I Can't Shut Her Down

[Sophia Rearen]

No, it's not a line from Star Trek. In my particular case, I'm talking about my second self, Sophia. Do to work requirements I have tried to shut down that side of me. Through a girlfriend, I have discovered and I have learned I can't shut Sophia down. I need to coexist with her. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I enjoy that side of myself. However, I need to support a family and a new dependant, Sophia, as well. So, another conflict added to the list in my life. Anyone else feels the same?

[barbie lanai]

The idea of an extra dependent has some merit during the tax season. I guess the IRS would say you are eating for one, even if buying clothes for two.

[Wendy me]

lol i have gone abought a week tops with out being Wendy and it dame near drove me crazy (short trip) ... all i can say is hold on and enjoy the ride ... there is no getting out alive.,......

[linnea]

I feel the same way, Sophia! I can't shut Linnea down, but I've got career and family considerations that stifle her. So far I haven't found a solution except to make Linnea's time seem like the visits from a beloved relative who lives too far away to visit frequently. The trouble is that she keeps her clothes at my house!

[Annaliese]

I teach and I find it helpfull, I can relate to both my male and female students I let both side of me work as one. It works for me.

Anna

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Sophia

Well, I'm sure by now you realize that you can't shut down who you are, it's like trying to close a door while your foot's in the way. In other words, it hurts. To me, life has always been a high wire act, and I work without a net, so the key to success is balance, balance, balance. I don't know, I feel after all this time that we've been here together that you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and such, I do believe you'll figure this out okay and do well by it.

Karen

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Sophia

I feel like I can't shut Lisa down either. I'm about to move back in with my parents so that I can finance going back to school for a PhD in Psychology (I want to go into counseling) and unless I'm required to reside at the school I wind up attending, I'll be living with them for the next 6 to 8 years. I have trouble getting along with them at times and they don't know about Lisa. They seem to respond to my problems when I bring one to them by offering solutions (which I guess most men want) but I hate it when they give me solutions. I just want them to listen (which I guess is much more typical of women)!

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do; I just know that I want to go back to school and now is my chance.

Good luck to us both!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Cathy Anderson]

I have discovered and I have learned I can't shut Sophia down. I need to coexist with her. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I enjoy that side of myself. However, I need to support a family
Suggestion: enlist Sophia's interest and help in taking care of your family ;)

[Alexandria]

Hi Sophia

I feel like I can't shut Lisa down either. I'm about to move back in with my parents so that I can finance going back to school for a PhD in Psychology (I want to go into counseling) and unless I'm required to reside at the school I wind up attending, I'll be living with them for the next 6 to 8 years. I have trouble getting along with them at times and they don't know about Lisa. They seem to respond to my problems when I bring one to them by offering solutions (which I guess most men want) but I hate it when they give me solutions. I just want them to listen (which I guess is much more typical of women)!

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do; I just know that I want to go back to school and now is my chance.

Good luck to us both!

Hugs,
Lisa

I hear ya, as a college student myself about to move with mom and sis to Seattle, I am going to be closeted for a few years (I wish I had full independence, but supporting my mom after a terrible divorce). I doubt I'll have much free time to live as Alexandria, but it makes those quiet private moments when I am home alone extra special.

[Ms. Donna]

No, it's not a line from Star Trek. In my particular case, I'm talking about my second self, Sophia. Do to work requirements I have tried to shut down that side of me. Through a girlfriend, I have discovered and I have learned I can't shut Sophia down. I need to coexist with her. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I enjoy that side of myself. However, I need to support a family and a new dependant, Sophia, as well. So, another conflict added to the list in my life. Anyone else feels the same?

Hi Sophia,

Perhaps the hardest part of all of this is the recognition and acceptance that there is no 'second self' - it is just you. We (the TG/CD contingent) have this habit of sectioning off the non-gender conforming feeling we have and christening them as this 'other' person. We do this because it allows us to rationalize the feelings and actions as those of someone else. One only need read the accounts of those who, while in there 'femme' persona will do things that they wouldn't whilst in drab to see this.

