After Your Gone

[Molly Wells]

I have been crossdressing for over 50 years and don't think it's likely to be something I stop doing anytime soon. Both my first wife (7 yrs) and my second wife (37yrs) have known though both have disapproved and want no part of it. Therefore, I am in a DADT relationship and keep it deep in the closet. Out of site and well hidden. I do have a fair amount of outfits plus wigs, and forms. All the stuff I need to become Molly when to opportunity is there. Nearly three years ago we were doing remodel and I had to move my stash to a safe place so I rented a small storage unit till I could set up a safe place for storage. We have since experienced a flood and am having to redo the remodel and more. (thanks, Harvey)
I have wondered a few times over the years, whether the stash is in storage or hidden around the house, if I were to pass away, and when my stuff is later discovered, what would be said.
It makes me curious if any one here has heard or known of a sister that was a secret dresser, passed away and her stash later discovered, what was the story?

Hugs,
Molly

[Teresa]

Molly,
I decided that after that length of time all the cloak and dagger stuff had to stop, as you say the need isn't going away so what is wrong with being open and honest about it ? When we get to a certain age we shouldn't have to be treated like a naughty schoolboy who is up to no good . It's not fair on us to be denied to live those feelings and needs we were born with , I called it solitary confinement and had to break free , so now I have no worries or concerns about my my clothes and other items ,they only have to open my wardrobe door to view them, I don't have a problem with that.

Sorry to hear about the storm damage , having a hidden stash obviously means you can't claim on insurance !

[Tracii G]

If somebody finds your stuff after you are gone then whats the big deal?
Nothing you or they can do about it. Just gives you survivors something to speculate about.

[tylia]

If i leave this life suddenly,my wife will make a few trips to the drop off at the Value Village ........quite a few.

[Leslie Mary S]

Because of the way you asked the question, I think many people will be, or are, in for a rude awakening about someone they thought they knew very well.
At present I can not tell any tales about deceased CDers. I have VERY few CDers in my worldly life, and none of them have passed away. You did ask for stories/tales about how the CDer's families/friends reacted when they come upon the deceased closeted/stored worldly treasures.

May we all live long and prosper \\// /.

[Krisi]

Yea, I don't know any deceased crossdressers so I can't answer that question directly. Tracii's point about being dead is a good one. Once you're dead, you won't care what people think (as far as I can tell).

Since my wife knows about my dressing, I suspect she will take what she doesn't want of my clothes to a donation center.

[Robertacd]

Frankly I don't care what people say after I am dead, as I will be dead and nothing can hurt me then.

[Pat]

It makes me curious if any one here has heard or known of a sister that was a secret dresser, passed away and her stash later discovered, what was the story?

I had a very good friend who was an executive in a public service organization who died quite unexpectedly. Some of the senior executives went over to his apartment to pack his belongings and send them back to his family and when they returned they just kept making dark comments about "you never really know a person...." I don't know if they found his crossdressing stash or disturbing porn or Nazi memorabilia or what it was, but something shook them up and really put a mark on their fond memories of a beloved friend. I never asked.

So there's that -- if you carry your secret to your grave and your friends/family find out they'll interpret it their own way, and their way may be that they never knew you; that you deceived them; that you showed a surprising lack of courage or that at base, you didn't trust them. And as has been pointed out -- you'll be dead. As far as we know you won't regret it and their sense of betrayal is their problem. Your wife knows, so no issues there. You don't mention any kids, so potentially no problem with them ending up in therapy trying to work out their father having hidden himself from them. And friends? Their problem, right? You get to choose.

[Tracy Irving]

To save the embarrassment she thinks she will feel, your wife will donate and / or dispose of your stash. It is very likely nobody will find out.

[Beverley Sims]

If someone finds something you left behind all it dos is raise speculation as to what went on.

After a week, life goes on.

I would not worry.

[Stephanie47]

My wife does not approve on my crossdressing and wants no part of it. She does not know the extent of my wardrobe. I'm sure if I were to predecease her she would ultimately find all my clothes. Everything is stored in 18 or so Xerox boxes. I'd think she would donate everything. If she were to predecease me I would make some effort to reduce my wardrobe. I'm never going to wear all of the 160 dresses, etc. I could keep some stuff and try to pass it off as dad not getting rid of all of mom's stuff with the exception of the size 13 shoes. She and I wear the same size dress, XL and 16-18.

