How do a you cope/come to terms with your other side

[Brandie.n]

I survived a serious cancer at a young age and a major heart attack later on in life.That has put me in the mindset of i I deserve to do whatever i want to do and whatever make me happy.
Me crossdressing make me happy for a while then i hate myself for it sayin its no right i should be doing thi etc.then i purge.A little while later i get the urge again and tell myself its ok Iam hurting no one i quit hiding my heels they are out in the open for everyone to see.Then i will start thing I should be doing this and start the cycle all over again.
so whats a good way to come to terms and accept your other side?
And break the vicious cycle?

[Janna]

I suspect a psychiatrist would ask you what makes you feel guilty about doing it? Find the answer to that, then decide if the answer really makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, keep reminding yourself it doesn't make sense whenever you feel guilty and you may be able to let go of the emotion of guilt.

As you say, you're not hurting anyone, so why feel guilty?

If you actually do feel there is some logical reason to feel guilty, see if you can find a way to fix whatever is bothering you about it.

Another tactic is to just keep doing it. Maybe practice around the house. Doing anything enough times tends to make it feel alright.

[Tina_gm]

Since you are of an age where none of this was accepted, your "guilt" is you taking cues from your peers and how they feel about it. Even though in reality many middle aged people are now beginning to also accept, to some degree, probably not as much as the younger generations do. In some cases, you will have to learn to override the guilt and feelings of rejection you are likely to get from your peers with the reality that you are not hurting anyone. In the end, all they can do is snicker, shake their head or make some nasty comment. The reality is that is all they can do because it is their own built in dislike of something they were told is wrong without a reason for it to be wrong. The usual answer to anyone who strongly disagrees with cross dressing and transgender anything is as to why it is wrong.... "it just is"

[Helen_Highwater]

As Tina quite rightly points out, people of mature years grew up in an environment where gay folk, and being CD lumped us into that category, were the object of jokes and caricatured less than favorably.

It's hard to shake those memories. They created a lasting impression that even many years on still lingers.

It's one of the things that keeps me in the closet. My circle of friends are of that era. While I don't think they'd be openly hostile I know they'd, in good humour, have a few remarks at my expense.

Having said all that, I don't have any urges to stop. I know that what I do isn't wrong, it hurts no one and I feel right when I dress.

If you accept that it's ok for others to dress, that we all here are correct in what we do, then accept it for yourself. You're one of us. We're with you.

[rachael.davis]

I run on a fairly simple equation
The fact that I have to earn a living doesn't change the fact that I'm transgendered
The fact that I'm transgendered doesn't change the fact that I have to earn a living
(it goes on to cover a number of situations in my life.

OK - purging, my GG Bestie/big sister had a comment on going backwards/purging "How well did it work the last 10,000 times you tried to stuff the djinn back in the bottle Aladdin"? It's not going to change, you can purge, fast, pray, do odd sacrifices in heathen temples, and when you're done you will be somewhere on the transgender side of the fence. So if it can't change you have to before you fracture yourself into a whole lot of little broken parts. If you can swing a therapist it would probably help.
But for now - You're not evil, you're not twisted, you're not a pervert, you're not a threat to little kids, but if you accept societies judgement on you as "deviant" you will eventually shatter.
I won't lie and say it's easy, just possible, and very much worth it.

[Beverley Sims]

Just dress and get out more, works wonders.

[DaisyLawrence]

But for now - You're not evil, you're not twisted, you're not a pervert, you're not a threat to little kids, but if you accept societies judgement on you as "deviant" you will eventually shatter.
I won't lie and say it's easy, just possible, and very much worth it.

Yeah That!

Just say "from now on I accept who I am". Job done. Personally, I find it easy peasy. Now it's your turn.

[Gillian Gigs]

Quote; "So what's a good way to come to terms and accept your other side?
And break the vicious cycle?

I have come to the point of accepting myself, and one of the ways is to use the AA prayer when I feel the need. This still happens occasionally.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I have attempted to change me on several occasions and failed miserably. Purging just doesn't work, it didn't work in my case. So, I came to the point of accepting what I couldn't change, and in this case it is my choice of clothes. Self acceptance brings peace that helps one to focus clearly bring everything into prospective. In my case I realised that I was getting worked up about clothes...articles of clothing. In the over all scheme of life, that is small potato's, really small potato's!

