First Meeting

[SamanthaToday]

I went to Transgender support group, my fantasy of what it would be and what it was, were totally different.

First off I felt way over dressed, even though I just wore a skirt and top, with a jacket for the weather.

Took a few minutes to realize why, out of the 18 people attending a dozen were "FtM" and of course they dress to blend into there desired sex.

The 6 "MtF" dressed , 2 dressed to blend into as casual girls, not an office girl which what I dressed like. The other 4 Im not going to comment on.

I said my name and that was my participation for 2 hours.

I made a day of it in that I went to my therapist first then to the support group, the whole thing left me emotionally exhausted for a couple of days.

The "FtM" seemed to really have it together, confident and funny.

The "MtF" were of mixed ages and , I didn't feel a connection at all, but maybe I expected to much.

My therapist was blown away that I was going and thought it was a big step and did warn me that I might feel let down by it, but to keep going.

For my marriage my wife and I love each other very much and no matter what happens She will support me.

I couldn't ask for better from my best friend.

Not sure where I am going, but I think I am getting closer to figuring out what it is I really want. Be glad when this happens because right now the whole thing is one sided and selfish..

I see posts from others about things they are going through , I want to reply but I feel there isn't much I can say when I am struggling hard to figure out myself. I apologize.

[Helen_Highwater]

Samantha,

What you've encountered is diversity. You quickly realise going to these get togethers that there's no one template for what a CD'er is or how they look. We're all different. My advice would be stay with it and see how it goes. You may find next time there's different people there, folks you'll gel more easily with. It's better to have tried and failed........

[Pat]

Samantha -- It sounds like it went well, actually. Reality can be disappointing, but if you give it a chance to prove itself it'll pay off. My rule of thumb was always give these things three chances before writing them off as hopeless. And stay friendly with the FtM's -- I've always found them to be a fun crowd if they'll accept you. In terms of people to hang around with, they're better men than men are. ;)

[Tracii G]

Don't discount the experience because you did learn something and that is there are no rules.
Consider how the other people may have felt with you there some it may have been their first time too.
It was nothing like I expected either but I have made a bunch of great friends being a part of the group.

[Rachael Leigh]

Samantha, sounds like an interesting experience. I’m actually helping to begin a new support group where I live and have
no idea what to expect. My journey in and of itself is in a major flux right now but I just want to help others and be their
friend if I can. I wish you well as you figure it out

[Rhonda Jean]

I've only been to a couple of support group meetings. One was small and I had little connection. I was the only one who didn't identify as TS. Good people, though. The other was about a dozen of us, mostly cd, and every last one of them were wonderful people. I wish I lived closer and could be a part of that group! As Tracii G said, no rules. That alone is wonderful! Even just that one meeting with these wonderful people was life altering. I'd suggest you try different groups. Fact is, if you feel like you don't connect with them, the feeling is probably mutual. Finding one you connect with would be worth the trouble.

[Joyce Swindell]

We have an organization that meets​regularly once a month. I would love to commit to just being there for every meeting. It used to be a huge group years ago but it has dwindled to a handful of folks. I've moved around so much and have made meetings as much as I could. The one thing I think that would help the group is more volunteers helping each other to make it happen....it meaning all of the consistencies. The group leaders do a really good job with what they have and I am very grateful for them.
My point is if you could volunteer to help with the group the involvement might help you and them.

[Kandi Robbins]

It has been my experience that when you get together in a large enough group of those with gender identity issues, it's Baskins Robbins, 31 different flavors. As you know, it's not as simple as a man wanting to be a woman. There are those that want to become women, those that feel as if they are women, those that simply like to dress as women, those (like yourself) that wish to present themselves in a classy fashion, the gender fluid, those that are fetishists, those that dress completely inappropriately for their age or size or for many other reasons. Some simply have no fashion sense. There are those just happy to be there and those angry at the world. You probably saw a bit of that spectrum. Don't let it unsettle you. If you feel like the therapist is helping, keep going. Find your footing. Seek situations and environments that allow you to surround yourself with those that approach this like you, make you feel comfortable. I too started out going to large CD/TG gatherings and just found that I didn't fit in. I just wanted to be "mainstream" in my dressing and how I am perceived and have been lucky so far to achieve that goal.

Keep those lines of communication open with that wonderful wife of yours. You are in this together and it sounds like you are blessed to have her in your corner. Baby steps.....

[Aunt Kelly]

As usual, I'm late to the event and can offer little but to underscore the excellent advice that some of these ladies have already given. Do keep in mind that the whole "support group" thing means that the group offers support for it's members where they need it, from those members who can offer it. Give it time, you'll find a place there. Someone will come along with a need for what you have to offer. Meanwhile, it's OK to ask questions, it's OK to be silent. No two groups are the same and any newcomer will need a little time to get a feel for the informal decorum that naturally evolves in such settings.

BTW, I applaud your motivations and your courage. :)

[Stephanie47]

In the early 1980's when my wife and I had "The Talk" she told me it was OK with her if I wanted to join a support group. Well, there was none. I looked. Back then I probably needed it more than now because I was not sure where I was going and the big "Why" question was foremost in my mind. You accomplished the big hurdle; you went. It does not surprise me that you were silent. It's natural to sit back and check the waters with your toe before jumping into the deep end. If it does not meet your needs you can always stop going. Perhaps, it will be a gateway to other small groups that would be more comfortable for you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've bee to several different therapists, but I have never actually gone to a support group.

I am a member of a large local "social group" and we go out en mass for food, drinks, girl talk and all kinds of other fun.

