Feeling a little bit hopeless

[Traci H]

The last couple of days have not been great. That is a under statement. A couple of events have brought some of the cross dressing issues to the forefront. If that isn’t enough some old festering martial issues reared their ugly heads as well. My wife and I love each other, at least she tells me that when we argue, but sometimes I wonder.

I’m still the man she married with all the defects now just showing a bit more. She has hers as well. How great was it 40 years ago when we were just young and in love. Now baggage is weighing us down. Crossdressing is just one of the bags. I think we need therapy, but it will be up to me to find and set up such. I’ve got to do it. She will no longer be intimate with me and hasn’t for seven years even though the first five of those I put my CDing away. I suspect she has other issues that she cannot voice, weight, libido, menopause, etc. The lack of intimacy is really bothering me. It has not been a good few days. Seems it is making us both depressed.

What to do....,,,..

[Teresa]

Traci,
It's about par for the course ! I've lived through the same situation, I hate to tell you but people change and you can never go back . Cding was possibly the final straw , I don't see it as a disaster to write off 43 years of marriage , it's being honest with each other , my wife couldn't live with my CDing and I couldn't live without it besides we had just grown apart, it happens ! We are both happier for the separation , we parted friends which is better than staying together and really hating each other . We both are glad we can still support our children they are OK with the situation , it was the best compromise all round .

What to do ? BE HONEST !! If it's not working by all means give it a go and try and fix it but sometimes you can't so accept it and talk it through like sensible adults . It doesn't have to mean divorce , it's not the inevitable conclusion .

[Tracii G]

Could be menopause or a hormonal imbalance or even thyroid issues.
I have had to go thru that with two wives and its almost unbearable. No matter what you do its never right.
Women are strange creatures and very hard to live with. Good luck and I hope she gets better.

[Traci H]

She complains that she is stuck with my secret and can’t talk to anyone. Yet I too have this situation. I have no one that I can confide in, either about CDing or the lack of intimacy. I can’t burden my kids, wouldn’t be fair at all. Guy friends, can’t do that either. Other than forcing the issue, I see a therapist as the only option. Sounds like I am talking myself into it.

Sad thing is we are approaching retirement and have both worked to enjoy it together. Makes me cry at times.

Thank you Teresa and Tracii for your input. I am trying to process all the options.

[Brynna M]

If it really is about your wife not having an outlet maybe it would help her to talk to a therapist about your cross dressing without you there. I know that being “outed” can be a constant fear but finding someone who’s confidentiality you can trust and letting her have an outlet for her feeling might help.

[phili]

My wife is saying she really doesn't have an interest in sex any more, and that is not unusual for women as they age. Whether it is psychological or biological is a question, and whether it can be reawakened as well, particularly if they don't have a fond memory or other reason to go back. Therapy is a good thing, with the right counselor, and don't be afraid to move on if someone isn't adding value from the first visit. There are so many linked issues, and therapy can start teasing out a subject easier to talk about first.

I've also worked on trying new things, being different, breaking the routines - and changing anything has a leavening effect. Planning retirement together sounds like a good framework- what to do differently?

Logjams are just piles of logs, so moving any one of them loosens up the rest!

[Janie Jane]

Get into therapy for yourself. Marriage counseling is like mediation; you'll never get a resolution to your problems if one party doesn't want one. I don't even want to talk about a seven year shut-out. You only have one life in this world and you need to take charge of it for your own sake. (Sorry if that sounds harsh. It was not meant to. Just brought me back to my first marriage with it's own set of problems.)
Good luck,
Jane

[Teresa]

TraciH,
I also got that angle, she said she has suffered as much as me since I came out to her about twenty years ago. I pointed out that she wasn't that interested before then besides she made the suffering worse for herself putting the solid DADT wall up. I saw as being infantile rather than approaching it in an adult way, the fact it wasn't talked about made the situation worse , I nearly ended my life and had to find counselling . All I got in return was it was my problem for me to sort out . I often asked how can I sort it when you won't talk about the outcome of my counselling . That is a problem you could also face , I was lucky the NHS paid for me but if it has to come out of your pocket you need to implement the outcome otherwise you're just throwing your money away, which you will need for your impending retirement .

