Going out - battle of conscience and fear

[Tamsin Secret]

Hey all,

From very early in my CD evolution presenting as female in public has always formed a great part of my thoughts.

Fast forward a few years and I'm now in a position where I feel my 'look' will be enough to allow me to experience this I hope.

I still can't put my finger on the driver for wanting to do this as I get opportunity (albeit not as often as I would like) to dress at home.

I can only say two things on this.

Firstly it is as though I must? As though I have to to fully appreciate what my CD'ING is all about, completing a transformation and experiencing day to day life, as close as possible for a GG for just a while.

Secondly that over the last few months especially I have come to reason with myself that why shouldn't I?

It's always been inside of me and I feel I've come such a long way with all areas of my transformation look and style.

This opportunity will present itself in a few weeks. I have in my head what I want to do and where I want to go. Daytime, shopping area, few GG essential purchases to make the experience all the more authentic. I want to stop for a coffee somewhere and then, as in a flash, it will all be over.

For all my positivity above sometimes at night I start to worry/panic. It passes but I do. I so want to enjoy this and am ready to I just don't want to spoil it by worrying about things that might never happen.

I will be fine, I know I will and if I don't go this time there will be another.
Vs
So what if it's not fine you better do it as there will never be another opportunity as you will always chicken out.

Tammy :<3:

[Jaylyn]

I have found that the percentages of you going out successfully are probably at a very high percent that nothing will happen out of the ordinary. What's that old saying 99% of the things we worry about never happen. I always worried about the things I can control but not the things I can't control. You can control where, when, and how you look when you go out. So maybe we shouldn't be worried. We can control a high percentage of our going out.
I would love to be out in a big town with the Houston girls but I made a promise to my wife I wouldn't ever go out. That's why if I did my percentages of succeeding would be drastically reduced....
Go for it Tamsin.

[Stephanie47]

I totally understand where you're going. I view it as the little kid is told not to cross the road by his mother. The lure is there. What adventure is on the other side of the road? It took a long time for me to venture out totally en femme. I was in my early 30's. I still had a youthful male body. Being tall and slender I made up into a decent looking blond. For several years my adventure was on Halloween; pretty dress, heels, hosiery, all the proper undergarments, full makeup (including fake nails) and wigs. I tested the waters at grocery stores and a doughnut shop. I got a compliment or two. Hey, it was Halloween. I did also take evening drives and manufactured reasons to leave the car; retrieve a free newspaper, return a library book to the night slot, use a vending machine, mail a letter, and so on. Evening strolls in totally safe residential neighborhoods. It gave me a thrill. The kid crossed the street. On occasion I still take those strolls. The lure is no longer there. I seem to be satisfied being an in-home dresser getting domestic chores done when my wife is at work.

My advice to anyone is to do what you feel is within your comfort zone. Don't listen to what others may say and do. They do not bear the consequences of your actions.

You cannot put your finger on the driver of your actions because the act of wearing women's clothing is within you. It is part of your inner self. I find it difficult to suppress who I may be. I'm sure it's the same for you. Enjoy the experience.

[Tracii G]

You will be mad at yourself if you don't get out at least one time.
You know if you go out once there is a high probability you will do it again and again and wonder why did I chicken out so much this is fun.
Always be aware of everything around you but that goes for regular guy mode too.
Don't go to places you are not comfy with and stay safe.

[Pat]

Tammy -- I can't say what you feel, but I can say that what got me going out the door was my sense of honesty. As I came to know who I was I felt I had to show it. At first just sporadically like so many here and then as time went on and I became more certain of my answer, I had to do it all the time -- I started to feel that presenting male was lying and that bothered me. That's what I think of when you mention conscience.

For fear -- well, it's fear. You've probably dealt with that all your life in other settings. For me, it was helpful to recognize that other people had done this before me; that I could face any bad blowback and that, having read the stories of others here, I knew it was a temporary condition. After a few times going out would transition from scary to routine. Like driving a car or flying an airplane, at first it seems impossibly daunting but a little experience tames it.

You'll have fun. :)

[DIANEF]

Tamsin, believe me, if I can do it anyone can. I've just turned 54, it was only a year or so ago I went out for the first time. I now kick myself daily because I didn't do it much much earlier. Nothing has ever happened to stop me wanting more and more. Please take in what everyone has said and go for it, you won't regret it.

[DaisyLawrence]

Just do it. You'll be dead one day.

