To tell or not to tell

[Susan Albright]

Guilt and fear drives us to hide our female side from our SO's
Is it better to continue to hide this as I can dress when traveling on business and she is none the wiser
Or should I face the music and share this with the person who has shared my life for over 30 years
I know the answer but I need to confirm my thoughts and would appreciate any advice on how to do it

[dana 1]

If your wife is your best friend and soul mate tell her, but if you haven't told her in 30 years I don't think your soul mates.

[Teri Ray]

I cannot provide advice to anyone else as everyone has their own particular situation. I honestly believe there is no one right answer for everyone. I can say for my own personal situation having been through hiding, DADT and full disclosure that honest open conversation was my best decision. It was not easy, it was uncomfortable, it was awkward, but in the end it was the best decision I ever made with respect to my dressing desire. The big talk occurred after 40 years of marriage. I can say with positive truth that my wife and I are very much closer and happier now than ever. For my wife, the fact that I did not fully share my desire to crossdress with her was something that left her to wonder about and she felt that not knowing and not understanding was not good. She loved me before she knew I was a crossdresser and she came to understand that I remained the same person before and after we had the talk. So I figure that if you are a good person with a secret you likely remain a good person with your wife knowing you are a crossdresser. Our desire to crossdress does not change our character.

My comment is not advice its just my thoughts and experience. Best wishes to you and your decision.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I know the answer but I need to confirm my thoughts and would appreciate any advice on how to do it

Unfortunately this is one of those things that is very hard for people to advise on; it's just such a personal decision to make.
This is by no means meant to be advice, but I've been around here and other places long enough to have seen it happen; it goes like this:.........

Good intentions by well meaning folks, who also happen to be the types that think everyone of us HAS to come out, will tell some person who has asked the same thing you have--Yes you must tell her.

A week later that person comes back and posts that he's been told to pack up and leave.

If you do decide to, read the sticky at the forum heading for tips. Be well prepared and don't let the situation escalates which it usually does; be honest!

I'm single and I do know one thing for sure, I've promised myself that I will never go into any possible relationship in the future hiding who and what I am.
And I have done so.

Best wishes,
Cass

[Tracy Irving]

It never hurts to drop little hints or steer conversations in the direction of discovering her tolerance for crossdressing.

[OCCarly]

You know your wife. You know her politics and her social mores. You know her values. If she cares more about her reputation than she does about you, or if she is on the evangelical side of religious, then you may be headed for trouble. If she has a lot invested in you being a manly man, then there may be trouble.

OTOH, if she is kind, considerate, secure in herself, and not afraid to stand up for the less fortunate then you will most likely be okay.

Use your best judgment.

Hugs, Carly.

[bridget thronton]

For myself - telling her was the right thing to do (no more lying needed for me)

[Alice B]

Al I can say is that if you have been married for 30 years- she knows

[Lydianne]

Another one here that's gonna duck giving you direct advice, mainly because I'm not married, but also because everyone's SO is different. Therefore, without knowing her, it's difficult to give advice.

What Cassandra Lynn said about not getting into a marriage as anything other than true self applies to me as well. I decided this at the age of 16. I had light relationships in my youth, but I made no attempt at family life.

Sometimes, whether during times of enlightenment or clouded judgement, I wonder how putting on the 'wrong' clothes can terminate a marriage :idontknow:. Seems a bit disproportionate :confused:. A splinter also shouldn't hurt as much as it does, but it is what it is :straightface:.

What I will say, though, is that if you decide not to tell, then do not get caught. At the moment, you have full control. Getting caught surrenders all of it and more.

- Lydianne.

[DaisyLawrence]

If your wife is your best friend and soul mate tell her, but if you haven't told her in 30 years I don't think your soul mates.

:yt: a good point!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Susan,
I can totally relate to you’re situation �� ,
or at least your line of questioning, and I won’t
bore you with my memoirs.

But what I will do...

Is ask you if you’ve considered how often you
find “the need” to dress, and how, and or when,
you think you’ll be able to dress when you’re
no longer going on those “business” trips?

I can say...being open about this part of YOU
with your SO may become something as simple
to you as not having to explain that random
bright red false nail that she happens to find
under the bed, as well as many of the other
stresses that come along with the fear of
“being caught”.
(BTW, They’re completely gone afterwards!)
Orrrrr???
It could turn into something VERY special!

You say you already know your answer.
After 30 some years, are ya sure? ?? Ha ha !

Soooo...your question then is, or should be.....
How do I tell? How to tell?

Simple, right? Just follow the directions, step by step,
as laid out in the “stickies” Piece of cake!
Honestly, in hindsight, there’s very good advice posted
there. You just need to have the right mindset to accept
what you’re reading, AND THEN, figure out how it might
apply to YOUR situation.