Molly, if your wardrobe is in a storage locker and you have not told your family of its existence, once you fail to pay the rental fee the storage facility will foreclose on you. Your stash may end up on one of those television shows where the storage lockers are auctioned off. Your stash may draw a lot of attention. Years ago there was a case in my area of a new wife who just stopped paying the bill on her husband's storage locker. When it went to auction a body was found in the locker.

[LeannS]

I guess I am going to be turning over in my grave a couple of times after the wife get done calling me all sorts of names.
She will find all sorts of things some she can wear but a lot no way she will just donate which is fine as I won't be here to enjoy it anymore :(

[Stephanie Julianna]

Due to my longevity in this world I unfortunately have known many girls who have passed on. I have never heard how their stash was handled when the widow or family cleaned out their stuff. I would guess that Good Will makes out like a bandit when one of us passes. Either that, or there was a barn fire in the back yard.

[Sarah Louise]

My wife knows and I expect at least one of us will be around for a while yet.

But when the time comes, maybe my kids will think we had a lady stay with us who had a large selection of dresses. Oh and she had small hips, a double mastectomy and all her hair fell out as part of the cancer treatment which explains the padding, breast forms and wig!

Is this any more unbelievable than their dad being a crossdresser?

[jacques]

hello,
can I take my stash with me please?
luv J

[Sarah Doepner]

I do know a few sisters who have passed away but have not been close to their families and can't relate what was discussed as the stash was cleared away. One friend in her early 90's has decided to give most of her things to the local women's shelter. It seems that most of the rest of the CDs I know are out to at least someone who will take care of their things or be there to explain when that dark moment comes.

I was out to my wife and that was good enough for me. Until she passed away, throwing me back in the closet as far as family and friends would know. It took about three years but after several inadequate letters I wrote and taped to the dresser in my closet, I finally came out to my adult children and a few other family and friends. I'm working on adding a few more into the circle in the future. Not only will it, 1) not throw anyone into an existential crisis over what I did in my life, but 2) it will demonstrate I wasn't unhinged, actually quite a normal and stable sort of person and, 3) when it comes time to move, I won't have to carry everything by myself. I'll be able to ask for help with the closet and that's an area that will require much more work than I might have expected a few years ago.

[Janie Jane]

When I'm gone, who cares. Hopefully I'll be in a Better Place, and my wife, who was never accepting (DADT as well), and often threw it in my face during arguments on unrelated topics, can enjoy having it in her face for once for all the times she put me down because of it. Not that I want "revenge"! Just sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells about this all the time. I can understand and respect she doesn't want to participate, but surely a little acceptance would go a long way to making both of us feel better..

(sorry, had to vent)

I've read, with great sadness, of the many among us, who've had to live their lives in DADT marriages or live totally secretive lives. With a totally supportive wife, I can only try to imagine the pain of living that way (though I've had my own pain to live with, for 21 years!)
But JeanTG's comment above got me thinking. Maybe a little revenge is in order. Make the appropriate number of packages with something that is a favorite (or ugly, whichever) item of clothing, and a note, to be delivered to each person, after your passing, who you've wanted, but couldn't, tell your secret to. (Jean's comment about the wife throwing it in his face brings out the evil passive-aggressive side of me.) Would any of us, including me, actually do it? Not likely, but it is fun to think about.
Jane

[mykell]

hi molly,
this had occurred to me after my dad had died, all the women in the family were going through and giving away his things....its what compelled me to disclose my "self" to my wife.

even as she knows i have penned a letter to her and my son and left them in the closet with all my things....i wrote a thread about it.
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224212-**GREAT-ADVISE**keep-a-record-in-your-stash**&highlight=

i have no ill will to anyone who does not disclose but think that theyre mate at least needs to have the truth of what it was for you while you were alive, at least they wont assume the worst and have answers to theyre questions.

hope i dont die while dressed, would definitely take the fun out of it....

[Di]

I just posted in the Loved Ones section today about what I did to keep it from Sherlyns daughters to honor her wishes as she recently unexpectly passed .
The difference is I'm accepting and it was our life together. I'm sad for those in a dadt relationship it's like they only know part of you.
My thought in your case .... What if you put something in your will to your wife or better yet ask the lawyer for any ideas / please do not be ashamed to tell your attorney / this is not anything to be ashamed of.

