Confused

[Steph_CD_62]

Not expecting a lot of responses, just need to put in writing what happened tonight.

As many know with crossdressing there are ups and downs. The last few days I have been kind of down and out, not sure why just get that way now and then.

My wife has always been supportive although she is not thrilled with my dressing. She has gone shopping with me, and even before she had her stroke she went out and bought me a lot of women's clothing for my birthday, and she had never done that on her own. My wife is basically still the same woman, about all that has changed is her thought process is slower and she has no movement in her right arm/hand and limited movement in her right leg.

Today while I was in the computer room checking my email and a couple of other things she stopped in and asked what was wrong. Why did I look and act kind of sad. I told her just the normal stuff. She asked what so I told her it was about my dressing, not being accepted by society (at least in our area). Well she said here in the house it is not public, but I told her I know she isn't thrilled with it so I don't dress as much because of her.

Then she said something that shocked me... "Then why don't I just give it up".

Her comment usually goes along with something like well just dress and don't worry about her. I told her if I just gave it up, I would think about it more and that probably wouldn't help my slight depression. She told me that after 17 years she is used to me dressing, and then I asked if she has just learned to ignore it and she said yes.

Not sure if how she feels about my dressing is changing or what. She doesn't seem to be in a bad mood, but she does seem to be in more physical pain than normal. She also seems to be snapping at me when things are going her way.

I know most will tell me just ask her what is going on, but since her stroke her mood swings are big on some days but most days they aren't that bad.

Again I don't expect a lot of responses, just needed to get this written down (vent).

[Tracii G]

Really don't know what to say but I wanted to let you know I took the time to read your post.
Sometimes it does help to write things down so I know where you are coming from.

[Rhonda Darling]

I hope you're in a position to discuss this with some of her doctors. Stroke and mood swings in the same post ring alarm bells. I'd want them to verify that there weren't any small strokes (micro) going on that might further affect her thought process or mood.

And you can write about ccomcerns any time. There are a lot of big ears on this forum.

Best,
Rhonda

[Beverley Sims]

I think after her stroke her mindset has changed somewhat.

You need to gauge her feelings and without argument keep as you are without asking her opinion.

There is a bit of go with the flow at the moment I think.

[Maria_mtf]

I also find it helps to write it out too even when you dont have any specifc questions to ask.

If she has said she is happy for you to dress more maybe you should, that will make you more happy which could in turn make your wife happy. For me theres nothing more upsetting than seeing my wife in distress so it must go both ways.

I hope you and your wife work it out good luck to you both.

[Teresa]

One point to remember is your wife is suffering form the after effects of her stroke , she may secretly be thinking where will I be if it happens again but much worse ? Seeing you depressed about your dressing is now not her priority , her answer was an obvious one in the circumstances , she may not get better no matter what clothes she wears but you can change your situation simply by dressing or not . She accepts enough so it's up to you to decide whether you really need to dress or not. I doubt she is going to make a big issue of it which ever you choose .

The other point is she could be more envious of you than she's letting on , she can longer slip into nice clothes because of her slight immobility and you can still pick and choose .

[Kelly DeWinter]

another thought is that some people see thing in a more simple set of solutions. "Then why don't I just give it up". is an opportunity to talk about things. Her snapping is a sign of being unable to deal with things in her life. Have the two of you tried counseling ?

[Steph_CD_62]

I hope you're in a position to discuss this with some of her doctors. Stroke and mood swings in the same post ring alarm bells. I'd want them to verify that there weren't any small strokes (micro) going on that might further affect her thought process or mood.

And you can write about ccomcerns any time. There are a lot of big ears on this forum.

Best,
Rhonda

Since she is unable to drive, I go to all of her doctor appointments. We have discussed her mood swings and he says that is common because she wants to do so much more, but because of her stroke she can't.

- - - Updated - - -


One point to remember is your wife is suffering form the after effects of her stroke , she may secretly be thinking where will I be if it happens again but much worse ? Seeing you depressed about your dressing is now not her priority , her answer was an obvious one in the circumstances , she may not get better no matter what clothes she wears but you can change your situation simply by dressing or not . She accepts enough so it's up to you to decide whether you really need to dress or not. I doubt she is going to make a big issue of it which ever you choose .

The other point is she could be more envious of you than she's letting on , she can longer slip into nice clothes because of her slight immobility and you can still pick and choose .

I know she is afraid she will have another stroke. Last time she spent almost 8 weeks in the hospital. She wants to drive so she can have more freedom, but she isn't able to do that yet. Also she tries (and usually does) things around the house, but she wants her life the way it was before the stroke.