Any further questions? Please direct them to my PM box.
Always here to....help?
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Beverley Sims]

If you think there is some positive response tell your wife, but after thirty years of deceit you will just have to work out the worth of telling.

Do you want to continue in a happy marriage?

I would work on it if I were you, deceit after thirty years 'aint much fun.

[sara66]

Only you can have an idea of how your wife will react. After 30 years and a solid marriage the worst that can happen is DADT. unless she is a crazy. The hardest part for my wife is she felt like she would lose the mane she married. When I explained I started dressing when I was 4 or 5 she started to understand ( a little). My wife was stunned and shock, but we talked for several hour. She s ok with me dressing as long as she doesn't have to see me.
To sum up unless you wife is crazy, I would pull off the band aid
Good luck,
Sara.

[Judy-Somthing]

I've been married for 37 years and when I joined this site I started to feel better about myself so I told my wife about my cross-dressing!
It didn't go well for me/us!

She took the news pretty bad and said she expects me to stop.
I stopped for two years and now the Pink Fog is coming back and I constantly think about dressing.

I was just thinking yesterday about how my relationship with my wife is somewhat back to normal as long as there's no CDing!

For me it's back in the closet.

Good luck with your decision.

[mykell]

just some reading, it will always be a gamble


if you tell:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

if you keep it private:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224212-**GREAT-ADVISE**keep-a-record-in-your-stash**&highlight=

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

coming out to one's wife (i waited 27 years) is a huge gamble and all can say is good luck.
my wife had absolutely no clue that i was a crossdresser and had a nervous breakdown over it.
she has become somewhat tolerant(7 years on) and even comes to support group events
with me.
however i have lost her complete trust and our physical life no longer exists, as i said before
good luck sis.

[Micki_Finn]

You know what you need to do. There’s been a million threads here on this. There’s an entire sticky. Are you sure you’re not just stalling here?

[cdsamswife]

As the wife of a cd-er.... I know personally I felt much better after my husband told me he cd-ed..... There was always a nagging feeling that he was keeping something from me.... and as the others said... you know your wife best... if she isnt dramatic.... or crazy ( which i assume she is not...) I say.. tell her...

[sometimes_miss]

As always, stop and consider the worst possible consequences that can happen if you decide to come out. If you can accept the worst, then proceed. But don't under any circumstances let the pink cloud make you think your chances are good. Most women do not want anything to do with a crossdresser. The likelyhood of her smiling and joyfully agreeing to help dress you up, and take you out all dressed pretty, are virtually nil. I know, I know, you read the success stories here by happy crossdressers who've lucked out and lived the joy of finding that one in a million woman who actually enjoys dressing her man up as a pretty girl. But the chances of that are very, very slim, literally you are more likely to win the lottery than get a response like that. Much more likely, you will destroy who she believed you are, for all these years, and wind up in a don't ask, don't tell situation, where neither you nor her are happy with the situation.

Of course, the worst is also possible, divorce, being outed to all the world as most will consider a sexual deviant, a pervert, etc..

I can't provide accurate odds of what the chances are of each possible outcome. But I assure you, What you dream of happening, most likely will not.

That said, the question also remains, what do you wish to achieve by coming out at this point in your lives? Are you doing this to make her life better, of just to unburden yourself? What does she have to gain from all this? Is there some magic that will make her life better by this? Or will she be more likely stuck wondering about about her life being not what she thought it was all these years? Will she be concerned that others' might have known, and were silently thinking of what a fool she was to marry such a man?

Consider what this will do to everyone else, not just yourself.

Good luck whichever way you go with this.

And plan for the worst, because that's the more likely end scenario. Wishful thinking will not change that.

[Susan Albright]

Thanks to all of you that provided your insights.
I am preparing to have the"talk" with my wife
I will let you all know how it went.

[IleneD]

Susan,

I know your dilemma well.
I have a marriage of over 40 yrs and hid my femme side for most of the time quite well. In retirement a couple years ago the time didn't go so well and I was "caught" wearing a pair of outstanding pink & black lacy panties by the Wife. It led to The Talk.
I wish I would have had the initiative to "come out" to her on my own terms. The way things evolved were not healthy for our loving relationship. The TRUST issue was central; how could I have kept such a secret; and she felt like she no longer knew me in many ways.
The last couple years since have been a period of growth and communication. It hasn't been easy. Love prevails.

I recommend you find a way to tell your spouse on your own terms. There are plenty of account of forum members, and their collective wisdom has alway proven valuable to me. I think you can find a way to do it gently. (Go to the GG or SO threads). Besides, the part of my Femme Life I hated was the "need for secrecy and hiding myself. In time it will happen. You will tell on yourself or make a mistake in covering your tracks. Those are the worst circumstances to overcome when suddenly announcing this to your long term relationship.

