A New CD's Wife

[deebra]

Three simple questions that new CD.s might ask, this thread could have been asked before, if it bothers you skip it; just simple answers please. A man says to his wife 1 thru 3 listed below, what would be the "BEST" answer for her to give. Keeping this simple, I know you don't know her mind, as a CD what do you think the "BEST" answer would be for her to give.

1. I want to start wearing women's panties or thongs.
2. I want to start wearing women's jeans over my panties or thongs.
3. I want to start wearing a not overly feminine top with my jeans.

I'm not gay, I just have a strong attraction to women, their clothes and presentation.

[Beverley Sims]

To all three.....

Okay, just don't go overboard.

[Sidney]

I think if I was the spouse with a husband coming out to me as a crossdresser I would have to say to all three questions the following. Wow, ok let's sit down and you explain all this to me.

It can't be a demand on his part, "I want to". Hope I gave you what you were asking

[NicoleScott]

Rule #1 for married CDers : Don't Embarrass Her.
I agree with Yendis "Let's talk about this".

[phili]

"Wow, honey. Let's get a cup of coffee and sit down together, so you can tell me more."

Then after hearing you out-

"That is a lot for me to process. I'm so used to connecting women's clothes to mean essentially 'female within'. Wearing any women's clothing then interferes with my view of you as the desirable man I married. And women's lingerie is part of that package, and is designed primarily for appealing to men. It is also delicate and isn't always practical. When I think of you sexually, I am imagining you in your normal underwear, and it goes away if I think of you in a lace thong. It just seems wrong, or at least confused. I don't know how to change that." Pause

"Well, on second thought, I can sort of see it- I had a lesbian fantasy once and in it we both were decked out in lingerie, kind of reclaiming it as a female-directed, rather than male directed styling. I can see how you might reach for the same imagery in order to imagine yourself as an attractive woman. We all want to be admired and wanted, and sexy women are a huge archetype in our world. But so are sexy men, and this is where I don't understand why you would want to try to be a woman. " pause

"Well- as we age, women feel they are losing their attractiveness, and are less distinguishable from men, and that is terrible. An older woman can some reclaim her youthful status by dressing young. That would be pretty similar to a man wanting to dress up and feel 'feminine' again."

"If being feminine again means being more sensitive and kind and chatty- that sounds good. I won't be able to react to you as a desirable sexual partner, so that's an issue. But let's go to the store and buy some clothes that fit and see how it feels for you. Hopefully we can find a way to help you feel what you are trying to feel.

+++Then, of course, she will have to do CPR as you will have fainted with happiness...

[Princess Chantal]

The best answer is stating her honest feelings, whether for or against your crossdressing activity.

[Stephanie47]

If I was the wife I'd brew a fresh pot of coffee and start a conversation. "Honey, we need to talk about this!"

I hope you're not thinking a wife would just jump out of her chair and yell "Let's go shopping!"

[jennifer0918]

Ok explain this one like I'm a 5 year old, what does being Gay have to do with wearing thongs,panties, and womans jeans? ???How are these 2 connected? I know multiple gay men and they do not ever underdress ever,ever,ever!!so my advice to the gg, you need a good therapist! !!

[docrobbysherry]

She may not ask it but she would think:

"Why don't u want to wear some pretty girl things?":brolleyes:

[Micki_Finn]

That’s Ok Jennifer, I’m confused too, but I’m more thrown by the necessity of the 3 statements. They are all essentially “I want to wear women’s clothing”. Is this post asking what the best possible reaction to a man coming out to his wife? Or are you that interested in people having discussions about specific articles of clothing? Does the wife of the CD already know about him? HELP US HELP YOU!

[Tracii G]

Why is there a persistent " you must be gay to want to wear womens clothes" attitude from people on this site?
We all know sexual preference and CDing have nothing in common.
I am the only gay man in my vast network of gay friends that wears womens clothes. Most are all guy and have no desire to wear anything feminine on their body.
Most don't understand me being trans either.
So yeah I'm confused by the entire line of questions. I do kind of wonder if deebra is asking them "for a friend" maybe? I just don't know.

[Tina_gm]

We know there's a difference between gender and sexuality, but most vid gender people do not, which is why it is among the top questions from a partner, are you attracted to men?

Another thing too, we being who we are and trying to put ourselves in their place automatically assume there would be eager communication about this. That doesn't always happen.

[Alice B]

It starts with #1 and if a green light is given it will progress to #2&3

[Kelly DeWinter]

Will you need cash or a credit card.