As I suggested earlier is there any chance of finding a social group , you can attend most in drab or change at the venue, I'm sure if you find the right one it will help a great deal . The other alternative is find someone close enough on the forum and meet up with them , even it it's in drab, that's what I did as the first step . If you can find a balance you will be happier , women soon pick up on that even if she doesn't know the reason for it .

A word about retirement that is the crunch time , after all the years of building family life , raising kids you do find you have changed and have so little in common . My wife even turned on me telling me in no uncertain terms she didn't want me to teach her to paint . Remember you are also a person in your on right besides being a husband , you aren't a possession to be picked up and put down by someone else , many husbands appear to accept giving up all their rights to totally appease a partner and often very little comes back, it's all take and very little give , some call it love and devotion to their partner but it has to be a two way exercise otherwise you can become a doormat ! CDing to some is the excuse they need to vent it all on you , I often felt like a punchbag , for a while you can support someone but after a while it becomes abuse if you allow it to . No husband should have to ask a wife do you really love me ? I had to on more than one occasion , she saw showing love in a totally different way , maybe from her upbringing she didn't know how to show it but it still doesn't stop you wondering and the hurt you feel on occasions .

[leannejacobs]

Yet I too have this situation. I have no one that I can confide in, either about CDing or the lack of intimacy

Traci, all I can suggest is let her confide in her best friend, it's a huge secret to be burdened with and talking certainly helps, I didn't have a choice, my wife shared my secret with her friend, it's been great, fast forward and even the friend has sat with me fully dressed having a drink or two

[IleneD]

Traci,

I don't know how you're doing it but I believe you are living inside my body and my relationship. ( too!). This is a familiar refrain, and I too am in the throes of yet another such marriage crisis. I ditto nearly every aspect of your experience. Love.... but ups and downs like we've never had. No intimacy (for long long time).

I pray for you like I pray for myself. Dear God, help me save the life I've built with this woman. I constantly scour this forum for the wisdom and experience of my Sisters on how to overcome all the baggage, especially that added by my latent CD/transgenderism.
I may need to PM you. Love. Peace.

[CONSUELO]

You won't be able to enjoy retirement unless you resolve these issues. Retirement will just exacerbate them and you will not be able to go off to a different environment every day and at least get some relief. You will live with these problems all day and every day. So, grasp the nettle and go and find some counseling.

[T Gram]

She needs someone to talk to. It's a shame you two can't discuss things together. Maybe counseling would be good either separate or together or both is she open to it?

[Traci H]

After a virtually sleepless night we had a “discussion” today. She is uncomfortable with my CDing and I am so very disappointed in her seemingly uncaring actions to me. She has agreed to go to counseling and I will be setting this up this week. I pray that it will help us move towards a happy medium and we can enjoy all the plans we have for retirement.

I appreciate each and every comment and will certainly provide an update at some future date.

Traci

[Sami Brown]

Perhaps today's talk, with her willingness to try counseling, is the start of a turning point in your relationship. I wish the both of you the best.

Sami

[Linda P.]

The counseling agreement sounds very promising. It's the willingness of both of you to work to resolve the issues that will make the difference. My best to you both.

[suzanne]

I urge you to go to counselling. If not as a couple then just by yourself. You sound as if crossdressing is only one of several issues. But the issue there is not that there is something wrong with you. She is the one who needs her mind changed. If she won't go with you, then you can still be helped by picking up pointers on how to communicate more effectively, or in dealing better with her total refusal to communicate.

[Traci H]

Thanks ever so much for the feedback and help. My wife and I have a counseling session scheduled for tomorrow. I am praying it is positive for both of us.

[Becky Blue]

A significantly large % of women lose interest in sex after menopause, possibly your wife is blaming your CDing when in reality its hormones and nature just doing what they do. Hopefully some counselling can figure it out. Best of luck!!

[Beverley Sims]

Try feeling a little less hopeless, it has been explained by others and therin lies the solution.