On the one hand, you have Mr. Rearen the ‘regular guy' doing all those things a guy is supposed to do: husband, father, provider - and then there is Sophia. She is, for all intents and purposes, another person with her own personality, likes and interests. It seems only logical to look at them as two separate people. Sophia can do all the things that Mr. Rearen can not or will not do. She can be pretty, and preoccupied with her hair… engrossed in all the stereotypical trappings of femininity. She can be and do all the things that, given the opportunity, Mr. Rearen would probably like to do as well.

The problem here is that both of these people inhabit the same body – the same mind. They are, in fact, the same person. There is no point where Mr. Rearen ends and Sophia begins. Whether you realize it or not, both personae each silently effects the other.

Now I can tell you this and you can say you understand it but until it clicks for you, you’re not going to change the paradigm under which you are operating – you will still see Mr. Rearen and Sophia being at odds with each other. The trouble here is that there is no easy way to make it click – there is no ten easy steps to self integration and acceptance guidelines.

For me, the process started with me first identifying as a ‘regular guy’ with a kinky side. The ‘regular guy’ part was important as it made me just like everyone else – something I had always longed to feel. That all fell apart in 1997 when I ‘gave birth’ to Donna. Donna was now the embodiment of all these ‘other’ feelings – she was my ‘femme’ side and somehow separate. I then came to realize that the feeling I had as ‘Donna’ weren’t much different than the feelings I had the rest of the time – it was a matter of recognizing them for what they were and accepting them as such. Ultimately, ‘Donna’ as a distinct persona disappeared and now there is only me – my thoughts, feelings, likes and desires. I got to where I am through a lot of introspection, philosophy and discussion – using forums like these to bounce ideas around as I sorted out my life.

As you have already realized, you can not ‘shut Sophia down’ – many have tried and most all have failed. Sure, you can put her away for a while – maybe even a long while – but ultimately she’ll come knocking at the door again and you’ll have no option but to let her back in. To deny Sophia is to deny yourself – to understand Sophia is to understand yourself.

What you need to do is understand who and what Sophia represents and how to integrate that ‘part’ of you with the rest. Maybe it means you need a night a week to get all ‘dolled up’ – maybe one weekend a month – maybe it means you need to be able to express this somehow on a daily basis (my situation.) Whatever it is, you need to understand and accept this and work out a balance between you and your family. It’s not easy, but then nothing of any value ever is.

I won’t pretend to have this all sorted out in my own life, but so far I’ve been able strike a workable balance - not perfect - but workable. You can as well, it’s just not going to happen over night and it will take some woodshedding on your part.

I'm happy to share more in detail if you want. Just shoot me a PM or Email.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Laurie Ann]

Yah what Donna said. She said more completely than I ever could. I also have the same conflict. If you figure this out let us all know.

[KarenNY]

Donna, you have definitely hit this square on the head for me! I would have said exactly the same thing, but perhaps not as eloquently! Sophia, I hope you are able to integrate somwhat the two sides of your personality -- I know it's been difficult for me! I have the same family pressures and stresses as you do -- to be a husband, father, provider, etc, but still have the need to dress... you know my e-mail if you want to correspond!

*HUGS*

[Teresa Amina]

Yes, Donna has it right, both aspects are YOU and can't be ignored! Ever seen a situation where a child is being ignored by a parent? In some way that is like ourselves when we try to close out the Other. She's just going to make sure you notice she's there! Be good to yourself and let her have her say sometimes.

[suzanne claire]

I understand your concern but also wonder why you cannot merely incorporate her into all other aspects of your life rather than approaching a point where you would even need to consider a method of disassociation. I know from your great posts on her adventures that Sophia is a rich expressive facet of your life.It would seem that to shut her down would remove a very vital,part of who you are as a person.Perhaps you could reserve time each week to let her continue to have adventures.As with anything we do moderation is always the best approach .Life is a journey to determine who we are and how we desire to live.:cool:

[natasha]

Sophia I am in the same boat!!!! Donna thank you for your wonderful insight as Natasha is becoming more and more prevelent every day. I am not complaining at all mind you, but I do wonder how far Natasha is going to take over.