Think it through. Select the words and methods carefully. Listen to the wisdom of your forum sisters.
My heart goes with you. Yours' is a familiar refrain.

[Brynna M]

Its nice to believe that honesty is the best policy etc but life is not that simple. You’re likely the person in the best position to decide if telling your secret will irreparably damage your marriage. Not all coming out stories are happy endings. Are you willing to risk that price for whatever freedom you think honesty will provide? I talked to my wife once before we got married. We are so deep into DADT that it might as well be a secret and I’ve decided that bringing it up ever again wouldn’t be worth the damage.

[tifftg]

Susan,

I can relate to many of the comments here. I had "successfully " kept my dressing a secret from my wife over 25 years. I had a sizable collection of clothes, wigs, heels, and makeup. If she would head out of town I would dress and certainly when I traveled for business Tiffanys items were a big part of my packing. I was in counseling wondering how far I would go along the journey. My counselor was encouraging me to tell my wife. I kept my secret until my one slip up. I didn't put a makeup brush away. Everything came spilling out. I thought oh good at least I am unburdened. We jointly met with my therapist where I shared I would like to go out more, not at all what my wife wanted to hear.

I decided my marriage was (is) very important to me and so we have a bit of a DADT but candidly her desire is DON'T. Some days are easier than others. Ten years later we are still together however there are times on the edge as she lost trust in my word and she hates that she feels trapped in staying married to me for the sake of our kids.

Not sure what I am recommending however Lydianne said it so well at this moment you have control.

Good luck from one Georgia girl to another. I wish you a happy outcome.

Tiffany

[Rhonda Jean]

I agree completely with sometimes_miss.

[Tracii G]

If she is the mean,hateful, bitchy, tries to run your life type don't tell her.
If she is the its all about her in the marriage and you don't matter deff don't tell her.
If she is kind and caring or always thinking of others maybe but you know her better than we do.
I feel bad for you married people and I am so glad to be single.

[Krea]

Hi Susan,
I wouldn't tell someone whether or not to come-out to their wife. That's a decision only the individual concerned can make as each relationship is different. So i am gonna sit on the fence and suggest two points to consider.

1. If you chose to come-out to your wife, that decision is irreversible and you are stuck with the consequences if it goes badly.

2. If your wife discovers your CDing by chance, it is likely to go even less well than if you told her in your own way. (You say your wife is none the wiser about your dressing, but this is a precarious position. Suppose you had a serious accident/illness whilst away.)

It's been a while since your last post on the thread, so maybe you have already decided. Whatever you did (or decide to do) i wish you all the best. :thumbsup:

[jamienoir]

as always, stop and consider the worst possible consequences that can happen if you decide to come out. If you can accept the worst, then proceed. But don't under any circumstances let the pink cloud make you think your chances are good. Most women do not want anything to do with a crossdresser. The likelyhood of her smiling and joyfully agreeing to help dress you up, and take you out all dressed pretty, are virtually nil. I know, i know, you read the success stories here by happy crossdressers who've lucked out and lived the joy of finding that one in a million woman who actually enjoys dressing her man up as a pretty girl. But the chances of that are very, very slim, literally you are more likely to win the lottery than get a response like that. Much more likely, you will destroy who she believed you are, for all these years, and wind up in a don't ask, don't tell situation, where neither you nor her are happy with the situation.

Of course, the worst is also possible, divorce, being outed to all the world as most will consider a sexual deviant, a pervert, etc..

I can't provide accurate odds of what the chances are of each possible outcome. But i assure you, what you dream of happening, most likely will not.

That said, the question also remains, what do you wish to achieve by coming out at this point in your lives? Are you doing this to make her life better, of just to unburden yourself? What does she have to gain from all this? Is there some magic that will make her life better by this? Or will she be more likely stuck wondering about about her life being not what she thought it was all these years? Will she be concerned that others' might have known, and were silently thinking of what a fool she was to marry such a man?

Consider what this will do to everyone else, not just yourself.

Good luck whichever way you go with this.

And plan for the worst, because that's the more likely end scenario. Wishful thinking will not change that.

aaaaaaaamen

[CONSUELO]

I told my wife before we were married. She accepted it and was still enthusiastic about being married. Afterwards she expressed her displeasure at my dressing and it has been a constant battle ever since. I dress openly at home and my wardrobe is not hidden but while nothing is said I still don't get the feeling of true acceptance.

After 30 years of hiding your dressing the shock factor will likely be huge. You have a big decision. One question to ask is what will you gain by telling as opposed to what you might lose.

