

[Yes I am]

I'm not surprised at all that someone as openly bigoted and hateful as Dr. Laura could make staying in the closet seem like a virtue.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Disregarding "Dr" Laura (as I wish more people would...), the point is a valid one. Often on this site, I see people post who are angry or upset because their S/O doesn't accept their CD'ing. I think at times, we become self centered on what is good for us, and downplay or ignore how that will affect or impact others

Think of it like this: Lets say someone had an affair. Once, one night. The guilt, and fear of being caught is chewing them up. So, in an effort to make the guilt and fear go away, they confessto their S/O. Now, they feel better because they have unburdened themselves, but what about the S/O? That person now has the burden of your misdeed on their head, and they have fear and anxiety. "What if he does it again?" "How can I trust him anymore?"

See? You haven't eliminated the problem, just transferred ownership.

You have to be who you are, regardless of whether your partner accepts, condones, or encourages you. If they don't, then as a loving partner, you should respect their feelings, and keep the "offensive" behaviour away from them. In a perfect world, your spouse would accept you, but we all know that it isn't a perfect world, right? Example, I smoke (yeah, I know, I Know!) and the wife hates it. So, I don't smoke in the house. I take it outside, or to my workshop. She nags me to quit, but understands the addiction. To accomodate her feelings, I don't do it in the house. She doesn't like my smoking, but tolerates it. Doesn't encourage it, but accepts it, grudgingly.

Am I making sense? or just babbling?

[Janelle Young]

Sara brings up a very good point that I had not considered before. While I am still in the camp of tell the SO I can respect the reasons for not telling. Could it be as simple as pantyhose or stockings, IE personal choice?


P.S. Jodie Lynn you make perfect sense.

[TracyDeluxe]

"Dr." Laura is, IMHO, a pinhead. 'Nuff said.

[Cathy Anderson]

Hi Sara,

I think your intuition is correct--sometimes it might show more love and integrity to *not* tell a spouse. This assumes a man is in control of his CDing, and not the reverse.

At a gender convention once I met a man like that. I got the impression that he only dressed at conventions, maybe once or twice a year. He seemed extremely comfortable with the whole thing. Note that by doing this only out of town, he spared his spouse any possible embarrassment.

Maybe a sign that this is the right approach is to ask oneself the following: suppose my spouse did find out--could I field her questions and concerns so that it was not a big deal? To, in essence, say (persuasively), "I didn't tell you because it simply isn't an important enough subject to mention."

Cheers,

Cathy

[kathy gg]

Sara,

I like the point you are making. I hate the source from where you got the idea though:eek: but that is another thread.

I totally find that alot of women are just unable/unwilling/and possibly just to naive' to ever wrap their heads around this. And to come up with one person who fits the bill all over the map on that, is someone like my mom. I love her with all my heart, but I know that I could NEVER, EVER, EVER share this part of our life with her. When she was younger she was alot more open minded and compassionate, but as she gets older her views and ideas get smaller and smaller. She also is I believe suffering from some mental health issues. So in her mind no matter how well I did to tell her about our life, she would immediatly think we were perverts, a danger to our child, and who knows what else. Regardless of how she knows how I am as a daughter, mother, and wife and how awesome my husband is and a husband, father, and son-in-law knowing he is a cd and I am okay with it would trump all the good. She would be not just unaccepting, but competey terrified, repulsed, and probably hate us both.

The upside is we live 1700 miles from them and I only have to see her once a year...so yah! for me!

So, I do believe that some people are just unable to process this in any way shape or form. It goes beyond their mental ablity and breaks every social taboo.

And really, if someone is married to a person like this, duh...shouldn't you realize that this person is just not capable of getting it! Dont' even try or consider opening the door, because when someone is so far in that corner with their thinking there is no where to go but down upon disclosure.

I think teling an SO shoudl always come before marriage, no if-andsor-buts. But once you have been married for ages and you both are past mid-life and you know she is closeminded...just resing yourself to a life of secrecty....unless you want to divorce.

[Julie Avery]

lotta wisdom there

[sara_also]

My prupose here was not to condone Dr Laura at all. My point (for what it is worth) is that it sometimes takes a bigger person to see things from all sides.
To me this is more important than where the thoughts came from.
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts on this matter.
Hope you all are having a great day.
Sara

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

And to come up with one person who fits the bill all over the map on that, is someone like my mom. I love her with all my heart, but I know that I could NEVER, EVER, EVER share this part of our life with her.