[Raychel]

I am just like everyone else here apparently. I have tried to keep Raychel away at times. Partly to make my wife a little happier, she really does not like it all that much. For the last month I have been going to bed in mens underwear. Almost always in the night I get up and change into more comfortable underwear.

So for me it is just, Get over it and Get used to it, cause it is here to stay. Raychel now has control. Make time for her or just like any woman she will make your life miserable.

[suanne]

I find it is very hard to keep focused and put Suanne where she belongs in my life. It seems to be about balance. If my mind is on Suanne, well she gets the time and attention. She can be very demanding and I must keep her under control. Through the years I have been able to do that most of the time. But I have also tried many, many times to get rid of Suanne. She has been in dumpsters, trash cans, Goodwill, Salvation Army, twice thrown in the river, kept in the trunk of my car, jammed between the ceiling rafters, shared a tool box with my tools, held in a five gallon can in the storage shed, and now stuffed into old ammo cans and locked in a gun safe. But with all that said I have found out that I can't get rid of, or stop ME. I just had a near death experience and a lot of things went throuh my mind in a few minutes. One of the first things was....my family will find Suanne hidden at home. I decided to quit me. Well instead of throwing Suanne out again I decided to keep her around and just forget about dressing for awhile. Awhile lasted 4 days and she was out of hiding and we had a great time together. I been through this routine for over 50 years. Sure glad Suanne is so understanding, just wish my wife was. So......I believe dressing is a part of us. I then would say that like anything else in our lives we must practice control and put things in proper order of importance. I have a very busy life style and a very demanding job but I can always find time for Suanne. In fact the longer I am away from dressing the more I love it when I can. When I was younger and had three kids running around the house it was quite a bit of a challange to find dressing time, but I did. If there is a will....there is a way. Sophia you are a smart girl and I know you will find time for this part of yourself. Just hang in there and jump on the opportunity to enjoy your Sophia time. (And there will be time.)

Suanne

[ChristineRenee]

You can't shut down that which is a part of you Sophia. Then you are in denial of who and what you are.;)

[Sophia Rearen]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and help. I will respond more later. Recovering from a cold and I have to work. I love this place and you all. Nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings and situation as well.

[Tina Dixon]

I have all so posted some thing like this wondering where it will end is this what it's all about being confussed?

[Gemma Rhodes]

Hi Sophia,

The other girls have said it all. You can't just shut "her" off as she is part of you and makes you the person that you are. I am lucky that I have no partner or dependants so I can only imagine the dilemma you are in.

Im sure you will work this out as you have always come across to me as a lovely person with your head screwed on the right way. :happy:

Take care.

[Alexandria]

As a new CDer having just started last year (but have had tendancies long before), naturally I have my doubts about Alexandria and similar to Suanne, she's been through a lot. In the course of one day, her favorite clothes were doused with chocolate, cut up with scissors, even drenched in spaghetti. I looked for any way to get rid of her and keep my masculine identity intact.

I kept her away for a few months, but the urges came back. Alexandria again started looking at fashion catalogues, sketching pictures of her "ideal" outfit. I begin to wonder...is this a lifestyle, something that is a part of me? Or is it an addiction, similar to drugs and alcohol?

Those questions I haven't been able to answer, society labels it as a curable mental illness. I label myself as someone who likes to dress up as a female. But no matter how many purges I doubt I'll ever get rid of Alexandria.

[Deborah]

I have discovered and I have learned I can't shut Sophia down. I need to coexist with her. Anyone else feels the same?

Yes i'm in a similar situation. I can't be Deborah 24/7 unfortunantly so i have to be my male side then Deborah whenever i get the chance. Not by choice or what i really want in life, but i have to deal with it.

[wendy]

you mentioned "sometimes more, sometimes less", I can totally relate.

When I was single, I could be wendy practically anytime i wanted. Living with my parents at the time, they were usually at work when I had free time so wendy could come out to play often.