[jacques]

hello,
my wife answered "it's only clothes"
luv J

[RADER]

Rule #1 for married CDers : Don't Embarrass Her.
That was my wife's rule # 1, She was OK me wearing woman's clothes.
But rule # 1 Was the law of the house.
Rader

[jennifer0918]

Why do wives come on forum to call us gay because we are cd's? ??? Because this what this individual is hinting at,IMO!!!!!

[deebra]

Jennifer to answer your question, the #1 question out of a wife's mouth when her husband says I want to start wearing women's clothing is "are you gay", that's why I threw it in.
Micki we being CDers all know the strong pull that is within us that causes us to want to CD, so knowing this what would WE think the best answer a wife that loved her male husband would say? Some wives would go crazy, some would immediately accept, what do you think a wife's BEST answer to her (wanna be a CD) husband would be, how should she handle it, what should she say??

[Teri Ray]

I cannot imagine that those three questions would be ever asked without some great amount of lead in discussion. They are not questions they are statements. If I made any statements like those to my wife, out of the blue, I would likely get a lot of questions from her in return.

[Tracii G]

Well deebra if you think about what you just said its kind of silly because she has had sex with her man for years so she knows he isn't gay.
I would think the number 1 question would be do you want to be a woman or do you want a sex change?
I would not want to even chance a guess and why is it so important to know a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question?

[T Gram]

The first question I asked was "Do you want to be a woman" all I could think of was .. "Oh great I'm living the Bruce Jenner thing" sorry but that's what I was thinkin. I'm still trying to understand and be supportive.

[jennifer0918]

Ok,first I will not tell my wife I want to "start" wearing womans clothing, because I started at age 10 . So how can I start now if this is who I'am from a very long time. And no her first question will not be are you gay????? I know my wife ,her first question will be "like Caitlyn Jenner? "(She's a fan ).then her next question will be "do you want to be a woman? "So gay will not cross her mind.
Hope you find what your looking for Deb.
Toodles

[deebra]

TraciG to answer the first sentence of your thread #20, people change, you never know what someone else is thinking even someone as close as a wife or husband of many years. If her husband out of the blue said 1 thru 3 to her it's just natural for her to think he might all of a sudden think he is gay and want to be with a man since he wants to dress as a woman. Hypothetical or not, I was curious what we as CDers would find to be a good answer from her. We know our need to crosssdress, she doesn't and has never experienced it, bras and panties to her are just underwear, they are a lot more to us. She would be startled of course, shocked that this could change her married life of many years, not be in favor of it but want to stay with and please her husband. Many have said discussion is the best answer, I agree. Hopefully she would have an open mind, understand this need that isn't going away and learn to accept his dressing but in consideration of her feelings have limits.

I post questions to get answers from other CDs to get their opinions in hopes of getting answers to why we CD. Many say just accept you are a CD and don't try to figure out why. That's bull s**t and shallow. Why am I a CD and others aren't? Why do women and society have a problem with the clothes I wear, I don't care what they wear. Crossdressers and their wives are the most qualified to find an answer to these questions. Psychologist aren't, what they are best at is "come back next week", $$$$$$$.

[Jaylyn]

My wife told me when I came out that I loved dressing in female attire and loved the makeup part was " I don't mind but please don't go out in public and embarrass me and yourself.
She started out helping me buy clothes, my own makeup, and even helped me dress many times. She gave me many of her old too big dresses. She was very supportive but for some reason the new wore off. Now it's more just do it when I'm not around. So her first answer was don't embarrass me or yourself. There so many answers to your questions that we'd love to hear but in reality the best answer we'd love to hear would be " I understand dear please let me help you full fill your dreams of wearing what you think you need to."

[jennifer0918]

We as cd's we have our language our lingo and even sometimes on the phone when I have talked to cd's from the forum our lingo comes out and then I know I'm speaking to another sister. I would hate to think a gg will come on here to offend or insult us by asking a series of questions just for her own perversion without understanding us,which is the vibe I get from this post. We do not chose to be cd's simply put we are born like this,have you ever asked yourself "why do I have arms?" "Why do I have a birth mark there?""why are my eyes brown?"you don't ask these questions because you accept it and society teaches you that you were born like this,right?Now when it comes to CDing society teaches no ,no ,bad hombre ,taboo,wants to use the girls bathroom, bad very bad which we know this is BS ! So we grow up thinking this and shaming ourselves feeling guilty all the way until that little bulb in our heads lights up and you say I'm neither of the above I'm not taboo ,I'm me ,im not a bad hombre, I'm a father,a brother,a uncle,a neighbor, a service man,a first responder, I'm a good person I love me and everything that makes me. So in conclusion we cd because we are cd's.
The end

[DaisyLawrence]

And there endeth the lesson!