[Alice B]

Hve not known any in that situation. For me, my wife and entire family knows. Wife sees my stuff every time she goes into the closet and often does my laundry and puts things away.

[CynthiaD]

My stuff is in my closet, not in a stash. When I pass on and family members go through my closet, I expect someone will say, "Well what do you know! She did have a couple of male outfits stuffed way in the back!"

[NicoleScott]

This topic has come up before. I find it strange, or amusing, or ... let's just say ... interesting that so many of us here seem to think loved ones might be more upset that you crossdress than you're dead.

[Sarah Doepner]

This topic has come up before. I find it strange, or amusing, or ... let's just say ... interesting that so many of us here seem to think loved ones might be more upset that you crossdress than you're dead.

From the closet a scream is heard followed by "It's a good thing he's dead, because I wanna kill him for embarrassing me like this!"

[SharonDenise]

I came out to my wife before we were married. She accepted and supported my crossdressing. Sadly, she passed away four years ago. I have told my grown daughters about my lifestyle as I felt it was the right thing to do. They want to see me as their Dad so it has turned into a DADT relationship where my cross dressing is involved. However, we are still close so I'm satisfied with my decision.

[Alice_2014_B]

You could get a cleaner-friend (hopefully not just a friend for the purpose).
This is someone who will go as far as to fly across the country to take care of such things.
Obviously they'll know, but he or she will not have to know all of your secrets.

I do not know how the person will know something happened to you before your family knows, but there're ways.
It's something I'm not experienced in, I've only heard about it.

:)

[Robin777]

My wife has also known about my dressing before we we married. We have been married for almost 39 years and we have shopped together for clothes all those years and she knows what I have as she has picked out a lot of it. I have told her, if I go before she does sell my slip and nightgown collection on Ebay. Don't haul it to the thrift store. It will get a quite a bit when sold. I don't care what happens to the rest. I would imagine she would keep part of it for herself and donate the rest. It will take her more than a few trips to donate it all. Maybe she can take it to a consignment store and sell a lot of it. We have no children so that won't be a problem. If she asks her sister to help with it, I can just imagine what she will say.

[Janie Jane]

Another fun thing to speculate. What if we croak in full regalia, dressed to the nines, and our DADT wives come home to find us dead from a heart attack in full kit? To see the look on their faces...

Jean,
How good are you at lying perfectly still, not blinking, and breathing shallowly? Ooohhh, that evil passive-aggressive side of me....

[Micki_Finn]

I’m pretty much out to anyone who matters so I’d be very disappointed if my friends didn’t fight over my wardrobe when I’m gone.

[abby054]

I have a girl cave at a heated storage unit that I rent by the year. It has quite a wardrobe. Fits 19 feet of closet rod and has furniture, such as a five foot wide vanity, shelves for 50 pairs of shoes, a chair, and two full length mirrors. Even has photos of Abby gracing the walls and there are books about crossdressing. Wife knows nothing of it. Neither does anyone else that I know of. I easily walk to it from my office. If I die suddenly, I sometimes wonder who will discover this and what will happen to the clothes and to the story of how they were discovered. I suppose it will make no difference to me as I will be gone. I can lock,it from the inside. If I die while alone in the unit, it may be months before I am found.

[Heisthebride]

My wife is accepting of my dressing and could clean up if she should choose to do so. Beyond that I do have my friends who know about my dressing and friends who don’t. My curiosity lies with the, how did you know the deceased questions that could bear out at the wake/funeral.

I have considered recording a video that I could share with everyone upon passing. Im not sure I if I would share this before or during the funeral. But at many of the funerals I attend have large photo collages. I would love to have one board dedicated to me being dressed up.

[Stephanie47]

Another fun thing to speculate. What if we croak in full regalia, dressed to the nines, and our DADT wives come home to find us dead from a heart attack in full kit? To see the look on their faces...

OK, now you ladies are going over the top. May I suggest before your demise if you have a bitch of a non supportive wife who constantly denigrates you and is caustic make some prearrangements with a funeral director. Outline with the funeral home you want to be layed out in your favorite dress with wig and full makeup. That would surely cause a stir.

[Alice B]

I love Sarah Charies response

[Molly Wells]

I love Sarah Charies response

I agree Alice. I had thought about something like that long ago but never followed through on it. Probable a good thing to do.