Now that I'm not single anymore, my common law wife is home all the time, and the few precious moments I do get to myself is far and few between. After reading posts from everyone else, I realized I can't shut wendy out of my life totally, and like you she has to co-exist "sometimes more, sometimes less".:happy:

[kittypw GG]

Hi Sophia,

Perhaps the hardest part of all of this is the recognition and acceptance that there is no 'second self' - it is just you. We (the TG/CD contingent) have this habit of sectioning off the non-gender conforming feeling we have and christening them as this 'other' person. We do this because it allows us to rationalize the feelings and actions as those of someone else. One only need read the accounts of those who, while in there 'femme' persona will do things that they wouldn't whilst in drab to see this.

On the one hand, you have Mr. Rearen the ‘regular guy' doing all those things a guy is supposed to do: husband, father, provider - and then there is Sophia. She is, for all intents and purposes, another person with her own personality, likes and interests. It seems only logical to look at them as two separate people. Sophia can do all the things that Mr. Rearen can not or will not do. She can be pretty, and preoccupied with her hair… engrossed in all the stereotypical trappings of femininity. She can be and do all the things that, given the opportunity, Mr. Rearen would probably like to do as well.

The problem here is that both of these people inhabit the same body – the same mind. They are, in fact, the same person. There is no point where Mr. Rearen ends and Sophia begins. Whether you realize it or not, both personae each silently effects the other.

Now I can tell you this and you can say you understand it but until it clicks for you, you’re not going to change the paradigm under which you are operating – you will still see Mr. Rearen and Sophia being at odds with each other. The trouble here is that there is no easy way to make it click – there is no ten easy steps to self integration and acceptance guidelines.

For me, the process started with me first identifying as a ‘regular guy’ with a kinky side. The ‘regular guy’ part was important as it made me just like everyone else – something I had always longed to feel. That all fell apart in 1997 when I ‘gave birth’ to Donna. Donna was now the embodiment of all these ‘other’ feelings – she was my ‘femme’ side and somehow separate. I then came to realize that the feeling I had as ‘Donna’ weren’t much different than the feelings I had the rest of the time – it was a matter of recognizing them for what they were and accepting them as such. Ultimately, ‘Donna’ as a distinct persona disappeared and now there is only me – my thoughts, feelings, likes and desires. I got to where I am through a lot of introspection, philosophy and discussion – using forums like these to bounce ideas around as I sorted out my life.

As you have already realized, you can not ‘shut Sophia down’ – many have tried and most all have failed. Sure, you can put her away for a while – maybe even a long while – but ultimately she’ll come knocking at the door again and you’ll have no option but to let her back in. To deny Sophia is to deny yourself – to understand Sophia is to understand yourself.

What you need to do is understand who and what Sophia represents and how to integrate that ‘part’ of you with the rest. Maybe it means you need a night a week to get all ‘dolled up’ – maybe one weekend a month – maybe it means you need to be able to express this somehow on a daily basis (my situation.) Whatever it is, you need to understand and accept this and work out a balance between you and your family. It’s not easy, but then nothing of any value ever is.

I won’t pretend to have this all sorted out in my own life, but so far I’ve been able strike a workable balance - not perfect - but workable. You can as well, it’s just not going to happen over night and it will take some woodshedding on your part.

I'm happy to share more in detail if you want. Just shoot me a PM or Email.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

Sorry for quoting your whole reply but I just got so excited about what you said.

I am married to a person with this conflict and so I have this conflict. Both of us are trying to understand and accept. I have been accepting to varying degrees but I really never understood. My husband uses the terms boy mode and girl mode and really this is what I don't understand. Either you like something or you don't, it should not depend on what you are wearing. You really are you.

If my husband would think this way Donna I think that it would be easy to understand and accept for the both of us. He could settle down and live his life with out conflict. I think we could gain the balance that it really takes to maintain a partnership. If the relatives are here from out of town and you can't dress, what is the point of tainting the weekend because you can't stop thinking about dressing? If you understood that your female self is still who you are which ever way you are dressed then you could relax and enjoy the encounter without dissapointment. On the other hand if we both had gained this understanding then when my husband is dressed up to the nines and looking pretty then I can feel confident that he/she is still my partner and the conflict would not be upsetting because he is a whole person regardless of what he happens to be wearing.