Fair play Jennifer :)

[Ressie]

Yes, those are actually statements rather than questions which is better. If they were questions you would be asking for permission. A good response from the spouse might be, "do you know what sizes to get?". My ex would have said, "OK, but don't go out dressed like that".

[Mickitv]

I agree with most of the comments. I feel that if you have a good relationship in first place most of the time the person will be understanding.

[Alice Torn]

Tracii, Sadly, most people jump to the conclusions that a man in womens clothes "must be gay." Sad, but that is the most common reaction. Some women marry gay men who wanted everyone to think they were not really gay, then later come out to their wives. Some women would literally go ballistic if they find their man likes to CD. others, not as angry. Most are troubled and very uncomfortable finding out. Many will consider you defrauded them, with threats for divorce, and " you are not the man i married?" Especially religious women!

[jennifer0918]

There is nothing wrong with being gay but most gay men don't want to wear womans cloths.

[Rachaelcrossdress]

I am lucky when my wife and I started dateing I came out to here right away that I CD. She was a little shocked but was ok with it. We have a deal as I can be Rachael anytime I want as long as I am Ralph in the bed. I also told her that if she is ever uncomfortable and wants me to stop just say so. She does not mind me dressing when we go out together. We both wear the same sizes except shoes so we pick out clothes for each other and we share clothes. I guess it's taking getting into her pants to the next level. Lol

[Tracii G]

Jennifer0918 you are so right and they have a hard time understanding CDers too.
Thats been my experience.

Deebra please don't be angry with me because I don't have to agree with you.
I question things sometimes because I am curious why you post it and I try to understand I really do then you get all offended because I ask questions.
No matter I'll just stop posting all together if it upsets you.

[DaisyLawrence]

Why am I a CD and others aren't? Why do women and society have a problem with the clothes I wear, I don't care what they wear. Crossdressers and their wives are the most qualified to find an answer to these questions. Psychologist aren't, what they are best at is "come back next week", $$$$$$$.

WHY do you repeatedly generalise in your posts about the rest of the population despite most of your assumptions being incorrect? I think you'll find that a large proportion of women and society (as you put it) DON'T have a problem with the clothes you wear. I think in reality that they, like you, simply don't care what you wear. To be brutally honest most people couldn't give a shit about you one way or another, they don't know you so why would they. You are the one with a problem, you perceive that society in general have a problem with you but in fact it is you who has a problem with society. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. There are two local full-time crossdressers that live as women despite being visibly obviously men with no chance of passing (long hair, bald head, you know the sort of thing). Everyone knows them, no-one has a problem with them and no-one even gives them a second look. This is reality in the west, not your perception of reality in your head.

[ClosetED]

Simple answer #1 - it is hidden underdressing.
But you give choices which a spouse might see as a risk to her socially if you are found out. You don't offer a choice - I want to wear feminine things while in the privacy of our home.

Hugs, Ellen

[Jenny22]

Tracii, if you EVER stop posting, our world will end!

[deebra]

TraciG, I'm not mad with you, I like to read your opinions/questions. Please don't stop posting. If someone questions what I write I then try to explain further to clarify what I was thinking when I posted. Believe it or not, some comments have changed my mind, their view was right and I appreciate their input. There are so few of us and you and I have so much in common. We both wear bras and panties, we wear what we love and present with a softer more feminine presentation, others just wear what designers tell them what they should wear based on what sex they are.

[ChrisP]

Deebra,
The "best" answer I can think of is something along this line:

Thank you for telling me this. I know you took a risk sharing this with me. I respect your privacy on this.
How long have you had these feelings? Do you remember anything in your childhood that was associated with this?
Have you had a chance to dress up much? What do you think would be fun? Where do you see this fitting in with our relationship?

[tammy1]

Although my wife knew i enjoyed dressing eveery blue moon, she was still questioning in the same way many of the posts respond
to your original question. She has been supportive but still has many questions tht surface from time to time. We shop together but i dress at home when she is a work. She has suggested that perhaps when we're out of town and in big city we might go out together, but i'm holding my breath on that one. Yet as i have spent more "open time" (she knowing about my feeling and enjoyment) at home dressing alone and look forward to meeting some of the girls at an outting some time. She still has her moments which i believe i'm responsible for (not having all the makeup off, ect.)

When i came totally out, i wasn't sure of her response; but as we talked, i let her know just how important this was for me and how muh i wanted to go "Full Monty" with my CD life style. I'm blessed to have a loving and as nearly possible as she can be, is in fact very understanding.