[Tracii G]

I too would like to know what happened.
Guys have a tendency to screw up marriages by saying the wrong thing and not knowing its the wrong thing when they say it.
Also saying the wrong thing at the absolute wrong time.

[Teresa]

Susan,
Carrying on as you are will mean one day something could happen and you may be outed in a way far worse than just breaking the ice and just telling her. I wonder what she will feel and say to that. I appreciate we are in a no win situation we will probably be accused of lying and cheating eventually it's only a matter of time .

We shouldn't be made to feel guilty and ashamed of something we can do nothing about , most of us were born like it and we will live the rest of our lives with it, at some point you have to come to terms with it and that means being honest with ourselves and our partners/wives .

[AshleyWalker]

As always, stop and consider the worst possible consequences that can happen if you decide to come out. If you can accept the worst, then proceed. But don't under any circumstances let the pink cloud make you think your chances are good. Most women do not want anything to do with a crossdresser. The likelyhood of her smiling and joyfully agreeing to help dress you up, and take you out all dressed pretty, are virtually nil. I know, I know, you read the success stories here by happy crossdressers who've lucked out and lived the joy of finding that one in a million woman who actually enjoys dressing her man up as a pretty girl. But the chances of that are very, very slim, literally you are more likely to win the lottery than get a response like that. Much more likely, you will destroy who she believed you are, for all these years, and wind up in a don't ask, don't tell situation, where neither you nor her are happy with the situation.

Of course, the worst is also possible, divorce, being outed to all the world as most will consider a sexual deviant, a pervert, etc..

I can't provide accurate odds of what the chances are of each possible outcome. But I assure you, What you dream of happening, most likely will not.

That said, the question also remains, what do you wish to achieve by coming out at this point in your lives? Are you doing this to make her life better, of just to unburden yourself? What does she have to gain from all this? Is there some magic that will make her life better by this? Or will she be more likely stuck wondering about about her life being not what she thought it was all these years? Will she be concerned that others' might have known, and were silently thinking of what a fool she was to marry such a man?

Consider what this will do to everyone else, not just yourself.

Good luck whichever way you go with this.

And plan for the worst, because that's the more likely end scenario. Wishful thinking will not change that.

This is a GREAT reality check on the situation. I got caught and it wasn't pretty, lots of tears, and lots of false positives too. Those (False Positives) can be even more devastating than the original outing. Everything can seem OK for a while and then BOOM!

The nature of what we do is perceived, and some time very accurately, in very sexual terms. Sometimes as Fetish, sometimes as some type of deviancy, by people that don't do it. Couple that with the being sneaky part, or violation of trust and it is a real can of worms.

It is very possible that your fem side creates a feeling of inadequacy in your SO. She may think that you are going to your fem persona to obtain something that she cant give you, or that she doesn't look like that or act like that.

This is a HUGE deal and should never be taken lightly.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think you pays your money and takes your chances.

My wife know a guy in the small supermarket she goes to is trans to some degree. I have seen him, and from the first time I saw him, I thought he was trans, even though he was dressed fully male. After a while, he would come to work femme/androgynous. Talking to my wife about this, it was just "K" being K. When she found out that her husband was a CD, she went through the roof. When it was academic, it was fine. Once it was her husband, she told me to see someone and "get fixed".

We have settled into an uncomfortable DADT, but I'm not going back into the closet. It won't get better (she's barely changed at all in the 11 years she's known) and it still might end badly. You'd think that a husband who alway worked, brought in decent money, never abused either her or our daughter, mentally or physically, would get a pass on an unusual choice of clothing sometimes.

So, you never can tell.

[Tracii G]

The old saying "not in my backyard" right Steffi?

[Teresa]

Steffi,
Your last paragraph is something I often think about.

I did say to my wife that doing my best as her husband and father to her children was very hard at times when part of your being was somewhere else . When she just shrugged her shoulders I said maybe you'd like to try it , when part of you is being torn apart with shame and guilt . I've talked about my thoughts on DADT before but to me it's like hitting your head against a brick wall , at some point you have to find ways to work round it which means the lies and deceit get worse rather than better , the final outcome is we separated and now we're both happier people and get on fine .

[Tracii G]

Teresa they are your kids not just her kids.

[Babbs]

If your wife is your best friend and soul mate tell her, but if you haven't told her in 30 years I don't think your soul mates.

a bit unfair...everyone has some secret or thoughts that they don't share with everyone including soul mates. circumstances also can vary which determine what you can say and when you can say it.

[Angie G]

I dressed for years without my wife knowing. 13years ago I told me wife and have been dressing in front of her from that time with her help. She has giving me skirts dresses and things she didn't want or couldn't wear anymore. I don't know your wife so I can't say you should tell her or not.but it worked for me :hugs:

Angie

[kimdl93]

I can’t begin to say I know the answer.