Along with acceptance comes good judgment and inner peace. Thanks for turning on the light bulb for me. I will bring this post to my husbands attention. I think you hit the nail on the head. Kitty

[carol ann]

Shut down? I've closed the lid so many times that I have lost count and emptied the trunk on numerous occasions or hidden it the darkest recesses of the loft.

And life doesn't help. Each time I start to open the lid, something happens in ones existence - a family event, a work promotion, a responsible role in a charity or even at church which seems to say "hey Girl, can you really be doing this". "How many people will you be messing up if you take it much further"..

But ,of course, as almost everyone here seems to know, the lid never stays shut for long and each time it opens, the hinges of the lid get less well oiled and it become harder to shut. One day the lid may fall off and who know what will happen then!

[Ms. Donna]

Sorry for quoting your whole reply but I just got so excited about what you said.

I am married to a person with this conflict and so I have this conflict. Both of us are trying to understand and accept. I have been accepting to varying degrees but I really never understood. My husband uses the terms boy mode and girl mode and really this is what I don't understand. Either you like something or you don't, it should not depend on what you are wearing. You really are you.

Hi Kitty,

Something that helped both me and my wife with this was a halloween party in 1998. We went to a party that some of our friends were having and it was the first time that she's ever been out anywhere with me 'dressed up'. She helped do my hair and makeup and was surprised at how well it came out (there is a pic here (http://cydathria.com/images/ms_donna/pics/halloween1998.jpg).) People at the party were floored that I'd have the guts to do drag - seeing as I was the only one.

We had a pretty good time at the party and my wife opinion of me that evening was that I wasn't any different 'dressed up' than I usually am. This really helped to reinforce this for me and it was good for her to see it for herself.


If my husband would think this way Donna I think that it would be easy to understand and accept for the both of us. He could settle down and live his life with out conflict.

Like I said, you can't 'decide' this, it just has to click. It takes some work but it's worth the effort.


Along with acceptance comes good judgment and inner peace. Thanks for turning on the light bulb for me. I will bring this post to my husbands attention. I think you hit the nail on the head.

I hope it helps and the best to you both!


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Tina]

Sophia, hang in there and things will work out. They usually do.
Also, you must have the strength in your convictions. Please do so and it
will make it easier on you.

Take Care, Tina

[Joy Carter]

Kitty I have only been a member for a short time but I have read your past posts and I have kinda taken to you. I view you as one special lady not closing up and ignoring such an upset to the family. You have great courage and love for your man that you are willing to share it with others. You are right that there is not two persons here but one. Like the rest of us we live behind closed doors when all I realy want to do is go out and live life as women sometimes. Is that so bad that my personality and soul would erk others to be hostile and down right mean. This is the age of tolerance but I don't think gender tolerance will come along soon I hope I'm wrong. Kitty I respect and love you please never leave our company. Go with grace and Gods company.

Joy Carter

[Jolene]

I do Sophia ..... I coexist with Jolene ....... Is nice to look at the world through her eyes sometimes and her emotions as well. Much as Sophia is a part of you ... Jolene is a part of me always and i just think of her as my twin sis .....

[Jolene]

Kitty I have only been a member for a short time but I have read your past posts and I have kinda taken to you. I view you as one special lady not closing up and ignoring such an upset to the family. You have great courage and love for your man that you are willing to share it with others. You are right that there is not two persons here but one. Like the rest of us we live behind closed doors when all I realy want to do is go out and live life as women sometimes. Is that so bad that my personality and soul would erk others to be hostile and down right mean. This is the age of tolerance but I don't think gender tolerance will come along soon I hope I'm wrong. Kitty I respect and love you please never leave our company. Go with grace and Gods company.

Joy Carter



I agree Joy .... You have a nice way of describing this ... Jolene

[Jolene]

Thanx for such honesty Carol Ann. I have a ways to go here with all of this but a friend as you will be such an example .... Thanx ... Jolene

[Jolene]

Thanx Carol Ann for your honesty. This will be so much easier for me having friends as you here. Feel free to chat anytime ........ Sure there may be conflict sometimes ........ but we all will make it through .... Jolene