[jacques]

hello,
my wife broke the vicious circle for me (almost) when she said "it's only clothes"
Brandie - you are the same person whatever clothes you wear.
luv J

[LeannS]

I am who I am if you don't like it tough cookies.
I dress because I like it and it makes me feel good about myself
I enjoy being me.

[Brandie.n]

Thank you all for the great advice.
Accept this part of me its just clothes and im not hurting anyone.
Love myself and just do and be me.
I came out to my close friends as a crossdresser their reaction about time you admitted it.
Yes i was raised in he era of it was looked down own with relatives looking down on anyone diffrent

- - - Updated - - -

as you all can tell im proud of my legs a few accepting GF got jealous of them in hose

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Brandie,
Would you prefer to change the fact that
you’re a cancer survivor?
Would you like to have lived your life without
having that heart attack?

I suspect you answered “Hell yeah!” ????

Now ask yourself if you’d rather not have
spent so much of your life CDing.

Similarly to your health concerns, your CDing
is one of those parts of your life you just didn’t
go looking for.
Could you have prevented the cancer? Maybe???
Could you have prevented the heart attack? Possibly???
Could you have prevented yourself from ever CDing?
With the number of people on this site, I doubt it!
(Ok, ok...Maybe with the help of a neurosurgeon!)

This is your life. No one else’s!
Enjoy it!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Alice Torn]

I totally understand your dilemna. Part of me is disgusted as a man. Part of me likes it.

[Lana Mae]

DO NOT PURGE! It is too costly, store it in a footlocker or something! Accept yourself as who you are! Your self acceptance is very important! Now, it is your journey and is unique to you! You will know when to move on and do not let anyone push you(a little nudge may be acceptable!). Best wishes on your journey of discovering you! Hugs Lana Mae

[CynthiaD]

I've been through the splurge and purge cycle many times. Then one day I said to myself, "These are my clothes. My clothes. I'm not going to throw them away!" I haven't purged since. (Although I've had a few splurges. :) ) There isn't the slightest thing wrong with crossdressing, so stop telling yourself that you shouldn't be doing this. Instead, try to reinforce the positive. When I'm dressed, I sometimes look down at my breasts and think "These are my breasts, and I'm proud of them." I do the same thing with other items. I'm proud of my panties, my bra, my pantyhose, my high heels, my dress, my makeup, my lipstick, my wig, my jewelry, and I'm proud to stand in front of the mirror and see a woman looking back at me. This is how I look. How I look. How I'm supposed to look. I'm proud of it. I will not be ashamed of it, not for a minute, not for a second, not for a microsecond.

When you look at your femme clothing, remember, these are your clothes. You can keep them. You don't need to throw them away. You can be proud of them.

And remember that it takes courage to be yourself. I can only speak for myself, but I think that I'm echoing the thoughts of many people here when I say, "We're proud of you."

[Brandie.n]

thanks yall i am feeling better and will stop the purge.
Hell on Heels.
I have been asked that same question about cancer many times.My answer has always surprised people my answer has always been no Because it made me a stronger and better person i accept everyone for who they are.(I Had Leukemia stage 4)
cynthiaD.
thank you for the kind words.Iam proud of my legs and my pantyhose/tight collection

[Jenn A116]

I don't think of my "other side". Its really just all me. Looking at it that way could make things easier.

[sometimes_miss]

Easy. It's not a 'side'. It's me. The attempt to use the 'side' concept is simply a way of trying to distance one's self from any feminine thoughts, desires, and behavior due to homophobia; essentially saying to the world and ourselves, 'Oh, that's not the REAL me. It's only something I do, not what I am'. This is understandable, since we are brought up being told that to be feminine in any way is the most terrible thing that a boy could ever be, and many men simply cannot get around that feeling, no matter how hard they try. I get that, because even though I know it to be true, I sometimes feel guilty about it myself to this day. What makes it even worse, is that most women support the idea that for any man, traditional feminine behavior and feelings are something to be ashamed of, as if they are inferior to traditional masculine ones. They, too, suffer from this, because they are putting themselves down by doing it, and most have no idea that they are devaluing themselves that way.