Take a positive stance, look at where you are at relationship wise and adapt to the circumstances.

If necessary take some counseling.

[Traci H]

Agggggh! My wife decided she was not ready to discuss this. I feel like the adult in this relationship. The therapist called back after I cancelled and when I tried to reschedule, my wife said she couldn’t make a decision right then and had her own options. I think she partially feels any therapist I find will be in my corner and against her. She told me once she called a therapist designated thru work (no idea of her credentials) and this therapist told her how brave she was to stick with me, being CD! I felt this woman was a quack. My wife was suppose to follow up, but did not.
Maybe just as well.

My wife does not take care of herself at all. Overweight and too much beer. 4-6 per night.

How do I get her to work with me? I am frustrated. I thought I was doing a good thing for us and now it’s all back to shit!

[Bobbi46]

On one side I would not read too much into the situation, as regards to sex just because your wife no longer is needing in that department does not mean that she no longer loves you as life goes on we all change in different ways, I would err on the side of having a good sit down face to face talk with your wife and for you both to put all of your cards down on the table, look at the whole situation and evaluate everything, at the end of the day nothing has been lost, but ,to me it seems that you have not talked over everything together. Dont loose hope, there is always a solution somewhere.

[docrobbysherry]

Traci, u made an appointment and u should have kept it. It sounds like you've formed an unhealthy co-dependency with your SO. A good therapist will cut rite thru the "CDing problem". Which I'm willing to bet has little or nothing to do with your REAL issues. Often, when folks who have been married forever say, "I love u", they mean, "I'm used to u".

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." On the other hand if a marriage as long as yours IS broke? U can't fix it! Go see that counselor ASAP! Or, resign yourself to having a roommate the rest of your days!:sad:

Been thru all of it myself! Both of us r much happier now. And, Sherry was allowed to BLOSSOM!:battingeyelashes:

[NjJamie]

Traci, good luck and keep as positive an attitude as you can, too many times in my life things seemed completely broken but eventually you get to a solution that works, hopefully sooner but eventually is whenever it happens.

[Helen_Highwater]

Traci,

Like others here have said, my wife to lost the desire for sex in later life. It's not uncommon and yes it can be flustrating not to have that intimacy. That said if you're able to accept it as being the new norm then things can move on.

We're now both retired and have implemented some of the plans we made and are moving towards fulfilling others. Both of us have separate social interests and hobbies as well as the shared ones.

To me it's about finding that balance. Yes your situation is confused by the CD'ing but I'm sure with counselling you'll be able to move forward.

Don't give up on the marriage just because if the lack of intimacy. My SO and I share in many other fulfilling ways. It just takes a bit of patience.

[Judy-Somthing]

Join the club.
About fifteen years ago when manapose hit the intimacy went from once a week to once every six weeks and it was like lets get this over.
I didn't think we would last.
Seems like just about every guy I talk to has the same story!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

+1 for menopause=end of great sex.

Perhaps what you need is a life-threatening experience to shake you up and make you reassess your priorities. No amount of carpe diem advice can substitute escaping death by a hair's breadth.

I recommend you take up something really stupid and dangerous.

Think wing-walking; becoming a war correspondent; taunting rhinoceri; nude cactus-diving; blindfolded motorcycle jumping - you get the drift.

Or if those all seem too tame you could try crossdressing at a pro-Trump rally...

Look, I have difficulty expressing myself without being flippant. What I'm trying to say is are you really willing to trade your last x-years' worth of opportunities of being truly alive for the compromise of security and habit? Your wife sounds pretty much resigned to her gloomy existence and shows no signs of wanting to change. So leave her. Accept life in a small apartment (I'm assuming you're not a Rockefeller) and live out your dreams. Walk away, or possibly dance away, from your handcuffs.

Only you can kickstart your life - your wife is never, ever going to do it. Even if she accepts a few therapy sessions, she isn't going to change - she'll just keep insisting that's your job.