[Carrie R]

I'll probably be found half-eaten by cats, but oh well!

[CONSUELO]

You need a will.
I can imagine a scene such as you see in film where the family gathers after the funeral and the lawyer reads out the bequests. "To my sister I leave my collection of wigs and lingerie" Whattt?

Sorry that Harvey hit you so hard. It seems you were hit at home as well as at the storage unit. My home was above the record flood waters but every day I have to drive through areas that were badly affected and watch them slowly rebuild. Some homes seem to have no work going on at all and with a hot and humid southern summer just around the corner I wonder what they will be like in a few months.

[Jenny22]

Hi, Molly. I raised a similar question and had many sisters responding with great comments and suggestions. If you are interested, go back to Jan. 8, 2016 and look for 'Death unexpectedly.'

[Glenda58]

A friend of mine passed away some yrs. ago. I helped his son pack his things for donation. When we came across some slips and silk night gowns. I told his son he had some women friends that came over to visit sometime and it might be theirs. I had told my friend that I was a crossdresser and he didn't say a thing. I think I know why now.

[Nancie64]

What a question! My wife and I have talked about this and if we both for some strange reason pass at the same, her sister knows about Nancie and will be the first here to pilfer some of her nice skirts and dresses. My 1st wife also knows and I would hope she might jump in to help my daughters to clean up, they know nothing about my dressing. I do have one pic that they may find and on the back an explaination that since one of them always use to say that I would not make a very good looking woman ye proof is in the pic. Makeover at Amy in Vegas and she took the pic. Not really to bad. And you are right, after we are gone, what are they going to do, spit on our grave, we won't know.

[Allison Chaynes]

Through genealogy research, I have found family secrets WAY more upsetting than anything to do with CDing. Not worried about it.

[Terri_Cross]

I've thought on this a few times in the past and still don't know as I have an answer yet. I am planning on writing up a short note to leave in a sheet cover explaining the items and my wishes for them in my closet with my various clothing. Not much else I can do above that. I'm thinking times like that have different plans when you're single.

[Becky Blue]

Do you think perhaps a sign on my safely hidden stash saying Radioactive Waste Do NOT open the box, dispose of Responsibly could work?

[Leslie Mary S]

Do you think perhaps a sign on my safely hidden stash saying Radioactive Waste Do NOT open the box, dispose of Responsibly could work?

Better make it a Locked steel or led lined box.

[lingerieLiz]

Given that my wife is aware and daughters know I figure Goodwill will do well. Most all my clothes don't fit any of them. I have no desire to have a funeral. Several of our shopping friends will miss my expertise, but they don't shop like the old days when we were all younger.

[Cherylgyno]

I can't speak for any one else.
For myself it is in my Will about how I am to be dressed etc. My wife knows that my clothes are to be donated to a charity of her choice.

[Krisi]

Another fun thing to speculate. What if we croak in full regalia, dressed to the nines, and our DADT wives come home to find us dead from a heart attack in full kit? To see the look on their faces...

I was dressed one morning but when I went to put my earrings on, my fingers wouldn't work right. This seemed like a problem so I called my wife to come back from the gym and take me to the emergency clinic. I changed back to "boy" while she was coming home (except for my yellow panties). She took me to the emergency clinic and they called an ambulance to take me four blocks to the hospital. I had had a TIA or "mini stroke".

Yes, whenever we dress we run the risk of "croaking" dressed. At least my wife won't be shocked or disappointed.

[Nicole Erin]

A few years ago I had a Cd friend who's dad had died. She was the one tasked with cleaning all the stuff out of the apartment. The dad was a hoarder apparently. Just piles of junk, car service records for vehicles that were like 30+ years old, furniture etc.
In one room, there was a closet completely full of women's panties. Folded, organized, like they were never used. It was the only CD-related thing we found. I imagine we were the only two who even knew about it. There was no shock though because me and my friend being TG and all. I guess if any other of his kids had to clean the place it would have been weird.

Death is kind of an invasion to your privacy. But not like you would have to explain anything after you are gone.


If someone finds something you left behind all it dos is raise speculation as to what went on. After a week, life goes on. I would not worry.

This is probably the most likely outcome. People die, there is a short mourning period, then life goes on.