A few times, I went to a social group where admirers were invited. I'm not at all into men, but, the men did make me feel like a "piece of meat", if you know what I mean. Mostly, I hung close to other gurls, and practiced my "icy stare" to keep admirers at a safe distance. Once, I felt that my male chivalry was called for to protect a GG/SO from an overly aggressive admirer, who didn't know that he had gotten himself in too deep.

I say this, because, it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. Try this group again, even as practice being out as a girl, and look for another group that may suit you better.

[Jaymees22]

I have been to 3 different support groups over the past 6 years. Like Pat said give it at least 3 tries. Every meeting even with the same people is different every time. It takes a while to see how you fit in and even if you just make one friend it's worth it. I'll admit some meetings are boring and then the next one will be really good, so stick with it. Hugs Jaymee

[Tracii G]

Go back to that one a few more times then switch to another.
I was fortunate the one I picked was perfect for me.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Samantha,


my fantasy of what it would be and what it was, were totally different.

Can you describe what you had expected the support group meeting to be like?

- Suzie

[Cassandra Lynn]

I see posts from others about things they are going through , I want to reply but I feel there isn't much I can say when I am struggling hard to figure out myself. I apologize.

No need to apologize at all Samantha.
It may just be that you need to reply to find your voice first. Worrying about what you say or denying yourself that voice, because you think your own struggles prevent you having a voice, is just a bit of fear showing through.
It's common and ok to feel that way at first.

You won't be judged based on what you have to say.

Maybe focusing on 1 or 2 items you are dealing with the most and posting threads to get some feedback would help you more than then posting on someone else's OP?

As for the support group, please do give it plenty of time, the first few trips should be just getting into the flow, getting comfortable with how to dress, developing a rapport with the ones you feel connected to and so on. To borrow a few phrases from the world of recovery and 12 step meetings: 'take what you want and leave the rest', 'trust in the process', 'the newcomer is the most important person in the room', 'never quit too soon'.

The fellowship of any kind of support group environment is, to me at least, the main thing; it's only with people of our own kind that we can feel the kinship to grow.
You'll see something like this phrase quite a lot here: 'we're all different'; but it's our similarities not our differences that bind us.
That's just my humble opinion anyways.

Cass

[Shelly Preston]

Support groups all have a different dynamic.
You need to find the group that is right for you.

Most groups are very supportive but some can be difficult in the beginning.

You will not always find an immediate connection to those there.
However as has been said previously it can depend on the people who are there when you attend.

Good luck for future meetings.

[BrendaPDX]

WOW! Congratulations on going and sharing. My mental image was what yours was before you went, this is a real eye opener. Thanks again for sharing. Brenda

[CONSUELO]

Samantha,
You say you are not sure of where you are going. Reading your post carefully it would seem to me that you are on a voyage of personal discovery. What you will find at the end of the journey is as yet unknown but you have my admiration for doing this. Best wishes.

[Beverley Sims]

Group meetings are often an anticlimax as your expectationsare always greater than reality.

After a couple of visits you may see a familiar face and strike up a conversation.

Like here really don't ask to meet up with anyone in your first few posts, people want to see what your aspirations are first.

[Teresa]

Samantha,
MY first meeting was my groups 4th anniversary so it was a buffet and dance , so most were dressed to the nines even the wives so I felt my ballgown fitted in very well. The ordinary meetings are more of a mixed bag, you just have to accept that different people have different needs and it's their way of dealing with them . I must admit short skirts round the butt do look out of place but it may be the only time they can wear that type of outfit. The problem comes meeting at a public hotel and what the other guests think. We often discuss the point that some members don't give their look enough thought the problem is some don't know any better , I keep pressing for more talks on appearance and choice of wigs .

The point is if you don't like the group try and find another they vary so much depending on the personality of the organiser .

[Tracii G]

Samantha some may not be as far along in their dressing as you are and just don't have the money to put together a nice outfit or they just don't know how.
The main thing is be open don't judge they are just trying to find their way too.

[Allison Chaynes]

I went to a meeting for Trans, as there is no CD group really where I was. It was a mixed bag. One girl was older, and a Presbyterian minister who struggled with how the church handled her. She left early, and a couple other girls got very hostile towards her views. Overall though, even though I'm not trans, it was good to get out and meet others. Several were extremely helpful and nice. We found a lot of common things to discuss.

[SamanthaToday]

Thank you all,

Visited the site 3 times to read what was said and just now have an opportunity to respond.

I read every post more than once some more than 3 times.

Too many posts to respond to all, so I am going just respond to what I remember..

Can only say so much and all from my view point "What happens in Vegas stay's in Vegas" :)

Expectations.. I guess it's a bit of ignorance on my part.

I see the girls on here and how they dress and we all work with what we have, but I find everyone makes a big effort to look nice.

In my mind I thought it would be like that, only thing I got right was the circle of chairs. lol.

Didnt expect to see so many "FtM" if any, "my ignorance showing through". I didnt even know they were women until the introductions started, so that was eye opening.

I found them to be so open, friendly and knowledgable.

I guess I am looking more for a social group versus a support group. I plan on attending again, give it the "3 tries".

Maybe I will meet someone.

I feel bad for judging, my expectations were to high I guess.

Yes my wife is awesome I couldnt ask for more, beyond lucky.

Even if our marriage doesnt survive I know we will always be friends.

I appreciate and respect the people who put these meetings together, I did email the organizer the next day and put a Big thank you in.

Thank you all again for your support.