Only once that is all out of the way, can we start to recognize who and what we really are. Recognizing that it is a problem is the first step.

I come to terms with it, by realizing that feminine things are just as worthy of us as masculine ones are. And the reason I stay in the closet is because I simply do not want to waste loads of time arguing about it with ignorant people; I have better things to do with my time.

[phili]

Another fact is that there really aren't two 'sides', it is a mythology that infects society and is passed on dutifully. causing so much pain. It is just totally human to look down and admire your legs and buy pretty tights, etc. Girls get to do it, but boys 'aren't supposed to'. The reasons seem buried deeply and the horrible but intended social result is control by shaming.

Try saying out loud the reasons why boys shouldn't wear cute tights. Try saying out loud why girls should not be allowed to wear men's shoes. I find trying to say aloud what no one is saying is helpful for digging out the unconscious stuff and seeing it for what it is.

[kimdl93]

I guess I haven't.

[Angie G]

I have no need to cope with my girl side. It is my male side I don't like.:hugs:
Angie

[Cherylgyno]

Wow! How to cope with me being me. I hadn't thought about that in many years.
When I did think about it, it was because I thought more about what others thought about me than what I thought about me. I am me. It doesn't matter what I am wearing. I'm not hurting anyone by wearing panties or any other item of women's clothing.
When I turned 50 I developed breasts due to gynecomastia from meds for my heart health and to fight cancer in the land down under. I am still me. I wear bra and panties every day. I currently wear men's jeans, will switch to women's jeans this summer. I wear dress shirt tucked in thus accenting my breasts. People look and comment.
Other people are the ones that need to accept me. I already accept me.
You are who you are. By being what others expect you to be makes you mad/sad. Being yourself will make you happy. The choice is yours.

[Ginni]

It is like a tug of war. I know I Can't stop dressing, but sometimes I want to stop. I just keep my clothes stored until I get over it and start dressing again. It's who I am and I accept it.

[Aunt Kelly]

Rachael's "simple equation" is so because it is true.
It's not going away so finding a way to live with it should be the goal. What that means is going to vary greatly between individuals. Heck, it's even going to vary, across time, for any given individual. We all change, grow, and face changing circumstances. I know... It's sounds glib and trite to make such simple sounding pronouncements, and to be sure, it is seldom simple. The path to happiness though, starts with acceptance, regardless of how long and tortuous that path might be. You won't get there any other way.

[CarlaWestin]

Early life trauma notwithstanding, we all are entitled to have a happy life.
And that starts with self acceptance.

[Becky Blue]

Brandie, this was my thought process when she emerged in 2005 - I realised that Becky was a gift, not everyone gets to experience life on both sides of the gender divide. Over the years Becky has brought me so much joy, I have loved buying and wearing beautiful clothes, I have had some amazing adventures out as her and met some fantastic people. Over the years I have made very special friends and have been able to love having a more sensitive and emotional side to me. She has made me a better husband, parent and even business person, and most of all a better person and i am so lucky to be her.

[Maria Blackwood]

There is no other side. There is only me.

[KatrinaK]

I just went through the same thing. It was my wife threatening to leave me over my insecurities surrounding my feminine side. She was fine with my gender fluidity, but not with my shame. I went to see a therapist and just the cathartic experience of laying it all out enabled me to really realize that it’s only my concern of other people’s perception, and I had to make a choice between my fear of humiliation and my own mental health and marriage. I chose the latter and haven’t looked back. I quickly became comfortable talking about it, and I dropped that shame like a bag of bricks. It just kind of happened when I committed to it.

[Krisi]

I don't feel like I have an "other side" so I have no problems coping with it. I have the clothes, wig, padding, etc. but there's no "other side". I am the same person whether I'm wearing a dress or pants. I may try to walk and act differently when I'm dressed but it's an act.

[Georgina]

Same here only one me.