[Tina_gm]

She was probably looking at it from a logical realized standpoint many women are better at then men. The why not just give it up comment wasn't a rejection on her part but of a certain mindset that if you seemed so bothered by the consequences of dressing why not just eliminate the issue. That would be my guess.

[jacques]

hello,
perhaps your wife has a genuine and simple point - if something makes you feel unhappy why not give it up?
my wife has said that about other things to me... but crossdressing for me is a weird addiction: I cannot understand it; I get withdrawal symptoms when I cannot do it; it is totally confusing; but I cannot give it up!
my wife can live with it better than I can.
luv J

[LeannS]

Sorry to hear about your wife stroke it is never easy being a caregiver. If she gave you the green light to dress then do it.
but love her as she is adjusting to things she can and can't do. Hell I would be handful myself.

[IwishIwasTracy]

My wife once told me the same thing, Just give it up and let it go. It made me think about it. What conclusion I came to is the dressing for me is a comfort, a place to go to where I can escape the stress of life. So why should I give it up. I told her that if I could snap my fingers and all of the desires would go away I don't think that I would. We need our escapes.



Tracy

[MarinaTwelve200]

I am like Tracy---CD is an ESCAPE for me. to get away from stress. I kind of feel that it is "A vacation from myself" and my own worries, stresses and responsibilities, by becoming "someone else" entirely. I go to a state of bliss and can totally "Unwind" all my stresses, for a short time anyways.

[Marcia Blue]

Happilymarriedguy, I too wanted you to know that I read your post.
My heart goes out to you and your wife.
Remember that all of your friends here at CD.com care.
Keep posting those feelings, when you have the urge.
Hugs,

[vicky_cd99_2]

My heart goes out to you. I am watching it play out in my family. Remember your wife is going through changes from who she was to who she is now. It is hard to watch or even deal with at times. Being unable to do things she used to take for granted is stressful on her and with the reprogramming, no matter how slight or large, she is making adjustments. Your dressing is probably not too high on her issues chart. Go ahead and vent, we all are pretty good listeners.

[Karen's Secret]

There are a lot of things that never annoyed me but now that I'm older (50) I find annoying. Likewise, some things that really used to bother me I simply don't care about any more. I think it's perfectly natural for a spouse of a crossdresser to fluctuate in their levels of acceptance. Add in the fact that she has some stroke-related symptoms I think what you're describing is perfectly normal. The fact that you're in a melancholy mood over your crossdressing is also absolutely normal. I get that way as well from time to time.

[Steph_CD_62]

My wife once told me the same thing, Just give it up and let it go. It made me think about it. What conclusion I came to is the dressing for me is a comfort, a place to go to where I can escape the stress of life. So why should I give it up. I told her that if I could snap my fingers and all of the desires would go away I don't think that I would. We need our escapes.
Tracy

There are times I wish I didn't have this desire, but it is part of who I am. My wife knew about my other side long before we got married. I am just hoping she was having a bad day and that is why she made the comment of giving it up




My heart goes out to you. I am watching it play out in my family. Remember your wife is going through changes from who she was to who she is now. It is hard to watch or even deal with at times. Being unable to do things she used to take for granted is stressful on her and with the reprogramming, no matter how slight or large, she is making adjustments. Your dressing is probably not too high on her issues chart. Go ahead and vent, we all are pretty good listeners.


I realize that she is going through changes and she is struggling on being the way she was. I do my best on being patient with her, and I am hoping her comment was just because she had a bad day.

[Stephanie47]

Sorry to read about your wife having a stroke. A illness like that is life changing. It has limited her in ways you cannot imagine. It makes her dependent upon you. In many ways it makes you and her more joined at the hip. My wife is unable to drive due to a depth perception problem. She was a public transportation user and really good at it. She had more stamina than people 1/3 her age. However, when she had to go through chemotherapy for cancer treatment life changed. She became more dependent on me. I suspect your wife's inability to get around by herself and do things like she use to do is a real driver for depression. I would encourage social interaction with friends and family. I have found too many people do not like to interact with people with disabilities. I do not know why. The end result can be having a shut-in existence.

When your wife postulates why don't you just give up cross dressing that statement is grounded in two things. First, she does not have true understanding that cross dressing is more than some hobby that you can just store away when there is no more enjoyment. Maybe a little education is in order. The other is a comparison of her illness/disability with your problem of societal non acceptance. You're free to go and come as you wish. Her life is now one of restrictions. Her life is one of looking mortality in the face everyday.

Just keep in mind she would gladly change your worst day for her best day.

[Becky Blue]

Sorry to hear about your wife's stroke, hopefully its her last one and she can get movement back in time!! maybe she was just feeling down that moment or perhaps it was a simple response to seeing you a bit down to say so stop doing something thats brining you down. It probably shows her lack of understanding that its not something you can give up.