[carolyn todd]

Tammy
I have been on holiday for the past ten days dressed 24/7 in Folkestone and Crawley staying in hotels and shopping
think of doing it again soon.
will pm you.

Carolyn

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Sometimes, when I'm fully dressed and feeling really good about how I look, I get almost overwhelmed by the desire to go out, just to do...anything! When I brought this up with my therapist, he seemed to think it sounded like what I really wanted was to share, and I get that. When you really enjoy something, or are really proud of something, it's natural to want to share that with others. It's the one thing you can never get just dressing up alone, behind closed doors. I think it's why some of us share pictures and videos here. On one level it seems somewhat narcissistic (Hey! Look at me!), but on the other, it's nice to feel like you're communicating with the outside world.

My issue is that now that my wife knows about my crossdressing, when the topic of me going out dressed came up, it definitely raised some issues. Granted, all of this was very new at the time, so I should expect that reticence. Though she didn't say no, her fears and insecurities kind of brought back mine!

[Tamsin Secret]

I know your right Jaylyn, thanks for the support.

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Hi Stephanie, let's just hope I don't get run over!

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Thank you Tracii, good advice and your right I will be mad at myself. I'll never know if I don't try :hugs:

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Hi Pat, the conscience thing is quite layered for me tbh, but I so want to have that fun!

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Diane, I have read alot on here about people wishing they had experienced things alot sooner in their lives. It is they who inspire and encourage me to fulfill my dreams now rather than wait. What am I waiting for after all?:waiting:

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Daisy, you have already won my 'best summary' prize :heehee:

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Thankyou Carolyn, so kind to reach out :hugs:

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AlexisRea,

I am definitely one of whom you mention in your post :heehee: and what you have written is so true.

My wife knows of my dressing, she is not keen but we communicate. I can't look for support from her as yet unfortunately :sad:

[Rachael Leigh]

Tammy without question most of our fears are in our minds, and not just about this aspect of girls like us.
I’m 6”2 a bit tall and up close I know I don’t pass. Once I got out there and nothing happened it just became quite normal
Not saying that is what will happen for you but unless you go out you will never know.
I think your plan is sound too, it’s good to know where your going and just enjoy it

[mykell]

ok tamsin you got this,

you have needs all laid out, so just do it (yea i know) most of what you will fear will be inside your head.

if you encounter any negative static just go about your business, more than likely you wont have any.
if you feel uncomfortable about something just pull out your cellphone and look at it.

one day while walking through the mall i came up upon a group of teens, i just ducked into a store, while there i checked out some stuff but it was one of those that was too young for me.

when in a dept store most people use them as entrances, so if i wanted to avoid someone i would wiggle through the racks of clothes.
one thing you will like is seeing your reflections in store windows and mirrors affirming that you belong.

have a shot (or 2) of tequila before bed to calm those nerves, best defense is our magic smile, who could do anything to harass a happy girl....

[Micki_Finn]

Don’t overthink it! Just go DO it. On one hand it’s exhillerating to be out and publicly expressing youself. On the other hand you’re just as likely to come home and think to yourself “oh, that’s it?” We can build it up so much in our minds that we expect fireworks and dragons and all manner of fantastic happenings, but you’ll come to realize the only difference between going out dressed and not is that you can’t rub your eyes and the shoes are generally uncomfortable. :P

[Allisa]

O.K. everybody is going to hate me for saying this but gather that male strength and even some of that male ego and say I'm doing this NOW!!, then pull up your big girl panties and go out that door and be your femme self with a big smile and forget about everything in your way and get out of your head and into the fresh air and daylight. Don't make me fly over there and drag you out kicking and screaming(like I really would, I'm too cheap) your ready just do it!! O.K. let the Lisa bashing begin.

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Allisa! Just do it and you will be amazed and wonder why you did not do it before this! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Becky Blue]

Tamsin, you have got to get out Girl.... it is the most amazing experience ever!!! I had my first makeover in Feb 2005 and saw the real me for the first time. From that moment i had a strong need to go out, i did that 2 months later, I do not have the words to explain how incredible that experience was. Since then I have managed to go out 25 times and each occasion has been amazing in its own way. My most recent outing was just 2 weeks ago and I am planning my next one.

Why do some of us feel such a strong need to go out? Maybe its the ultimate confirmation of who and what we are.. maybe we are just thrill seekers :)
I have concluded that most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they barely glance at a tall woman and 99% of people will not process that glance.

Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen? then ask yourself how would you deal with that? and then get out that door. Given you will be around lots of people and 'safe' the worst that can happen is someone picking you and reacting badly and being rude, so what? just ignore them. SA's and the like that you interact with will in the main be very nice and really won't care, you are most likely not their first.

Just one word of caution, going out is not like ticking an item off your to do list, it is opening up a new world, you will be hooked for life..

[Taylor Dame]

I agree with Allisa and Micki_Finn. I too had your mixed feelings, and at 6-feet tall know I don't pass. But I forced myself to go out. I started by taking daylight drives through the city, and then out to malls. Was I nervous? Of course. But once out, I found that it was no big deal. Most people don't pay much attention to other shoppers, and at a distance i do look natural. I soon interacted with sales staff who could easily read me up close and hear my deep voice, but was treated well. I only go to places I deem safe, dress to blend, and generally try to avoid close contact with teenagers in groups, but truly enjoy my time out. Try it, you'll like it!

[franlee]

I believe Stephanie47 has pretty well covered it. With that said I followed almost the same procedures throughout my longtime dressing experiences. But we are here in America. I for one have no idea of the different environment of the UK would affect me. I can tell you this, as much as I have explored and enjoyed I wish that when I was younger I had indulged more. That includes going out on my own. I have almost always had my wife or GF with me as a crutch to do the talking and generally to cover or correct any mistakes. And as I have advised so many times when ever you can always get pictures, one day you will be glad you did.

[Helen_Highwater]

Tamsin,

I can only speak from my own personal experience. Over the years I've done the late night drives, quick strolls to the postbox or cash point. I've done the late night window shopping and drive through meals. All exciting, adrenaline fuelled experiences but ultimately not really fulfilling.

Fast forward to the day I went out in day light and walked into a department store. That was one of the best days of my life. One I will treasure. Since then I've shopped numerous times, been to the cinema, traveled by bus, train, taxi, dined in hotel restaurants and store cafe's, used the ladies, met other CD'ers, interacted with so many "muggles" I've lost count.

Ninety five plus percent of those I've meet have been absolutely accepting of meeting a CD'er. There have, and it would be wrong of me to say otherwise, one or two who have been less than welcoming. However that disdain has been no more than a SA in a petrol station calling me "Mate". Someone else referred to me as "Buddy". Compared to the wonderful interactions I've had with so many others I'll take the few idiots as just move on. Water off this ducks back.

You've written "Fast forward a few years and I'm now in a position where I feel my 'look' will be enough to allow me to experience this I hope.". I know I don't pass but I can blend. Looking at your avatar you have a head start on me. Have that confidence. Pick a retail park. The busier the better. You can hide in a crowd. Park up, take a deep breath, step out he car, pull up your big girl knickers, straighten your hair, head up and walk into Next, M&S, whatever takes your fancy. Your heart will be racing, but that will soon pass. Act calmly and browse the racks. You may get an odd sideways looks. Accept it, it's always going to happen but it's amazing just how often I've walked through a shopping mall and those around me just walk on by, too busy in their own lives to notice me.

I decided long ago I didn't want to end up on my death bed saying, "I wish I'd....". I can only end by urging you take the plunge. It's a wonderful world out there. Don't let it pass you by.

[Beverley Sims]

For me, the magic time in going out was between seventeen and thirty, after that the rot set in. :-)

Get out whilst you can and enjoy life.

[Glenda58]

I miss going out. Before I was remarried I use to go out every day. Church every Sunday meeting during the week shopping for food or cloths. Working around the house in the yard. The more you go out the easier it gets. I plan on a trip in a few weeks. When I come back home from Tennessee to Michigan I'll be dressed the whole time buying gas going to eat and maybe a casino.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I haven't had a bad outing, but the first few times were a messy compilation of fight or flight.

I almost couldn't keep my legs from shaking, but the brain felt like it was a better high than any recreational drug.

[IleneD]

Tammy,

Going out is absolutely a must-do event.
Think of it. You've been living, trapped inside You for a long time. Now you've COME out. Time now to GO out. In my opinion and tracking my own evolving Femme Life, the step of taking the Real You out into the Real World so you can fully be yourself is a necessary and normal step in your growth as a woman.
Bless your heart for your courage and resolve. Like I told my brother a few weeks ago when I came out to him (huge surprise, BTW); "It takes a real man to wear a dress. If you want to see how much guts you have, put on a dress and go out in public. I dare you." He got the point.