Thanks for making the point I was about to raise. A couple days ago I heard linguist Deborah Tannen being interviewed about her new book (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=ur2&tag=adahlshous-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&path=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fgp%2Fproduct%2F 1400062586%2Fsr%3D8-1%2Fqid%3D1142400514%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_1%3F%255Fencod ing%3DUTF8), which looks at mother-daughter relations.

One of her key observations was that many of the women studied (as adults) ended up not disclosing many of their inner-most secrets with their mothers because they didn’t want to upset their mothers—of course, not wanting to trigger the resulting advice-giving probably was another factor. But I hope woman can understand that there’s often a similar mentality at work when crossdressers don’t tell their wives and girlfriends about their dressing. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s far better to disclose it, preferably early in the relationship. And self-interest, and yes fear, can also be major factors. But often I’ve seen a genuine concern by crossdressers who’ve spent their lives struggling with it and want to “protect” their wives from similar struggles. I’m not saying it’s the right decision, I merely saying that it’s a decision that can be based on more than just selfish reasons.

(Incidently, one of Tannen's other observations was about the advice-giving the mothers do – which often drives daughters crazy but is (usually) meant out of love. I didn’t hear enough of the interview to hear Tannen’s explanation on why mothers feel compelled to offer advice, but I suspect it’s not dissimilar to men—they feel a need to show their concern by problem-solving.)

[trannie T]

Listen to FM, listen to a CD, whatever you do don't listen to Dr. Laura.

[Melinda G]

Wives have a habit of wanting to know "everything", while feeling it's OK to have secrets of their own. We now return to our normal programming.;)

[size7satin]

Take Our Laura Survey And Get Paid $300 In The Next 15 Minutes!

Is at the bottom of the page ROFLMAO

[kristytv]

[QUOTE=Jodie-Lynn]Think of it like this: Lets say someone had an affair. Once, one night. The guilt, and fear of being caught is chewing them up. So, in an effort to make the guilt and fear go away, they confessto their S/O. Now, they feel better because they have unburdened themselves, but what about the S/O? That person now has the burden of your misdeed on their head, and they have fear and anxiety. "What if he does it again?" "How can I trust him anymore?"[QUOTE]

oh oh i know this one! , i had a similar situation where when i had started dating my ex that i was together with for 5 years , in the first 3 months i had slept with my ex gf ( i was prevoiusly engaged to ) on 4 seperate occasions . i felt horrible! like i ruined something . i held it in for our whole relationship , i so wanted to tell her toward the end when things were going down hill but i didnt , and in effect i think i partially ruined our relationship becasue i had tried too hard to over come what i was feeling . in the end i realized this wasn't completley on me and that she was loony!! but i didnt feel bad at the very end because i found out she had cheated on me 6 times in the last year we were together, both of these girls knew about my dressign and liked it, but oddly enough at the end of my 2nd lt relationship she gave it as one fo the reasons she didnt want to be with me , but yet it used to turn her on alot !

[Michelle Hart]

I actually like Dr Laura, she has some really insitfull info if you open up to it.

I have a LOT of skeletons in my past, from my military work and other things. My SO has no idea about those things. Somtimes you do need to think of others and how your actions will affect their lives. Be selfless not selfish....... Perhaps I'm in the minority but why cause someone harm indirectly or directly in it is'nt warranted.

Look around, how many people do you know that are completly closed off. Stubbornly unwilling to even entertain a different view or idea. For many of us our partners will never be willing to even TRY to understand what makes our comunity so special.

I'm lucky my SO accepts me just the way I am, I wish everybody here had that.

[sparks]

Gads Girls All we can agree on is that Dr. Laura is a crone! Thought she was dead or in hiding from death threats.
Let me tell ya a story! I knew that my wife had issues with CDing! I was nieve enough to think thaT once married I would accept my life as it and I would not need to dress anymore! So I kept it inside!
Now years later married kids! And guess what I'm still in luv with my girlie knickers! Along came a window of opportunity to tell my wife about it! Bam! Years of stressful marriage coming at ya! Guilt on my part for ruining our up til than perfect marriage. My wife believing she has lost her sexy(at least to her! Beauty in eye of the beholder and all!) husband!
Was i being brave and protecting her in the first part of our marriage or simply a coward for fear of losing her!
Six of those and half dozen of the other.
Just hit Dr. Laura with a huge Rock!