This topic has come up before. I find it strange, or amusing, or ... let's just say ... interesting that so many of us here seem to think loved ones might be more upset that you crossdress than you're dead.

Very true actually. I think the cause for worry is sometimes when people get outed, especially public figures, it is this big shock that makes the front page of the national enquirer.
So we think the focus of the funeral will be "We found out he was TRANNY'ING!" It is like people chomp at the bit for any teeny piece of dirt they can dig up about someone.


Do you think perhaps a sign on my safely hidden stash saying Radioactive Waste Do NOT open the box, dispose of Responsibly could work?

No cause it would make the news, gas prices would go up, the entire neighborhood would get blocked off, flights delayed, social justice warriors trying to make it about their own agendas, tin-foil hat wearers freaking out, and just all the other societal ills would flare up simultaneously, all over a box that says "radioactive". You know how stupid people are.

[Nef]

Please let me die in my high heels and black cocktail dress.. as a closet babe, i expect family members to die from a heart attack too... now that is gonna be awkward in heaven (or most likely in hell)

[Leslie Mary S]

It is interesting subject that many can relate to since we have such a large section of 'Over the hill' members (or so it seems when the subject of age comes up). I think of 'Over The Hill' as over 65. Yep I am ,Over the hill, too.

[Pat]

I think of 'Over The Hill' as over 65.

I prefer to think of it as over 66. This year. ;)

[Ozark]

I prefer to think of it as over 66. This year. ;)

I prefer to think of it as voer 70. This year. ;)

[Christina Page]

Now that I think about it, I decided that I would like to be buried in my favorite dress, heels, and wig, after an open casket funeral.

The more important question is, will I ever come out of the closet while I'm still alive? Only my wife knows.

[Judy-Somthing]

I've also dressed on and off over the last 50 years and don't want my children thinking I'm a weirdo or being a farther they really didn't know.
I'm hopping that when it's my time to go I have enough time to get rid of everything.
Especially items like breast forms, sz.13 heels, and wigs are kind of a give away!

[ellbee]

While doing some long-overdue, much-needed "spring cleaning" for my wardrobe today, this very thought came across my mind.


I want to say that *please* try to keep all your stuff clean, organized & in good order. Not only will it make things that much easier (in terms of time & effort) for those who you've left behind, but odds are they'd be more likely to perhaps keep some of your belongings for themselves -- instead of looking at it as a huge mess & perfect fodder for the trashcan / donation center / church / etc.

I mean, it's usually bad enough to have to go thru all the "normal, average-person's" non-CD things. I've helped with that once, for a deceased relative of mine. And even if you haven't, have you ever moved? Then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. There is a lot of STUFF! Everyday things you don't normally think about in that way. It's pretty crazy, really.

But then add in all these clothes & what-not? From what I gather, quite a few here have quite an extensive wardrobe -- including myself.


So, please be kind to your loved ones, by trying to keep your CD-things as quick & easy as possible to sort through. And perhaps even desirable enough for them to want to keep some for themselves.



Personally speaking, I have no SO & no children. And to put it bluntly, sadly I don't really have any close-enough friends at the moment. All good, honestly. But in the context of this topic? That's going to probably leave my immediate family (parents, brother, SIL, nieces) to do the dirty work. And I am in a DADT relationship with them, with that as the foreseeable status quo, going forward. IOW, they really don't know the extent of all this.

"Best-case" scenario? I outlive those around my age, & older. Which would leave my nieces (who are currently very young & live quite a distance away) to have to do the "big clean-up." Hey, I've got some pretty nice things, some of which cost a few bucks. And frankly, any GG who is into leggings & other activewear would have a field day, really. :battingeyelashes: And given the size I wear & nature of these items, it would probably fit my nieces (as adults). They can haggle over who gets what -- I'm cool with that. :devil:


I think it could possibly be a bit weird for my brother. I mean, if I go first? And my SIL/nieces grab some things for themselves? I'm not so sure he'd want to see them dressed in stuff that he'd be aware that used to belong to me, ya know? Eh, whatever. Besides, he wouldn't necessarily have to know where they got it all from. :p


Anyway, I dunno. That's just a current snap-shot. Things can obviously change. My DADT status could change. I could get married, have kids of my own, etc. Heck, I might even have a lot less CD-things, when it's time for me "to go."

But everyone's situation is a bit different. It is definitely something to think about, and to plan for. :)