Going out is liberating. I too find it difficult to explain WHY I am compelled to go out and about. My wife hates it. She wants "it" to stay mostly at home and with discretion. I, however, want to go, go, go, and just be Me. That's probably a personal indicator for me that my "condition" isn't just about dressing or wearing the clothes. It runs much deeper to my sense of being (a woman). I've gotten to the point in my infrequent outings that it is quite natural. I know I don't pass (at 6'3"/215 lb) but I'm relaxed in not pushing it or trying "too hard". I dress in everyday casual, and as much like the GG's my age as possible. And it's just Me going about running my errands as Ilene.... just being me. I almost don't even think about it. In fact, the most thinking about it comes when I am looking forward to my next full-dress outing.

Lord help me. I love it so. I love living as a woman. I know it shouldn't be so, but it is; and it's wonderful. It simply feels rights.

[kimdl93]

Of course, you'll be fine. We all remember our first time....stepping out into the larger world. We all expected the world to stop turning, etc. For a moment, perhaps it did seem to, as each of us had that moment of hyperawareness that comes with stepping into the unknown.

Then, its over, the world keeps on spinning, and you can begin to feel comfortable, even a bit confident in your presentation. Before long, that self consciousness begins to fade, you realize that many people simply take you at "face" value, and many more don't notice you at all. Those who make eye contact will smile politely or knowingly. A few will steal a furtive glance and look away out of their own fear or whatever. But by and large the part of the universe you inhabit will soon feel very safe and far more interesting to explore.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I forgot. The first time I was out dressed, I went to the Maryland Renaissance Faire. I rented a wench costume there, and a GG laced me nto it.

There must have been 10,000 people there, and hardly anyone gave ne a second look.

There were a number of GGs who caught on quickly, and they either gave me a big wide smile that I returned, or a thumbs up.

One of the clothing vendors asked me where I bought my cincher.

One of the food vendors even called me "m'lady".

That was about 10 years ago, and I still remember parts of it like they happened yesterday.

[TheHiddenMe]

The term the poker players use is "pot committed"; they have to stay in a hand.

In October 2016 I was planning an outing. The Thursday before, I went (in drag) into the Sephora store and booked a makeover for the following Tuesday, and then went to the nextdoor Nordstrom to see about trying on dresses. Both experiences were positive.

Then on Monday I booked a manicure at the local Beauty Brands. I figured that if I got my nails done, I couldn't back out of going out for the makeover and dress-up session. I told the nail tech my plans, and she was actually excited for me (and I was so pumped I went back later that night dressed to buy the nail polish she had put on my nails).

The Tuesday makeover/dress-up couldn't have gone better. The next day I went to a wig store (dressed), bought a new wig, and went back to the Nordstrom to try (and buy) two dresses I had tried on the day before. The first dress I bought is still my favorite, and I made friends with the SA who helped me.

So plan it out, and do something that makes you pot committed, so you can't back out. Then go, with no regrets.

Worked BIG TIME for me.

[BrendaPDX]

I actually envy you having your first outing, you will be fine. But the excitement, fear, and adrenaline rush were almost narcotic/euphoric to me. Be safe, it isn't such a bad world out there. Let us know how it goes. Brenda

[Rhonda Jean]

I never dressed to stay in. I started going out in the '70's with the advantages of being young, skinny, and long hair. I think it was easier to pass back then because transgender wasn't on anybody's radar. That being said, I did some silly things in the name of getting out. Going to convenience store after convenience store (sometimes a half dozen or more in an evening), the laundromat, other places where I could be out but only encounter a couple of people.

I also was not and am not all or nothing. Ever since I was a kid, the hair salon has been a sanctuary or a safe space for me. Even before I started going to the salon dressed I was always comfortable getting my hair done in whatever feminine style I wanted, usually a roller set. Starting when I was a teenager and could drive, I'd wear earrings (which no male did back then), maybe a little makeup or what have you.

Point of all this is, although I always technically went out, it was gradual. There's a big difference between what I was doing and going out and living life as a woman. Still is, really. I'm still selective, just not as much so. Small steps is my advice.

I can't imaging that anyone who ever stepped out the door ever going back to staying in. Still, this does not have to be something that carries on at a constant trajectory. You can retreat at any time that you want, and not feel bad about it. Everybody has to find their own level, and whatever level you find doesn't make you any better or any worse that anybody else.