[Laurie A]

Agggggh! My wife decided she was not ready to discuss this. I feel like the adult in this relationship. The therapist called back after I cancelled and when I tried to reschedule, my wife said she couldn’t make a decision right then and had her own options. I think she partially feels any therapist I find will be in my corner and against her. She told me once she called a therapist designated thru work (no idea of her credentials) and this therapist told her how brave she was to stick with me, being CD! I felt this woman was a quack. My wife was suppose to follow up, but did not.
Maybe just as well.

My wife does not take care of herself at all. Overweight and too much beer. 4-6 per night.

How do I get her to work with me? I am frustrated. I thought I was doing a good thing for us and now it’s all back to shit!

I think its dangerous for either party in a counseling situation to believe the therapist will take sides. A good therapist should open a dialog, not judge behaviors.

[Traci H]

+1 for menopause=end of great sex.

Perhaps what you need is a life-threatening experience to shake you up and make you reassess your priorities. No amount of carpe diem advice can substitute escaping death by a hair's breadth.

I recommend you take up something really stupid and dangerous.

Think wing-walking; becoming a war correspondent; taunting rhinoceri; nude cactus-diving; blindfolded motorcycle jumping - you get the drift.

Or if those all seem too tame you could try crossdressing at a pro-Trump rally...

Look, I have difficulty expressing myself without being flippant. What I'm trying to say is are you really willing to trade your last x-years' worth of opportunities of being truly alive for the compromise of security and habit? Your wife sounds pretty much resigned to her gloomy existence and shows no signs of wanting to change. So leave her. Accept life in a small apartment (I'm assuming you're not a Rockefeller) and live out your dreams. Walk away, or possibly dance away, from your handcuffs.

Only you can kickstart your life - your wife is never, ever going to do it. Even if she accepts a few therapy sessions, she isn't going to change - she'll just keep insisting that's your job.

Nikki I hear you and that thought has certainly crossed my mind. I do however take the vows I made a long time ago, very serious. For better or worse. This woman didn’t sign up for a crossdresser either.

We often have very good times and I truly want her to be my soulmate. We have a wonderful family that is so much of our lives. I hope to be able to save all this. It seems it is worth fighting for. I need to help her with her own issues I believe. Fool that I may be.

I do appreciate the input from you and all the others. Funny thing is while she has no one to talk to about the cd issue, I really have no one to talk with about this either. I used to be able to talk with my father, but he died four years ago. Some of this now keeps me up at night and I hate it.

[char GG]

Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses

+1 for menopause=end of great sex.

Maybe those who believe this should dig a little deeper into their own behavior.

[Shely]

Seven years is a LONG time, you may have let it go on too long. But try therapy if you want to keep things together, and don't put it off. I hope you'll find the right way to go to be happy. But it may be together and it may not. Either way find a therapist ASAP. Just my .$0.02..:straightface:

[candice.aihara]

To echo what others have said, therapy sessions would help here. It's best to communicate your thoughts and feelings to an impartial party like a therapist. Sharing your inner thoughts out loud does wonders. While it helps to voice your concerns on a forum helps a bit, it's the in-person contact that's the best. Good luck!

[Janie Jane]

My wife does not take care of herself at all. Overweight and too much beer. 4-6 per night.

How do I get her to work with me? I am frustrated. I thought I was doing a good thing for us and now it’s all back to shit!

This is only my opinion, but reflects a lifetime of fighting depression and anxiety (and 21 years with a crazy woman!). 4-6 beers sounds like self medication. Your wife has her own problems and she is blaming them on you. There will be no resolution on the CD "problem" because it shields her from confronting her own. And she literally dictates to you how you can live your life. No compromise, no counseling, her way or the highway. Another thing stuck out that you wrote:

"...my wife said she couldn’t make a decision right then and had her own options."

Assuming your quote of her words is accurate, I can just imagine what her other options are, and I think they involve that highway. I'm sorry for being so blunt.
Jane

[DaisyLawrence]

Janes' reply may have been blunt but it was wise and worthy of consideration. Sometimes in life you have to be cruel to be kind. If your wife needs six beers every night she has issues with her life and your crossdressing is probably the least of it.